"King Charles' Battle With Mental Illness Exposed!" screams the front page headline.
The evidence is hard to refute: "Talks to plants & his dead uncle! Actually fears he'll become a werewolf! Can't sleep without favourite teddy bear!"
Can't argue with science.
"Anxiety, depression and exhaustion threaten Charles' coronation," claims the rag, as the King's "secret battle with mental illness . . . threatens to topple the monarchy."
Strange – it never troubled the monarchy in the past.
"Doomsday Fungus Ravaging America! Drugs can't stop it!"
If 'The Last of Us' hadn't popularized the concept of a fungus turning people into zombies, it's unlikely the 'Enquirer' would have noticed the drug-resistant mold Candida auris that tends to appear in medical facilities.
Halle Berry posted an Instagram photo of herself naked, though strategically covered by balcony railings, shadows and a well-placed arm, so that she reveals less than anyone wearing a bikini on a public beach. Yet the 'Enquirer' calls it "bizarre, X-rated" and claims "medical experts" believe "she's sending out a twisted cry for attention!"
Isn't social media all about seeking attention? When is an actor not craving attention? And why ask a "medical expert" when a psychologist would be more appropriate?
The 'Enquirer' body-shaming squad is out in force again, sending conflicting messages to readers.
Jessica Simpson is "wasting away . . . down to 100 lbs & wearing kids' clothes"; Mariah Carey is "back in fighting shape" having "dropped 50 pounds"; celebrity "A-List Heavyweights" on diets have caused a shortage of diabetes medication Ozempic – as if there are enough A-List stars to cause a national shortage; and "skinny" Ariana Grande "is eating like a bird."
The late billionaire pedophile Jeffrey Epstein is getting into deeper trouble from beyond the grave: "Epstein Sold Child Brides!" screams the cover story.
Allegedly innocent "underage girls from poor Eastern European countries" were "imported to America & used as tragic sex slaves."
Bizarrely, the rag claims: "In several instances, the victims were required to marry other Epstein [associates] in order to maintain their immigration status and availability to Epstein."
The allegations were made in documents filed in Manhattan federal court, as the pursuit of Epstein's millions continues.
The 'Globe' also claims that Epstein's long-sought "blackmail videos discovered at last!" Sure they were. Let's try not to look surprised when they turn out to be CCTV footage of cars coming and going in the driveway.
"Mean Girls Crush Nepo Baby Malia!"
Perhaps calling Barack and Michelle Obama's daughter a "nepo baby" might be hurtful too?
"Money Is Root Of Royal Evil!" declares the philosophical rag, claiming that "Harry & Meghan are livid Charles cut off their cash."
Of course, it's the love of money that is the root of all evil, but let's not split hairs, especially since Charles and Harry are losing theirs. Yet another new book about the troubled British royals – we seem to get three a week – claims that Harry and Meghan were upset when Charles cut off their funding and told them to become self-supporting. How is this a surprise to anyone?
"Harry hit the roof and now it's the Windsors at war!" says an unnamed "high-level courtier." Fine, except Charles cut off Harry and Meghan back in 2020, so this isn't quite the shocking revelation it might have been, now that the California branch of the Firm has its reported $100 million Netflix production deal, a $20 million Spotify deal, and a $20 million book deal.
Let's not start a GoFundMe page for Harry and Meghan just yet.
Always sensitive to its readers' self-image, and careful not to offend anyone over their appearance, the 'Globe' reports that Tom Cruise has tired of dating thin actresses, in its carefully-worded report: "Cruise Turns Chubby Chaser."
Apparently the 'Top Gun' star "Craves curves after bad luck with Hollywood Skinny Minnies."
Those rail-thin waifs apparently include ex-wives Katie Holmes and Nicole Kidman, and former girlfriends Mimi Rogers and Hayley Atwell. Can we expect to see Cruise romancing Lizzo any time soon?
"Did She Murder Her Kids?" asks the cover story, as the magazine delves "inside the Lori Vallow trial."
Prosecutors say the devoutly religious doomsday cult Idaho mother killed her children Tyler, aged 16, and Joshua, aged 7. "Did she plot with husband Chad Daybell to kill his first wife?" asks the magazine.
It seems safe to assume that Lori Vallow Daybell is not living her best life in the typical 'People' magazine tradition.
"Archie's Birthday Plans."
With Prince Harry heading to England for King Charles' coronation on May 6, Meghan is staying at home in California to help Archie celebrate his 4th birthday.
Since she's skipping the regal pomp and circumstance you might think Meghan will splash out on bouncing castles, clowns, magicians and fireworks for little Archie – but apparently not.
"It's going to be a low-key party at home," says an unnamed source. And that's all the rag knows about Archie's birthday plans. Hardly worth writing about.
Senator John Letterman offers himself as a shining example for overcoming depression, saying: "You can get better. I got better."
Tell it to Prince Charles.
Rob Lowe and his son John Owen Lowe are this week's cover hunks, hailed by the rag as "A New Hollywood Dynasty." The duo talk to the magazine "about family, ambition and fame." (If you haven't already guessed: They have all three.) Their hilarious new 'Netflix' series 'Unstable' "is really the story of us," says Rob, perhaps forgetting that 'The Story of Us' was a 1999 rom-com starring Bruce Willis and Michelle Pfeiffer.
Among this week's low-lights: Kylie Jenner and Timothée Chalamet are "testing the waters" of a relationship, Kylie's kin Kim Kardashian is becoming an 'American Horror Story' "Scream Queen," 'Bridgerton' star Simone Ashley has "legs for days!" (good news for those who thought she might lose them after a few hours), and Megan Fox and Machine Gun Kelly are "back from the brink" of a break-up and "are giving it another shot," which only seems appropriate when dealing with a man named after a firearm.
Thankfully we have the crack investigative team at 'Us Weekly' to tell us that Sandra Bullock wore it best (and still looked like a poorly gift-wrapped belated Valentine's Day present), that 'Schitt's Creek' alum Annie Murphy "couldn't live without" her BIC EasyRinse razor (who can?), and that the stars are just like us: they have MRIs, unwind with knitting, and have their make-up applied while holding their 15-month-old babies. Just like us.
'Life & Style'
"Secrets of the Coronation" dominate this week's cover, promising the inside scoop on "the guests, the parties & Meghan's Big Snub!" (though to look at her you'd have no idea she has a big snub.)
In more royal news, Duchess Kate and Queen Camilla are "bickering nonstop," and Prince Harry on his trip to England for the coronation has a "plan to meet ex Cressida!" That's a Bonas.
Onwards and downwards . . .