Rather than belatedly enter the debate over nepotism in film industry – a conversation at least dating back to Douglas Fairbanks Jr – the classy rag rates "16 celebrity brats" as "real talent – or total turkeys!"
Among those allegedly with talent: Colin Hanks, Kate Hudson, Gwyneth Paltrow. Turkeys? Jaden & Willow Smith, Tori Spelling, and Dakota Johnson.
"Elton Won't Cut The Rug!"
The piano man continues to wear a wig, claims the supermarket staple, because "his vanity is out of control" according to an unnamed "mole." Could it be Prince William spreading lies again?
"Perfect Pitt Nips Aging In The Bud!"
Brad Pitt has allegedly "had bits of filler here and there" to maintain his smooth skin, but unlike Elton it's not because he's a narcissist, but so "he can attract the younger ladies".
"Melanie Scar Sparks New Cancer Scare!"
Melanie Griffith is photographed with a slight crease on her jawline, which could be the result of a multitude of biological or medical events, but which the 'Enquirer' naturally "fears" is cancer.
The British royal family naturally feature this week: "William Fears Harry Is Killing Their Father!"
That's rich coming from the tabloid that has repeatedly questioned whether Charles is even Harry's father.
"Now courageous Kate is playing peacemaker," they report. How brave of her.
Surprisingly, it's not an attack on Meghan. William "no longer believes Harry is being manipulated by Meghan." Right.
"UFO Danger Is Rising!"
The Office of the Director of National intelligence recently announced 510 incidents where aviators saw unidentified objects – but the 'Enquirer' ignores the section where the report added: "there's no evidence of extraterrestrials."
'Enquirer' "experts," however, "conclude America's defences are being tested by extraterrestrials." Just the sort of thing the Lizard People would say to throw us off their tracks.
"Lisa Marie's Death $parks Brawl In The Family!"
The 'Enquirer' claims there is a custody battle waging over Elvis's twin 14-year-old grandchildren Finley and Harper.
Not according to the court that recently awarded custody of the duo to their father Michael Lockwood.
The royals claim their rightful place in the hierarchy of tabloid fodder with this week's cover story: "Prince Harry Blackmailing Charles! Explosive threat to bare Diana abuse."
An unnamed insider claims: "Harry seems to be using the threat of a second book to bend his father to his will."
That must be why Harry is still exiled, hasn't yet been invited to King Charles' coronation, and his father won't speak to him.
"Biden Plastic Surgery Binge Exposed! Hair plugs! Botox! Teeth! Facelift!"
Not because he's vain like Elton or wants to attract women like Brad Pitt, but because the 80-year-old president is "trying to trick America!" Makes perfect sense.
The alleged nips and tucks are revealed by an unnamed "beltway insider" who claims the president has had sagging neck skin removed, eyelid rejuvenation, teeth veneers and a skin-tightening facelift. What – no Brazilian butt lift?
"Rupert, 91, Lands New Beach Bunny."
The Rupert in question is Media mogul Murdoch, fresh from his divorce from Jerry Hall. He is pictured sunbathing in Barbados with widow Ann-Lesley Smith. This "beach bunny" is 66 years old, which seems to be stretching the definition of "bunny" somewhat. She's doubtless attracted to his looks. And Murdoch isn't even accused of using Botox.
"Russians Blow UFO Out of Sky!"
It's an unsubstantiated claim, yet the Enquirer' isn't worried that this alleged attack will set off a War of the Worlds-style invasion of Earth. Instead, the rag fears that Vladimir Putin will get his hands on the downed spacecraft, and warns of "Fears Kremlin will obtain new super weapons." Seems obvious once they say it.
Jennifer Garner dominates the cover, as the faces "The Biggest Decision Of Her Life."
Her supposed dilemma? Whether to marry again. After the tabloids spent years predicting her reunion with ex-husband Ben Affleck, his wedding to Jennifer Lopez put something of a damper on that likelihood, so now the tabs feel the need to claim that Garner must be facing another emotional crisis.
Total number of quotes in the article from Jennifer Garner: Zero.
"Why Meghan Disappeared."
It's called staying at home. The Duchess of Sussex is probably holed up repeatedly watching her 'Netflix' series to boost its viewing figures, and reading 'Spare' to find out what really happened behind closed palace doors.
Mary J Blige obliges the rag with its cover story: "Faith, Fame & Finding My True Self." At least she's quoted in the story, which is the magazine's nod to Black History Month. Apparently "she's found happiness and peace." Is that really the archetypal story of Black history?
The mag devotes five full pages to Black History's "Living Legends": Angela Bassett, Stevie Wonder, Whoopi Goldberg, Queen Latifah, Denzel Washington, Harry Belafonte, Barack Obama, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, giving each the luxury of a paragraph or two, and to prove it's really trying throws in stories on actress Jessica Williams and Afro-Cuban Gen Z Florida Congressman Maxwell Frost.
And then it's back to business as usual: a mass shooting in a Los Angeles dance studio over the Chinese New Year, Alec Baldwin's manslaughter charges for allegedly pulling the trigger on the 'Rust' film set shooting, and the death of David Crosby.
Onwards and downwards…