What happens in Las Vegas stays in Vegas, but we're supposed to believe that private conversations in Buckingham Palace end up on the front page of the 'National Enquirer,' which this week declares: "The Queen Hates Meghan!"
The 'Enquirer' claims to reveal "what her majesty says behind closed doors!" Because of course, they'd know. Maybe the Queen phones them with tips, just to keep herself in the news?
With the mag's trademark journalistic objectivity, calling Meghan "fame-hungry," an "American upstart," "publicity-obsessed" and a "ruthless social climber," the 'Enquirer' quotes a senior courtier – as if – who claims that the Queen views Prince Harry's wife as "a real threat to the monarchy" by hinting that Meghan will "use her title for an ambitious career in politics".
Right. Because Americans are just begging to elect to public office an actress whose husband is sixth in line to the throne.
"Diesel Fires Up Crush On Mirren!"
Vin Diesel had dinner with his 'Fast X' co-star, 77-year-old Dame Helen Mirren, 22 years his senior, while both were on location in Italy, and so the 'Enquirer' declares it a romantic dinner and reckons "he is smitten." The rag notes that Diesel's girlfriend "was nowhere in sight." I'm sure she's worried.
"Top Gun Tom Tangled In Scientology Dogfight!"
No he's not.
Tom Cruise has zero involvement with the rape allegations by three women against Scientology member Danny Masterson, but the 'Enquirer' draws that invisible thread tight, claiming that Cruise could suffer the "backlash in an increasingly woke Hollywood." Right. Because nobody in Hollywood has ever heard a bad word against Scientology in the past, and the shock could end his career.
"Tattletale Maxwell Stashed In Club Fed!"
Sex trafficker Ghislaine Maxwell has been moved to a low-security federal prison in Florida, as expected after her conviction, and the 'Enquirer' claims she has "landed in a cushy, country-club-like prison . . . following a secret deal to sell out old party pal Donald Trump and other intimates of billionaire pedophile Jeffrey Epstein."
Just like all the other inmates there sold out the rich and famous to land behind bars in Tallahassee. Don't hold your breath waiting for the Feds to question Trump or Bill Clinton about anything Maxwell allegedly told them.
Like a lover spurned, the 'Globe' turns on two old favorites with its cover story: "Trump vs. Fox News. New Feud Explodes!"
The former president and the formerly "fair and balanced" network are allegedly "trading shots over slights & betrayals."
In other words, it's business as usual.
Cosmetic surgery allegations run riot in the 'Globe,' as Jane Fonda, David Hasselhoff and Michael Douglas are all accused in separate articles of undergoing cosmetic procedures.
"New Kisser For Born-Again Cougar Jane!"
"Old Age Is Hassling The Hoff!"
"Michael's Mug Looks Younger!"
Not that there's any corroborative evidence for any of these stories, other than the fact that the trio "look" younger.
"Harry & Meghan's Sell-By Date Expires!"
You can search their bodies in vain for a barcode or a stamped "sell-by date," but the duo are allegedly "in a desperate dash to cash in on their celebrity as the spotlight begins shifting to his brother."
As if the Sussexes' media deals with Netflix, Spotify et al are dependent on Harry being the dominant brother. It's safe to say that Netflix is not seriously thinking: "When the Queen dies, maybe we can sign a production deal with William instead?" The 'Globe' might be mistaking the Royal Family for the Kardashians.
"People are getting turned off by their pushiness and self-promoting proclamations about how wonderful and important they are," claims an unidentified "royal insider," who could also be talking about the Kardashians.
But isn't that the definition of being a member of the Royal Family?
British royalty continues to dominate with this week's cover story: "The Making of a Queen." It's Kate Middleton, who American tabloid reporters don't seem to understand won't become Queen when Elizabeth II dies, and will still have to wait for Prince Charles to take the throne and possibly reign for another 20 years or more, if he lives as long as his parents. Undeterred, the mag claims that Duchess Kate "is shaping her role for the modern world and modelling herself on the reigning Queen: 'Never complain, never explain'"
They might have added: . . . and never talk to 'People' magazine.
Hollywood royalty takes centre stage on this week's cover: "All About Brad's Hot New Romance!"
The last time Brad Pitt was seen out in public with a woman the tabloids rang wedding bells, yet she quickly faded from sight. Now Pitt is supposedly dating again, and he "finally gave up on Jen Aniston." Actually, Pitt gave up thoughts of rekindling his romance with ex-wife Aniston years ago, but the tabloids kept clinging to the hope of a fairytale reunion.
So who is the lucky lady?
'Us Weekly' hasn't a clue, of course. It's unclear f there even is a woman in Pitt's life: an unnamed source tells the rag: "Brad's not fully committed to anyone just yet".
Right. That sure sounds like a "hot new romance."
Thankfully we have the crack investigative team at 'Us Weekly' to tell us that Kaia Gerber wore it best (a rare defeat for Bella Hadid that will be talked about for months), that Lauren Conrad is "excellent at Tetris," and that the stars are just like us: they shop at Target, dine outdoors, and recycle old garbage – just like the tabloids.
Onwards and downwards . . .