"Cruel Queen Camilla Attacks Kate's Kids!" Screams the cover story. "Males Charlotte cry & humiliates her mum!"
Camilla allegedly told future queen Kate: "Your brats are a disgrace to the Crown!" and reduced "little Charlotte to tears."
What did Princess Charlotte and Prince George do to invoke the Queen Consort's wrath?
George supposedly "pinched his sister" during the Queen's funeral service, "making her go 'Ow!" according to a "high-level palace source."
Camilla's attack was reportedly a salvo in "an all-out war to humiliate royal rival Princess Kate".
And why might Camilla wage war against Kate?
According to the 'Enquirer,' it's "because the craggy-faced consort is jealous of her glam daughter-in-law's youth and popularity, courtiers dish."
Do they? Really?
"Princess Charlotte burst into tears, sources reveal," reports the rag.
But who needs sources when TV cameras clearly captured Charlotte wiping away tears as the queen's funeral ended. Yet she wasn't crying because she had been pinched by her brother, or because she had been berated by Camilla. Charlotte cried as the Queen's casket was lowered into the ground. Naturally the 'Enquirer' doesn't let the facts get in the way of a good story.
"Harry Sticks It To Pop In Public!"
It's hard to imagine that Prince Harry would ever call King Charles III "Pop," but nonetheless cameras at the Queen's funeral did catch him, alone among members of the Royal Family, not singing along to the National Anthem newly rededicated to his father, allegedly a "shocking snub" as Harry refused to sing "God Save the King."
Perhaps he didn't know the lyrics?
"Sly's Roamin' Holiday Infuriates Flavin!"
Highlighting the problem of its early print deadline when events outpace its publication date, the 'Enquirer' reports that Sylvester Stallone is "wasting no time chatting up beauties" and "seems to be acting single" after his wife Jennifer Flavin filed for divorce. They might have got away with the story, if only Stallone and Flavin hadn't reconciled days earlier.
"Olivia Hurries To Get Harry Home. – To L.A."
Olivia Wilde, branded a "bossy beauty," allegedly "wants pop superstar Harry Styles to put a ring on it," and is demanding that her British boyfriend settle down with her in the US.
But "tipsters squeal . . . Harry's heart still lies in his native England."
So maybe she'll move with him to England? Or they'll divide their time between both countries, resolving the issue like adults with large disposable incomes sometimes do?
"Calista Crushes Ford's Career!"
Harrison Ford turned 80 in July, and has suffered past injuries performing his own stunts on film sets, ranging from bruised ribs, a torn ACL, herniated disc, and broken ankle, to a shoulder injury while filming his fifth and latest Indiana Jones adventure.
Ford told the audience at Disney's D23 Expo in mid-September: "That's it. I won't fall for you again," widely interpreted as meaning that he would be doing no more stunts as Indiana Jones.
The 'Enquirer,' of course, interprets it as Ford quitting acting completely, and then goes further by blaming his wife, Calista Flockhart, for forcing the octogenarian to call it quits, "for fear film stunts will kill him."
Has the 'Enquirer' never heard of stuntmen?
It's been four months since a Delaware grand jury's term of duty expired, having probed the activities of President Joe Biden's son Hunter without bringing any indictments.
The 'Enquirer' naturally claims: "Crafty President Joe Biden is covering up son Hunter's shady foreign business dealings and sketchy financial games by squashing the federal investigation into the recovering crack addict's alleged crimes".
One suspects that the 'Enquirer' meant to impugn Hunter's "sketchy financial gains," but "games" sounds more playful, as if he was just having fun with various illicit financial dealings, and didn't really mean anything by it.
There's zero evidence that the White House has exerted any influence on the case, but "critics charge prez is covering for his crooked son." Because that's what critics do.
"The Skinny on Ben's Manorexia!"
A healthy, trim and toned Ben Affleck "may be suffering from manorexia!" reports the 'Enquirer,' always at the forefront of neologistic invention. Or maybe he's not.
"King Charles' Heart Is Failing!" Declares the front page just days after Charles took the throne.
Britain's newly-hailed monarch, still months away from his coronation, is a "heartbeat from death," claims the 'Globe.'
Charles III, aged 73, is "secretly dying from a fatal heart condition, stunned sources reveal!"
The 'Globe'unveils a "top doctor's devastating diagnosis!"
Which is that Charles has swollen fingers, which indicate edema, which if a patient has a weak heart – though there's no indication that Charles has any cardiac weakness – could lead to congestive heart failure.
An unnamed doctor tells the rag: "Swollen hands and feet are both signs of heart failure."
But swollen fingers could also be a sign of arthritis, or a high salt diet, or of medications taken for blood pressure, or of steroids taken for any number of ailments, none of which put Charles a heartbeat from death.
Another celebrity allegedly at death's door is a country music legend: "Loretta Lynn, 90," reportedly making her "Brave Farewell!"
If that sounds familiar, it's because the 'Globe' reported in November 2018: "Loretta Lynn, 86, Goes Home To Die."
She didn't oblige the 'Globe' then, and she may not now.
When tabloids reported her imminent death in 2019 Lynn said: "You're kidding me!" Again, she refused to oblige them with a funeral.
Of course, if the 'Globe' keeps repeating this story every year or two, sooner or later it will be proven correct, and then the rag will doubtless crow that it scooped the world. As if.
"Adam Sandler Surgery Shocker! Why he's using a cane."
The comedy star reportedly underwent recent hip replacement surgery, hence the cane. Is that really shocking to anyone?
"UFOs Monitor Ukraine War!"
If the 'Globe' means that there are drones above battlefields that the tabloid can't identify, then yes, there are UFOs hovering over the Ukraine. But they are most likely of terrestrial origin, and not as the 'Globe' reports "space invaders" who are "studying Earth's weapons & tactics!"
"Kelly Ripa Tells All!" dominates this week's cover.
The TV host discusses marriage, sex, kids, Botox and former TV co-star Regis Philbin. It's as scintillating as you'd expect.
"Why Sylvester Stallone & Jennifer Flavin Called Off Their Divorce."
Claims an unnamed source: "They love each other."
As if any relationship is that simple.
"Blake Lively's Countdown to Baby," declares the front page. "Pregnant & In Love Again."
The headline suggests – wrongly – that Lively fell out of love with husband Ryan Reynolds, but thanks to her pregnancy is "in love again." Not even close.
Naturally, the rag has interviewed neither Lively nor Reynolds.
"She's absolutely glowing," reveals an unnamed source, who adds: "They just want a healthy baby."
That's the sort of detail you can only get from true insiders who know the stars' innermost thoughts and secrets.
"The Real Meghan? Palace Staff Speak Out."
That's the blurb on the mag's cover, and on page 8 readers are teased again with the promise that Duchess Meghan is "rising above . . .claims she previously bullied palace staffers."
But the story buried inside the mag is just one brief paragraph, repeating old claims that Meghan has berated employees.
"Of course it hurts," says an alleged source, "but Meghan will tough it out and try not to let it get to her."
Sure she will.
Thankfully we have the crack investigative team at 'Us Weekly' to tell us that Brooke Burke wore it best, that Cheryl Burke (no relation) admits:" It has been a year since I've had sex," and that the stars are just like us: they carry their dry cleaning, try skincare products, shop for a new iPhone, and get coffee to go.Rivetting stuff.
Elsewhere in the tabloids . . .
'Life & Style'
The Kardashian klan klaim the kover story: "What's Wrong With Khloé?"
The answer, apparently: "Loneliness, Humiliation & Drastic Weight Loss."
But that's not all. She allegedly "Spent $2 million on plastic surgery."
Behind it all: Khloé's decision to have a second baby by surrogate with Tristan Thompson, shortly before he cheated on her, fathering a child with another woman.
"Mom Kris staging intervention!" claims 'Life & Style,' though it seems a little late for that.
"The Palace Finally Tells All!"
Actually, the Palace – Buckingham or Kensington, you take your pick – tells nothing.
It's former staffers who allegedly accuse Duchess Meghan of "Bullying, Abuse And Temper Tantrums," according to a new royal tell-all book.
But if reports of Palace staff's antipathy to Meghan are accurate, the leaked complaints could well have originated from within Palace walls, with tacit Royal approval.
Maybe Prince Charles will sit down with Oprah Winfrey to spill the tea?
Onwards and downwards . . .