'National Enquirer'
The late billionaire pedophile Jeffrey Epstein continues to fascinate the 'Enquirer,' dominating this week's cover with the headline: "Epstein's Hollywood Playmates Exposed!"
The "murdered pedophile's damning diaries" reveal "who visited his sex dungeons!" the rag claims, taking for granted the still-unproven claim that Epstein was assassinated.
Cover photos include Woody Allen, music mogul Tommy Mottola, TV legend Dick Cavett, model Irina Shayk, magician David Blaine, and comic David Brenner.
But the devil is in the details.
Epstein's diaries reveal no such thing. The celebrities were all named in a series of Epstein's emails that were recently made public, revealing plans for business meetings and lunches with the stars.
But there's no guarantee that any of these stars actually met with Epstein. Movie star Chris Rock is named as a "maybe" to attend a dinner, but sources claim he never turned up. British airline tycoon Richard Branson was also listed as a "maybe" for an Epstein dinner with Microsoft's Bill Gates.
Certainly, every celebrity should have known better than to even consider meeting with a man previously jailed for luring an under-age girl into prostitution, but there is no suggestion of wrong-doing in any of the emails naming the stars.
As for who visited his sex dungeons – and there is no evidence he had one, let along multiple sex dungeons – the 'Enquirer' doesn't say, leaving readers short-changed.
"Giant UFO Monitors U.S. Military Base!"
A triangle of five lights hovered over Camp Wilson military base in California in April 2021, looking just like helicopters in formation. Then the bright lights moved off in different directions, just like helicopters might..
Now footage of the event has emerged with "UFO experts" insisting: "This was definitely some type of UFO."
And technically they are right, because everything in the sky that can't be immediately identified is by definition a UFO – but not necessarily of alien origin, as the 'Enquirer' suggests.
Or maybe the lights emanated from helicopters piloted by aliens? There's no evidence to suggest otherwise.
"The Oddfathers! De Niro & Pacino rivalry extends to new baby battle."
Robert De Niro, aged 79, and Al Pacino, aged 83, both recently announced that their young lovers are having their babies. But it's hardly a "baby battle" between seniors competing to conceive. Pacino's lover was already quietly pregnant when De Niro announced that he was to become a father again. The story is an empty soufflé, all hot air and no substance, though the 'Enquirer' laughably quotes an unnamed source saying: "For Al, it's like beating Bob to an Oscar!" Right.
"Gisele Sexes It Up!"
Supermodel Gisele Bündchen, separated from gridiron husband Tom Brady, has "gone wild" on the dating scene, claims the rag. All she's done is go paddle boarding with a male friend, and the 'Enquirer' acts as though it had never seen a woman in a bikini before.
It labels this a "Photo Exclusive" – just like the photos of Bündchen on her paddleboat that appear in the 'Globe.'
"Ancient Alec Gets New Hip!"
Alec Baldwin is 65 years old – is that truly "ancient"?
The fat-shaming police take no prisoners this week, reporting on basketball legend Charles Barkley: "Fat-Ass Barkley Loses 60 lbs To Stay Alive!"
Meanwhile the 'Enquirer,' with its trademark shamelessness, reports that singer Lizzo "is done with being body-shamed" and threatens to quit music "unless haters stop hating!"
The compassionate headline? "Lizzo's Fat In The Fire – Ready To Quit!"
Equally tasteful is the 'Enquirer' story on "Miracle In The Making!" about Catholic nun Sister Wilhemina Lancaster, whose body was exhumed from the grave after four years and found "with little signs of decay."
The rag reproduces graphic photos of the dead nun, lovingly displayed with close-ups of her desiccated hands, shrunken torso and a "wax mask over the face", apparently drawing pilgrims wanting to "see & touch the body." At least the 'Enquirer' isn't complaining that she's dangerously thin.
"Royals Rooting For Harry Split!"
Unnamed palace insiders allegedly claim that King Charles, Queen Camilla, Prince William and Princess Kate all want Harry to dump wife Meghan and return alone to Britain. One "palace spy" is apparently able to speak on behalf of all four senior royals. That's quite some spy.
'Globe'
"Meghan Bimbogate Explodes!" Screams the front page. "Her secret past exposed!"
But there's no Bimbogate, and no secret past that hasn't already been reported on endlessly.
Promising to reveal the "Truth About Meghan's Bimbo Past!" the 'Globe' hoists Meghan by her own petard, after she said of her days providing glamour as a 'briefcase model' for TV series 'Deal or No Deal' that the show treated her like a "bimbo."
The show's boss Lucas Green denies Meghan was "objectified" – and that's the full extent of "Bimbogate."
This fictional scandal gives the 'Globe' an excuse to exhume old stories about Meghan's past, which have not aged as well as Sister Wilhemina Lancaster. The magazine reports that guests at her first wedding in Jamaica were gifted with marijuana (In Jamaica? What a shock!), that she has been accused of dumping past boyfriends to upgrade to more influential men, and that she allegedly "got a fake ID to go drinking" while a student at Northwestern University.
Nothing to see here. Move along.
"Kate Hudson In No Rush To Marry Danny."
That would be her fiancé, rocker Danny Fujikawa, father of her youngest child. Such exciting non-news. Can we expect the 'Globe' to report on every couple who aren't getting married yet?
"Deep State Destroys JFK Murder Film!"
Not quite. The deep state doesn't appear to have destroyed the video recorded by Dallas maintenance man Orville Nix in Dealey Plaze on November 22, 1963, but federal authorities do appear to have seriously misplaced the footage, and Nix's heirs are suing for $29.7 million, plus the release of the film.
The video has been extensively analysed over the past 60 years, and despite the 'Globe' insisting it offers "proof Grassy Knoll gunmen killed" the president, numerous experts have found nothing to suggest a gunman was caught on film. The 'Globe,' of course, claims that "Nix's home movie shows what experts claim are two gunmen."
Modern video enhancement techniques could bring out details in the film previously unseen, however, so the film's importance should not be underestimated.
"Bill Gates Beauty Caught Hanging With Russian Spy!"
Microsoft's Gates has been romantically linked to Russian bridge player Mila Antonova, who in turn has been spotted posing in an old photograph with Anna Chapman, who was deported to Russia in 2010 after confessing to being a foreign agent.
There's no suggestion that Gates was ever linked with spy Chapman, but that doesn't stop the 'Globe' reporting that "Gates is tangled in an explosive spy scandal."
'People'
Oscar nominated actor Elliot Page is this week's cover subject, revealing: "How I Found Hope – and Joy."
Promoting his new memoir 'Pageboy,' the 'Juno' and 'Umbrella Academy'; star says of life as a trans man: "I'm just me, and that feels good."
It's one of those weeks when 'People' hedges its bets by putting multiple covers on newsstands. The alternate cover features teen Maya Kowalski under the headline: "They Said My Mom Tried To Hurt Me. They Were Wrong."
Kowalski, whose mother committed suicide after being accused of Münchausen syndrome by proxy and seeing her daughter taken away by authorities, talks about her lost childhood and lost mother. Would 'People' have devoted six pages to this if Kowalski wasn't now a beautiful 17-year-old blonde?
"We Have To Be Kinder To Our Bodies" says Jennifer Aniston, not coincidentally launching a new fitness product the P.ball, and the Pvolve exercise program. Sounds like Pmarketing Phype to me.
'Us Weekly'
RuPaul dominates this week's cover, saying: "I Always Saw Myself as a Star."
Calling him "the mother of all drag queens," the 62-year-old tells the rag: "I've always been confident . I had no other choice."
Thankfully we have the crack investigative team at 'Us Weekly' to tell us that Hailey Bieber wore it best (but only barely, in a 51-49 split); that YouTube star Gigi Gorgeous uses the sparkling heart emoji the most, and that the stars are just like us: they journal, play with their kids, and "go to fruit stands." Orange you glad to know that?
Perhaps trying to be a kinder, gentler celebrity rag, 'Us Weekly' recently dumped its long-running scathing feature "Fashion Police – When Bad Clothes Happen To Good People," replacing it with the more positive, supportive and sympathetic two-page feature "Made Us Look," singing the praises of "the most eye-catching outfits of the week."
Could 'Us Weekly' possibly be striving for respectability? There's not an unkind word about any celebrity's attire on any of the pages.
'Life & Style'
There's no such pretence at respectability here, with this week's cover hatchet job targeting Britney Spears.
"Saving Britney" screams the headline, promising to reveal the singer's "Drugs, Paranoia & Cries for Help."
If she wasn't paranoid before this story appeared, she will be now.
"Britney is headed for another breakdown," claims a source, as her ex-husband Kevin Federline prepares to move with their sons to Hawaii. The rag also claims that "$20 million of her fortune [is] missing!" She'd better check under the sofa cushions.
'In Touch'
Boasting that it has "Special Palace Access" the rag's cover promises to reveal the secrets of "The Real Princess Kate!"
Did the Princess of Wales sit down with 'In Touch' magazine to describe the inner workings of her private life? Hell no. The publication claims to reveal her "family vacation plans," how she is "making peace" with Prince William's alleged "Mistress" Rose Hanbury, and lifts the lid on "the royal duties she loves – and hates!"
Proving that the rag has real access inside royal palaces, it brings readers "Kate's Famous Watermelon Salad Recipe!" That's the same recipe she publicly revealed last July.
Onwards and downwards . . .
