Thank you, thank you. You may all know me as Deanna Troi, counselor of the starship Enterprise, but tonight I want to speak to you as Deanna Troi, author.
People usually think that Starfleet is all rules and regulations, but that's not true at all. A lot of stuff happens on the Enterprise that would surprise and shock people, and exposing those secrets is the motivation for my new "tell-all" autobiography, 'I'm Sensing… You Want Trouble." I'd like to start by reading an excerpt from one of my favorite sections of the book.
Chapter 14: "I'm Sensing You Want to Make Love"
As I settled into my room and unpacked my things, I started contemplating the away mission I was on. Not only had Ambassador Briad's traditional peace offering statue been stolen off the Enterprise, but the thief had overpowered O'Brien and transported himself to Risa, the pleasure planet.
Now I was down on the planet's surface undercover, and the hotel in the neighborhood the thief was reported to be in only had one open room, so Commander Riker and I were not only going to have to share an away mission, we were going to have to share a bed.
"There's no point in looking for the thief until morning. Let's settle in and try to get to sleep," said Commander Riker as he sat down on the lavender sheets and removed his boots.
"Alright, I hope I can get to sleep, with all this excitement from the thief, I don't feel tired at all," I said to him as I stood at the side of the bed and twirled the sheets in my fingers.
With a twinkle in his eye, he said "Well if you really can't get to sleep, I'm sure I can think of a thing or two to pass the time."
I couldn't believe he was being so forward. Not knowing how to react I responded with naivete, "Oh really? Like what?"
He stood up from the side of the bed, and started slowly walking towards me. "Deanna, don't pretend you don't know what I mean." He stood right in front of me now, and put his right hand in the small of my back. "I know you can sense how I feel, I know you can sense what I want. And even though I'm not half betazoid, I think I can sense you want the same thing."
Then we fucked. And the next day we caught the thief.
Thank you. Without further ado, my next excerpt.
Chapter 3: "I'm Sensing You Want to Fight."
Our most recent encounter with the Borg had left the entire crew in desperate need of some rest and relaxation. I decided to spend some time in Ten Forward, eating a chocolate sundae and unwinding. The chocolate sauce tasted amazing, each one of my taste buds lit up with absolute pleasure. I was in heaven when the ever diligent bartender Guinan approached my table, as always she was drying a glass with a rag.
"I can always count on you to order something chocolate after we've had a rough time," she stated.
"What is that supposed to mean?" I inquired rather impatiently.
"Nothing, just that I've noticed you like chocolate. Whenever something happens to the ship, you always show up here and order something chocolate." As she spoke, she tried to act polite, but the jig was up.
I looked her straight in the face and said, "You know what Guinan? I really don't need you coming over here in your ugly ass wool onesie and criticizing my food choices. Why don't you turn around and go back to the bar, where you belong."
She gasped and held her hand to her chest. "Deanna you're obviously upset from our encounter with the Borg. I was just trying to offer a kind ear."
"That's exactly the point," I said to her, raising my voice slightly. "You and I both know there's only room for one mysterious alien that listens to other people's problems on this ship, and it's going to be me."
Guinan took the glass she had been drying and broke it against the table, creating a knife of shards. She pointed it towards me and growled, "I'm hearing that you feel threatened. That must be very difficult, tell me more."
I stood up on the booth and crescent kicked her in the chin. Her stupid circular hat flew off her head and sailed gracefully across the room. "I'm sensing that you're in a great deal of pain, why don't you tell me about it?" I yelled at her as I got back into fighting position.
She lept up from the floor, as only a five hundred year old alien woman can do, and screamed, "Your whole body is tense and your heart rate is up Deanna! maybe I should give you a hug to lower your blood pressure!" With that said, she charged me, broken glass in hand. I tried to dodge her, but it was too late. I felt the shards enter my body and her hot breath in my face as she stabbed me.
"You should have just said you loved chocolate," She hissed in my ear as I lost consciousness.
I woke up a few hours later in sick bay, Dr. Crusher was able to repair all of my injuries. The crew told me Guinan said she was being controlled by an alien parasite at the time of the fight, but I knew better. It was that day I decided never to pick fights with El-Aurians.
Chapter 6: "I'm Sensing You Want to Gossip"
Worf, Commander Riker, Geordi and I had been playing poker in Worf's quarters for a few hours. The synthehol had been flowing and we were all in quite high spirits. I had just won a huge pot after a surprising reveal of a jack in the river. Of course I may have sensed that Worf was bluffing, but that was neither here nor there. Geordi was shuffling the next hand when Commander Riker exclaimed, "Can I just ask something? Does anyone else hate Data?"
"I think that synthehol is going to your head Commander, Data is a valued member of our crew," said Geordi.
Riker put his hand up to Geordi's face, "Shhhh, no I get that and everything. Like, because he's an android he doesn't need oxygen or to go to sleep and he's super strong and saves us and stuff, I get that. I'm just saying, on a personal level, fuck that guy. He's hella annoying."
Worf, who had been silent before now, suddenly spoke up, "I think I have to side with the Commander on this one. I'll often be compiling the security records for the month, and Data will come up to me and say some shit like, 'Your records would be complied much faster if you used a type three Chekov algorithm.' Then when I tell him I'm not familiar with that algorithm, he turns his head to the side and says, 'I guess Klingons are more concerned with teaching their children brute strength instead of valuable math. Ironic then that me, a simple android would be better at math than you, and because of my metal alloy arms, also stronger.' Like, I didn't ask for you to come over here Data, Jesus."
Commander Riker cut back in, "Right, exactly. Like he claims not to be able to express any emotions, but I feel like he has condescension down pretty well."
"You guys calm down, stop saying this horrible stuff about our fellow officer. Data is one of my best friends and I don't want to hear him talked about like this," Geordi said anxiously.
Riker rolled his eyes, "Honestly Geordi, don't get all butt hurt with what I'm about to say, but you only feel that way because you want to fuck him."
"What?!?" whined Geordi as he started to squirm in his seat. "That's totally not true at all. I'm not attracted to androids, I'm attracted to human women."
"Name one human woman you're attracted to," Riker said, challenging him.
Geordi was beginning to sweat, he looked around the room nervously and said timidly, "Umm, Deanna. I'm attracted to you, Deanna."
"I'm sensing that is not true at all," I said. "I usually keep quiet about what other people are sensing, but fuck it, I've had 2 bottles of synthehol. I'm definitely sensing you wanna bang Data."
"You guys are mean," stammered Geordi, a few tears pouring out of his VISOR and onto his cheeks. "And you're horrible people. Worf, Riker, don't you realize she's slept with both of you? Isn't that awkward? I would never play poker with someone else that Data had slept with. Yeah, I'm saying it, we're sleeping together. And guess what? It's awesome. He's basically a sex toy with a brain, it's pretty great. From the first day I saw that yellow skin I knew I had to have him, and now I do. You guys need to get your shit together before you talk about my android like that."
With that, Geordi ran out of the room in a big huff. Worf, Riker and I all rolled our eyes at the stink he had just caused. Then we had a threesome. It was awesome.
Thank you so much for listening to my experiences, I hope you've enjoyed them.
This story was written for Give Me Fiction, a prose reading series hosted by Ivan Hernandez. You can follow GMF on Twitter, check out the podcast on iTunes, RSS, Soundcloud, and Stitcher, and buy tickets for the live show which takes place the first Sunday of every month at Lost Weekend Video.