Somewhere in the hallowed halls of Congress, Senator John Fetterman is… well, nobody's quite sure where he is, actually. As reported by Axios, the Pennsylvania Democrat has turned "playing hooky" into an art form, missing more votes than any other senator this year while his staff frantically searches the Capitol like they're filming a particularly sad episode of "Where's Waldo?"
Former staffers are spilling tea hot enough to warrant hazard pay. His ex-chief of staff Adam Jentleson said that Fetterman could be "leading Democrats out of the wilderness" — if only anyone could find him first.
The Senator's current team has created a human shield worthy of a boy band's security detail, protecting him from the terrifying threat of junior staffers wanting to do their jobs.
When he does materialize, it's not exactly a charm offensive. One meeting with teachers union officials ended with a staffer crying in the hallway.
Fetterman's response to all this? He's pulling the "disgruntled employee" card faster than a tech bro defending his failing startup. "If those were genuine concerns, they'd pick up the phone and call me," he says, apparently forgetting that first they'd need to locate him.
Meanwhile, his office is running like a Shakespeare tragedy where everyone's whispering behind tapestries and nobody knows where the main character went.
For those keeping score at home: 55 missed floor votes, two committee appearances, and one very expensive game of senatorial hide-and-seek.
Previously:
• 'I'm not a progressive,' says Sen. John Fetterman, elected while often saying he was a progressive
