Nothing announces "I'm deeply insecure about my place in the billionaire pecking order" quite like dropping $880,000 on a diamond-encrusted gyroscopic cup holder. Because when you're desperately trying to impress people who already hate you, why not spend your meaningless wealth making sure your Cristal doesn't tilt three degrees on your megayacht?
Former yacht captain Germain Mari-Olive spent four years of his life (let that sink in) developing the "Tulip" – a grotesquely over-engineered serving tray that ensures the ultra-wealthy never have to face the character-building experience of mopping up a spilled drink. "Each Tulip represents a masterful blend of technology and luxury," Mari-Olive told Luxurylaunches, presumably while counting stacks of billionaire guilt money.
The Tulip can be customized with diamonds, gold, and precious gems and stabilizes up to eight glasses, ensuring your soulless networking events continue uninterrupted even in choppy waters.
As reported by Luxurylaunches, prices start at a mere €40,000 ($45,000) for peasants who just want basic stabilization, climbing to €850,000 ($880,000) for those who need their profound emptiness decorated with precious stones. "It's equipped with a high-tech mechanism capable of withstanding up to a 30-degree tilt," boasts the marketing material, though sadly, no amount of engineering can stabilize the wobbling self-worth of someone who actually buys this thing.
Previously:
• Thousands of Dutch vow to throw rotten eggs at Jeff Bezos' superyacht
• John Oliver offers corrupt Clarence Thomas a luxury RV and $1 million a year to 'get the f*ck off the Supreme Court'
