'National Enquirer'
Alien space craft are buzzing Las Vegas, the assassination of John F Kennedy has been "solved" – the 'Enquirer' has "Proof LBJ Killed Kennedy!" – and Vladimir Putin is playing the "assassination blame game" accusing America of an attack on the Kremlin that US military experts say was actually the work of "war-weary Russian rebels."
With so much hard news breaking, the 'Enquirer' naturally devotes its front page to the story that holds the future of its readers' lives in the balance: "Kevin Costner In Crisis!"
The 'Dances With Wolves' star is being divorced by his wife of 18 years, Christine Baumgartner, while his hit series 'Yellowstone' has taken a hiatus, halting production amid filming its fifth season, due to conflict between Costner and the show's creator Taylor Sheridan. The duo are reportedly clashing on everything from filming schedules to salary, and the production's cast and crew are supposedly frustrated by the delay, now dragged out indefinitely by the writer's strike.
At its heart this is an industrial labor relations dispute, coming at the inopportune time of Costner's marriage hitting the rocks. Or, as the 'Enquirer' calls it: "Costner Implodes!" Right.
Those bright lights reportedly seen over Las Vegas recently were not helicopters, the 'Enquirer' insists, but rather "Area 51 Experiments" that flew to "Buzz Sin City!" The US military denied any involvement in the "UFO" lights, but 'Enquirer' reporters aren't fooled that easily: they know that "government officials were lying to cover up the military's continued testing of advanced technology reverse-engineered from extraterrestrial crash sites by scientists at the mysterious Area 51."
That's right: the 'Enquirer' recognises that American-built alien spaceships are so secret that the scientists behind them would fly them above the Vegas Strip in full view of thousands of people. It makes perfect sense when it's put like that.
JFK's vice president Lyndon B Johnson has been accused before of masterminding the president's assassination (as have the Mafia, Fidel Castro, the CIA, etc.) but this time the 'Enquirer' has "proof."
This incontrovertible evidence reportedly comes from an 88-year-old former White House Secret Service agent, Abraham Bolden, who claims that 30 months before Kennedy was killed, Bolden witnessed LBJ have a screaming row with the president.
Johnson was red-faced and "angry beyond imagination," leading Bolden to conclude: "I recognised the life of President Kennedy was in danger!"
And two and a half years later, JFK was dead.
Who could ask for more proof than that? QED. Where was agent Bolden when Mike Pence needed him to evade the threat of assassination by Donald Trump's insurrectionists on January 6, 2021?
Addressing the more pressing issues of today, the 'Enquirer' takes a look at songbird Mariah Carey and concludes: "Mariah's Saggy Boobs Bringing Her Down!"
It doesn't help its argument when the rag publishes a photograph of Carey, aged 54, with her décolletage looking pretty much the same as it did in photographs 22 years ago. Does the 'Enquirer' have a room full of middle-aged men ogling photographs of celebrities, comparing their breast sizes from 2001 and today? Or do they genuinely have a friend of Carey's call them up offering the immortal quote: "Mariah has been obsessing about her boobs." Enquiring minds want to know.
Jamie Foxx "is on the ropes!" according to the rag, concerned that the actor's "mysterious stay in an Atlanta hospital stretched into its fourth week."
In fact, Foxx's daughter recently revealed that he left hospital several weeks ago – he just failed to inform the 'Enquirer,' which was clearly a mistake he will learn from. In future Foxx is certain to call the 'Enquirer' before stepping out of the house. Can't be too safe.
"Charles & Camilla Fight Over Harry!"
Unfortunately it's not a claws-out cat-fight the rag is referring to, but allegedly a dispute over whether royal renegade Prince Harry should have been invited to King Charles' recent coronation ceremony. Queen Camilla reportedly branded the new monarch "a wimp" for inviting Harry and calls the new king "spineless."
You could be forgiven for imagining that Charles and Camilla never say a word to one another when alone in private, but insist on calling in "high-placed courtiers" to listen to every argument, so that the tabloids stay informed. There's no other explanation.
'Globe'
It's a tough call: Who are you going to believe – Melania Trump, or the 'Globe'?
The former First Lady last week told Fox News that she fully supports her husband's bid to return to the White House in 2024, just as the 'Globe' dedicates its front page to a "Trump Trial Separation" as a "prelude to $3.7 billion divorce!"
The rag claims that a "humiliated Melania" is "moving out", apparently inspired by the fact that she had not been seen at her husband's side on the campaign trail since he announced his candidacy in November, combined with her absence from the New York civil trial that saw the former president branded a sex offender.
Melania is allegedly moving to Europe with son Barron, claims the 'Globe': an unconfirmed report based on a claim by an unnamed source reported in 'People' magazine in April. This same source told 'People' that "the Trumps are a close family," but the 'Globe' prefers to interpret the same information as indicating a marital split.
"Man-Eater Angie Hungering For Married Craig!"
Angelina Jolie reportedly "has a secret crush" on James Bond star Daniel Craig, who happens to be married to actress Rachel Weisz. Stretching credulity even for the 'Globe,' the story claims that since Jolie and Craig starred together in 'Lara Croft: Tomb Raider' 22 years ago, she has been "secretly drooling over Craig." There's no suggestion that they have met, spoken, shared a phone call or even exchanged a Christmas card since then. Show-business reporting at its best.
Earlier this month the 'Globe' accused Oscar winner Jack Nicholson of suffering dementia and facing health crises, simply because a paparazzi snatched a photo of him on his home balcony looking dishevelled, as if he had just rolled out of bed – which he possibly had.
Nicholson responded days later by attending a Lakers basketball game, sitting court-side where it was evident that he had not lost his faculties, and cleaned up quite nicely, thank you, prompting this week's 'Globe' offering: "Jack Cleans Up His Act!"
Acting as if it had never suggested a dying Nicholson had dementia, the rag reports that he "came out of hiding" because he "wanted people to know he's not dead yet!"
Nicholson may not be deceased, but the credibility of the 'Globe' may well be.
No sooner did Charles III have the crown placed on his head, than the 'Globe' reports: "King's Paranoia Strikes Deep!"
The king is allegedly convinced that a "conspiracy is trying to undermine his reign." He "fears he's being bugged" and orders an "hourly" sweep for listening devices in "all the royal residences." The sheer scale of such a security screening is implausible: it would take hours to search every palace for bugs, making an "hourly" sweep into a 24-7 round-the-clock investigation employing dozens of security specialists.
The 'Globe' doesn't explain why Charles has to worry about planted bugs, when every week the rag claims to have verbatim knowledge of royal conversations from inside palace walls courtesy of "high-placed palace courtiers."
"Why Cattle Mutilations Should Scare You!"
This is a story that should scare any cow that happens to be reading the 'Globe,' but the rest of us probably won't lose too much sleep over what the rag calls "a malevolent intelligence behind the slaughter". The 'Globe,'on what it risibly calls its "no-nonsense opinion page," floats the possibility that the deaths are part of "ritual sacrifices by satanic cults," or "a UFO situation." So they understand that "no-nonsense" should mean the absence of nonsense?
'People'
King Charles is this week's cover hunk, seated on his gilded throne, weighed down by a crown, orb and sceptre, dressed like a royal refugee from 'The Princess Diaries.' The magazine gives us ten pages of rich people playing dress-up, at British taxpayers' expense.
"I come here to serve, not to be served," said King Charles at his coronation. More than 300 staff at Buckingham Palace, ranging from chefs, gardeners, cleaners and footmen to equerries, butlers, valets and secretaries, might all ask who they are serving, if not Charles.
"From CIA Officer To Pajama Mogul!"
'People' tells the Ruger-to-riches tale of former counterterrorist operative Emily Hikade, who went from undercover work to work that takes her under the bed-covers.
'Us Weekly'
Gisele Bündchen, six months after ending her marriage to NFL star Tom Brady, is enjoying "A Whole New World" as this week's cover girl.
No, she's not joined Elon Musk's pioneering human colony on Mars, and no, she's not taking over the role of Princess Jasmine in Disney's 'Aladdin' on Broadway.
The whole new world she's allegedly enjoying is the same old planet she's always been on, except she is now embracing celebrity magazine clichés, "living her best life," and "paving the way for a beautiful future."
Unlike the rest of us presumably, who are but a walking shadow, a poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage and then is heard no more.
But that probably wouldn't fit neatly in a headline.
It should go without saying that Bündchen never spoke with 'Us Weekly,' whose story emanates from several unnamed "insiders." Right.
Thankfully we have the crack investigative team at 'Us Weekly' to tell us that Alesha Dixon wore it best, that pastry chef Duff Goldman "can make 12 Big Macs in less than a minute," and that the stars are just like us, they go to ball games, rent bicycles, and their SUVs get flat tires. Inspiring, as always.
'In Touch'
Duchess Meghan apparently had a very good reason for failing to attend King Charles' recent coronation: as the rag explains: "Pregnant Meghan – Baby No. 3! Due in November!"
It's a reasonable explanation for Meghan's absence from the coronation (in addition to the fact that she is possibly the least-favorite member within the royal family at the moment) but let's see how accurate this story looks in six months' time.
'Life & Style'
"Divas, Drugs & Hookups! Met Gala Staffers Tell All."
Worker bees serving drinks and holding doors open for the glitterati at this month's Met Gala reveal: "We were told not to look them in the eye."
Shock, horror.
"What power couple requested their own private bar?" asks the rag, stretching readers' ability to care. "Which A-lister couldn't get into the afterparty?" If you can't live another day without knowing, pay your $6.99 to find out.
Onwards and downwards . . .
