'Globe'
Not since the Patriarch of Constantinople was excommunicated in the Great Schism of 1054, splitting the Roman Catholic and Eastern Orthodox faiths, has there been so momentous a breach in world religions.
At least, that's what the 'Globe' might have you think with this week's cover story: "Cruise vs Travolta – Scientology Feud Explodes!"
It's worse than the furnace in the Bible that was heated seven times: "Top Gun Tom Snubs John!" screams the rag, promising to explain "Why A-list poster boys hate each other's guts."
According to an unnamed insider, Travolta is "annoyed" that Cruise was given Scientology's Freedom Medal of Valor in 2008, even though Travolta had joined the pseudo-scientific cult before the 'Risky Business' star.
And how exactly is Cruise "clashing again" with Travolta?
Evidently Cruise was doing the rounds in Hollywood "shamelessly schmoozing with everybody who's anybody" to promote 'Top Gun: Maverick,' but had not met with Travolta.
Could that have anything to do with the fact that Travolta lives in Florida? Just asking for a friend.
This is the just sort of misunderstanding that sparked the Reformation and the birth of the Church of England.
"Ron DeSantis Tortured Gitmo POWs!"
The putative Republican presidential front-runner for 2024 was indeed a US Navy lawyer who in a previous life spent a period working at Guantanamo Bay and had oversight over the conditions of inmates at the time when torture and abuse were employed as interrogation techniques, more than a dozen former naval officers confirmed to the 'Miami Herald.'
Two former detainees went public with accusations that now-Florida Governor DeSantis laughed as they were violently force-fed during a hunger strike.
The 'Globe' takes these allegations a step further, of course, claiming that DeSantis was "torturing helpless Gitmo POWs & smiling as they screamed."
But while the claims won't win DeSantis the love of any Democrats, it may ironically endear him to what the 'Globe' terms "red-meat Republicans."
Is this "sensational war crimes scandal" a bizarre way for the 'Globe' to promote DeSantis?
"Miranda Writes Off Blake!"
Miranda Lambert and Blake Shelton divorced in 2015 – wasn't that writing him off then?
Now singer Morgan Waller has a hit on the country music charts that Lambert penned, so the 'Globe' gloats that Shelton "only sings other folks songs." Seems to be working out for him quite well.
"Foxhole Firefight"
It's hard to know where the 'Globe' places its political loyalties these days, as it digs into the Fox News scandal: "Caught lying, Tucker and Sean" – that's Carlson and Hannity to you and me – "swap potshots to save their gigs." Fox executives deny that any "hosts will be fired." Presumably because lying to viewers is on brand.
"Do Photos Prove Aaron Carter Was Murdered?"
Yet another shining example of Betteridge's law of headlines, which posits that any headline ending in a question mark.can be answered by the word "No."
Unedifying crime scene photos of a bathtub filled with murky water, scattered stained clothing, and towels "perfectly placed" on the floor don't amount to a smouldering pea-shooter, let alone a smoking gun.
'National Examiner'
While the 'National Enquirer' is evidently suffering distribution problems, the 'National Examiner does valiant service bringing us the "untold stories" of "Brave Stars Fighting For Life!"
These untold stories have all been heard before, of course, and it's another manufactured story pulling together the loose strands of disparate celebrities suffering chronic diseases, and weaving them into a threadbare third-rate tapestry.
The list includes Christina Applegate (multiple sclerosis), Selena Gomez (Lupus), Cher (Epstein-Barr virus), Celine Dion (stiff person syndrome), Liza Minnelli (viral encephalitis), and Jimmy Kimmel (narcolepsy), all "forced to face rare or chronic disease."
One can't help feeling that the 'National Examiner' demographic must be on their last legs, given the rag's fascination with illness, aging and death.
"10 Best Movie Nurses!" is one two-page feature. "5 sleeping habits To Help You Live Longer!" is another. "Make Scars Disappear!" raves one article. Who are these aged, diseased and scarred readers?
The news is as ancient as its readership: a look at the making of the movie 'Cleopatra' in 1963; a feature on the making of 'The Good, The Bad and the Ugly' in 1966, and two pages on Goldie Hawn's "maternity ward miracle" in 1976.
'People'
Actress Brooke Shields, who for years evidently blamed herself for being sexually assaulted in her 20s, tells her "untold story" and says: "It's a Miracle I survived." She reveals her struggles in a new documentary, and talks about surviving child stardom and an alcoholic mother: minimum entry-level requirements for a celebrity tell-all these days.
At least Shields stays close to her mother: she keeps her ashes in a silver urn on her living room bar.
Unsurprisingly the Academy Awards receive substantial coverage: 40 pages of it, to be precise: glamorous gowns, terrific tuxedos, fabulous fashions, dazzling diamonds, cuddling couples, weeping winners, partying personalities – it's as exhausting and soul-destroying as being there.
'Us Weekly'
Struggling golfing ex-wunderkind Tiger Woods is this week's cover victim, as the magazine asks: "Can Tiger Be Tamed?"
To be clear, nobody is trying to tame him. Rather, ex-girlfriend Erica Herman is taking legal action to overthrow her signed non-disclosure agreement, claiming that he owes her $30 million after kicking her out of his Florida home despite their "oral agreement."
She wants the NDA declared null and void because of an alleged sexual assault by Woods, which an unnamed source brands "a money grab."
The Oscars occupy a mere six pages in 'Us Weekly,' saving space for the truly important news: what stars eat for breakfast (pancakes, bacon, frittata), celebrities' work-out tips ("When I listen to my body, that's when I'm happiest," says Vanessa Hudgens), spring fashion trends, and Whitney Cummings' St Patrick's Day cocktail recipe.
Thankfully we have the crack investigative team at 'Us Weekly' to tell us that Jessica Kahawaty wore it best, that 'Real Housewives of New Jersey' star Dolores Catania secretly wishes "I was a ballroom dancer," and that the stars are just like us: they brush their teeth and read in bed (but not at the same time.)
'In Touch'
"Worst Neighbors Ever!" proclaims the rag's cover story, pointing the finger of shame at celebrities including Duchess Meghan ("doesn't clean up after her dogs"), Richard Gere ("rude to everyone"), Ivanka Trump ("ignores rotting garbage") and Rihanna ("drives over people's lawns.")
And the Hatfields thought the McCoys were bad?
'In Style'
Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck share this week's cover story, which after seven months of wedded bliss asks if there are "Cracks In The Marriage?"
Betteridge's Law strikes again, perhaps.
The couple are challenged by "Tears, Nights Apart & Nonstop Bickering," Presumably they phone 'In Style' to complain after every argument.
Onwards and downwards . . .
