A highly alarmed Tucker Carlson was the first to report on the breaking news about Jon Stewart last night. The comedian is shrinking!
"He's shrinking, and disheveled, and very short! Really short! Too short to date?" questioned the faux news investigator who once said it's best to marry a "nice and hot" date who cries when she's mad. "Was he always that short? What happened?" a flummoxed Carlson asked (see video below).
Carlson's squeaky panic then turns into a bromeopathic growl. "Where's he been the last seven years!?"
It's all very mysterious. Perhaps Stewart has been feminized by Covid, or perhaps the former Daily Show host's testicles are in need of a tanning session — but not to don't worry, whatever the cause, the faux news network will get to the bottom of it, as Carlson has asked his audience for any clues: "If you know, let us know." Will do, sir!