"Kardashian Empire of Greed Busted!" proclaims the cover story. But it's last week's news: that the SEC fined Kim Kardashian $1.26 million for failing to disclose that she had been paid to promote cryptocurrency. Sister Kylie is allegedly "caught in bait and switch scam," and matriarch Kris Kardashian "accused of pedalling porn!"
The porn in question is Kim's 2002 sex tape, which the 'Enquirer' reports that her video costar Ray J claims "was hatched by Kim's conniving mother." Because what mother doesn't love to see her daughter on film? And Kylie's "bait and switch" arises from social media comments – always a reliable source – claiming that she was "repackaging her cosmetics and then pitching them as a 'new' line."
"Emma's Naked Romp With Goldblum!"
Actors Emma Thompson and Jeff Goldblum got naked to film a movie scene – 33 years ago for the 1989 film The Tall Guy. The scene's in the movie, but the 'Enquirer' seems to think this is news, so it runs under the banner: "First To Know."
"Meghan's Freaky Fixation On Kate Wrecked Royals!"
All the Royal Family's woes are allegedly the result of "Meghan Markle's twisted obsession to outshine her sister-in-law." Then the 'Enquirer' cites the old stories about Meghan making Duchess Kate cry at Meghan and Harry's wedding, accusing the royals of racism, and claiming the royals ignored her when she felt suicidal.
Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas's wife Ginni allegedly has an "Odd secret life" – decades ago she was "hypnotized by a New Age self-help program promising almost superhuman abilities." She later left the Lifespring cult, reportedly saying she had to be "deprogrammed." She was in the cult in the 1980s, which was reported by the Washington Post in 1991, and aired again in June as Ginni voiced conspiracy theories about Trump's 2020 electoral defeat. As ever, the 'Enquirer' labels it: "First To Know." Right.
"Scientology's Darkest Hour!"
Not exactly. Cult member and actor Danny Masterson is on trial for rape, but the pseudo-religion is not in the dock, and has faced far darker hours. The German government refused to recognise it as a religion; British courts have branded it "immoral and socially obnoxious," and cult founder L. Ron Hubbard inconveniently died.
"Frasier Back On The Couch!"
Vintage TV sitcom 'Frasier' is returning to television after 18 years, according to the story under the headline: "News Flash!" But it's news everyone else heard months ago.
"King Charles Purges Royal Family!" declares the front page.
It sounds like he's declared a Purge-like free-kill zone at Buckingham Palace, but that's not quite the case.
"Harry & Meghan OUT!" screams the rag. "Strips Andrew's girls of their Princess titles! Fires 100 palace advisors for being disloyal to crown!"
But it was the late Queen who took Harry & Meghan off the list of senior royals two years ago, and that hasn't changed under Charles.
The new King hasn't moved to strip Andrew's girls Beatrice and Eugenie of their Princess titles, and there's only been one random royal commentator who recently speculated that this could happen, supposedly in retaliation for Andrew's involvement in the Jeffrey Epstein sex scandal.
As for the 100 disloyal advisors – they're actually staff at his long-time residence of Clarence House, given notice that their jobs could be ending when Charles moves to make his home in Buckingham Palace. The staff are neither advisors nor disloyal, and have long expected to face possible redundancy when Charles became King.
"Bossy Michelle Was Born To Flirt!"
The clumsily mixed allusions in the headline refer to Michelle Obama and Bruce Springsteen, allegedly "caught brazenly flirting . . . even though The Boss is happily married".
As is Michelle Obama, last time we checked.
How secret was this tryst? Out in public, and Springsteen clearly had nothing to hide, as the 'Globe' reports: "his wife was watching!"
Or maybe they weren't flirting at all, and the 'Globe' has an over-active imagination?
British royals yet again claim the cover, as 'People' proclaims: "New Royal Era Begins."
You might expect a feature on King Charles, now reigning over the tattered remnants of the British Empire, but no – apparently the "new royal era" is marked by Prince William and Duchess Kate. Does 'People' magazine understand that this couple has the ceremonial power to open a shopping mall and cut the red ribbon outside a new car showroom, but otherwise the slim vestige of royal power that remains with the Crown all resides in Charles?
Following in 'People' mag's footsteps, Princess Kate & Prince William are the 'Us Weekly' cover couple: "Coming To America!"
But the trip was announced in July, so what's new? Unnamed insiders offering speculation that the royal couple might "explore Boston and the surrounding areas," maybe squeeze in a quick trip to the Big Apple," and possibly even meet up with Prince Harry and Meghan. But it's just speculation, not news.
Thankfully we have the crack investigative squad at 'Us Weekly' to tell us that Ella Hunt wore it best, that Sharon Osbourne has "taxidermy mice that I hide in corners to scare people," and that the stars are just like us: they drink coffee, wear spectacles, and carry laundry. Such exciting lives.
Elsewhere in the tabloids . . .
'Life & Style'
Gisele Bündchen, parting from NFL legend Tom Brady, tells "My Side of the Story" on the cover. She reveals the "Lies, Nasty Rumours and 1,000 Broken Promises."
Except for one minor detail: she doesn't appear to have actually spoken with the magazine.
"Bombshell Confessions!" dominate this week's cover. Who has dared to actually confess their darkest secrets to the rag?
Jada Pinkett-Smith, John Stamos and Matthew Perry, allegedly. And then there's Duchess Meghan, who "Finally Names Royal Racist." If only.
Onwards and downwards . . .