The long dark teatime of our soul continues with Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez's cover story in the 'Enquirer': "Ben & J.Lo Marriage Disaster!"
Why let the facts stand in the way of a good story?
When Ben Affleck looked bored at the Grammys, the 'Enquirer' claimed his marriage to J.Lo was on the rocks.
Now that the duo have each been decorated with romantic his 'n' hers tattoos to celebrate St Valentine's Day, the rag claims: "This is a very tangible sign of Jen's manipulative ways."
According to so-called "relationship expert to the stars" Dr Gilda Carle: "Ben is a dependent addict and Jennifer is a control freak who needs constant affirmation."
So their tattoos aren't a token of their love, but a mark of Lopez"s domination over Affleck. Right.
And so romantic.
"Tom"s Mission Impossible – Finding A Date!"
According to the rag "the Top Gun screen stud is an undateable dud because gals think the rabid Scientologist is a bossy, egomaniac," according to unnamed sources.
Strange – that never stopped him getting dates in the past.
"Kourtney Muffs Vagina Gummies!"
Kourtney Kardashian has launched a line of edible gummies that allegedly "will improve the scent, taste and health of lady parts" – hence the nudge, nudge, wink-wink headline with the double-entendre of "Muffs" – which medical experts say are spurious claims.
The 'Enquirer' reports that critics have branded Kourtney's promotion for the gummies as "crude" and "vulgar."
At least it's on brand.
"Poor Perry Is Losing His Hair!"
And the 'Enquirer' has the photograph of former 'Friends' star Matthew Perry to prove it. – except the image shows him with a full head of wild, if greying, hair.
"Pals are pushing the sloppy sitcom legend to get hair plugs," claim unidentified sources. Sure they are, because that's what pals do.
"Andrew's Revenge Memoir Holds King For Ransom!"
Disgraced and financially strapped, "conniving Prince Andrew is threatening to humiliate his royal relatives by airing their dirty laundry in an embarrassing tell-all – if brother King Charles doesn't restore his palace pay check and privileges, sources confide."
Does Andrew have secrets that could embarrass the British Royal Family? It seems plausible. But would it make sense for Andrew to pen a kiss 'n' tell?.
"He's hell-bent on saving his tattered reputation, and a tell-all book seems like the way to go," says a source. No, it doesn't. A tell-all ensures that the author's reputation remains in tatters, but at least gets paid for it.
"New Marburg Virus Pandemic Threat!"
Always happy to scare the living daylights out of its readers, the 'Enquirer' claims that the Marburg virus, currently appearing in Africa, is "more deadly than COVID and Ebola combined," and is "just one plane flight away from America." Or two plane flights if it connects in Frankfurt and takes a red-eye, which would be appropriate for a virus that reportedly "causes spontaneous bleeding from the eyes".
"America's Hot War On Space Invaders!"
It's not a war on the vintage arcade game, apparently, but extraterrestrials, as the 'Enquirer' reports that "jets blow three UFOs out of sky as military braces for new assault."
Though all evidence suggests that the unidentified objects were weather balloons, scientific or military spy balloons, the 'Enquirer' naturally concludes that "global governments are secretly bracing for an alien invasion".
But wouldn't aliens wait until Independence Day to attack us?
"Queen Camilla Falls Off The Wagon!" screams the cover.
The rag which claims to have spies in every corner of Buckingham Palace – when King Charles and Queen Consort Camilla are alone in their bedroom, the 'Globe' insider is hiding behind the tapestries – reports: "Camilla drinking again after fight with King Charles!"
Of course, it's all Prince Harry and Meghan's fault, for pushing Camilla over the edge and driving her to drink, claims the rag.
Camilla reportedly "poses a real threat to the monarchy" who "could derail Charles' May 2 coronation is she 'doesn't sober up fast,'" according to an unidentified palace courtier.
But how unimpeachable is the 'Globe' source, when Charles' coronation is actually on May 6? Details, details.
"War of the Worlds!"
US fighter jets have downed three unidentified flying objects, and the 'Globe' assures us that Pentagon brass admit "space aliens could be behind the mysterious craft!"
This is what we get when NORAD commander General Glen VanHerck tells the media: "I haven't ruled out anything."
But he's not exactly saying that the UFOs were of alien origin.
So could the fighter jets have shot down the Flying Spaghetti Monster? It can't be ruled out.
Could they have shot down Bertrand Russell's famed teapot in space? Can't be ruled out.
Alien spacecraft? Sure, why not?
"Baldwin Blimps Out!"
Facing involuntary manslaughter charges for the tragic killing on the set of his film 'Rust,' Alec Baldwin has reportedly gained 30 pounds. – not 29, not 31: the 'Globe' is confident it's 30 pounds – "and is piling on the pounds with shocking pig-outs" as he has "turned to food for comfort."
And they have the photo to prove it: Alec Baldwin wearing a puffy jacket that would make Karen Carpenter look obese.
The singer Pink is this week's cover girl, confessing: "I've Lived a Lot of Life!"
Haven't we all?
She talks about "coping after her dad's death, raising 'rad' kids and surviving pop stardom."
In true 'People' tradition she is living her best life, saying: "I count my blessing every single day."
"Bruce Willis – His Heartbreaking Diagnosis."
Frontotemporal dementia explained, as "his family stay strong."
"Happy At Last!" Declares the cover headline. "Rebel Wilson's Wedding & Baby Joy."
The actress is reportedly "planning for baby No.2 already!"
As for the wedding – it hasn't happened yet, as Wilson only just announced her engagement to girlfriend Ramona Agruma.
"Riley Keough – Fractured Family."
Elvis Presley's granddaughter, actress Riley Keough, reportedly wants partial custody of her half-sisters, twins Finley and Harper, aged 14, because she "wants to be in control of the estate's money," claims an unnamed source.
Elvis's millions, left by the late Lisa Marie Presley to her three daughters, are now in limbo as Elvis's ex-wife Priscilla disputes the will.
A little less conversation might be helpful.
Thankfully we have the crack investigative squad at 'Us Weekly' to tell us that Cindy Bruno wore it best, that Jim Gaffigan's "biggest secret talent is that I can sleep a lot and still be exhausted," and that the stars are just like us: they enjoy knitting (actually, Scout Willis is crocheting), go antiquing, and ask for directions when lost. And when aren't they lost?
'Life & Style'
The 'Top Gun' star is this week's cover hunk as Tom Cruise "finally talks," telling the mag: "This Is My Year!"
And yet inside the magazine there's not a single quote that Cruise gave 'Life & Style.'
It's all based on quotes from unnamed sources, none of them named Tom Cruise.
Nevertheless, the rag claims he is "dating again!"
If only these people read the 'National Enquirer,' then they would know that Cruise can't get a date. Which makes it all the more intriguing that the rag reveals "all about his new mystery girlfriend."
A mystery indeed.
The Royals dominate this week's cover with a dramatic revelation: "King Charles – Chooses Harry Over William!"
No, William hasn't been booted from the line of succession, and Harry isn't suddenly going to become the monarch when Charles finally shuffles off this mortal coil.
Against all evidence to the contrary, 'In Touch' claims that the "Spare Heir and Meghan" have been given a "major role" in Charles' coming coronation, and have been gifted a "$12 million Kensington palace apartment."
This, despite all of Fleet Street's finest royal correspondents reporting that Harry may not attend the coronation if his family doesn't meet with him in advance to apologize for past perceived wrongs, and that Meghan may miss the event altogether.
Now it's "furious" Princess Kate who "threatens to boycott" the coronation.
Who needs Prince Andrew's tell-all book when we're eagerly awaiting the next instalment of this royal soap opera?
Surely the tabloids can't all be wrong?
Onwards and downwards . . .