When Washington D.C. bar owner Josh Saltzman had the audacity to question four major potato suppliers' perfectly synchronized $0.12 price hike by Tweeting "Totally not collusion or anything, right?" he revealed himself as yet another victim of dangerous consumer-rights propaganda. What's next, Mr. Saltzman – expecting corporations to put french fry affordability above executive bonuses? Book your ticket to Pyongyang, comrade.
Let's speak plainly: anyone who thinks "competitive markets" and "consumer protection" should trump corporate profits clearly doesn't understand American values. "It was just the most obvious example of collusion I've seen in a long time. All of them were raising their prices by virtually the exact same amount within a week of each other," Saltzman complained to The Lever, displaying the kind of radical thinking that probably also makes him believe healthcare shouldn't be a luxury item.
Now some America-hating lawyers are exploiting Saltzman's tweet by spawning frivolous antitrust lawsuits. They're attacking the innovative PotatoTrac platform – a patriotic tool that allows our nation's four largest potato providers (controlling a mere 97% of the $68 billion market) to efficiently share "confidential business information." What's next – complaining that trade associations are just fancy meeting rooms for price fixing? This is the kind of efficiency that made America great!
The potato barons of America understand what's really at stake here: the sacred right to maximize shareholder value by any means necessary. When our nation's largest tater tots suppliers join forces to protect their profit margins, they're not just fixing prices – they're fixing America. If you can't appreciate the beauty of synchronized price hikes, perhaps you'd be more comfortable in a country where potatoes are distributed equally to all citizens. (Spoiler alert: that's called socialism, and it's why we built fallout shelters.
Big Potato's coordinated pricing isn't collusion – it's freedom. And if you disagree, there's plenty of room in Cuba's potato fields. Remember: questioning Big Potato's pricing strategies isn't just unpatriotic – it's practically a confession that you sleep with a copy of Das Kapital under your pillow.
Previously:
• How to power your calculator with potatoes so you can play DOOM
• How to make sweet potato fries
• Funeral potatoes are not as grim as they sound
• The case of the poison potato
• This crisper pan makes incredible sweet potato fries
• Luxury perfume that smells like potatoes is apparently quite a-peeling
• The Mother of All Potato Cannons