"Epstein Murder Cover-Up Exposed!" screams the cover story.
A US Justice dept. probe into Epstein's apparent suicide has reportedly "been deliberately put on ice to pervert justice and protect the blackmailing kinkster's rich and powerful victims," according to "stunned insiders." Are insiders ever bored or stultified by news? It seems not. They're an easily excitable lot.
Attorney Spencer Kuvin, who represented a dozen of Epstein's alleged sex slaves, claims the Justice dept. is delaying its investigation into Epstein's death. The story rants about Epstein's powerful political connections, but gives no real indication that the investigation into his death has been quashed. It's simply not moving fast enough for conspiracy theorists who wonder why cellblock cameras weren't working (a run-down prison? Unthinkable); why prison guards lied about skipping their rounds (because they were being lazy and didn't want to get caught), and why he hanged himself with a torn bedsheet instead of the cord from his sleep apnea machine (ask Epstein.) Just because there are unanswered questions doesn't mean there's a conspiracy. But conspiracy theorists love to fill in the gaps.
"Beyonce Marriage Hangs By A Thread." Doesn't it always? If only Epstein had hanged by a thread, maybe we wouldn't be in this mess now.
"McConnell's Brain Damage Nightmare!" The Senate minority leader, aged 81, had a fall, which the 'Enquirer' naturally believes will mean he "is facing a devastating brain damage nightmare." Right.
"Pentagon Confirms Aliens Monitor Earth!" No, it didn't. A Pentagon report states that "An artificial interstellar object could potentially be a parent craft that releases many small probes." Or it may be nothing of the sort. The Pentagon isn't saying it's an alien mothership; it's saying that if a giant space rock happens to be a parent craft, then it could release smaller spacecraft. And if it's a giant space octopus, it could release clouds of space ink. Speculation doesn't make it fact.
"Clint Vanishes!" Clint Eastwood "hasn't been spotted in public in more than a year," claims the 'Enquirer,' which actually means that paparazzi haven't photographed him in a year. It's the equivalent of the old adage: If Clint Eastwood falls down in a wood with nobody around, does he make a sound? Apparently not. The 'Dirty Harry' star could be walking down the Carmel High Street every day near his California home, but if he isn't photographed then he doesn't exist as far as the tabloids are concerned.
"China Cash Scandal Infects Fauci!" Calling Dr Anthony Fauci a "Covid denier" is not the most ludicrous part of this story about the man who until recently spearheaded America's fight against the virus. Because the National Institutes of Health helped fund China's Wuhan Institute of Virology, the rag claims Fauci "is caught up in an explosive Chinese money scandal." The 'Enquirer' claims that "new evidence proves the blustering bureaucrat deliberately hid the killer virus' origin". But the origin of Covid is still in dispute – in just the past month two different reports traced the cause to the Wuhan lab, and alternately to the Wuhan animal wet market. The US government was helping to fund the Wuhan laboratory through Republican and Democrat administrations, but the 'Enquirer' reports that "Fauci should be punished for 'hiding the truth' about Covid". Is stupidity infectious?
The British Royal soap opera continues unabated with this week's cover story: "Andrew Blackmails Charles!" Prince Andrew is allegedly "tossing screaming tantrums" and "threatening to reveal brother King Charles' secret gay flings" along with "Queen Camilla's alcoholism and other royal family scandals!"
He is reportedly "in a white-hot tizzy" after being evicted from his home at Windsor Castle and being offered the modest Frognal Cottage that was formerly home to Prince Harry and Meghan. "He's threatening the ultimate royal tell-all" book and a "big-bucks bombshell TV interview" unless Charles restores his lost titles and agrees to share his "$790 million inheritance from their mom, Queen Elizabeth." Apparently Andrew is "hurting for cash" and wants to make "a royal comeback." It might be a little late for him to make a bid for the throne.
"Kardashians Cut Down To Size!" The reality TV klan has reportedly not been invited to this year's Met Gala in New York, orchestrated by 'Vogue' magazine. Since when has being tacky and tasteless been a bar to a Met Gala invitation? Singer Katy Perry dressed as a chandelier to the 2019 Met Gala, before changing into a hamburger costume. And it's the Kardashians who are being uninvited? "Robert Blake Hitman Tapes Finally Exposed!" Now that TV's 'Baretta' star Robert Blake is dead and can't sue, the Globe claims: "Blake got away with murdering his gold-digger wife Bonny Lee Bakley" It's hardly news: two of Blake's friends testified during his murder trial that he had asked them to help kill his wife. Unnamed source now claims to have heard tape recordings of phone calls in which Blake approaches the potential hitmen to rub out his wife. But the 'Globe' doesn't have the tapes, and can hardly claim to be exposing an allegation that was previously made two decades ago. The magazine doesn't tell readers that the two would-be hitmen, both stuntmen from Blake's 'Baretta' series, were not given much credence during his murder trial, when no mention was made of them having tape recorded evidence of Blake's attempt to hire a hitman.
"Pyramid Power – discovery reveals aliens built ancient wonders to fuel UFOs." That must be quite some discovery in the depths of Egyptian tombs, to prove that UFOs used the pyramids like a gas station beaming up electro-magnetic power. Citing "explosive new scientific evidence," the report notes that scanning technology has found a previously unknown chamber 30 feet long and six feet wide within the Great Pyramid at Giza. It's true that the chamber has been found, but there is zero evidence that "space aliens built the massive Egyptian structure." Throwing logic to the wind, the 'Globe' reports: "Now an American team is racing to the site in hopes of finding instructions left by aliens for advanced weapons or a Star Gate to other galaxies!" Maybe they'll find Monty Python's Holy Grail and one of Indiana Jones's crystal skulls there while they're at it.
"Russia's Murder, Inc!" Portraying Russian leader Vladimir Putin like the head of a Mafia assassination squad-for-hire, the 'Globe' flexes its well-oiled geopolitical muscles to claim that "Putin is killing off his ring of second-banana oligarchs and officials". First-banana oligarchs presumably have given Putin the slip. The 'Globe' claims that Putin's death toll stands at "a whopping 39 and counting!" The oligarchs meeting "suspicious" deaths are supposedly those who question Putin's strategy of invading the Ukraine. Presumably first-banana oligarchs know better.
"Loni & Sally Pee On Burt's Grave!" No, they didn't. Burt Reynolds' ex-wife Loni Anderson and his former lover Sally Field have not urinated anywhere near the last resting place of the actor who died in 2018. The report makes clear that they both remain "bitter" about Reynolds, but evidently no bladders have been emptied in his vicinity.
'People' magazine always puts the proclamation "Double Issue" on its cover when it plans to be on the newsstands for two weeks, so the absence of a new issue this week, leaving the old issue on newsstands without a "Double Issue" banner, suggests that something may be deeply wrong within the workings of the venerable celebrity rag.
Keanu Reeves is this week's cover hunk, apparently a man of the moment, with "No Looking Back." But he doesn't look forward, either. In fact, unsurprisingly, Reeves doesn't say a word to 'Us Weekly,' whose report on his career comes from a variety of unnamed sources, and which despite the headline spends much of its time looking back on his past. Thankfully we have the crack investigative team at 'Us Weekly' to tell us that Naomi Campbell wore it best, that Martha Stewart's "favourite snack is Oreo cookies," and that the stars are just like us: they eat treats, pick fruit, and go to the dentist (presumably because they're eating too many candies and not enough fruit.)
"Tom & Nicole's 22-Year Feud Explodes" Allegedly Cruise and Kidman are warring over "Lies, Jealousy & Recorded Phone Calls." The rag claims to know "the dirty secret he's holding over Nicole," and "what really tore the couple apart!" They've been divorced since 2001, and their children are all adults, so this has the feel of regurgitated old news.
'Life & Style'
The cover story claims that Selena Gomez reveals: "Fame Almost Destroyed Me." Sure, you and everyone else in Hollywood with any modicum of success. The rag plumbs "her struggles with anxiety and depression," and her "heartbreak, abuse & body shaming." That should cheer her up.
Onwards and downwards . . .