Something For The Hated

Discuss

65 Responses to “Something For The Hated”

  1. mdh says:

    @41 danybomm – i find it is a lot easier to complain than to look at yourself,

    fixed your thing.

  2. Anonymous says:

    Playa hatas are a fact of life, my friend.

    I think it has a lot to do with how it is ALWAYS easier to put down someone’s efforts rather than help raise them up. Except in the case of hot chicks and penises.

  3. caipirina says:

    I am currently dealing with a hater who leaves racist comments on our blog .. to criminal extend .. thus I involved the police … it is a shame really and I am sure this person has some trouble and tries to get it off somehow … but those ‘anonymous’ people also need to know that there is such a thing as an IP address …

    In general I agree with your article, Danny, instead of just sulking / emoting, turn it into something positive!

  4. McProf says:

    There’s a lot of practical wisdom here. It is very difficult to deal effectively with people when you are under attack–especially public attack.

    It does help to remember that many, many people are profoundly limited, many damaged.

    I’ve found one book profoundly helpful in this regard–Coping with Difficult People. Branham is the author, I believe.

    He shows that difficult people fall into fairly regular patterns, and can generally be dealt with with fairly formulaic kinds of responses. These responses–which are easy to learn–are also deeply empowering, and often re-orient the “haters” or help them see things in a different light.

    I not only keep the book around for handy reference, I bought an audio version of the book and pop in different tapes regularly. I don’t find particular comments any less maddening, but I do manage more effectively now as a result.

    Danny is right to grow from encounters like this. But I’d prefer not to think of these folks as “haters”–a dehumanizing term. If we can humanize them, and even develop some empathy for our attackers, we cease to feel “one down” and become more focused on the rational problem-solving of how to deal with a difficult person.

    peace.

  5. Xydexx says:

    Living well truly is the best revenge.

  6. Anonymous says:

    Very good, Danny.
    You are taking the adversity which comes your way, and turning it around into an opportunity.

    very i-ching.

  7. echonomist says:

    @28: I don’t really expect analysis from boingboing anymore…harhar

    I don’t think Danny’s posts are lacking in analysis or substance. I wouldn’t mind more thoughts on why westerners are fascinated by Japanese culture. Bring on more posts!

    Danny Choo for CEO for life of Federated Media!!!

    Danny Choo: Internet heart throb, cultural ambassador currently in good standing, noted friend to the animals, forests and oceans of the world! Honorary family member of a pod of humpback whales! He once briefly united the two Irelands but didn’t want to force people to do anything they didn’t want so he put them back the way they were but replaced the weapons with ice cream and the more recent works of Corey Doctorow.

    …failing those titles, full time writer for boingboing.net would be nice.

    I enjoy being bombastic?

  8. Francesco Fondi says:

    Great post Danny!
    For me haters are just seeders of new memes in your mind: if you let these memes use too much of your CPU resources your are just loosing to the haters…

  9. spencerluck says:

    Great post. -I’ve had a few similar experiences.

    I feel that haters also serve as teaching aids and cautionary tales.

    1) Haters can teach us that you Never internalize someone else’s frame, or even go so far as to personalize it as some kind of negative judgment on the atomic substance of you.

    2) They can teach us that (especially in interpersonal psych.) the Overwhelming majority of people say and do things because of who They are; -Not who you are.
    –One of the games I like to play when I encounter ~haters is “What Kind of Person _____?” ie: “What kind of person decides they hate a total stranger they know ~basically nothing about?”

    3) They can teach us to focus our efforts, b/c people do not change unless they Really want to; -> so, you can’t change or control them. (you ~may try to Influence, but you have to balance benefit/cost)

    4) They remind us that indeed, everyone is different; good, bad, &/or ugly.

    5) In a way, they can remind us to (if necessary) make sure we are valuing ourselves well enough; and if not, to take appropriate action to improve our self-esteem, etc.

    6) They also can remind you to Authentically take up your share of ‘space’ in this life, Forthrightly ‘be yourself’ in every possible sense of the term, and run the Social Chemistry Experiment with blistering honesty, whatever the results may be.
    -Because as you see, no matter what you do a)That same Hater will still #$%&-ing hate you and/or b) Somebody else will step up to hate you in their place. -> So if you’re ultimately #$%&-ed for some people, you might as well be that and do it your own Goddamn way.

    -There are probably other things on that list too.

    Honestly, the ultimate result of my “What Kind of Person _____?”-game almost always turns out to be :
    The type of person who _____ is an insecure, self-conscious, low-value person who feels bad about themselves somehow.

    Truly high-value people are not super-reactive, and do not ‘get’ their value by ‘taking’ it out of or by dissing others.

    I find that a few personality characteristics somehow instantly smoke out ~haters. I don’t know why/particularly what, but they’re a polarizing influence.
    It is interesting to see the wheat from the chaff sorted so quickly. In an odd way, I view it as a convenience and a time-saver. It can keep you from spending time with people who are actually kinda uncool.

  10. dculberson says:

    Danny, thanks for the interesting post, I read it all and found it helpful. I agree it’s not worth wasting the energy to dwell on the hurt and allow it to consume you. It’s a lot more useful to succeed despite the wishes of others.

    It’s sad and ironic that my most productive periods are sometimes wrought with grumbling and complaining about someone doing me wrong. Thankfully I’m pretty good about channeling that energy into positive pursuits.

  11. zax says:

    Yeah strangely enough haters have helped make me the empowered, well adjusted person I am today! Strange how the world works…

  12. uktokyoite says:

    A very interesting post and I’ve had a few haters in my time too. These days I determine not to let them sap my energy as I believe that is basically the goal. When I was younger though I hadn’t yet worked all this out and yes, there were days when the whole thing used to make me sad and down on myself.

    I try to focus on the positive things now and leave them to deal with their own problems (of course there are days when this doesn’t work) but in general I do ok.

    I think you can safely say, Danny, that oodles more people love you than hate you :)

  13. Radiance says:

    Greetings from USA!!

    I enjoying reading your blog Danny! You voiced
    the feelings of many. Keep up the good work!!

  14. Tie-dyed Tehuti says:

    Great post Danny. I’m a radio talk show host in Texas and I have a complete forum thread dedicated to what a monster I am, all because an individual in my town doesn’t share my political point of view and resents the fact that I get paid to express my opinion in a public forum and he doesn’t. I think you really nailed it with your analysis of why people hate. I can see many of his behaviors reflected in what you write.

    Excuse me, but I must go. According to my biggest “fan” I’m past due to kick a puppy, eat a baby and desecrate various sacred objects from the world’s great religions.

  15. schammond says:

    This is a wonderful post and struck a chord in me. When I was 17 I had my first job in an office that was deeply clique-y and unfriendly. I was very green and inexperienced and desperate to be liked. When all I got back was hate and negativity I became very miserable and left that job. It was an important lesson in not being a doormat but very painful to learn. I did get the last laugh in the end, several years later working in an out-patients clinic, the most vociferous hater turned up for some treatment. My goodness, was she sheepish and almost sycophantic when she realised I would be involved in her treatment. I didn’t gloat (well a little) but I felt that I could hold my head up as I only ever behaved professionally, something that is very important to me. What goes around comes around definitely, and sometimes you’re fortunate enough to be there when it does, to affirm the rightness of your actions. I think this is what you need to hold on to when you’re up against it – that what you do reflects back on you and in the long run if you have acted with integrity then you can sleep at night.
    I do feel sorry for people who expend all this energy on hating, it really does show a lack of contentment with many parts of themselves. I’m too busy and caught up with fab pursuits, friends, literature etc etc etc to focus in on people who irritate me.
    Attacks from haters are personal, not against you but away from themselves (if that makes sense).
    Thank you for sharing all those beautiful sentiments.

  16. Tommer Peterson says:

    Danny-san, this is a great addition to the wonderful, but most often impersonal, conversation on Boing2. The internal life of emotion is not the usual commerce here, so thanks for bringing it to the table.

    I found life in Japan almost the opposite. There was so little personal resonance or exchange that, although I made “friends” easily with Japanese colleagues, it was a lonely time.

    – Tommer

  17. God45 says:

    I would like to thank you for this article. It was a very satisfying read.

  18. JustDisGuy says:

    Tempted to leave a hateful comment for humerous effect, but can’t do it. Great piece – thanks for sharing your insights.

  19. Sean Craven says:

    Thanks for a wonderful post.

    I’ve now had to deal with three different people, all with different methods and motives, who have left unpleasant comments on my blog, one of them posting in the wake of a deliberately insulting and poorly written email addressed to the magazine I help a friend publish.

    The latter was infuriating — and he knew it and relished it. He bragged (rather unconvincingly) about how he had tormented some editors to the point where they had been institutionalized.

    Since I come from a rough background, my instinctive response to disrespect is to feel threatened. “If you let them disrespect you, it’s the first step in an escalating process that ends in violence,” is what my childhood tells me.

    When I first read his message I replied with a good deal of invective going over what he’d written point by point, pointing out errors in grammar, spelling, style, etc.

    Which he just loved. It gave him an opportunity to do a little victory dance.

    But when I found that the article this particular person had repeatedly commanded me to read was about how resentful he was at not being published by the New Yorker I realized that this was someone with problems.

    Then he submitted fiction to another magazine edited by my partner, who of course recycled it. It’s not like the guy could write in the first place.

    I started to feel sorry for him — here was someone who really wanted to be published and who insisted on maintaining hostile relationships with editors as a group. It did seem sad to me.

    But then one of his co-workers left a comment on my blog that said the gentleman in question was every bit as abusive in person as he was at long-distance.

    It’s funny — with each dose of unprovoked hostility I get on the net, the less they seem to matter. Maybe one day I’ll be able to just let ‘em go.

  20. danyboom says:

    a rap about how your mom loves you.

    that’ll show them haters !

    and @41. i noticed your other post today included a star trek reference. fixed my thing did you ? good for you !

  21. Anonymous says:

    Thanks Danny. Beautifully written. Been a longtime reader of your blog, glad to see you guest blogging here on BB.

  22. ink says:

    This was the best story on Boingboing today (so far). Very good advice.

  23. skye says:

    Haters are a great opportunity. Bless them. Then turn your attention toward what YOU want.

    It’s definitely hard to do without repeated practice, but turning toward what you want will give you greater and greater leverage in life. Happiness will start to creep in, then gradually all those haters will magically move away, die, or change into nicer people. Poof!

    And BTW, you bless them for your sake, not theirs.

  24. pspinrad says:

    Nice post– thank you!

    I don’t think I’m a hater, but one thing I’ve noticed is that when someone really bugs me, it’s because I see in them something that I recognize and do not like within myself. Then when I figure out what it is, that generally defuses it.

  25. Anonymous says:

    I love haters.

    They make you angry, and then this anger be redirected into getting things done. Anger is raw confidence, a mix of hormones that make the blood boil.

    If you’re not angry from time to time you’re not properly alive.

  26. mdh says:

    @danyboom – there are plenty of other places to act all /b/tarded.

  27. Xeno says:

    It goes beyond ‘haters’. It’s adversity. Adversity is natural selection as well. Those who confront it and use it as a motivating force feed on adversity. Others allow it to crush and defeat them.

    At the same time, different levels of adveristy can effect you differently. Someone yelling at you versus your entire family dying in a plane crash can be two different kinds of adversity and can affect you entirely differently due to their varying intensity of emotion they bring up (as they are the motivator or stumbling block).

    As an example, I once published a comic called ‘Crackbaby’. I had a theory about black comedy and social commentary that I wanted to experiment on through comics. Everyone I knew said I wouldn’t follow through and would never accomplish it (mainly cause I’m bipolar). Then my grlfriend told me the same and that hurt alot. But I decided to turn that into my motivating force. I would show them all that I could do it and I did it.

    But then Diamond comic distributors didn’t distribute it but then there comic review board for the second time in history gave a 100% thumbs up thus overriding their decision and they carried it.

    It was highlighted in Wizard magazine and won rave reviews.

    So adversity can be a highly motivating factor for some (myself included) but again, it depends upon the intensity of emotion created by the adversity, the adveristy itself(as some react differently to different situations) and the length of time it persists.

  28. Cowicide says:

    Great post, Danny.

  29. yclept says:

    Danny. Thanks for putting it all out there. I don’t know that I would have the chutzpah to air my own issues in such a way. Way to be strong by exposing your emotions.

  30. Shay Guy says:

    “Stop Fu*cking wasting my fu*cking time!”

    …?

    What I wonder about is this — if “haters” are necessary, might some use this claim to justify their actions?

  31. Anonymous says:

    I hate you for writing such a great article.

  32. mdh says:

    I worked with a hater last year. (Office Manager) I watcher her belittle and undermine a co-worker out of his job, and when he was gone – it was my turn. She started re-making my technical decisions (she was an art major, it was a science based job) to make me look bad, sections of my reports would go missing and the clients would complain, she’d reschedule work and tell everyone but me.

    In the end I walked out one day when she called me a naughty word in front of the group I was managing. I walked out because I she was the bosses sister, and although I could not “win”… she (and her brother, who was not a hater (but was totally passive)) could lose.

    And they did. They lost 3 more key people, out of five, two weeks to the day after I walked out.

    Working with a hater is one thing, working FOR one is another. Don’t let them profit off you.

    Danny, you’re a good egg.

  33. zikzak says:

    Like a lot of motivational speech style stuff, the rhetoric here seems a little too self-satisfied for comfort.

    For example, of all the possible reasons mentioned that someone might hate you (they’re jealous and lazy, they have no self-esteem, they’re overly defensive, etc.) the possibility is never mentioned that you may be doing something which legitimately deserves anger or derision.

    Sometimes when someone is angry at you, it’s important to honestly look at yourself and see if you’re doing anything wrong, rather than just figure out what must be wrong with them that they’re acting so “negative”.

  34. Rivkasmom says:

    Soooooo true! Last year I had a hater try to run me out of business. This year I’m selling 10x as much as she is! Even better, every time she throws a temper tantrum online, it drives up my website hits and sales.

    Keep it up, honey!

  35. Jane Kansas says:

    Thanks Danny – great stuff. I am hated and also hater, and both feel soul-sucking.

  36. Anonymous says:

    Oy! The haters can really make life miserable. I write for a fairly well trafficked blog (toot toot) so we get tons of hate mail. Right now I’m the only blogger for the most part, and so everything is aimed at me. After awhile, it has gotten to me, but this article is a great resource! Thanks Danny.

  37. Danny Choo says:

    Thanks all for the kinds words – just wanted to share my experiences with you ;-)

  38. Xeni Jardin says:

    @all — we’ve fixed the formatting problems.

  39. Anonymous says:

    What a wonderful post. It has a lot in ccommon with the Buddhist practice of tonglen — breathe in the bad, breathe out the good.

    One thing I’ve found is very helpful in dealing with haters is to be completely honest. If some hater says something hurtful like “Your fucking attitude is ruining everything” or “You’re a stupid piece of #%&@,” be honest and say, “If you meant to hurt me, you’ve certainly succeeded. But I don’t think I’m stupid.” And if the hater comes back and says “Well, I think you are!” just be honest again and answer, “Well, if you wanted to hurt me, you’ve succeeded once again. That makes me very sad.” Haters don’t know how to deal with this. And if they become gleeful at how sad you feel, they lose sympathy from anyone else.

  40. Xeno says:

    @MDH

    Sometimes the adversity is MEANT to make you leave. Sometimes leaving is the correct response. Life has other plans for you and they are not their.

    It’s like a bad relationship. You may love them but they eventually drive you away… and you come to accept that it was for the best.

  41. Anonymous says:

    Excellent post.

    I try not to waste time on haters or hating. As you say, it saps you and serves no positive purpose in the end.

    I can recall only one person I’ve ever hated and that was a long time ago, childhood. I hated him because he hated me, simple as that. Never learned why but I don’t really care. It’s not worth it.

    Nowadays, I may dislike someone or not desire to spend time/converse with them, but I try not to hate anyone.

  42. cedar says:

    Haters…I wonder you took my comments about the incorrect figures in your ‘cost of education in Japan’ post as hating? Didn’t mean it such.

    But it does bother me that now, enshrined in BoingBoing for millions of future googlers, is an article that makes it sound like Japan is one of the most expensive places for public elementary education. (It’s not. It’s free! So is children’s healthcare.) Usually BB posts corrections.

    Why does it bug me? Because I’ve lived here for over 25 years and I’ve seen how often a piece of incorrect info will live on and on. Very few Western journalists reporting on Japan speak any Japanese. So they source English language material and don’t fact check. Then they frame everything as quirky. Just my 2 cents.

    All that said, your photos are so wonderful, especially the night photos. The year of food was amazing. But… (mom here) eat more vegetables. ;-)

  43. oddible says:

    Problems with the RSS version of this post – no formatting, one giant wall of text – very difficult to read. Hope you can resolve this in future posts cuz the content is good stuff!

    However… I would argue that you might have been led to similar conclusions by others with a less hateful bent. That haters are only necessary because others aren’t filling their role or stepping up to defend against them.

    Great talk by Barry Schwartz at TED…
    http://www.ted.com/talks/barry_schwartz_on_our_loss_of_wisdom.html

  44. yeshua says:

    While your squeaky wheel gets its grease, the world’s smallest violin is playing just for you, too.

  45. Anonymous says:

    Thank you for this post. I too have experience with haters. They hate me so much that they follow my every action, look for how what I say or do can apply to them then, then erupt in anger, especially if anyone they knew agreed with what I said. For instance, if I say driving drunk is dangerous, they’ll claim I’m talking about them then get mad at anyone else who agreed drunk driving is dangerous because I’m obviously trying to besmirch their reputation.

  46. deanaoxo says:

    Great post, thanks Danny. and to number 12, somehow i bet this has occurred to Danny, since he said he was motivated to do better in his first example.

    Anyway, i for one, am right w you.

    Thanks, keep up the good work!

    aoxomoxoa

  47. FoetusNail says:

    An honest response from Kansas.

  48. glace neuf says:

    thanks for the post – really good stuff. going to print it out and give it to my wife. i’m a relatively unassuming guy so my hater interaction has been minimial. my wife is an outgoing and smart woman, which breeds all kinds of haters (sexist dudes who feel threatened, most of her female bosses, who i think also feel threatened) so i think this will help her out!

  49. Glyn1972 says:

    Some psychotherapists refer to this ‘hating’ as King David’s Reaction. It is the desire to place people around you in a vulnerable position so the hater looks better. Sadly, it is very common.
    All you can do is endeavour not to make the same mistakes and reduce your contact with these ‘toxic people’.
    Hope this helps.

    Glyn Morris.

  50. entropyred says:

    Thanks for this post Danny. Although it can sometimes be difficult to discriminate between constructive criticism and haters, learning to deal with both is definitely a necessary life lesson. This is definitely an issue that comes up a lot in the parts of the internet I frequent, so I think I’ll be linking this to a few people.

  51. Anonymous says:

    Nice photo of Yokohama!

  52. danyboom says:

    gee, a guy who collects figureines and takes photos of their bottoms turns out to be a whiner ? what a surprise.

    im not a hater. and i used my real name. i just got tired of seeing dudes in STORMTROOPER COSTUMES in japan. so when someone else mentioned it, i chimed in to support him, not just to bash poor danny.

    i find it is a lot easier to complain about haters than to look at yourself, and danny proved this. pictures of cars with panties on them ? please, danny. think about growing up. boing boing is better than that.

  53. FrankensteinsMonster says:

    me get many haters. me try not give them reason- me do something nice for hater, then him see that him big jerk, not hate me.

  54. Ito Kagehisa says:

    I use hate as a source of strength.

    Hatred of injustice, suffering, and racism, for example, can provide motivation to attack the support structures that allow sponsors of injustice, suffering, and racism to prosper.

    For me, hating individual people is not useful; it is a waste of perfectly good hate that might be turned to some higher purpose.

  55. echonomist says:

    Great article. Long winded but well put at times.

    “If you are happy, passionate about what you do and enjoying the variety of life then you will realize how insignificant haters are compared to the wonderful life you have.”

    That said, you’ve got a lot of hater-hate, Danny. You need to stop hating haters. I need to stop hating and stop hating hater-haters. Ad infinitum.

    Danny Choo for full time boingboing writer!

  56. Anonymous says:

    Danny, I just like to say how much I hated your article. I hated the way it paralleled my views. I hate the way you have obviously been out here for a long time but manage to keep an open, objective mind. I hate the fact that you are like me from the UK and living in Japan (am I right?). I look forward to reading your blog and hating you in the future. I have to get back to fuelling my hate energy for job searching now as I just found out my company is cutting me with the rest of the hakken. Don’t you just hate that. Actually I love it because it’s made me get off my arse and do something but hate myself for not doing something sooner.

    Keep up the good work!

  57. Strophe says:

    Mommy right there, showin me love.
    Son right there, showin me love.
    Why you not showin me love?
    Cuz you hatin.

  58. Anonymous says:

    Great stuff, Danny. Everybody has haters in their life. The key to your emotional well-being is how you deal (or not deal) with them. I call it my Blast Radius Theory:

    If you know there is a mine field in front of you and you walk into it anyway, you deserve whatever happens to you.

    If you work for a jerk of a boss and don’t quit or stay in a relationship with someone who is manipulative, abusive, or just plain nuts, that’s your problem.

    If, however, you can’t extricate yourself from the job/relationship for financial reasons or if you’re in school and you have the class with a hater and you need to take the course that’s a different story.

    The key is to:
    A)Seek To Understand
    B)Control Your Reaction

    Both are difficult to do but absolutely necessary to survive. Most haters feed off of your reaction to them and nothing drives them crazier if you ignore them or react in the exact opposite way, usually in a nice way.

  59. Constantine says:

    Just wanted to say that the formatting of this blog post simply does not exist in the RSS feed so I had to come to the site to get paragraphs and all that jazz to make reading possible :-)

  60. Lea Hernandez says:

    Beautiful, Danny. I was surprised to realize late last year I had been allowing someone’s actions to make me miserable for 5+ years. They are a jerk, burying blind items in their blog, retelling neutral incidents as awful attacks, going so far as to suggest I destroyed their property. Some of what they did hurt me professionally.

    It has been so hard to shake the hate and the obsession, to look and see what new bullshit is being ladled out, like looking at a wound. I felt sick when I saw their name, awful when someone I knew talked to them. (Hi ho, being a little girl from a rough home life who would find the social order of friends had changed at some girl party I was not invited to.)

    I noticed the more I work, the less it bothers me. Since I don’t enjoy the pain of being lied about (and having friends who accept it without question), it motivates me to work. (I’m also aware of what a life-sucking, embarrassing thing an online feud is.)

    The hater recently got their ass handed to them, as they were the subject of vicious lies from…a hater. It’s hard not to think that years of telling vicious lies came right back like a boomerang.

    A great thing I learned in the online company of writer Susan Schwartz (and I apologize if it wasn’t Susan who coined the phrase/idea) was not to “steeplechase.” In a steeplechase, you have to make sure you and your horse are focused, rather than watching the other horses. If the horse in front jumps, and you’re not minding yours, it will jump too, and too soon. The horse in front clears the jump, and you and your horse will be eating puddle. (And be on YouTube.)

    Thanks for writing this. It was just what I needed right now.

  61. pKp says:

    I second #1. Great article all the same.

  62. texasroute66 says:

    Danny-There’s a big, bright, beautiful world out there so just suck it up and get on with your life.

  63. airshowfan says:

    Danny,

    Terrific post.

    I’m going to admit that I almost joined in on the “Is everyone getting tired of this Japan stuff or is it just me?” talk that’s going on the comment threads of some of your other posts. Most of those posts are along the lines of “Look at this! I bet you haven’t seen anything like this before. Isn’t it weird / cool / clever / crazy?”. Now, there’s nothing wrong with that, it exposes us to a different and rich culture, and contains more thought than, say, a LOLcat/FAILblog image. (And I do enjoy those as well). The thing is, here at BoingBoing a lot of readers have come to expect some kind of analysis. Most posts on BoingBoing don’t just show something interesting, they spend a few sentences on what could be going through those people’s heads, on whether this behavior is just a sub-type of some more general group of similar behaviors, on how things got that way, on what the consequences/implications are and whether that’s fair, on what (if anything) could/should be done about it, etc. I think the reason why some people don’t like your Japan posts is that they lack this.

    But this post didn’t. It was very insightful and analytical. (And I haven’t even finished reading it!). I guess I need to go visit your website to be exposed to your more substantial writing.

    (And, of course, it’s always hard to determine just how substantial some writing should be. As you can see, I for one always write too much. But I do think that your posts on BoingBoing (except this one) err on the side of writing too little, and I think I would enjoy longer posts. But that’s just me. Probably just a matter of taste).

  64. erindipity says:

    You’re pretty cool Danny :)
    I think you’re probably a good dancer, too.

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