Former mayoral candidate a bit of a wanker

You've probably not heard of Frank Scurlock, bounce house magnate and onetime mayoral candidate in New Orleans. Even an amazing news story about him, published two years ago, did not quite attain the heights of virality. By suing the newspaper and reporter who published and wrote it, however, Scurlock has ensured that a vastly greater number of people will find out that he ...

... had pleaded no contest to a charge of “lewd and dissolute conduct” – a charge that was based on an Uber driver’s complaint that Scurlock had masturbated in the backseat of her car.

Scurlock's lawsuit, filed against The Times-Picayune and a reporter who then worked there, claimes it falsely reported that he was arrested. Scurlock is representing himself, according to NOLA.com.

(I hasten to add that the mugshot of Scurlock here is from a different run-in with the law) Read the rest

The New York Post's punny cover about Paul McCartney and John Lennon's circle jerk

That's some mighty fine headline writing from the New York Post for their rehash of Paul McCartney's GQ interview in which he reminisced about masturbating with John Lennon. Read the rest

Bicycle sexually assaulted

A bicycle owner, sick of his ride being molested by a mystery masturbator, set up a video camera to catch the villain in the act. [The Local] Read the rest

Fred Willard avoids going to trial following his lewdness arrest in July

After getting caught in the act -- specifically, the act of masturbating at Hollywood's Tiki Theater (for adults) -- Fred Willard has avoided trial after completing a "diversion program for minor sexual offenses" in September. I'm going to pretend that this program was conducted by a Christopher Guest character to make this story extra fun, now that it looks like it's over. (via Huffington Post) Read the rest

Fred Willard arrested for masturbating to porn because that's not what porn is for, apparently

As far as celebrity arrests for whacking off in a porn theater go, we can proudly proclaim that this generation's Pee-Wee Herman has finally arrived! Fred Willard, that guy who has appeared in several Christopher Guest movies, Anchorman, Everybody Loves Raymond, and various guest spots on TV shows including Tim & Eric, Modern Family, and The Boondocks (and the one thing he probably won't be invited back to do, voiceover work for Old Navy) was caught red-handed in a Los Angeles adult movie theater by police doing a "random walk-through." I have a question: What do police think people normally do with their penises in porn theaters on a typical Wednesday night, and do taxpayers really need to be paying for them to check? The public demands an answer.

While Mr. Willard sorts out his legal problems and the world laughs, let's compare whacking off in a porn theater to other 100 percent normal activities that probably wouldn't warrant a "random walk-through" by the police (but maybe they should). Read the rest