'National Enquirer'
The long dark midnight of the American soul that is the marriage of Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck continues to torment the tabloids, as the couple dare to exchange heated words in public.
"J. Lo & Ben Marriage In Ruins!" screams the 'Enquirer' front page. "Can't Stop Fighting In Public!"
They evidently had a minor argument while paparazzi looked on. What marriage could possibly survive such an outrageous betrayal?
Not only were they seen having a heated discussion on the red carpet at the Los Angeles premiere to J. Lo's latest movie 'The Mother,' but earlier that day Affleck was seen "slamming the passenger door after J. Lo got into their car." Such cruelty! What kind of beast opens a car door for his wife, and then closes it – "swinging his arms as he walked around to the driver's side"? Oh, the inhumanity.
What fresh horrors lurk behind palace doors for the British Royal Family this week?
"Kate Sticks It To Camilla!" reports the 'Enquirer.' Apparently at King Charles' coronation the Princess of Wales "refuses to curtsey to new queen in public snub after being disrespected."
It's worth noting that when Charles left the coronation everyone bowed, and as Camilla followed behind him almost nobody bowed, so Kate wasn't alone in this alleged snub.
Kate was reportedly upset at Camilla restricting the coronation guest list. It seems like the 'Enquirer' won't be satisfied until the Queen and Princess are wrestling knee-deep in mud and tearing each other's tiaras out of their hair.
The 'Enquirer' body-shaming squad is out in full force again this week.
"The Fat & The Furious!" targets actor Vin Diesel, claiming: "Doughboy Diesel Using Shapewear To Hide His Flab!"
Meanwhile, photos of Leonardo DiCaprio with a noticeable belly overhanging his swimsuit prompt the 'Enquirer' to report on "Leo's Titanic Appetite." Allegedly the "ballooning bachelor is hungry like the wolf – and still hunting hotties!"
Tasteful, as ever.
Cancer fears are also the rag's stock-in-trade. Every time Melanie Griffith gets a new skin blemish, the 'Enquirer' goes ballistic: "Cancer Fears For Melanie Go Skin Deep!"
Right.
"Lisa Marie's Ex Gets The Shaft!" Musician Michael Lockwood, long divorced from Elvis Presley's late daughter, has reportedly been "locked out" from Lisa Marie's "$75M fortune." They were divorced when she died – why would anyone expect him to get any part of the Presley estate?
Getting their weekly dig in at Britney Spears, the 'Enquirer' claims: "Moneybags Britney Is Bleeding Bucks!"
The magazine seems upset that, having earned a fortune, Spears has the audacity to be spending it on "jets, vacays & gadgets." Shocking.
'Globe'
"Kelly Clarkson" is this week's unfortunate cover target, branded: "TV's New Queen of Mean!"
She allegedly left "bullied staffers in tears!" and is "worse than Ellen" DeGeneris.
But it's her TV talk show producers who have been accused of creating a toxic work environment; Clarkson may only be guilty of not paying close attention to those around her.
"Why Andrew & Fergie Are Shacking Up!"
It's a song as old as time: A polo trainer's daughter met her Prince, married, realised he was a loser and divorced him ten years later, in 1996. They've been living together off and on ever since, initially for the sake of their daughters, Beatrice and Eugenie, and more recently to be close to their grandchildren. Fergie has long said: "We are the most contented divorced couple in the world."
But 27 years late, along comes the 'Globe' to ask why Fergie is the only one in polite society not to have dumped "disgraced sex creep Prince Andrew."
The answer, considering the source, is naturally reductive: "Fergie openly adores her ex."
It's the sort of revelatory breaking news we've come to expect from the 'Globe.'
"Shakira Gives Creepy Cruise The Brush-Off."
The singer met actor Tom Cruise during the Miami Grand Prix, and though they never had any reason to ever meet again, the tabloids declared that romance was blooming. Now that they haven't been seen together again – such a surprise! – the 'Globe' declares that Shakira has delivered a "smack in the face" to Cruise, "telling pals he's way too intense and creepy!" Right.
"George & Amal Working On Happy Marriage."
After years of reports predicting their imminent divorce, the 'Globe' has decided that George Clooney and wife Amal are not parting ways after all. This looks suspiciously like a cloaked apology for past divorce stories.
'People'
"The Mary Tyler Moore No One Knew" is this week's cover story.
To be precise, it should have read: "The Mary Tyler Moore Only One Man Knew," since six years after the star's death it's her husband sharing "new details of her private struggles." This is a reference to her failed marriages, alcoholism and health problems including diabetes.
Trying to appeal to a slightly different demographic, 'People' mag also has an alternate cover on newsstands featuring Julia Louis-Dreyfus, who "opens up about her 36-year marriage, the staying power of 'Seinfeld,' life after cancer, and why women over 60 should feel anything but invisible." She's reportedly "having the time of her life" and says: "I'm in my happy place."
'Us Weekly'
This week's cover story features "The Knockouts. Brie & Nikki Garcia talk to Us about staying fit and feeling strong ahead of turning 40."
Who are these people? And why are they on the cover of the mag's "Body Issue"?
Apparently they're the duo formerly known as the Bella twins, who in March announced they are now going by their birth name, Garcia. I must have missed the memo, but I still don't care.
The "Body Issue" seems like an excuse to display numerous photos of women in swimsuits, skimpy workout gear, and various states of undress. The stars – almost all women – are each given a sentence or two to reveal how they hike, run, stretch, have good genes, or, in the case of Lena Dunham, explain how gaining weight "can be the result of positive change in habits".
Thankfully we have the crack investigative squad at 'Us Weekly' to tell us that Princess Kate wore it best, that culinary star Sunny Anderson's "favourite meal to cook is a good huevos rancheros," and that the stars are just like us: they eat pizza and doughnuts (not necessarily at the same time), take selfies and give their kids piggyback rides.
'Life & Style'
The British Royal Family's troubles have reached crisis point, and at the heart of it is a nine-year-old Prince, claims the rag, with its front page headline: "Kate vs Charles – War Over George."
Apparently there is some dispute behind palace doors over where Prince George should be sent to boarding school. First world problems, indeed.
"It's too much pressure for a 9-year-old!" declares the compassionate and caring magazine, claiming: "Kate begs Camilla to intervene." Which seems strange, since the rest of the tabloids seem to think the two women are barely on speaking terms.
'In Touch'
Michael J. Fox is this week's cover hunk, saying – in words seemingly lifted from his recent documentary: "Every Day gets Tougher." As the rag sensitively examines Fox's continuing engagement with Parkinson's disease, it also slips a slimy toe into the sleaze, offering: "Michael's wildest Hollywood moments."
Onwards and downwards . . .
