"Charles Exiles Sex Creep Andrew!" screams the cover story. "Banished to Bahamas with dead queen's dogs! Cut off from royal cash & forced to live on pension! Ingrates Harry & Meghan are next on the hit list!"
The 'Enquirer' claims that "Andrew will leave Britain when the official period of mourning ends – penniless, stripped of all rank and only taking his mother's corgi dogs, according to palace spies."
Perhaps time to get new spies. But yes, it appears that Prince Andrew will indeed care for his mother's two corgis. One suspects that won't be all that he inherits.
"Prince Harry awaits a similar fate," claims the rag, referring to Harry's future in exile, rather than becoming a pet to Prince Andrew.
Is the 'Enquirer' perhaps unaware that Harry has already departed British shores, and is supporting himself financially (with the aid of wife Meghan) in the former colonies?
"What Really Killed the Queen!"
Was it old age? Was it the cancer that the 'Enquirer' has claimed Her Majesty battled for more than a decade, yet has inexplicably stopped mentioning? Could it have been Russian agents, or Al Qaeda?
No, apparently it was Prince Charles who killed his mother.
"Charles pulled the plug after devastating stroke," according to a "high-level palace courtier," who apparently talks to the 'Enquirer' but not to any of Britain's other newspapers of record. That seems to be a habit among "palace insiders."
"It was the worst moment of his life," says the source. Well, it would be, wouldn't it?
But the 'Enquirer' isn't finished with the royals yet.
"It's Good To Be King!" proclaims the rag, focusing on King Charles III, looking at the "cranky new ruler's bizarre secret habits." Charles allegedly has valets iron his shoelaces (don't we all?), squeezes "exactly one inch of toothpaste on his brush every morning," demands daily homemade bread, and wants his favourite cheeses pre-warmed. Well, who wants cold cheese?
For tabloid Royalists there's no lack of commemorative tchotchkes to buy in this week's 'Enquirer': there are ads for rings, earrings and necklaces "honouring the life & legacy of the Queen" with genuine "diamonesk" gemstones, a Diamond Jubilee porcelain figure of the Queen, a limited edition Coronation figurine of the Queen with "dazzling mosaic glass gown and robe," a commemorative plate, and "collector's editions" of magazine specials about Her Majesty. Exactly the sort of treasured memento mori that Prince Charles will undoubtedly be snapping up for display in Buckingham Palace.
"Oops! Kelly Mistakes Menopause For Pregnancy."
It's an easy mistake to make. Kelly Ripa reportedly had the facts of life explained to her by husband Mark Consuelos.
"Chelsea & Ivanka's Blood Feud Erupts!"
As if the former First Daughters were ever best friends.
"Fears For Spears! Suicide warning lights flash for Britney after betrayal by her sons."
Sons Sean and Jayden publicly said they were embarrassed by Spears' naked selfies, and the 'Enquirer' decides that will make the singer suicidal. Right.
Britain's royal soap opera naturally dominates this week's cover after recent upheavals among the cast: "New Queen Camilla's Royal Reign of Terror! Abusing power and settling old scores! Reduces Kate to tears! Fires William's friend! Loots family heirlooms!"
And she kicked the Queen's corgis.
Okay, Camilla didn't kick the dogs, but the 'Globe' paints her as a Royal version of Cruella de Vil, calling her Britain's new "vengeful Queen" even though she's actually the Queen Consort, evidently bent on a "ruthless rampage."
And the Queen not yet cold in the ground.
"She's helped herself to the best of Elizabeth's jewels," the rag rages about Camilla. What part of Charles inheriting his mother's estate does the 'Globe' not understand?
The rag notes that Prince Andrew has "hung around the palace like a bad smell," but Camilla has decreed that his "sole job will be to clean up after his late mother's beloved corgis and keep the pets happy." Isn't that expecting an awful lot of Andrew, who probably has vassals to clean up the dog poo for him?
"Grim Secrets Queen Took To The Grave!"
No, she didn't know where Jimmy Hoffa is buried. She didn't even know who let the dogs out. (Who? Who?)
But the Queen did allegedly know "who killed Diana," the truth about the "Andrew sex scandal," and the "truth about Meghan!"
What truth about Meghan? We may never know, because the Queen took that information with her to the grave. How convenient.
"Matt's Looking Perry Different!"
Former 'Friends' star Matthew Perry is photographed at the US Open appearing "thinner, neater and healthier" than in the past.
The 'Globe' suggests he has undergone a "head-to-toe makeover," but it seems more likely that he simply washed and dressed before attending such a public event, rather than being caught unawares sloppily dressed when walking out near his New York home.
No prizes for guessing that it's a Royal cover story. King Charles' sons, Princes William and Harry, dominate this week's front page with their wives Kate and Meghan, as the rag dissects: "Their Private Pain & Fragile Reunion."
A photographer catches the moment where Meghan turns to Harry with a look of compassion and concern on her face, as they stand a step behind a balding William and stern-faced Kate. Meghan's look seems to say: "Are you going to be that bald in a couple of years?" The answer could be: Yes.
But that's not what 'People' mag focuses on. Instead, it analyzes the "strain and emotion" that lay beneath the Queen's demise and funeral.
The mag offers useful insights into the future, such as: "Whatever becomes of the fractured bonds between them, the royal family will carry on, insider say." Well, that's revelatory.
This week's edition is like three magazines in one. Included is 'People Country,' a bonus section featuring country music stars including Trace Adkins ("I'm lucky to be alive") and Tanya Tucker; a section on the Toronto International Film Festival (Daniel Craig, Kate Hudson, Seth Rogen, Viola Davis, Nicolas Cage); plus another bonus section of "50 Food Faves!" – the "trends and moments that have helped us cook, eat and find inspiration this year." Assuming that you can find inspiration in soup dumplings and grated egg on avocado toast..
"Funeral of the Century" takes this week's cover.
The 21st century is barely one-fifth over, but 'Us Weekly' is calling the winner in the funeral stakes, and its's Queen Elizabeth.
Against all other royal analysis, the rag claims that Prince Harry has been "offered shock return to royal duty." It's impressive how the rag's royal insiders consistently scoop the rest of the world's media, even if they are rarely proved accurate.
There's also an alternate cover to this week's edition, which features Hollywood relationships breaking up, and others just beginning, under the headline: "It's Over! – It's On!"
Allegedly over: Sandra Bullock and Bryan Randall; along with Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen.
Allegedly on: Leonardo DiCaprio and Gigi Hadid; along with Pete Davidson and Emily Ratajkowski.
Elsewhere in the tabloids:
DiCaprio's "exes warn Gigi: Don't Date Leo!" The cover story explores the actor's alleged "paranoia, obsession & creepy habits!":
'Life & Style'
Jennifer Aniston "Fires Back! Angie Ruined My Life."
This is after 'Rolling Stone' magazine founder Jann Wenner claimed his his autobiography that it was Angelina Jolie who tipped off his photographers that she and Brad Pitt were secretly holidaying in Africa and told them where to find the couple, knowing that exposing their romance would explode Pitt's marriage to Aniston. All well and good, but it's unlikely that Aniston would have said a word to a reporter from 'Life & Style.'