By Stefan Jones
1. Get $25 worth of paper currency from one of those countries where $25 worth of currency fills up two wheel barrows. Divide it into five lots and send them, along with an incomprehensible letter, to the addresses listed in an email chain letter.
2. Build some gigantic rat traps, with wooden bases at least 2' x 3' and baited with an entire blocks of government cheese. Plant the traps, in sprung state, near a local chemical company. Wear giant rat foot shoes while doing this.
3. Get a supply of those little plastic ties used to seal hotel minibars after they are loaded with a full complement of overpriced goodies. Bring them and a supply of useful things (socks, condoms, aspirin) and strange things (McGruff the Crime Dog coloring books, bottles of Moxie, a can of Hormel Calf Brains in Milk Gravy) while travelling. Put the things in the minibar before sealing it up.
4. Start a squirrel stalking and treeing club. Find a park that has lots of squirrels and isolated trees and hold matches. Apply to the IOC to make squirrel stalking an Olympic sport.
5. Invest in lamb and mutton futures. Start a breeding program to create a Timber wolf/Border collie hybrid; let it loose in Yellowstone. Collect newspaper clipping about entire flocks of sheep being skillfully herded into the woods by "MacLobo."
6. Make up signs reading "Dolphins Present. Bathe at Own Risk." Post them on nearby beaches and swimming pools.
7. Save up for one of the new Volkswagen Bugs. Rig it with remote controls, paint it like Herbie the Love Bug, and use it to menace crowds waiting to get into Disneyworld. Unable because of the bad publicity to turn out a cheap Herbie feature to help balance its books next Spring, Disney goes bankrupt.
8. Start a UFO cult which gives money to its followers and encourages them to stay in touch with their friends and family . . . but requires them to have an extra pair of glowing green "ET testicles" installed at their own expense.
8. Make up a bunch of signs reading "NOW ENTERING" and "POPULATION 7,341." Drive around the country bolting them to the top and bottom of "Fallen Rock" signs.
9. Quit my job and persue my dream career as a bag changer for a prairie dog vacuum.