"Fox News House of Cards Collapses!" screams this week's already outdated cover story.
The 'Enquirer' crows about "Fox News' catastrophic $787 million election lies settlement" that has "humiliated" its "top stars like Tucker Carlson," without mentioning the fact that Carlson was unceremoniously fired by Fox, presumably after the rag went to print.
"No-Show Meghan's Coronation Disaster! Why her marriage is in jeopardy."
Making little sense, the 'Enquirer' reports: "Prince Harry's scheming wife, Meghan, was masterfully manipulated into snubbing King Charles' coronation by an exasperated royal family."
If the royal family actively didn't want her at King Charles' coronation on May 6, then Meghan staying away isn't exactly "snubbing" them.
It makes even less sense when you recall that both Harry and Meghan were invited by Charles to the coronation.
The royal family allegedly then persuaded Harry to leave Meghan at home, as "part of a master plan to rid the royals of Meghan for good," according to an unnamed "high-level courtier."
So why is Harry and Meghan's marriage in jeopardy? Supposedly because King Charles and Harry's "secret talks . . . were geared to cause greater marital strife by forcing Harry to stand up to his domineering wife." You couldn't make this stuff up – and yet, someone does.
"The Wedding's Off! Cher, 77, gets case of cold feet."
Or perhaps the wedding to her 37-year-old boyfriend was only ever happening in the minds of the 'Enquirer' staff?
"Keanu's Secret Plan To Speed To Altar!"
Keanu Reeves has been romancing artist Alexandra Grant since 2011 – how is that speeding anywhere?
The weight-watching wardens at the 'Enquirer' are out in force again: Alec Baldwin is "peeling off the pounds" sparking "health fears"; Caitlin Jenner is "Livin' Large – Packs On 50 lbs!"; and TV's 'Mike & Molly' star Billy Gardell has gone "from chunk to hunk" after "dropping an astounding 150 pounds of flab".
Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas is "Above The Law!" for allegedly "hiding cash & shady deals," which have "shockingly betrayed the public trust." As if anyone trusted Justice Thomas in the first place.
"Texas Terror Attack Kills 18,000 Cows!"
The explosion that devastated the South Fork Dairy Farm in Dimmitt, Texas, was allegedly the work of "diabolical dictator Vladimir Putin," who ordered "sleeper cells" to ignite the blaze, "according to experts," claims the 'Enquirer.'
Those experts evidently do not include the Texas State Fire Marshall's Office, which concluded that the explosion was accidental, and made that determination five days before the 'Enquirer' published – well before its publication deadline. The likely cause of the tragedy was an explosion in the facility's 'honey vac' which sucks out manure – a machine that the 'Enquirer' editorial offices might benefit from.
"Jack Nicholson Dementia Nightmare! Secret Final Days as tragic shut-in revealed!" declares the cover.
The evidence that the 86-year-old actor has dementia is hardly compelling: he is overweight and smokes.
This prompts a doctor who has never treated Nicholson to opine: "Significant abdominal obesity causes a fatty liver that causes insulin resistance, which causes high rises in blood sugar – and that is a major risk factor for dementia."
They may as well say that being alive is a fatal disease, with a 100 per cent mortality rate.
Nicholson is supposedly a recluse, but then the 'Enquirer' claims he also has "a variety of bed partners" – so he's not exactly a hermit – which prompts the good doctor to add: "Having several girlfriends increases risk for infection." Right. And grasping at straws probably risks dislocating a shoulder.
Just because the paparazzi haven't caught Nicholson stepping out of his Los Angeles home doesn't mean he's locked in there. And the new paparazzi photos that the 'Enquirer' obtained this week showing the Oscar winner looking disheveled in a t-shirt as if he has just rolled out of bed (which he possibly had) are not designed to show him in his best light, especially when taken with a long lens as he steps out onto the private balcony of his secluded home where he has no expectation of being photographed.
"Queen Camilla & Kate Coronation Catfight! King's wife invites William's other woman!"
That pretty much sums it up: the Marchioness of Cholmondley, rumoured to have had an affair with Prince William, is believed to be among invitees to the coronation.
Whether it was "cruel Camilla" who "went for the jugular in her power struggle with Kate" and issued the invitation, however, remains unknown. The Marchioness's son has also been chosen as one of Charles' page boys for the coronation. All of which suggests that the royal family don't believe the rumours of William's affair, and remain close friends with the Marchioness. Or, as the 'Globe' puts it: "Camilla Rubs Kate's Nose In the Dirt!" Po-tato, po-tah-to.
"Wedding Belle Blues!" are allegedly ringing for Renée Zelwegger and boyfriend, TV host Ant Anstead, with "Renée Saying Zwell No To Marriage!"
They have literally only just moved in together after two years of dating – who would expect them to get married immediately?
Personal insults appear to be the name of the 'Globe' game this week: 'Real Housewives of New Jersey' star Teresa Giudice's "new breasts go wonky," actress Catherine O'Hara has a "flabby chin," and actor Simon Baker has "gone from hunk to chunk." Kindness and compassion personified, as ever.
It's the "Beautiful Issue 2023," and Melissa McCarthy is this year's cover girl, because as 'People' mag editor Wendy Naugle writes in her editorial, beauty is "about what's inside."
Sadly there are no X-Rays, ultrasound images or CAT scan photos to show us what's inside Melissa McCarthy, so we make do with photos of her swathed in acres of organza, yards of chiffon, and puffy sleeves each big enough to hold a dozen ferrets for several hours.
Among this year's other Beautiful People are Rihanna, Michelle Yeoh, Florence Pugh, Naomi Watts, Angela Bassett, Jenna Ortega, Ali Wong, Aubrey Plaza, Jennifer Aniston, Jamie Lee Curtis, Margot Robbie, and another 104 more women, including 80-year-old Linda Evans., because 'People' wants to celebrate "Beauty at Every Age." If you're a woman in Hollywood and you didn't make this list, chances are you're already dead.
Proving that people can find beauty in others at any age, the rag displays photos of 93-year-old former astronaut Buzz Aldrin's wedding to Dr Anca Faur, aged 63, in January. Perhaps it took them three months to retouch the photos before they could be released?
Taylor Swift is this week's cover girl, declaring: "I Still Believe In Love."
But of course she never said that, and as the story makes clear, never spoke with the magazine, which uses unnamed sources to tell readers: "Taylor will never give up on love." Right.
The coming "Royal Reunion" between Princes William and Harry is "healing old wounds," claims the magazine, which seems to be alone in thinking that the brothers will even meet, let alone speak, at their father's coronation. By all accounts Harry's blink-and-you-miss-it flying visit to England won't give him any time to meet with family members in private, let alone reconcile.
Thankfully we have the crack investigative team at 'Us Weekly' to tell us that Amber Valletta wore it best, that actress Skye Townsend makes "the best grilled shrimp on Earth" and her favorite meals to cook are "shrimp tacos and vodka sauce penne," and that the stars are just like us: they ride trains, ride rollercoasters, take hikes, plant flowers and take bubble baths – because Taylor Lautner has a photographer with him in the bathroom. Just like us.
'Life & Style'
Summer is approaching like a roaring freight train, which is why 'Life & Style' devotes its cover to "Easy Diet & Fitness Tips!" Readers can follow Gwen Stefani's tip to exercise "for toned arms," and Jennifer Lawrence's advice on "how to lose baby weight – fast!" while Julianne Hough reveals that "health is all about balance." It's easy, like walking a tightrope: all you need is balance.
"What Happened To Jamie Foxx?" screams the front page headline, which invariably means it doesn't actually know the answer.
Celebrity-watchers already know that the actor had a "medical emergency" that put him in hospital a couple of weeks ago, and that he remained hospitalised while doctors ran tests. Friends claim he is "doing better" and is "okay" but at the time of publication he had not yet returned to filming of his movie 'Back In Action' with Cameron Diaz, and it is still unclear what led to his collapse.
'In Touch' also covers King Charles' coming coronation, promising to reveal "Everything You Need To Know!" But since you don't need to know anything about the coronation, that's setting a very low bar.
Onwards and downwards . . .