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Pauly Shore (left) and Stephen Baldwin star as Bud and Doyle in the astoundingly unfunny BIO-DOME

Last year, Carla and I were invited on the set of Pauly Shore's movie, Bio Dome, co-starring the curiously goat-eyed Stephen Baldwin. We drove to Universal studios and caught a bus with a bunch of desperate extras to the set, a huge tent-like structure on a hill next to Norman Bates's Pyscho house.

As soon as we were dumped into a muddy parking lot of actors' trailers and dressing rooms, I had to go to the bathroom. A sign on the bathroom door said "Extras are not to use this lavatory. Use the facilities on the other side." The extra's toilet was probably a mile away and I really had to pee, plus I wasn't an extra, so I opened the door. Instantly, some big fat guy with a beard jumped off the crate he was sitting on and started screaming at me.

"Can't you read the sign you goddamn idiot!" he said.

I started to tell him I was a journalist, and luckily, the Press Relations Coordinator heard me, and he ran to my rescue. The biker apologized and I was able to go to the bathroom.

Terry, the Press Relations guy took us over to Pauly's trailer, the biggest one on the lot. Terry, a real smiler, knocked on the door, but Pauly was occupied with more important matters. So Carla and I walked around for two hours or so even though after ten minutes we wanted to go home. We didn't even really want to see Pauly in the first place, we just wanted to see what the big tent was like, but Terry monitored us like a hawk, promising that we'd soon have the rare opportunity to interview Mr. Shore.

Finally, Pauly called Terry and said we could see him. We trudged down to his trailer and went in. In person, Pauly looks like he could be either an astrophysicist or an inmate in a One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest asylum. His body is small and his head, especially the forehead, is gigantic.

Pauly seemed tired, and a little cagey. Terry wouldn't leave the trailer; I think he wanted to steer the interview. I turned on the tape recorder.

What's the movie about?

It's really exciting for me. I don't wanna jump to conclusions as far as getting my hopes up. It's got two things going for it. Number one, the comedy, and number two, the environmental message, y'know? And also the simplicity of what the movie's about. It just basically me and Stephen Baldwin, we accidentally get stuck inside the bio-dome. We think it's a mall from the outside. We go in there to take a piss, and we don't know that they're sealing the doors for a year. And we get stuck in there with these five intense scientists. We just kinda wreck the whole bio-dome, and they can't let us out because the doors are sealed. There's a lot of really funny scenes with our girlfriends on the outside talking through the glass. And we also have girlfriends inside the dome.

If you were really stuck in a bio-dome for a year, what would you do?

I'd get the fuck out, man. You know what I mean? I'd find a way to get out. I wouldn't stay in there for a year. Fuck that. No. Huh-uh. I need my like you know remote control and all that.

Ten years ago, if you could see what you were doing now, would you be happy?

This is exactly where I wanted to be. I've always wanted to do this. That's 99% of the trick to life, finding out what you want to do. And it's hurt me relationship-wise, because y'know all my girlfriends I've had -- my last 3 or 4 girlfriends -- haven't really understood it, you know. And I keep on saying to myself, "Fuck! Maybe I'm being selfish, maybe I should stop." But I'm not going to settle for someone who won't let me be me, y know, and until someone says, "You know this is what this guy does; he lives and breathes it; he's someone SPECIAL; this is his thing -- I'm gonna hop aboard and help him out as best as I can." And the girls that I've dated haven't really... y'know... and I pound that in their head! I say "Hey! If you make me happy, what you're doing is you're making me feel comfortable and enhanced, so your making my performance so much better, so in reality you're making the people laugh too!" But they never... y'know what I mean. People don't get that. Girls don't.

* * *

After the interview, Terry asked us about bOING bOING. He said he'd never seen it before, but heard many good things about it. Carla got a copy out of her knapsack and handed it to Terry. The smile on his face faltered for a brief instant. He was obviously shocked at the non-slick, black and white production. "Uh... great!" he warbled. "What's the circulation?"

"About 17,000," Carla said. Again, the smile quivered. He shook our hands, mumbled a little, and disappeared.

"We should have shown it to him two hours ago!" Carla complained, as we headed for our car.

Five girls in one!

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