"Tom & Gisele's No Sex Marriage!" Dominates this week's cover. "Super Bowl stud is a bedroom dud!"
Gridiron star Tom Brady allegedly "conserves energy for football games" by failing to perform his marital duties with model wife Gisele Bündchen, which is why she is seeking a divorce, claims the rag.
Brady has said in past interviews that making love on a game day is "probably off the table."
With four pre-season games, 16 regular season games and four playoff games, that makes a possible total of 24 sex-free days out of 365 each year.
The 'Enquirer' has extrapolated that innocent response into suggesting the couple have a "sexless marriage." Right.
"Unhinged Putin Secretly Starts World War III."
Is it really possible to start a World War and keep it a secret?
Apparently America has noticed that it's secretly caught in a global conflagration, because the 'Enquirer' explains "How U.S. is fighting back."
And how is that? By supporting Ukraine "with a whopping $2.98 billion in battlefield weapons" and by "taking out key advisers and crippling Russia's economy."
But how secret can it be? Back in February the 'Enquirer' reported on its front page: "World War III Has Already Started!" They're really not very good at keeping a secret.
"Charles Demotes Harry & Meghan!"
With the death of the Queen a new Royal website positions Prince Harry and Duchess Meghan at "the bottom of the royal rankings – right next to disgraced sex creep Prince Andrew!"
But it was the late Queen who 'demoted' Harry and Meghan by removing them from the list of senior working royals in January, 2020, and even before that with the birth of each of Prince William's three children Harry has fallen ever-lower in the line of succession. With the Queen's death, Harry actually rises closer to the throne, so in one very real way he has seen a promotion in his standing.
"Shooter Baldwin Fleeing America!"
Alec Baldwin is allegedly selling his "lavish properties" in the Hamptons and New York City, prompting the 'Enquirer' to claim that he is fleeing criminal prosecution for the death of cinematographer Halyna Hutchins on the set of 'Rust' last October, and is "seeking asylum" overseas. As if there's another country that will take him.
This 'news' breaks as it's announced elsewhere that Baldwin and the movie's producers have reached an out-of-court settlement with Hutchins' family, and that filming will resume in January. Is agreeing to film in New Mexico in the New Year usually seen as a warning sign of an imminent flight from justice?
Brad Pitt goes on two or three dates with model Emily Ratajkowski, and the 'Enquirer' is already marrying them off, reporting that Angelina Jolie's ex-husband is "dancing on air" and happy "because he knows his latest conquest infuriates Jolie."
What better reason to date a supermodel? Or maybe Jolie won't give a damn who her ex dates?
"Scary Skinny Randy Jackson Wasting Away!"
Proving yet again that the tabloids love to criticize stars' weight whether they are fat or thin, the 'Enquirer' claims that former 'American Idol' judge Randy Jackson is "sparking fears" that he "is entering his final days!"
Ignore the fact that Jackson has been slowly and carefully losing weight for the past decade, and ignore the fact that he looks in great shape; you can rely on the 'Enquirer' to quote some unidentified "fan" on the internet asking: "Is there a possibility that he is suffering from a disease?"
That's what qualifies as reporting these days.
"Tom Cruise Scientology Secrets Exposed!" screams the cover story.
The cult that prizes the 'Top Gun' star as the jewel in its crown reportedly "Arranged romances & brokered divorces! . . . Every whim indulged but spied on by staff! . . . . Used as bait to snag Hollywood A-Listers!"
This is routine coverage of claims made by former Scientology executive Mike Rinder in his new book 'A Billion Years: My Escape From A Life in the Highest Ranks of Scientology.' It's a fascinating book, but these allegations about Cruise have all been aired years ago.
"Garth Brooks' Devastating Health Crisis."
Once again proving that the tabloids hate stars who lose weight, the country crooner is excoriated for allegedly dropping 50 pounds. "Worried doc warns 50 lb weight loss is danger sign, not health triumph," proclaims one headline. Naturally, it's a doctor who hasn't treated Brooks, commenting on the dangers of "yo-yo dieting."
And it's true: people who eat yo-yos run the risk of choking on the string.
Also reportedly too thin: Julia Roberts: "Marriage Stress Eating Julia Alive! . . . Shocking fears for gaunt Ticket to Paradise beauty."
But the actress doesn't appear any thinner than she usually looks. And if she has perhaps lost a pound or two, why must it be "stress due to marriage woes" that are causing it? The tabloids have been predicting the death of her marriage to cinematographer Danny Moder for more than a decade, but they're still together.
"Mean Meghan Gets Dragged Through Mud!"
A week after the world's press reported on a new book claiming that palace staff branded Duchess Meghan a "narcissistic sociopath" for bullying aides, the 'Globe' belatedly catches up, under the banner: "Breaking News."
Wynonna Judd is this week's cover girl, with the headline: "The Last Thing I Said Was 'I Love You.'"
For the uninitiated, Wynonna was speaking to her mother, Naomi, who committed suicide five months ago. Wynonna "reflects on their complicated relationship and finding the strength to tour without her."
She says: "I feel joy, I feel sorrow." Ain't that country music all over?
"Hurricane Ian's Brutal Path – Utter Devastation."
Is it a sign of catastrophe burnout that 'People' doesn't make the latest natural disaster its cover story, and gives it only four pages inside? Celebrity diets often get more space.
Jennifer Aniston dominates this week's cover, with: "Jen's Big Secret – Crazy About Jon!"
Aniston is joined by Jon Hamm in the coming third season of 'The Morning Show,' so naturally when two celebrities get on well together 'Us Weekly' decides there must be a sizzling romance.
"Why Aniston is risking it all for longtime crush," says the rag, which claims: "She's been obsessed with him for over 10 years."
The number of quotes from Hamm and Aniston about their supposed romance? Zero.
At least 'Us Weekly' has the courtesy to mention that Hamm has been in a committed relationship with actress Anna Osceola since 2020.
Thankfully we have the crack investigative team at 'Us Weekly' to tell us that Kristen Taekman wore it best, that Jennifer Tilly has "a psychic ability that helps me . . . when I need my boyfriend to bring something home and he's not answering his phone," and that the stars are just like us: they pump gasoline, cart groceries, and ride the subway. Revelatory, as ever.
Elsewhere in the tabloids:
"Brad, 58 & Emily, 31 – It's On!" Declares the cover. "Secret Hookups at His New $40M Mansion."
Pitt and Ratajkowski have allegedly been "dating for 6 weeks! . . . Emily begged a mutual friend to set them up!" But reportedly "Brad's mother is not happy."
Does Brad Pitt really look like the kind of incel who asks his mother for dating advice?
'Life & Style'
"Secrets of Montecito's A-Listers!" is the cover story apparently aimed at a rather small if elite demographic.
These A-Listers apparently include Jennifer Aniston, Ellen DeGeneres, Adam Levine and Katy Perry.
But Prince Harry and Duchess Meghan, who arguably put the tony California enclave on the international map, are reduced to a miniature photo insert at the bottom of the page, beneath the headline: "Why No One Invites Meghan & Harry To Dinner!"
Why is that? Don't narcissistic sociopaths make great dinner guests?
Onwards and downwards . . .