Biden health crisis and Britain's clown prince in this week's dubious tabloids

'National Enquirer'

"Who'll Die Next?" asks the 'Enquirer,' bringing readers a "Celebrity Death Pool" that doesn't even attempt the pretence of investigating stars' health, under the banner: "Disease! Drugs! Old age!"

Putting 97-year-old Dick Van Dyke at the top of that list is hardly a stretch. Celebs with history of health problems, including Gene Hackman, 93, Cher and Liza Minnelli, both aged 77, and 99-year-old former 'The Price Is Right' host Bob Barker are easy targets.

For fun the rag throws in Jamie Foxx, 55, and 29-year-old Justin Bieber. Let's watch the obituary pages, shall we?

"The Clown Prince!"

No prizes for guessing the royal target.

"Diva Meghan accused of DESTROYING Harry!" claims the rag. It's all because Harry and Meghan complained of being perilously pursued by paparazzi through the streets of New York in May, and were embarrassed when the facts apparently contradicted them.

This was an obvious opportunity for the 'Enquirer' to prove that tabloids still have a journalistic role to play, persuading the paparazzi to exclusively tell their side of the story, but instead the 'Enquirer' only regurgitates old NY Post reports. Disappointing.

"Prince Harry has become a laughing stock on both sides of the Atlantic," reports the 'Enquirer.' Unnamed "palace insiders" are calling the incident's aftermath "the Duke and Duchess of Sussex's utter destruction!"

Strange – these "palace insiders" sound more like tabloid headline writers every day.

"Fix Is In For Idol!"

Just because a lot of viewers wanted a runner-up to win 'American Idol' doesn't mean that Hawaiian-born singer Iam Tongi's win was crooked. Until respected election-watcher Donald Trump tells us definitively that the vote was rigged, let's give the winner the benefit of the doubt.

"Jennifer's $600 Million Divorce Deal!"

Just because they were seen having a couple of disagreements in public, the 'Enquirer' has decided that Ben Affleck and J. Lo's marriage is almost over – but not quite yet. As they "teeter on the brink of a blockbuster $600 million divorce," Lopez "is scrambling to protect her hefty bottom line with an iron-clad postnuptial agreement." Sure she is.

The 'Enquirer' weight police are out in force again, this week attacking George Clooney for "getting too thin." The rag claims: "His friends worry he's not taking proper care of himself." Clooney has been in the vanguard of the fight against media intrusion into celebrities' privacy, so all his friends undoubtedly talk candidly with the 'Enquirer' on a regular basis.

"The Kardashian Curse!"

If you haven't heard of it, evidently it's much like a modern version of the Curse of Tutankhamun, calling the Kardashian clan: "the surreality machine that chews up perfectly good men and spits them out."

This is assuming that Kardashian casualties such as Kanye West, Caitlyn Jenner, Tristan Thompson and Lamar Odom were "perfectly good men" to begin with. This curse warning is given to actor Timothée Chalamet, believed to be dating Kardashian spin-off Kylie Jenner. Allegedly "pals are telling him to run, don't walk away".


"Joe Biden Health Crisis Revealed!" screams the cover.

They've previously claimed the president is suffering from dementia. Now the 'Globe' reveals the "shocking reasons Prez keeps falling!"

To be fair, four of those tripping incidents occurred on the stairway leading up to Air Force One, which has had a history of slipping up past presidents – Gerald Ford made a career of it – but the 'Globe' views Biden's slips as "a frightening health crisis."

Intriguingly, the only other time the 'Globe' can find that Biden fell was when riding his bicycle in June 2022. Perhaps the 'Globe' is unaware that even the world's best Tour de France riders frequently fall from their bikes, as road hazards, pot-holes and slippery surfaces are a natural part of the risks inherent in cycling.

The rag claims Biden suffers "a devastating nerve condition" that has "crippled control of his feet, causing him to embarrassingly trip".

This supposedly catastrophic condition is actually "mild" neuropathy that was diagnosed in his feet during Biden's annual White House physical, that was made public in February. It means he has trouble feeling heat and cold in his feet, but which the 'Globe' prefers to call: "Biden's Long, Strange Trip."

"Michelle Has Barack Under Her Thumb!"

One week the rag claims that the Obamas are living separate lives; the next it's reporting that the "ex-president is totally whipped." An unnamed insider, sounding a lot like.a GOP pundit on Fox News, says: "Michelle comes across as power hungry – but Barack looks like a doormat!"

"FBI Helped Brits hide Skeletons In Royal Closet!"

The FBI's file on King Charles' friend and mentor, the late Queen's cousin Lord Louis Mountbatten, included allegations that the former Royal Navy chief was a "homosexual with a perversion for young boys."

The claim was made in documents revealed through a Freedom of Information Act request by historian Andrew Lownie.

Yet those documents were revealed not this week, but back in August 2019, when they were widely reported.

But when Lownie recently requested additional records, he was reportedly told that US officials had shredded the documents. Lownie claims the papers were "clearly" destroyed at the "request of the British government." Hmm.

Lifestyle guru Martha Stewart, after becoming at age 81 the oldest model to grace the cover of the Sports Illustrated' swimsuit edition, has apparently been conducting scientific experiments, as the 'Globe' reports: "Martha Proves Sex Is Still A Good Thing."

Was that ever in doubt?

Yet more evidence of the truth of Betteridge's Law that any headline that ends with a question mark can be answered by the word "No," comes with this 'Globe' story: "Are These Photos Proof of UFO Moon Base?"

Two white objects were spotted seemingly floating above the surface of the moon in a video posted by Larry Loo on TikTok, which is clearly peer reviewed by the greatest scientific minds of the age. Loo, who quickly deleted the reference to him being a "computer graphics artist,"has supposedly led many to suspect an alien space station on the lunar surface.

The 'Globe' goes further, reporting: "Experts fear alien invasion."

Experts in what, one wonders? Paranoia?

"From A-List To Blacklist! How 25 top stars fell from grace."

Whether it's voicing controversial opinions, misbehaving or making powerful enemies, the 'Globe' claims that many stars have seen their careers suffer, including Kirk Cameron, Randy Quaid, Wesley Snipes, Roseanne Barr, Charlie Sheen, Michael Richards and Vince Vaughn. The list includes McCarthy-blacklisted screenwriter Dalton Trumbo and accused Communist sympathiser Charlie Chaplin – and when was the last time either of them were employed in Hollywood?


The Late Tina Turner dominates this week's cover, naturally dubbed "Simply the Best."

"People think my life has been tough, but I think it's been a wonderful journey," she once said.

"Barack Obama On Life As A Working Man."

The former president, without mentioning how he might suffer under his wife's thumb, talks about work in America in his new 'Netflix' series, and the importance of "paying your dues."

"Forgiveness Can Set You Free," says Darryl Green, who befriended his brother's killer, in the sort of redemption story that 'People' relishes.

'Us Weekly'

Jordana Brewster is this week's cover girl, and the 'Fast & Furious' star evidently promises: "No Slowing Down."

Remarkably, it looks as if Brewster actually spoke with the rag, which asks such penetrating questions as: "It sounds like you're really loving life these days," "Do you think aging is getting less of a bad rap?" and "Do you have any good behind-the-scenes stories?"

Award-winning journalism at its best.

Thankfully we have the crack investigative squad at 'Us Weekly' to tell us that Nicole Kidman wore it best, that Olympic gymnast Shawn Johnson East loves "pancakes with butter and syrup" as well as "waffles, a good scramble and bacon, or sweet potato biscuit egg sandwiches," and that the stars are just like us: they get Tarot card readings and use massagers. We can all rest easy knowing this.

'Life & Style'

"Couples In Crisis!" Declares the front page, with the rag's experts predicting "Who will make it – and who won't!"

Among this week's contestants: Ben Affleck and J. Lo; Gwen Stefani and Blake Shelton; and Britney Spears and Sam Asghari.

'In Touch'

Taylor Swift is enjoying an "Engagement Surprise!" which might be a surprise to Taylor most of all.

She has only been dating British singer-songwriter Matty Healy for two months, but the rag claims: "This love will last forever."

Swift only recently split from boyfriend of six years Joe Alwyn, so it's only natural that she'd want to get married eight weeks into a rebound romance.

When has 'In Touch' ever been wrong?

The lovebirds are reportedly buying a "new mansion together in L.A." Sure they are.

Onwards and downwards . . .