Now that all that election nonsense is behind us, let's get back to what really matters in the world: Prince Charles has seized the British throne in a palace coup, Michael Jackson is having his first grandchild, Tom Cruise has a "$1 billion Doomsday bunker," and U.S. Special Forces have killed a 15-ft tall red-haired giant in Afghanistan.
It's business as usual in this week's factually-challenged tabloids, getting back to the truly important world issues: the love lives of the stars. As the nation draws together in a spirit of post-electoral reconciliation, so the tabloids are hoping that shattered celebrity couples will reunite: The 'National Enquirer' claims that Gwyneth Paltrow wants to "get back with rocker ex" Chris Martin, and also that Drew Barrymore "pleads with her ex to come back." Love is clearly in the air, as the 'Enquirer' reports that Madonna's son Rocco is picking a new mate for his material mother, Prince Harry wants to show American actress girlfriend Meghan Markle his mother's grave because it is his "most cherished place on Earth" (and what girl can resist a romantic trip to a cemetery?) and singer Mariah Carey is recovering after being dumped by fiancé James Packer by partying all over town with a "new boy toy" – though at 33 years old, dancer Bryan Tanaka may not take kindly to such a characterization.
And let's remember: The 'Enquirer' was one of the most vocal supporters of Donald Trump, so if they got that right then maybe the rest of their stories aren't the vacuous drivel they at first appear.
Has Prince Charles seized the throne, as the 'Globe' proclaims on its cover? If you missed the TV images of tanks rolling into Buckingham Palace and armed guards storming Windsor Castle, that's because it never happened. Elizabeth is still Queen of the (unraveling and discordant yet still allegedly) United Kingdom. Amusingly, the 'Globe' reports that Charles has usurped his son in the race for the throne, claiming "Will & Kate stripped of power." But for months the 'Globe' has been the only publication worldwide which has failed to understand that Charles is the Queen's heir and will inherit the crown, and he needs no "palace coup" to remain as next in line for the monarchy. "Queen to be exiled," adds the 'Globe' for good measure, suggesting that she is virtually under lock and key at Balmoral Castle in Scotland. While the Queen loves to holiday at Balmoral each summer, don't expect her to endure a Scottish winter there – which means we can expect future 'Globe' headlines about the Queen overthrowing Prince Charles and escaping her gilded cage. Who writes this stuff?
Is Michael Jackson having his first grandchild, eight years after his death? And who's the proud parent: 19-year-old Prince? Paris, aged 18? Maybe 14-year-old Blanket? None of the above. The father is allegedly Brandon Howard, who claims to have DNA proof that he is the gloved one's son. An unidentified pregnant woman claims that she is carrying Brandon's child – though she still needs to undergo DNA testing to prove Brandon's paternity. Pending DNA testing, this story is the very definition of "half-baked."
Not that the tabloids have forgotten politics in this crucial week. "Hillary's brain is about to EXPLODE!" yells the 'Globe,' reporting that "shocking scans" reveal that "her skull contains a ticking time bomb that could kill her at any moment." Has the 'Globe' team of highly trained medical reporters carefully scrutinized Hillary's brain scans? Of course not. But they did show a doctor the brain scans of another patient "stricken with the same damage Hillary suffered after plunging down a flight of stairs and suffering a serious concussion in 2012." Because that's how the best doctors deliver a prognosis: by looking at the results of other patients' tests. Hillary Clinton and aide Huma Abedin are "Going To Jail!" screams the 'Enquirer' cover, which proudly reports on Vladimir "Putin's spy files" – which must surely be accurate and undoctored – allegedly showing evidence of a cover-up, and raising questions about Clinton's health. Expect more Russian revelations in coming months as the Trump-loving 'National Enquirer' changes its name to the 'National Pravda.'
Has Tom Cruise built a $1 billion doomsday bunker, as the 'Enquirer' reports? Well, the alleged bunker (if it exists) is actually owned by the Church of Scientology, and Cruise has reportedly given the cult $10 million – not exactly $1 billion – in donations, claims the mag. As proof of the supposed bunker's existence, the 'Enquirer' publishes a photo of a small group of houses in the New Mexico desert. Huh? The 'Enquirer' explains: " . . . the vault is masked by houses designed to appear like a suburban neighborhood." Great disguise. The giant nuclear fallout shelter looks just like suburban sprawl. It's such a convincing cover, the story must be true.
As must the 'National Examiner' story about the red-haired giant slain by Special Forces in Afghanistan, after reportedly killing a soldier. This allegedly occurred in 2002, when the 1,100-pound dead "creature" was flown to a U.S. base in Ohio. And there the mystery deepens, because the giant's death was apparently covered up, and there remains no official record of it ever existing. Thank goodness we have the 'Examiner' to preserve the historical record.
'Us' magazine brings us the real-life horror of Kim Kardashian's days living "in fear" following her recent Paris robbery, revealing her "daily therapy, intense security," and the horror of a life in "social media silence." Kim even evaded the paparazzi and entered her sister Kendall Jenner's 21st birthday party by a side door. Oh, the humanity.
Fortunately we have Us magazine's crack investigative team to inform us that Hillary Duff wore it best, actress Italia Ricci carries dill-pickle sunflower seeds, cheap plastic reading glasses and pens stolen from hotels in her Louis Vuitton purse, and that the stars are just like us: they walk their dogs, buy ice, eat pickles and swim with dolphins. Wait, what? Do dolphins really like chilled pickle-eating celebrities? Enquiring minds want to know.
Onwards and downwards . . .