Continuing its relentless coverage of the British Royal Family soap opera, this week's cover story features the Queen's son under the headline: "Unfit to be King! Greedy Charles Took $1.2M Bin Laden Bribe After 9/11 Attack!"
No, despite the large photo of Osama Bin Laden on the cover, Prince Charles didn't take cash from the Al Qaeda mastermind, but from two of his half-brothers in his extended Bin Laden family.
And no, it wasn't a bribe to line the price's pockets as the 'Enquirer' suggests, but was a donation to his Prince of Wales Charitable Foundation, which despite the rag's claim does not contribute "to his living expenses."
Accepting Bin Laden family money may have been tone deaf, but it has not "torpedoed his chance of becoming king," as the 'Enquirer' claims. Shaky as it is, the monarchy is made of sterner stuff.
"Bottle Blonde! Pals fear Britney's raising one glass too many in toxic plunge into booze."
Britney Spears, given her independence last year after 13 years under a court-ordered conservatorship, was spotted drinking cocktails – her first time ever visiting a bar in her 40-year lifetime.
Naturally, the 'Enquirer' claims that one drink in a bar "leads friends to fear she's heading for a crash," according to an unnamed insider who presumably lives in a monastery on an abstemious diet of bread, water and self-flagellation.
"Cara In Chaos!"
The tabloid eviscerates Cara Delevigne for having the audacity to leave the house in crumpled shorts and a tank top, proving that the stars are not like us: they have to be immaculately turned out every moment they're in the public eye, or some grubby tabloid hack will think their life is falling apart.
"Disheveled Delevigne sets off alarm bells," raves the rag, adding that "pals are urging her to get help before it's too late!" Right. Crumpled shorts are just a cry for help. Is there a self-help hotline for a Good Samaritan with a steam iron?
"Uncle Sam Flushes Your Cash Down The Toilet!"
The 'Enquirer' highlights questionable government research funding, including grants to study a "smart toilet" that can run a health test on feces; a virtual reality program allowing users to inhabit the world of an Antarctic penguin; a project to "reanimate . . . zombie kittens" (actually an experiment on repairing severed spinal cords); "transgendered monkeys" (actually testing the effects of injecting male monkeys with female hormones); and robot vineyards (actually automation to analyse when best to pick grapes).
"Dementia Fears For Space-Case Shatner!"
Star Trek's William Shatner is 91 years old, still acting, writing books and doing commercials for Priceline, but the 'Enquirer' claims "he's getting more disorganized and absentminded."
Empathetic as ever, the rag quotes an unnamed "insider" as saying: "God forbid it's dementia, but what else are people to think . . ?" Maybe they'll think he's 91?
"Biden Too Sick To Run Again!" Screams the cover story.
The president who turns 80 in November is battling his second bout of coronavirus, which the 'Globe' claims is taking a "terrible toll!" He's also allegedly "losing memory and struggling to walk!"
The rag throws in claims that "experts see . . .signs of dementia." Of course they do. That's what experts are for.
With its well-informed sources deep within the Oval Office, the rag reveals that Biden has secretly told aides "he won't run for reelection in 2024." Right. Another 'Globe' worldwide exclusive.
"Charles Took $1M In Bin Laden Cash!"
Prince Charles's charity actually took in $1.2 million from the Bin Laden clan – so what happened to the other $200,000? The 'Globe' doesn't say, or perhaps simply forgot to translate British pounds into American dollars. Even though they acknowledge that it was a "gift to his charity" the rag still calls this a "bribery scandal."
Without any evidence whatsoever, the tabloid gleefully adds that the Bin Laden payment was publicly exposed because "Charles' vengeful son Harry has been squealing about the king-in-waiting's shocking dealings with fat Arabs". As if Harry would have any idea who made private contributions to his father's charities, or would call the media with a hot tip.
"Putin Paralyzed By Parkinson's!"
The Russian leader is allegedly "limping and can't move right arm." As evidence of this claim they show a photo of Putin using his left hand to supposedly "swat mosquitoes" on his right cheek, proving that "his nearer right arm appears useless." Can't argue with medical science.
It's the infamous headline used by UK tabloid The Sun when British forces sunk Argentinian battleship the General Belgrano during the Falklands War in 1982 – a headline that captured the jingoism of the moment, while drawing criticism for its lack of compassion for the many who died in the attack.
Now "Gotcha!" Is the headline employed by the 'Globe' after a US drone strike killed Osama Bin Laden's successor, Ayman al-Zawahiri. Tasteful as ever.
"Olivia Newton-John" is this week's cover story, which tells of "A Life of Love & Courage."
The pop singer and 'Grease' star "inspired generations with her strength and joy." 'People' mag does its usual job turning a pop culture figure into an "icon."
"Anne Heche – Her Shocking Car Crash." Promising "exclusive details," the mag exclusively reveals that the woman whose house Heche ploughed into, Lynne Mischele, "escaped the crash with her two dogs, Bree and Rueban, and turtle Marley."
Yes, that gives readers an entirely new level of understanding of the true tragedy behind this accident: two dogs and a turtle have been unhoused.
But even this detail isn't actually exclusive, having been reported online three days earlier.
There are two competing covers this week, each equally insightful.
On one there's Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson, supposedly talking about "Fame, Family, Sacrifices."
But readers expecting a six-page cover story might be surprised by the meagre three-paragraph story within, which is devoted to promoting Johnson's Teremana brand of tequila
"I've found it so rewarding hearing from people who love the tequila and drink it with friends and family," he says, apparently having little love for those who drink it with strangers.
Taylor Swift dominates the alternate cover gracing newsstands, with a story promising to take readers "Inside Taylor's Mysterious World."
At least she's given four pages inside, beneath the headline: "Where In The World Is Taylor Swift?"
If that sounds familiar, it may be because you recall the 'Us Weekly' cover story of May 22, 2017: "Taylor Swift – Why She Disappeared."
Five years later, the same magazine claims the singer has "traded the spotlight for a low-key life".
And of course, "low-key" means she hasn't spoken with the magazine, and they haven't the faintest idea what she's up to.
Thankfully we have the crack investigative team at 'Us Weekly' to tell us that Carrie Coon wore it best, that Brazilian model ("and mom of three!") Camila Alves McConaughey's "favorite room in my home is the kitchen," and that the stars are just like us: they eat pizza, search their purses for change, shop at the pharmacy, and go through metal detectors – though few are manic enough to cringe and squirm as if they're being electrocuted while passing through a security screening, as Prince Charles apparently did: a move likely to invite a full body cavity search at most international airports.
Onwards and downwards . . .