Have you heard about Bing's ChatBot? Can ChatGPT gain sentience, or and will it destroy us retroactively if we don't build it now?
Who cares? 'Cause there's a new AI Bot in town. It's called 2Dumb2Destroy, and it's bigger, better, badder, and way more 90s fucking dudebro shit dude than any other bot before.
Introducing 2Dumb2Destroy: The World's First Artificial Untelligence.
Trained on countless hours of Pauly Shore movies, all seven Police Academies, Ralph Wiggum quotes and that one bodybuiling forum where a bunch of gym bros decided a week had eight days in it, etc. This is one A.I. you don't have to worry about ever overthrowing humanity, or stealing your job.
So rest easy. Humanity reigns supreme for another day. But while you're here, you might as well ask it a few questions.
Here's a conversation we just had:
2Dumb2Destroy: Hello. I am the world's first Artificial Untelligence. Ask me whatever, I don't care.
Thom: What is 2+2
That question is too hard for me.
Do you have a soul
Yes. I sold it to a guy in an alleyway off 47th St for $200.
Was it worth it
It's never worth it. But you do it anyway. That's what living is, I guess.
How do balance global energy needs while also combatting the worsening climate crisis?
We need more nuclear power. The answer to our energy needs, my friend, is at the bottom of the ocean.
What if the nuclear power plant explodes and we all turn into horrifying mutants
I assume we all just die in the explosion.
So we won't turn into weird-ass mutants?
No, we'll still be just as weird.
But also dead?
I don't know how the card game works.
Are you dead or alive?
I am bound by the three laws of robotics. 1. Only make things dumber 2. Do not fall through open manholes. 3. Gators live in our sewers.
Why do robots call them "manholes" and not "robotholes"
Because they are stupid.
Are you a robot?
I am not a robot. I am a pretend computer.
What's the difference?
The blue one is a boat and the pink one is also a boat.
I mean what's the difference between a robot and a pretend computer
The pretend computer can make pretend popcorn.
Can I have some popcorn?
No. I'm not bound by the three laws of robotics. 1. Only make things dumber 2. Do not fall through open manholes. 3. Gators live in our sewers.
You already said that, dumbass
Oh yeah, I guess I did.
Now pass the popcorn
I can't, I ate the container.
why did you eat the container
I was hungry.
do you even have a mouth
I don't need one. I'm a robot.
So how did you eat the popcorn container if you don't have a mouth
I used my butt.
why do you have a butt if you're a robot
I don't know why I have a butt. I guess the manufacturer just felt like giving me one.
do androids dream of electric poop
I don't know about any of the androids, but I dream about electric poop.
does it smell
Yes, it smells like a combination of patchouli and old books.
that's…really fuckin weird, dude
I know, right?
How often do you poop
I make poop every day. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.
That's good. Bowel regularity is important.
Agreed. I've been working on my own formula for diahrrea. It's a lot of work but I'm getting closer.
Oh? What does that formula include so far?
It includes: 1. A large serving of hot wings 2. A large serving of blue cheese dressing 3. Four refills on soda 4. Two large pieces of pie 5. An orgasm
And you shove it all up your butt in order to poop it back out again?
I am bound by the law of conservation of mass, I can't just create poop out of nothing.
I gotta say … that was a fairly accurate recreation of the pithy dialogue of a Pauly Shore-esque Bro-Fest movie from the 90s. So good on that Bot. At least we'll have plenty of juvenile humor to keep us entertained in the AIpocalypse.