Judge rules herbal tea purchase doesn't count as damages, personally attacks our entire lifestyle

In what might be the most personal attack on our coping mechanisms since Marie Kondo demanded we throw away our comfort clutter, a federal judge in Illinois just ruled that stress-shopping doesn't count as legal standing.

As reported by Courthouse News Service, our hero Faizah Siddique tried taking on Big Debt Collection after I.Q. Data International came for her about an apartment lease dispute. Like any reasonable human being dealing with debt collectors, she self-medicated with chamomile tea and fired off an angry letter. Then she did what Americans do best: sued them in federal court, citing her tea and postage expenses ($10.90) as proof of concrete harm.

In her savage ruling, Judge April M. Perry basically @'d all of us: "To rule otherwise would throw open the door for plaintiffs to transform even the mildest of emotional harms into concrete injury simply by asserting that they spent money to self-soothe by purchasing scented candles, fuzzy slippers, or crystals." First of all your honor, those crystals are for our chakras.

In other words, your Target stress-shopping sprees may be personally validating, but they're legally worthless. Now if you'll excuse us, we need to go sage our laptop after reading this ruling.

Previously:
Florida hospital sends debt collectors after 4-year-old child