A new paper published in Procedia Computer Science makes an eyebrow-raising claim — researchers say they can predict whether stocks will go up or down tomorrow with 99% accuracy by looking at the stars. According to the authors, when they combined planetary positions and astrological data with machine learning, they achieved nearly perfect prediction of next-day stock movements.
"The XGBoost classifier achieved 99% accuracy in predicting stock market movements," the researchers write. Warren Buffett and his team of analysts must be kicking themselves for overlooking Jupiter's position in Sagittarius all these years.
The researchers claim specific star patterns correlate with market behavior, finding that when the moon passes through constellations like Anuradha, stocks tend to rise, while during others like Aswini, they typically fall. No word on whether Mercury retrograde affects tech stocks disproportionately. The paper doesn't explain why the position of planets would affect stock prices, instead simply stating that "every future event is predetermined and inscribed in the celestial bodies."
The researchers say they've solved the age-old challenge of predicting stocks, a feat professional investors — with their multimillion-dollar systems — only dream of. A consistent 99% accuracy would upend finance entirely.
It's a good time to remember Ellworth's Law: If a system promises easy money, it won't be shared — it'll be a guarded secret.
Previously:
• High-flying financiers subscribe to high-ticket astrologers
• Astrology websites flock to analyze Julian Assange's natal chart
