The Union Bank of Switzerland has released a new, 43-page dress-code for employees in four test branches that specifies things like what color underwear you're allowed to wear (underwear that matches your flesh-tones); what kind of tie-knot you're allowed to have (one suited to the "morphology" of your face); prohibitions on new shoes, millimetre-specific fingernail length requirements; and the dictum that any scent must be applied as soon as you leave the shower and no later. The code is meant to help restore confidence in UBS, which was a central player in the reckless, planet-destroying subprime gambling spree. If the code is "successful," all employees will be subjected to it.
"Light makeup consisting of foundation, mascara and discreet lipstick ... will enhance your personality," the code says, while advising women not to wear black nail polish and nail art.
The hair-care section notes studies have shown that properly cared-for hair and a stylish haircut "increase an individual's popularity."
On the other hand, designer stubble is out of the question for men, as is excessive facial hair.UBS's advice for men even extends to underwear, which should be of good quality and easily washable, but still remain undetectable. Black knee-high socks are preferable as they prevent showing bare skin when crossing legs, it says.
: From the comments, SimonBarsinister
Page 43. Code 4763:
Socks will have a single gold threading along the front seam.
Page 43. Code 4764:
Finally, Please refrain from investing in worthless financial instruments, falsifying the credit worthiness of those instruments, burying those worthless instruments in complex derivatives to hide their valueless state, selling those worthless instruments to other institutions and government entities, and maneuvering government entities into absorbing the cost of these worthless financial instruments.
Codes 1-4763 are mandatory and must be obeyed at all times as a condition of employment at UBS. Code 4764 is optional but recommended.
Dress to Impress, UBS Tells Staff
(via Lowering the Bar)
Lax enforcement from the SEC has allowed the biggest companies in America — 90 percent of the companies in the S&P 500, led by the faltering energy sector — to ignore the “Generally Accepted Accounting Principles” (GAAP) in presenting their financial information to investors, manufacturing nonexistent profits in quarters where they suffer punishing losses.
I have a first-world problem: I stay in a lot of hotels.
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