Elvis Presley's late daughter dominates this week's cover: "Lisa Marie: My Escape From Scientology."
Isn't it convenient that the 'Enquirer' can finally print her story just when she can no longer sue for defamation following her sudden death last month?
Lisa Marie allegedly complained that the cult wanted her to recruit pop singer Michael Jackson, who she wed in 1994 – he did not drink the Kool-Aid (or Flavor-Aid for Jonestown sticklers) – ands fled Scientology after reading an exposé about how the self-proclaimed Church isolated apostates.
"I f***ing hate Tom Cruise!" she reportedly said, which one imagines are the magic words for leaving the cult.
"Shameless Camilla's Crowning Achievement."
It's true: during the ceremonial coronation of King Charles in May his wife will receive her own more modest version of a coronation as Queen Consort. That much has been confirmed by Buckingham Palace.
What is striking in the 'Enquirer' report is the level of vitriol directed against Camilla, who apparently cannot be forgiven for her affair with Charles while he was married to Princess Diana.
Taking objective reporting to new lows, Camilla is branded a "ruthless schemer" whose "terrible ambition" and "backstabbing," "backbiting" and "gossiping" eventually "bullied Charles into tying the knot" until her "wicked behavior" won her the "Game of Thrones."
Fair and balanced reporting at its best.
"Suicidal Naomi Was Determined To Die!"
Singer Naomi Judd reportedly wasn't messing around. It seems pretty obvious in retrospect: an overdose of pills might be a cry for help, but shooting yourself in the head suggests that you're not pussyfooting around. Apparently the 'Enquirer' thinks this warrants a "News Flash!" banner.
"Pathetic Prince Harry Hitting The Bottle!"
This dramatic front-page headline is accompanied by a photo of Harry, fifth in line for the British throne, in crisp jacket and tie, taking a genteel sip from what looks like a very modest wine glass. Inset is a photo of Harry knocking back a bottle of beer – a single bottle of Heineken that he imbibed at a music festival in London in 2017.
More recently, he was seen appearing on 'The Late Show' and shared two small shots of tequila – or could it have been water in a tequila bottle? – with Stephen Colbert, which was enough to push the 'Enquirer' into apoplectic fits of panic: "New royal fears for prince who swore off booze in 2018."
But those "fears" are translated into reality in the headline above the story inside, which claims:
"Harried Harry Is Back On The Sauce!"
The rag claims: "King Charles and his inner circle worry the runaway royal son is heading for disaster!" Because Charles' inner circle typically go running to the 'Enquirer' with all their deepest concerns.
"Pint-Sized Putin Wears High Heels!"
Well, not stilletoes, but lifts, claims the rag. Russian strongman Vladimir Putin, all 5-ft 7-in of him, reportedly wears "elevator shoes" to appear taller because he is "desperate to be a big man." Given the size of his ego, you'd think he'd be wearing stilts.
"Antichrist Orchestrates Bloodbath!"
That seems on brand for the Antichrist, but it's actually the tragic story of a mentally unstable Pennsylvania woman, Morgan Daub, who allegedly shot both her parents before killing herself. Evidently Daub identified herself as the Antichrist, so orchestrating a bloodbath is really part of the job description.
"The Aftermath of Harry's Memoir" dominates this week's cover, as the rag reveals: "Kate & William Under Pressure."
Britain's Royal Family is reportedly "picking up the pieces after Harry's bombshell revelations."
But the Royals have notably declined to comment on any of the allegations in Harry's bestselling book 'Spare,' and neither Harry and Meghan nor the rest of the royals have shown any signs of moving toward a reconciliation.
All of which leaves 'People' magazine pontificating about how King Charles and Prince William are getting on with their lives. Charles has the family business to run, and William is first in the line of succession, so it's hardly surprising that fifth-in-line Harry is relegated to the who-cares-what-he-does column.
"To Hell & Back" proclaims the cover, promising "Jennifer Coolidge's Untold Story."
It reveals the "tragedy, setbacks & surgery" that took Coolidge from playing Stifler's mom to 'White Lotus.' It's 'a piece culled from clippings, but intriguingly includes the self-deprecating quote about catching herself in a mirror after plastic surgery "and I go, 'what the f**k is that?'"
"Meg's Shock – Harry's First Lover Breaks Her Silence."
It's hard to imagine that Duchess Meghan would be shocked when, after Harry revealed that he lost his virginity to an older woman behind a pub one night, that the woman in question has come forward to identify herself and corroborate the story. Or, as 'Us Weekly' so elegantly puts it: "After weeks of speculation, the woman who took Harry's V-Card is revealed."
Thankfully we have the crack investigative team at 'Us Weekly' to tell us that Irina Shank wore it best (as if there is any good way of wearing a life-size faux lion's head like an over-sized brooch on your shoulder), that Rita Moreno owns "75 pairs of shoes," and that the stars are just like us: they water their lawns (shirtless and smiling for the cameras like Tyler Cameron, who looks like he did 50 push-ups and three sets of curls before posing for the 'impromptu' pic), sit in massage chairs (at Joey King's mother's house, where a photographer just happened to be in the living room), and scrolling on their cell phones like Emma Roberts as they stroll the streets of Los Angeles.
'Life & Style'
"The Princess Kate Nobody Knows!"
Nobody except 'Life & Style' magazine, that is, which naturally has privileged inside information on the normally-secretive future Queen of England. As if.
The rag reveals that Kate enjoys Karaoke, binges reality TV, cooks dinner every night, makes her children perform chores, and complains about her husband.
It's the Kate nobody knows . . . except for all the friends who have heard her sing Karaoke at parties; the readers of 'Us Weekly' who were informed in 2012 that Kate loved British reality TV series 'The Only Way Is Essex,' the many times Kate has confessed cooking homemade pizza and spicy curries, the numerous reports that Kate's three children do chores at home to earn an allowance, and the thousands of tabloid stories in which Kate was reportedly less than happy with her husband's behavior.
All in all, the mag reveals the Kate that everybody could know, but most people don't give a damn about.
"Stars Kiss & Tell!" screams the promising cover story. "Secret Affairs With Other A-Listers! True Love, Cheating One-Night Affairs & Stage 5 Clingers – All The Juicy Details!"
The stars in question include Justin Timberlake and Orlando Bloom, Jessica Simpson and Kate Hudson, and as one might expect, none of them have sat down with 'In Touch' to spill a single bean, let alone "tell all." It's a tabloid ouroboros: gossip feeding on itself.
Onwards and downwards . . .