America's Best Christian, Mrs. Betty Bowers, reporting from the front lines of the War on Christman

Intrepid Christian reporter Mrs. Betty Bowers bravely entered a shopping mall in America's heartland to show viewers the "pagan combatants" trying to destroy Christmas by uttering their battle cry of "Seasons Greetings" and "Happy Holidays," and "groomers" dressed in Santa ("a brazen anagram of Satan") outfits.

Perhaps the greatest outrage was when Mrs. Bowers approached the gift wrap counter at Neiman Marcus and asked for "festive foil showing Herod's Christmas massacre of babies" and was instead offered a "vaguely scatological yule log."

She also laid to rest the scurrilous attempts by enemies to claim December 25 as a non-Christian religious holiday. Holding up a calendar, she said:

If we look at a map of the battlefield, you can see that the target [December 25] was first occupied by a Babylonian sun god. Next, it was invaded by a bunch of silly copycat religions claiming with a straight face that their God had been born on the same day. In fact, such lazy, unoriginal mythology became the hallmark of ancient false faiths until Jesus was born on the very same day. It was a holy coincidence, that something no one knew until the fourth century when Christians invaded and captured the Roman Winter Solstice, which was celebrated on December 25. We've tenaciously mostly held the battlefield ever since and are at the ready with that defensive line whenever pesky pagans try to retake their own target.