Pete Hegseth, Trump's brilliant Defense Secretary, has pinky-promised to stay totally sober during his tenure – but don't you dare ask what happens if he gets caught with a White Claw in the Situation Room!
"This is the biggest deployment of my life, and there won't be a drop of alcohol on my lips while I'm doing it," Hegseth declared to MAGA's favorite mean girl Megyn Kelly.
But when Senator Mazie Hirono tried getting him to commit to actual consequences, asking the faithful husband if he'd resign should an errant drop of booze happen to make its way past his maxlooked jaws, the normally garrulous Hegseth was at a loss for words.
His Republican buddies quickly stepped in to speak for him. Sen. Eric Schmitt helpfully noted, "He offered up to me, and I know he has with other senators too, that he's not drinking." And Sen. Kevin Cramer said Hegseth told him, "My commitment is to not touch alcohol while I have this position."
But here's where Ejaculating Pete reveals his MAGA training wheels: A true movement warrior would have promised to resign if caught drinking, then claimed any future drunk photos were actually Hunter Biden in a Pete Hegseth mask created by George Soros in a Ukrainian lab using the latest version of DeepSeek.
Maybe after squeaking through confirmation with VP Vance's tiebreaking vote, Pious Peter can spend some quality time at the MTG School for Political Performance Art. First lesson: Say something stupid then blame antifa when called out.
Previously:
• Hegseth forced to quit vet groups due to financial mismanagement, sexual misconduct, and public intoxication, says New Yorker
• Republican Senators find their spines hiding behind a brave woman
• Pete Hegseth suggests he 'will shoot protestors in the legs' if asked by Trump (video)
• Project 2025 offers senators $1 million to confirm scandal-plagued Hegseth as defense secretary
