RFK Jr.'s campaign was on life support. Polling at less than 4%, his funds were evaporating, and so was the media attention he desperately needed to stay relevant.
Taking a cue from his wriggling brain-eating worms, Bobby Jr. began searching for a new host body to infest. He targeted Harris first. She was healthy, vibrant, and most importantly, still viable. "Trust me," he pleaded. "I'm a symbiote, not a parasite, I swear!" But the Harris administration's immune system was too strong, rejecting Junior before he could sink his teeth in, leaving him scurrying off to find another warm-blooded host to carry his delusions to the masses.
He then set his sights on the less-desirable Donald. Junior had previously called Donald a "terrible human being" and "probably a sociopath," but at this point, Junior was like a hermit crab without a shell—desperate and willing to crawl into anything.
Donald, however, wasn't eager to be infected by Junior just yet. First, Donald was already hosting a zoo of other noxious parasites: Alex Jones, QAnon, the Proud Boys, Vladimir Putin, Kim Jong Un, and the Heritage Foundation. Second, Donald was a parasite himself—his favorite poem is "Siphonaptera"—so he knew all about their sneaky ways. Third, Donald couldn't stand Junior. He once described him as the "dumbest member" of the Kennedy dynasty, and a "radical left lunatic" for his environmental ideas.
"But I was just kidding about saving the planet!" Junior croaked. "I'll bring you votes!"
Donald would have loved to reject Junior, but with Harris climbing in the polls, he had no choice but to accept Junior's offer. The two parasites merged into a grotesque abomination of political desperation, twice as delusional and half as coherent, appealing mainly to those who believe the Earth is flat, vaccines are mind control, and that a reality TV actor and a conspiracy theorist can turn the United States into a hybrid of Happy Days and The Handmaid's Tale. But the rest of the world was ready to change the channel to a new show.
