On March 11, 2020, the hooflickers of the Pembroke Pines Police Department in Florida posted an ominous message to their Twitter page, warning residents about a rogue heffer who had been let loose upon their quiet community. This female brown cow with a white head was renowned for her speed and fence-jumping skills, and also apparently liked pools.
The specifics of the cow's alleged crimes of "MOOving violations" and "UDDERing false checks" are not currently known to the public at this time. The law-breaking bovine has since been apprehended, and is currently awaiting trial.
This fugitive cow has avoided police capture for months in South Florida [Wells Dusenbury / South Florida Sun Sentinel]
Image: Public Domain via Pexels
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Climate change is real. The state of Florida is particularly susceptible to its effects, being a largely coastal landmass. Hurricanes and floods strike with increasing frequency, damaging or outright destroying homes, businesses, and public infrastructure. As a result, maintenance and repair costs are rising, too. And that doesn't even touch on the human impact—the elderly residents killed by extreme temperatures, and the food- and mosquito-borne diseases that mutate and spread through the swampy heat. The latest studies predict a two-foot rise in sea level over the next forty years.
But you wouldn't know any of that from a visit to the Florida Statehouse at any point during the reign of Republican Governor Rick Scott, however. That's because Scott had implemented an unofficial policy banning the use of "climate change" and "global warming" in all official government communications ("unofficial" only in that Scott was a conniving politician who understood that you can't legally ban words in the United States, but you can use your authority to bully people out of using them anyway). It's the same tactic that the Trump Administration has used to steamroll federal scientists. From the Miami Herald:
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“We were told not to use the terms ‘climate change,’ ‘global warming’ or ‘sustainability,’” said Christopher Byrd, an attorney with the DEP’s Office of General Counsel in Tallahassee from 2008 to 2013. “That message was communicated to me and my colleagues by our superiors in the Office of General Counsel.”
Kristina Trotta, another former DEP employee who worked in Miami, said her supervisor told her not to use the terms “climate change” and “global warming” in a 2014 staff meeting.
Last week, a Florida woman (because of course she’s from Florida) was caught rolling around in a stolen SUV. There was a chase! There was a crash! In an effort to escape her police entourage, 46-year old Jennifer Anne Kaufman left the other occupants of her pilfered ride behind and took off on foot. As she fled across a farmer's field, Kaufman could likely hear the sirens of the prowl cars that had been chasing her. The helicopter that the Seminole County Sheriff’s Office called in to help hunt her down? No way she’d have missed that.
Kaufman did not, however, account for the cows.
Rural crime is a serious issue: everyone’s gotta do their part, even livestock.
According to the Tampa Bay Times, after the cows and Seminole County Sheriff’s deputies took Kaufman and her pals, who were good enough to stick around, into custody, they had a chance to search the stolen SUV and discovered "…more than a gram of cocaine, a crack pipe, syringes and a metal spoon."
That’ll do cows. That’ll do.
Yeah, I know that it's more likely that the cattle were either curious or expecting to be fed by a human tromping through their field. But honestly, in a world so full of hate, violence and unspeakable dangers, I need to believe that, when faced with a situation like this one, a cow can be relied upon to rise up and mete out justice, that we all might sleep just a little bit easier. Read the rest
A homophobic guy in Florida, of all places, has changed his name to "Bruce Jenner." He barely closets his intolerance in a ridiculous theory about returning this precious name to earlier glory.
This excerpt, from the Sun Sentinel, reads as a list of scorn worthy people.
This Bruce Jenner was formerly Mark Behar, an actor and bodyguard who legally had his name changed in order to preserve the “heterosexual roots” of Jenner’s original name, according to a statement from his publicist, Tom Madden.
"We're representing Mark who is now legally Bruce so the famous Bruce Jenner name will return to its heterosexual roots where our client believes it belongs instead of hanging around out with the likes of the Kardashians and getting into car accidents as Caitlyn," Madden was quoted saying in a press release from TransMedia Group, the PR firm representing the former Behar.
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