DATELINE TOONTOWN. President-elect Bam Bam has announced a slate of Cabinet appointments, declaring that "this new generation of leadership" will mix a few popular characters from the past along with "many less familiar faces who are getting their first opportunity in a leading role." At a press conference, the President-elect explained that the new appointees were put through a rigorous examination of their public and private lives, and that all were found to have "rock-solid reputations." He praised his new team, calling them "a bedrock for change." The most anticipated announcement of the day was the confirmation of Wilma Rockham Flintstone as his selection for the next Secretary of State.
Here's the complete rundown of all the appointments announced over the past week:
Secretary of State – Wilma Rockham Flintstone
This appointment shows how close the ties between family and party are in Toontown. Bam Bam used to party with the Flintstone's daughter, Pebbles, and his father, Barney Rubble, worked with Wilma's husband, Fred, in the excavation business. Most analysts are wondering what the appointment means for Fred Flintstone. Fred, who first uttered the words "hit the ground running", is still very popular around the world; and he likes the attention. But he has a big mouth. Bam Bam said today that "Wilma Flintstone is an American of tremendous stature" and that he has "complete confidence in her character and judgement." He cited her experience in dealing with domestic affairs, which has prepared her for "her new role in protecting the nation's interests abroad."
Treasury Secretary – Richie Rich
Rich, who has fallen on hard times lately, beat out Top Cat for the appointment. Reportedly, President-elect Bam Bam never felt comfortable around such a street-smart character. He thought that Rich's recent misfortunes, which have moved him back to the middle-class, might stir sympathy for the plight of the average American. Also, Rich really does need the job.
Dept of Homeland Security — Yosemite Sam
With his hot-temper and first-hand knowledge of the southwestern border states, Yosemite Sam promises to bring "straight-talk" to immigration policy in America. He is not expected to duck from any aspect of this tough issue in the media or in Congress. However, many analysts think that because Sam's likely to come out with all his guns a-blazing, he is also a likely candidate for an early exit from the Bam-Bam administration.
Attorney General — Huckleberry Hound
With considerable experience as a small-town Sheriff, this homely, homespun character with a Southern drawl is expected to restore the department's reputation as an honest defender of justice. President-elect Bam Bam said that he appreciated Huckleberry Hound's true-blue nature but added: "he is as sly as a dog." Supposedly, Ricochet Rabbit was also under consideration.
Secretary of Education — Mister Peabody
The bespectacled inventor of the Wayback Machine, Peabody originated the phrase "no child left behind" during his time-travelling expeditions with young Sherman. Peabody has agreed to re-invent American education for the 21st Century. Many think he is capable of doing this single-handedly, if he's allowed to do so by teachers, parents and bureaucrats.
Secretary of Defense — Baba Looey
Longtime deputy secretary to Quick Draw McGraw (aka El Kabong), Looey has been demonstrating his considerable brain-power behind the scenes in Toontown for decades. Now Looey is the first Mexican-born burro to hold a senior-level cabinet post. Unfortunately, the generals are already complaining about having to answer to another person with a funny name.
Secretary of Labor — Hardy Har Har
Worked for years under Lippy the Lion and LBJ, Har Har is known to be rather down-in-the-mouth and pessimistic. This made him a good choice for a Labor Department, which must figure out how to put Americans back to work — no laughing matter, indeed.
Secretary of Energy — vacant.
There has been little speculation on the names under consideration for running the Energy Department, although the Drudge Report is saying that Bart Simpson's name has come up more than once.
Secretary of Commerce — Magilla Gorilla
Citing years of experience in Mister Peebles' Pet Store, Magilla Gorilla is familiar with the struggles of small-town shopowners, a vanishing breed in an era where people are busily stampeding through Wal-Marts. President-elect Bam Bam is encouraging his new Secretary of Commerce to throw his weight around.
Secretary of Veterans Affairs — General Flap
One of the pitifully few African-Americans living in Toontown, Lt. Flap distinguished himself in the war working with Beetle Bailey, starting in 1961, and now he finally receives this overdue promotion to a top job. In a town that worries more about equal representation of cats and dogs, this is progress.
Secretary of Transportation — Motormouse or Penelope Pitstop.
One of the few appointments left undecided, the next Secretary of Transportation will either be the quiet but very quick Motormouse or the wealthy heiress, Ms. Pitstop, who has escaped many a predicament in her melodramatic career. Neither is expected to play a major role in the next administration.
Secretary of Health and Human Services — Olive Oyl
Known for her good heart but lacking much on-the-job experience, Olive must tackle day-to-day management of a large department that could suffer brutal cutbacks. She is said to be focusing on childhood obesity and she's considering the possibility of banning wimpy burgers. It will also be important that she distance herself from her husband, known for the rap song "I Yam What I Yam" and violent rages induced by his vegetarian diet.
Secretary of the Environment — Chilly Willy or Wally Gator.
This one is still a toss-up. The choice is between directing attention to the thawing Artic or the storm-tossed Louisiana swamp. Bam Bam is probably leaning towards Chilly Willy because of growing concern over global warming, along with a secret preference for Klondike bars.
Secretary of Agriculture — Porky Pig
This ageless character comes out of retirement for one last spin on the world's stage. He comes from farm country so it will be interesting to see if he can be strong enough to roll back huge f-f-farm s-s-subs-s-s-idies.
National Security Advisor — Johnny Quest
After a promising start to his career, Quest has finally achieved the senior-level position that many thought would come much earlier. He not only knows each region's hot spots but he's lived in each of them and found ways to survive on his own. Whether that qualifies him for the politically charged environment of Toontown remains to be seen.
Many believe there is a role in national security for veteran Clutch Cargo but lips are sealed on this one. There is also talk that Yakky Doodle will be the next press secretary. Finally, Uncle Scrooge is said to be close to accepting a role as President-elect Bam-Bam's top economic adviser. The sage skinflint, Scrooge is dusting off his own post-war recovery plan, titled "Voodoo Hoodoo", and he's updating it to cope with today's credit crisis.
Stay tuned for more news as it happens from Toontown. Thanks to Toonopedia.com for providing background information on all these characters.