Science Jokes to Brighten Your Monday Morning

Fair warning: These jokes are total groaners. Like science-based vaudeville. Frankly, that's what makes them so awesome. I've only had this video since Saturday, and my husband is already sick of me trying to make people laugh at the Schrödinger's Cat joke. But hey, now we all have something to fill the awkward silent moments at Thanksgiving...or create awkward silent moments, depending on your family.

Science comedian Brian Malow.
Watch his full 15-minute set from 2009 Wonderfest science festival

(Thanks, Nemski!)


  1. Humor’s an odd thing… I personally thought S’s Cat was the unfunniest one (really you can see those coming a mile away) but the staph and the host jokes were pretty darn (awful) and good.

  2. This made my morning MUCH better. This is akin to the dead monkey jokes for the science set. You know:

    Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
    Because it was dead.

    Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
    Because it was stapled to the first monkey.

    Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?
    Peer pressure…

    I’ll be annoying my fellow grad students all day with these! Thanks, Maggie.

  3. The hydrogen atom says to the oxygen atom, “Hey buddy, have you seen an electron around here? I seem to have lost mine.”

    “Are you sure you lost it?” the oxygen atom asks.

    And the hydrogen atom says, “I’m positive!”

  4. So an infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.

    The first one orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third, a quarter of a beer. The bartender says “I hate you guys” and pours two beers.

  5. I’m almost certain that’s a laugh track. My students never laugh out loud at my jokes, which are much better ;). They do audibly groan, though.

  6. A Large Hadron Collider walks into a bar. The bartender says “Hey, we don’t serve large hadron colliders in here.”

    The Large Hadron Collider says, “That’s OK. I’m broke, anyway.”

  7. One physics student asks another if he’s getting a lot of work done on his paper.

    He replies, “No.”

  8. A Lichen walks into a bar. The bartender says “we don’t serve your Kind in here.” The Lichen says “that’s O.K., we don’t drink.”

  9. @Maggie – the problem with the staph joke is it only works in the US (and maybe parts of Canada). Whereas the rest of them are equally bad everywhere. (Captcha = “1:45 zingers”, very nice)

  10. A bacterium is trying to enter New Zealand — the customs officer is giving him grief about not having a good reason to enter the country. The bacterium responds “But I heard that New Zealand was a nuclear free zone!”

  11. Heisenberg gets stopped on the motorway by the police.

    Cop: Do you know how fast you were going sir?

    Heisenberg: No, but I know exactly where I am.

  12. My fathers best joke!
    A photon checks into a hotel. The bell hop asks him ” Can I help you with your luggage?” To which the photon replies, “I don’t have any. I’m traveling light.”

  13. A neutron goes into a bar and orders a beer. As the neutron is reaching for its wallet, the bartender looks at it and says, “Oh, for you–no charge.”

  14. @#10:

    It has to be a countable number of mathematicians, not just any old infinite number, if I understand correctly. (?)

  15. Oh my… so, so corny, but I’m still laughing my ass off. Must be some by-product of Heisenberg’s principle. Or not.

  16. A man walks into a pub and asks for a pint of Adenosine Triphosphate. Barman says – That’ll be ATP. (80p – works in the UK ;) )

  17. These are terrific. Every kid who thinks science is boring should see this. But they probably wouldn’t understand it. That’s why the geeks will inherit the earth.

  18. lol’d at the neutrino, but it’s true, the only one ACTUALLY funny is the one with Schrödinger’s cat :P

  19. @#28
    No, it’s the sum of (1/2^n), n=1 to infinity.

    Adding that up, you get 2, so it is infinite mathematicians.

    First few terms = 1 + 1/2 + 1/4 + 1/8…

    (1/2 + 1/4 + 1/8…) as the terms keep going add up to 1, so 1 + 1 = 2, so 2 beers.

  20. He missed one, though:

    The bartender says, “We don’t serve tachyons in here.”
    A tachyon walks into a bar.

  21. A neutron walks into a bar after a long day of work. He orders his beer and after about an hour he gets up to leave. He asks the bartender, “so how much do I owe ya barkeep?” The bartender replies, “for you, no charge.”

  22. Not strictly science but…

    Decartes walks into a bar. The bartender says: Rene! Great to see you! How about a beer?

    Decartes says: I think not. And promptly disappears.

  23. a) these jokes are awesome
    b) I totally spoke the punchline for the neutrino joke out loud just as the guy was saying it. GMTA. Evidently I could also be a groaner-generating professor.. and may yet become one.. (cue Theremin music)

  24. A Higgs Boson walks into a church, and the priest says, “Hey, you can’t come in here! Get out!” The Higgs Boson says, “But how can you have mass without me?”

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