Science Jokes to Brighten Your Monday Morning


48 Responses to “Science Jokes to Brighten Your Monday Morning”

  1. jokel says:

    Oh good Lord.

  2. gATO says:

    Oh my… so, so corny, but I’m still laughing my ass off. Must be some by-product of Heisenberg’s principle. Or not.

  3. manhackman says:

    My fathers best joke!
    A photon checks into a hotel. The bell hop asks him ” Can I help you with your luggage?” To which the photon replies, “I don’t have any. I’m traveling light.”

  4. Anonymous says:

    A man walks into a pub and asks for a pint of Adenosine Triphosphate. Barman says – That’ll be ATP. (80p – works in the UK ;) )

  5. squidfood says:

    Humor’s an odd thing… I personally thought S’s Cat was the unfunniest one (really you can see those coming a mile away) but the staph and the host jokes were pretty darn (awful) and good.

  6. Ian70 says:

    a) these jokes are awesome
    b) I totally spoke the punchline for the neutrino joke out loud just as the guy was saying it. GMTA. Evidently I could also be a groaner-generating professor.. and may yet become one.. (cue Theremin music)

  7. rain_globule says:

    The whole thing was build up to the Schrödinger joke, that one was the best.

  8. Anonymous says:

    but everyone knows that math puns are the first SINE OF MADNESS!

  9. Anonymous says:

    Interesting use of the word ‘walks’ for all these limbless entities…

    I like the concept of a whole raft of ‘walked into a bar’ jokes with different scales of matter. Nice stuff.

    For a longer comic riff on Schroedinger’s Cat, you can view

  10. Anonymous says:

    A very short ballerina walks into a barre . . . .

  11. sheepdawg666 says:

    This made my morning MUCH better. This is akin to the dead monkey jokes for the science set. You know:

    Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
    Because it was dead.

    Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
    Because it was stapled to the first monkey.

    Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?
    Peer pressure…

    I’ll be annoying my fellow grad students all day with these! Thanks, Maggie.

  12. ZippySpincycle says:

    A neutron goes into a bar and orders a beer. As the neutron is reaching for its wallet, the bartender looks at it and says, “Oh, for you–no charge.”

  13. rrh says:

    The hydrogen atom says to the oxygen atom, “Hey buddy, have you seen an electron around here? I seem to have lost mine.”

    “Are you sure you lost it?” the oxygen atom asks.

    And the hydrogen atom says, “I’m positive!”

  14. jeepsblues says:

    Not strictly science but…

    Decartes walks into a bar. The bartender says: Rene! Great to see you! How about a beer?

    Decartes says: I think not. And promptly disappears.

  15. mypalmike says:

    I’m adding the staph joke to my personal collection of bad jokes to tell to other geeks.

  16. Anonymous says:

    A virus is spotted China, President of Madagascar shuts. Down. EVERYTHING.

  17. Anonymous says:

    No, it’s the sum of (1/2^n), n=1 to infinity.

    Adding that up, you get 2, so it is infinite mathematicians.

    First few terms = 1 + 1/2 + 1/4 + 1/8…

    (1/2 + 1/4 + 1/8…) as the terms keep going add up to 1, so 1 + 1 = 2, so 2 beers.

  18. rAMPANTiDIOCY says:

    I’m with you, Maggie. The staph infection really got me too.

  19. Anonymous says:

    So an infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.

    The first one orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third, a quarter of a beer. The bartender says “I hate you guys” and pours two beers.

  20. Anonymous says:

    fantastic, loved it:-) thank you:-) X M

  21. pantalones says:

    I’m almost certain that’s a laugh track. My students never laugh out loud at my jokes, which are much better ;). They do audibly groan, though.

  22. gothicgeek says:

    very funny, the cat joke will be added to my list of cringers :)

  23. Anonymous says:

    I saw him on his last trip to Houston, and I was in geek heaven. He’s got a bunch more stuff online –

  24. greyhound4334 says:

    Some very funny science videos here:

  25. Anonymous says:

    A Large Hadron Collider walks into a bar. The bartender says “Hey, we don’t serve large hadron colliders in here.”

    The Large Hadron Collider says, “That’s OK. I’m broke, anyway.”

  26. efergus3 says:

    My favorite bumper sticker: “Werner Heisenberg MAY have slept here.”

  27. Anonymous says:

    a bar of gold walks into a barr, the barman turns and yells “A, u” …

  28. Anonymous says:

    A neutron walks into a bar after a long day of work. He orders his beer and after about an hour he gets up to leave. He asks the bartender, “so how much do I owe ya barkeep?” The bartender replies, “for you, no charge.”

  29. Anonymous says:

    These are terrific. Every kid who thinks science is boring should see this. But they probably wouldn’t understand it. That’s why the geeks will inherit the earth.

  30. Anonymous says:

    What is the difference betweeen an enzyme and a hormone?

    You can’t make an enzyme…

  31. InsertFingerHere says:

    In an alternate reality, this is considered funny stuff.

  32. Anonymous says:

    One physics student asks another if he’s getting a lot of work done on his paper.

    He replies, “No.”

  33. gollux says:


  34. Pip_R_Lagenta says:

    A Lichen walks into a bar. The bartender says “we don’t serve your Kind in here.” The Lichen says “that’s O.K., we don’t drink.”

  35. Cornan says:

    These all made me laugh. Thanks so much for starting my morning off right.

  36. Anonymous says:

    @Maggie – the problem with the staph joke is it only works in the US (and maybe parts of Canada). Whereas the rest of them are equally bad everywhere. (Captcha = “1:45 zingers”, very nice)

  37. Jonathan Badger says:

    A bacterium is trying to enter New Zealand — the customs officer is giving him grief about not having a good reason to enter the country. The bacterium responds “But I heard that New Zealand was a nuclear free zone!”

  38. Anonymous says:

    A Higgs Boson walks into a church, and the priest says, “Hey, you can’t come in here! Get out!” The Higgs Boson says, “But how can you have mass without me?”

  39. Anonymous says:

    He missed one, though:

    The bartender says, “We don’t serve tachyons in here.”
    A tachyon walks into a bar.

  40. Anonymous says:

    Ok, they are not the best jokes ever but… that guy made me laugh!

    Thanks for sharing!

  41. Anonymous says:


    It has to be a countable number of mathematicians, not just any old infinite number, if I understand correctly. (?)

  42. Anonymous says:

    lol’d at the neutrino, but it’s true, the only one ACTUALLY funny is the one with Schrödinger’s cat :P

  43. Anonymous says:

    Heisenberg gets stopped on the motorway by the police.

    Cop: Do you know how fast you were going sir?

    Heisenberg: No, but I know exactly where I am.

  44. TheGibson says:

    Love the concept but…yikes. The Schrödinger’s Cat one is the only funny. :(

  45. Day Vexx says:

    My wife’s favorite joke:

    “A baby seal walks into a club…”

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