America's 250th birthday celebration has reached the "FBI director's girlfriend is available" stage of event planning, which is the sort of sentence that makes the Founders look smart for dying early.
To be fair, America has always relied on volunteers in moments of crisis. Some people storm beaches. Some people build hospitals. Some people, when Vanilla Ice cannot carry the whole fever dream alone, date the FBI director and bring a guitar to the National Mall. History rarely arrives wearing dignity. Sometimes it arrives with a laminate, a backing track, and a boyfriend who can probably get through security.
Other nations celebrate 250 years with monuments. We celebrate by checking who is still willing to perform after Young MC says no.
Previously:
• Stars ditch Trump's 'Freedom 250' concert series after they realize he's behind it
• The Good Liars went to Freedom 250 so the rest of us didn't have to
