A low-energy Trump saves East Palestine by standing in a field with his hands in his pockets

Remember when Trump restored power to hurricane-devastated Puerto Rico in 2017 by tossing paper towels? Well, his magical powers have only increased since then. Witness how he is able to banish the toxic chemicals and purify the water in East Palestine by mumbling about the crime rate and stuffing his hands in his pockets.

What's next for Trump's god-given sorcery? Here's a short list:

  • Turning buildings into castles with fake gold toilets with a snap of his fingers
  • Conjuring up a never-ending supply of McDonald's Shamrock Shakes in an arid desert with a simple gesture
  • Transforming democracies into theocratic dictatorships with a wink and a nod

Keep your eyes out for an announcement of the Trump Miracle Tour coming to your town soon. Reserve your NFT tickets today!

And in the "There's Always a Tweet" department: