Pope endorses wanking, screwing

The Vatican has published a pamphlet called "It's a Sin Not to Do It," in which the Church sanctions masturbation for married women, and urges Catholics to get laid more in general. In an unrelated story, Italy and many other Catholic nations are experiencing negative population growth.

Forty years ago, the Vatican published a notorious set of guidelines for courting Catholics that outlawed even French kissing before marriage.

The pages of It's A Sin Not To Do It, however, feature a frank interview with Cardinal Ersilio Tonini in which he emphasises that "the Church is not an enemy of the flesh". He argues that Vatican doctrine has always defended the "nobility of sexuality", which is regarded by the Church as a "treasure" of humanity.

Another chapter likely to raise eyebrows unearths theological justification for post-coital masturbation for women who fail to achieve orgasm during intercourse.

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(Thanks, Leigh!)