Achtung! TSA!

Oleg Volk has a smashing new TSA checkpoint warning side: Achtung! TSA breast-groping ahead!

Achtung, TSA!


  1. TSA: Testicular Screening Area

    Things overheard:

    Yup, thats a lump.
    Have your balls descended sir?
    Clean shaven today too!
    Why yes I am the Uni- baller…
    So, come here often?
    What time you get off?
    Don’t worry, some shrinkage is normal.
    That was fun.

    I want to see on the news some parents getting in trouble because the kid yelled ‘stranger danger’

  2. We need designs for t-shirts to wear when flying – not insulting, but humorously enough to disconcert the groper – “You touch my junk and I’ll sue!” “Touch me below this line and you will meet resistance”.

    Ideas please.

  3. Oh, singing ACDC’s song Big Balls would be so funny but I can’t condone the detention time such an act might cause

  4. Oof! Suits *you* sir!

    How about Pedobear wearing a TSA uniform? Tell us on the doll where the nice TSA screener touched you.

  5. Hey guys, hey guys, I’ve just come up with this utterly brilliant idea, check this out. We get this law passed, OK, that says that, yeah, TSA can grope you all they want, but you are guaranteed a happy ending (as in the massage parlor sense) if you want it. You don’t have to have it, but you get it on demand.

  6. Ok look. We get it. I hate the TSA. You all hate the TSA. They are bloated, poorly run, clueless, and missing the point. Great. Awesome. Now can we PLEASE stop talking about it ad nauseum. Please? Isn’t there something more interesting to talk about?

    I think it’s a gross violation of privacy, sure, this whole back scatter thing and this whole pat down thing. There I’m done bitching, that was easy, and I don’t care enough to DO ANYTHING about it so I’ll find something else to talk about.

    Honestly…touch my dick TSA, go ahead, do it. I don’t care, it’s not a big deal, it’s a F@#$ING PENIS, like billions of other penises. I touch it all the time, and let other people touch it regularly when the reward is alot less enticing than an awesome week-long trip that I’ll get to take if I let the TSA guy do it. Or, you know, just walk through the scanner instead of whining like a 5 year old.

    What is happening here is there was a topic vacuum. The web community needed something to blow out of proportion after they got bored of the oil spill (which was not blown out of proportion, it actually sucked that much). Look, getting your dick touched or vaguely looked at? Not on the same scale. Not at all. GET. OVER. IT.

    Or don’t. You know, whatever. If you really need to talk about it so much, quit sitting on your fat ass that you are ashamed of getting scanned and start a petition, or start a community or a protest. Then, do us all a favor and stop talking about it on every damn website there is thanks bye.

    1. Yeah, let’s get back to arguing cars vs bikes, or funny cat videos. This whole erosion of civil liberties thing is boring.

    2. Remember when it *wasn’t* OK for a government agency to look at or touch your genitals? Oh, those were halcyon days!

      Don’t get me wrong. When I fly, I want to be safe and nobody is better equipped to do that than the gov’t. The problem is that these machines DO NOT keep anyone safe. They’re security theatre writ large, and by using them you’re just taking part in a huge farce designed to give the illusion of security.

      So yes, BB editors, please keep posting anti-TSA and anti-backscatter posts. Maybe if enough people complain they’ll realize that nobody’s being fooled and have to invest in *real* security measures.

    3. If you had been a victim of sexual abuse, or were a transgendered person, you might feel differently. You’re correct though, straight males are affected the least by the policy… which makes it all the better when you go on about how the rest of us should just put up with it and shut up.

    4. kamiikoneko, there are plenty of other ways for you to spend your online time if the content of this blog is currently more focused on something you have moved on from.

      I think it’s great that you don’t mind your family jewels pawed at by the Transportation Sex-offender Agenda, but seriously, did you expect us all to suddenly be okay with this in light of your revelation?

      As to what is more interesting now – come on! This gets a lot of folks riled up for good reason. Isn’t this the same America that lost it’s collective shit over an exposed breast during halftime of some big football game?

      Every other kind of privacy has been eliminated, there’s very little left of ourselves that we have a choice about sharing with the world. The fact that the powers that be are trying to breach these last few barriers should have you wondering just how far they plan on taking this.

      And if you don’t care, don’t stick around, because it’s just getting started.

  7. I’ve had an odd thought, but I’ll throw it out to the Happy Mutants hereabouts in hopes it’s a viable idea that can take root in someone’s noggin : civil disobedience vs. the porno scanner by simply (and quickly) disrobing and walking through naked.

    Has it been done yet?

    It would require a rather cavalier attitude towards nudity and, I would imagine, flexible travel plans… but with the heavy travel of an upcoming holiday weekend could well generate a lot of bemused news coverage.

    Something along the lines of ‘why do they want to see you naked but they don’t want anyone else to’ could derail a terrorism connection already regarded as specious. And its not as though the person involved is in any way obstructing the procedure. A reference in an interview to the difficulties posed by pleated clothing (about which I believe I read on BB yesterday) could have people wondering if pretty soon nudity would be mandatory.

    *shrug* Full disclosure – I’m not traveling this holiday weekend and doubt I would be in a position to ever personally attempt this.

  8. Someone needs to post large sings (like the one below) at all airports check points


  9. So..if a male traveler gets a hard on being screened by a male TSA agent..does that mean he’s gay? (NTTAWWT)

    We could be seeing for the first time in history, a government body bringing millions out of the closet..

    1. I think the more interesting question is what happens if the TSA screener encounters a person who is sporting an erection. Do they proceed? Or do they get so wigged out they just wave the guy through?

      I propose someone wrap a cucumber in foil and stick it down their pants to test it.

  10. I’m not a criminal, never have been, and will not allow myself to be subjected to scans which violate my 4th Amendment rights:

    “The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.”

    My wife has also stated that any TSA agent touches her, she will sue for sexual assault.

    I give up no rights by buying a plane ticket and neither did you. The TSA is not exempt from adhering to the Bill of Rights or Constitution and will adhere to them, either in the airport or in the Courts.

    1. The problem is, Anon, the airlines are private businesses. If they really want to make this sort of inspection a requirement for boarding, then as long as they aren’t being discriminatory about it your only real recourse is to vote with your wallet and decline to patronize them.

      The precaution really is out of all proportion to the risk.

      Every time we overreact, the terrorists win a round.

  11. I must admit, something along these lines does tempt me unduly to consider a bit of sticker-graffiti…

  12. I have to fly to the US next may, and man, am I looking forward to it. I guess if I give the TSA wankers any trouble about their molesting, as a foreigner they´re probably going to ban me permanently from entering your lovely country.

    Does anyone have experience about dealing with the screenings as a non-US citizen?

  13. “Halloween Jack
    Hey guys, hey guys, I’ve just come up with this utterly brilliant idea, check this out. We get this law passed, OK, that says that, yeah, TSA can grope you all they want, but you are guaranteed a happy ending (as in the massage parlor sense) if you want it. You don’t have to have it, but you get it on demand.”

    I approve this message!

    I think people ought to drop Viagara before being fondled by TSA. If enough people get a boner and girls act like they are orgasming when being ‘fondled’, they might rethink their policy of groping people in the name of security.

  14. Why aren’t people calling this BushTSA, or Bushsecurity. You know that heath insurance reform can only thrown out if it is labled “Obamacare” because, well that President is just trying to take away our freedom!!

  15. They aren’t taking your rights away. You’re just declining to exercise them, as you agree to do so that they will allow you to get on their planes. Flying isn’t a goddamn right. As technogeek says, as long as they don’t break any laws, airlines and the people who provide security for them can request you do whatever they want if you want to fly. They could mandate a cavity search. Sure, not very many people would fly, but it would be perfectly within their rights to do so.

    You may feel your rights are being violated, but, simply put, your rights can’t be violated when you don’t exercise them. You have the right to not be subjected to unreasonable search and seizure. What the TSA is doing is perfectly reasonable as far as a customer is concerned, because you are consenting to the search. If you weren’t consenting to be searched, it would be a big deal, but you are giving at the very least implicit consent when step into the checkpoint knowing the security procedures that are certainly going to be used on you and probably give explicit consent when you buy your ticket.

    The people who seem to believe that what the TSA is doing is unconstitutional are, really sorry I need to say this, trolling. Why else would you post anonymously? :D

    It is worth looking at the people with the ultimate control over this situation: airlines. Unless the government owns and makes decisions for all the airlines, they can change the TSA PDQ. They just need to send a letter to DHS explaining that the airlines will not run with the TSA in it’s current form. If the TSA is not reformed, all the airlines that service America will strike. If the federal government doesn’t concede, tourism in the US will die and millions of people will be outraged. Granted, they won’t do this until they don’t make any money anyway. So how about, instead of coming up with faux-witticisms and stuffing dildos down our pants, you boycott public flying until they clean this shit up. I guarantee your smart-ass remarks aren’t going to do as much as not giving money to the people who permit the TSA to operate their security.

    1. Are you a lawyer in real life or just on the interwebs?

      Kent v. Dulles, 357 U.S. 116 (1958) at 125-126:
      “The right to travel is a part of the `liberty’ of which the citizen cannot be deprived without due process of law under the Fifth Amendment. . . . Freedom of movement across frontiers in either direction, and inside frontiers as well, was a part of our heritage. Travel abroad, like travel within the country, . . . may be as close to the heart of the individual as the choice of what he eats, or wears, or reads. Freedom of movement is basic in our scheme of values.”

    2. There have been some comments about suing TSA for assault, but my understanding is that people are consenting to be touched. That is not assault. Has anyone been told they can’t leave the airport without being groped?

  16. @anon37: They aren’t calling it Bushecurity, because this stuff has happened as much under Obama as it did under Bush, considering the ratio of time each has spent in office so far.

    In any case, this isn’t a conservative, liberal thing, this is an eroding our [natural] rights thing. Dems and Repubs have the same interests, or lack thereof, here. They want to get re-elected. You get re-elected by having lots of money, not by taking a stand on personal or states rights. You get lots of money by catering to big business. Seeing as they are both essentially corporate lackies, they don’t really give a damn about anything other than making life good for big business.

    1. Exactly right, it’s not called Bushsecurity because President Obama could end this silliness in 5 minutes with one phone call.

  17. Why don’t we start calling the scanners “The Microwave”? It’ll stick and make people even more reluctant to get in it.

  18. re: kamiikoneko

    gaah – just the fact that you’re saying “go ahead touch my penis” shows how little you understand the reason people are upset.

    It’s not about your penis. It’s about the rights of every individual – regardless of their gender, age, personal standard of modesty, or potential abuse history to have the right to govern what happens to their own body.

  19. If we boycott air travel, won’t the airlines force the TSA to come up with less invasive alternatives? Or is the idea of taking the bus more abhorrent than getting felt up against your will?

  20. I know it’s off-topic, but really, why would he? What does he have to gain by pissing off his deputies? I know the obvious argument is that this is pissing off his constituents and therefore will cause them to not vote for him. I seriously doubt that this is a turning point issue for the majority of voters, as awful as that sounds.

    Obama’s administration isn’t exactly the champion of freedom and transparency he claimed it would be, in any case. If we elected him in the hope that he would prioritize fixing our war situation and help stop the atrocious, literally, practices of our intelligence and security agencies, we got misled an incredibly amount.

    The point being: the US government has decided that security is always worth human rights being violated. Don’t expect it to change with a phone call.

  21. A couple days ago someone was detained because they refused both the scan and the pat-down. He left after being told that he was going to get something like $10k worth of fines. He checked their site and was misled about whether the procedures were being practiced at his airport yet.

    There’s a post about it a few pages back.

  22. Airports can opt out of the TSA security umbrella:

    This would be a good way to start ending this idiocy, one airport at a time. Imagine if a critical mass of the large airports – say, in NY, LA and the hub cities like Houston and Chicago – kick the TSA out. There’s no way the molestation policy would survive that.

    So call the city officials and airport officials. Pressure them to get rid of the TSA. And while you’re at it, introduce them to the airline security procedures Israel uses:–what-israel-can-teach-us-about-security

  23. I take this opportunity to restate my intention of not travelling to the US in the foreseeable future. Me and my fat wallet is staying well outside of that continent all together methinks..

  24. I think the Airlines themselves (or their conscientious passengers) should post the following throughout airports and before entering ticket counters since most CEO of the major carriers have silently condoned TSA’s aggressive searches of the flying public:





  25. Thank you Blaatann…but please email the representatives of the states you would have visited, and tell them approximately how much money you would have spent.

    I emailed my senator and told her that the $5000 I usually spend each year coming home on vacation with my family will be instead spent in Australia. I won’t be coming back to have my wife and child felt up by some TSA maggot.

  26. “Any society that would give up a little liberty to gain a little security will deserve neither and lose both.” – Benjamin Franklin

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