World-beating email EULA

I amuse myself (and sometimes others) with my email sig, which makes you promise to release me from any agreements I've gotten into with your employer — but it turns out I'm a rank amateur.

Even with my recent addition, "FOR PUBLIC SAFETY REASONS, THIS EMAIL HAS BEEN INTERCEPTED BY YOUR GOVERNMENT AND WILL BE RETAINED FOR FUTURE ANALYSIS," I still don't have a patch on Ray Corrigan (previously), whose sigfile is a thing of beauty and a joy to behold:


Please be aware that this message has, quite likely, been harvested and possibly processed by the NSA, under §1881 FISAAA (now s702 FISA as amended) and by GCHQ neatly bypassing the Regulation of Investigatory Powers Act (RIPA) via Tempora and other bureaucratic means. In relation to the NSA, I accept that I am, after all and in fairness to the good guys in the NSA, entirely guilty of the charge of not being a US citizen.

By reading this email, you agree, on behalf of your employer and associates, to release me from all obligations and waivers arising from any and all non negotiated agreements, licenses, terms-of-service, shrinkwrap, clickwrap, browsewrap, confidentiality, non-disclosure, non-compete and acceptable use policies that I have entered into with your employer, its partners, licensors, agents and assigns, in perpetuity, without prejudice to my ongoing rights and privileges. You further represent that you have the authority to release me from any such "agreements" on behalf of your employer and relevant associates.

My small print trumps yours and any and all attempts to circumvent the letter and spirit of the UK Unfair Contract Terms Act 1977 and equivalent level-the-playing-field statutory instruments in other jurisdictions. I particularly reject the Uniform Computer Information Transactions Act (UCITA).

This email is intended for the use of the individual addressee(s) named above and may contain information that is confidential privileged or unsuitable for overly sensitive persons with low self-esteem, no sense of humour or irrational religious beliefs.

If you are not the intended recipient, any dissemination, distribution or copying of this email is not authorised (either explicitly or implicitly) and constitutes an irritating social faux pas.

Unless the words absquatulation, witzelsucht, strikhedonia and pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis have been used in their correct context somewhere other than in this warning, they do not have any legal or grammatical use and may be ignored. No animals were harmed in the transmission of this email. The cats treating my garden as Grand Toilet Central, however, are courting a super soaker blasting.

Those of you with an overwhelming fear of the unknown will be gratified to learn that there is no hidden message revealed by reading this warning backwards, so just ignore that Alert Notice from Microsoft.

However, by pouring a complete circle of salt around yourself and your computer you can ensure that no harm befalls you and your pets. If you have received this email in error, please add some nutmeg and egg whites, whisk and place in a warm oven for 40 minutes.

Thank you for your cooperation
This e-mail has not been scanned for all known viruses.