Jews are the best magicians

A Jewish sorcerer

"The Jews have the greatest powers of sorcery, and they make use of this tool," top Iranian official Mehdi Taeb said last week.

He's right, we do.

"Iranian official: Jews used sorcery against Iran" (Jerusalem Post)

photo by Ransom & Mitchell


  1. Given the etymology of the word, one might expect Persians to be good at magic.

    1. Beat me to it.

      But they’ve been almost completely successful at destroying all that was great in their culture in the name of religion.  I guess I can count my lucky stars that American southerners left the Celtic parts of the UK before deciding to do the same thing.

      The post is missing an aprops link, however.

      1. they’ve been almost completely successful at destroying all that was great in their culture in the name of religion.

        Respectfully, I must disagree.  The great parts were the emphasis on:

        * Work




        and maybe the cooking.  They still have those.

        1. Sure, all the craziness is because their government ignoring what 90% of the population want them to do. Oh wait a minute, that’s our government.

  2. So do can I convert and get the powers immediately or is it a you have to be born into it?

    1. I think its a birthright thing. I’ve been an honorary Jew for years and I still can’t get in to see the 12 Jew Bankers.

    2. To get the really good powers (e.g. creating money out of thin air, controlling the media, placing charms on nubile Aryan girls) you have to attend a school of magic, restricted to those of Jewish ancestry and accessible only via a special subway platform (invisible to the Goyggles) at the Crown Heights – Utica Avenue Station.

      The name of the school, you ask? What else but “Hogschwartz.”

      1.  The name of the school, you ask? What else but “Hogschwartz.”

        I see what you did there, you rascal.

    3. You have to have enough experience points to make a level, announce you’re switching classes, then you can get first level abilities.  You’d have to eschew armor and, depending on the subclass, possibly pork.

  3. “the greatest powers of sorcery” doesn’t seem like a very idiomatic translation of “Jew-fu”; but it gets the point across.

    Seriously, though, I just cannot get inside the heads of people who think that there is some sort of shadowy metaphysical wet-ops dustup going on behind every event(especially when those people also think that a deity of infinite power occassionally gives events a prod, albeit always in strangely minor ways).

    It’s like being a conspiracy theorist; except that the greater powers ascribed to the shadowy enemy make their mediocre success even harder to reconcile, and there are many fewer semi-corroborating revelations(if you qualify as a ‘conspiracy theorist’, you are, by implication, well ahead of the empirically validated; but even if your Rothschild/Gnomes of Zurich/International Money Trust/Zionist Cabal theory of the international capital markets is… under-supported, less dramatic financial conspiracies are daily news. The same is true of political conspiracy wonks, and various other flavors.)

    Sorcery, though? If we postulate that it actually works, and actually works enough to be useful as a super-high-level tool for the international Zionist conspiracy, where are the lower-level sorcery busts? Little league teams getting hexed during the playoffs, drug subs inscribed with runes of protection, that sort of thing…

    1. Am I the only one who associates metaphysics with questions like “are all events effects of causes, or are some events uncaused?” instead of “can the power of the mind cause spoons and forks to fall apart?”

      1. Depends on the context. Given that ‘metaphysics’ spawned from the ‘title given by some editor to his selection of Aristotle stuff that goes after physics’, there’s a certain amount of elasticity.

        In the context of philosophy, I’d certainly associate it with quiddity and essential forms and so forth. In the context of somebody asserting a class of other-than-natural phenomena and techniques, it works there as well.

      1. Jew-do.*

        A Jewish party, of course.

        (*Shamelessly stolen from Alan Davies from some random episode of QI.)

    1.  I was going to say, our Congress is full of people who openly subscribe to, and propagate conspiracy and religious (magic) theories on the floor of congress.

      1. Unsurprising that the same people who decry the Iranians the most also subscribe to Protocols-themed conspiracy.

      2. But don’t you know our magic is better? Because it’s our magic, not some spurious foreigner magic!

        Amerimagic! God saved (missionary-sexing, traditionally gendered) Americans when He sent the Jeezbro to bleed his delightful soul-salve onto our ancestors!

        In order to prevail against all foes and fears foreign and domestic, you need only believe that your spirit’s been dipped in the sanguine life-everlasting ichor of the Son!

        God Bless the United States of America!

        1. “Depending on which book you’re using at the time/ 
          Can’t use theirs, it don’t work/
          It’s all lies, gotta use mine!”

          “We can’t be dumb if we’re just following Gawd’s orders/
          Well let’s get serious, Gawd knows what he’s doing/
          He wrote this book here and the book says, ‘He made us all to be just like him.’/ 
          So If we’re dumb, then Gawd’s dumb/
          And maybe even a little ugly on the side.”

          “Dumb all over, a little ugly on the side.
          Dumb all over, a little ugly on the side.”

  4. In fairness to Mr. Taeb, Harry Houdini was Jewish, and he was a pretty great sorcerer.

  5. The context of the story and an accurate translation is important. Mehdi Taeb was asked why he wasn’t troubled by the continuity errors in his favourite TV shows, and his answer was “a Jew wizard did it.”

  6. We can only hope that an all-out wizard war erupts in the middle east.  At least it’s bound to be safer than one fought with real weapons!

    1.  You may feel differently when some 19 year old corporal screws up on their range and suddenly your entire neighborhood is knee deep in gefilte fish…

  7. When I read through his of-course-we-all-know-this-history claims, it made me think of “Jesus Camp” and A Beka “textbooks”, both in a general way and regarding Jewish history specifically.

    1. And hocus pocus dominocus probably derives from hoc est corpus domini.

    1.  We should give them military robots just for this purpose.  If the Iranians actually believe this stuff about Jewsish Sorcery, it might act as a deterrent.

    2.  The USANs have got the golem situation covered.  In fact they even fly.  Flying goddamn killer robots all over the place.  I guess maybe this is the future after all.

  8. People of (insert ethnic group here) are the best/worst at (insert activity here).  Perfect headline!  Sure to offend a large number of people by making gross generalizations!

          1. Eeeek!  The worst possible mistake!

            What does the first part actually mean?

          2. I doubt a Russian Jew cares much if he’s mistaken for a Polish Jew, so long as he doesn’t live in either place. Such nations are but notional lines on the map of Yiddish civilization.

  9. Around here, we have a neighborhood in Sandy Springs with a mystery cable snaking around on the light posts and telephone poles. This defines an eruv. You’re not supposed to carry stuff around in public on the Sabbath. An eruv takes a major expanse of the great outdoors and defines it to be indoors. That’s some powerful magic, to create a private space in which you can get sunburned and rained on. Moving the outside inside — it’s like an Orthodox Tardis. So I’m down with the whole sorcery thing.

    I would say it takes some powerful Jew Jew. But that would be wrong.

  10. The Jerusalem Post is basically an Israel orientated version of Fox News. If you spend 15 minutes reading their article comments you will find more racism and far right hatred than you can stomach (read an article about Obama, for example). I’m a little disappointed that this horrible newspaper was cited.

    1. Yeah, it’s a tough call.  The JP is as biased as Fox News, but Iran, with ten times the population, has some politicians who are a standard deviation or two crazier.  And the US, four times as large as Iran?  We’ve got people who are too crazy for even Glenn Beck and Alex Jones to take them seriously.

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