• Hollywood's "most hated woman" in this week's dubious tabloids

    'National Enquirer'

    Johnny Depp's libel suit against his ex-wife continues to dominate Enquiring minds, giving us this week's cover story: "Amber Heard: Most Hated Woman In Hollywood!"

    So much for lending a sympathetic ear to every woman accusing a man of abuse.

    The rag claims that Heard is "Shunned by A-listers! . . . Trashed as toxic liar! . . . Cut from film projects."

    Showing their usual flair for fair and balanced reporting, the 'Enquirer' calls her "haughty," a "bitchy blonde," "greedy gold-digger," and "huffy hottie."

    "Zombie Pete Obeys Kim's Commands!"

    The magazine routinely calls Prince Harry "henpecked," but Pete Davidson is allegedly the helpless voodoo slave of girlfriend Kim Kardashian, who has "truly got her claws into him now and is totally running his life," according to an unnamed insider.

    Sources say "pals worry the funnyman may even give up his lucrative 'SNL' gig, which would put him fully under the sway of Kim and her controlling clan!"

    As if that could ever happen. Oh, wait . . . Davidson quit SNL on the day the 'Enquirer' went to press.

    The tabloid has Haitian spiritual magic on its mind, claiming that Kim's sister Kourtney Kardashian and her Blink-182 rocker husband Travis Barker – kindly described by the rag as a "tattooed scarecrow" – want a "voodoo wedding redo!"

    WIth little in the way of corroborating evidence, the story claims the couple want a "voodoo-style marriage blessing". Perhaps it's not so far-fetched for the couple who reportedly sealed their engagement in January by drinking one another's blood.

    "Meghan's Desperate Makeover!"

    The Duchess of Sussex allegedly "primps, preens and slims down to impress royals," but sadly they only "look away."

    "Manipulative Meghan is pulling out all the stops to make a glam impression while she's in the UK," reports the 'Enquirer,' even though she hasn't even embarked on the trip to Britain yet. What do they expect her to wear: Dollar Store discount bin rejects and off-the-rack fashions from Ross ("Dress for Less!)?

    Will Smith admitted in his 2021 memoir that as a 20-year-old Philadelphia rapper worth $1 million "the only people who can afford to hang with you are other rappers, professional athletes, or drug dealers. I picked drug dealers."

    That leads to this week's "Enquirer Special Investigation," which claims: "Will Smith's Ugly Gang Ties Exposed!"

    But there's no suggestion that slap-happy Smith was part of any criminal street gang, let alone an "affiliate" as the 'Enquirer' claims. The rag reports that charges against Smith for an alleged 1989 assault were dropped after gang members kidnapped his victim's 13-year-old son.

    The 'Enquirer' adds that "there is no suggestion that Will personally knew" about the kidnapping. Why would he?

    'Globe'

    This week's cover is dedicated to a country music legend's sad demise: "Naomi Judd – Autopsy Secrets!"

    Credit where it's due: The 'Globe' did break the story that Judd had taken her own life with a gun. But the fact that Tennessee's Williamson County Sheriff's department has chosen not to release 911 tapes, police reports or witness statements does not necessarily mean that there's a "cover-up" as the 'Globe' claims, but could mean they are simply respecting the family's privacy.

    The 'Globe' further moans that "the family is keeping the location of Naomi's grave . . . under wraps," which is perhaps understandable since the rag's reporters would be trampling all over her final resting place if they could find it.

    "Trump's Hairdo Secret Revealed!"

    It's been revealed before, but the 'Globe' is happy to repeat it years later, claiming that the former president's coif is a combination of "scalp reduction surgery, plenty of hairspray & Just for Men color."

    "Britney Meltdown After Losing Baby."

    What? They expect Britney Spears to be out partying every night after suffering a miscarriage?

    "Harry & Meghan's Silly Sour Grapes"

    Not invited to join the rest of the royal family on the Buckingham Palace balcony while celebrating the Queen's Jubilee next month, Harry and Meghan reportedly insist that their "humiliating absence" from the famed balcony "was their idea."

    Says an unnamed royal insider: "This is sheer nonsense – a laughable attempt to save face." They may have a point.

    The 'Globe' has a regular editorial opinion page, which actually amounts to a weekly spot for celebrity character assassination. This week's target is "Pompous Prince Harry" under the headline: "Whatta joke! No Sweat Harry Fears Burnout!"

    The prince recently expressed his concern that he might "burn out" while fighting to improve the world – he actively campaigns for environmental and mental health issues – but the 'Globe' hits out: "You have to work hard to burn out – and have an actual job instead of playing polo!"

    Oh, those wags.

    'People'

    Hollywood veteran Jeff Bridges is this week's cover story, telling of his health crisis: "Covid During Chemo . . . I Was Close to Dying."

    Diagnosed with cancer and weakened by chemotherapy, the actor nearly died of coronavirus before pulling through, embracing life, and saying: "Love is the deal."

    Of course. There's no point going through a life-changing experience if you can't come out the other end offering 'People' mag some life-affirming aphorism dripping with positivity.

    Bridges apparently recovered from covid thanks to "convalescent plasma," using blood from people who have already recovered from the virus.

    And the tabs think Kourtney Kardashian and Travis Barker are crazy for drinking each other's blood?

    'Us Weekly'

    Julianne Hough is this week's midriff-baring cover girl, revealing: "My Best Body!"

    Her best body is, unsurprisingly, the same one she's had for the past 33 years. She's the face of the rag's annual summer "diet and workout tips" issue, offering advice from stars including Beyoncé, Lily James, Megan Fox, J. Lo, Jessica Biel, Megan Thee Stallion, Shawn Mendes, Halle Berry, Jennifer Aniston, David Beckham and Kim Kardashian – and the chances are that not a single one of them actually spoke with the magazine.

    Thankfully we have the crack investigative team at 'Us Weekly' to tell us that Kelsea Ballerini wore it best, that Bethenny Frankel makes "superb scrambled eggs," and that the stars are just like us: they chat on their phones, get food to go, and paddleboard with their siblings. It's practically designed to make you feel bad about yourself if you haven't paddleboarded with a sibling lately.

    Elsewhere in the tabs . . .

    'In Touch'

    Kourtney Kardashian and Travis Barker's "Wedding Joy and Drama" takes the cover, telling how their "'Magical' Weekend Almost Goes Horribly Wrong."

    Sister Khloé Kardashian allegedly broke down and fled the wedding reception, while family matriarch and 'momager' Kris Jenner reportedly got "wasted."

    'Life & Style'

    "Princess Kate" is this week's cover girl, which should already tip you off that this isn't strictly kosher, since Kate isn't a princess at all, but only a Duchess.

    Nevertheless, she is apparently telling her favorite tabloid: "Lessons I learned From the Queen." I'm sure the 'Life & Style' staff had a great sit-down interview with the Duchess of Cambridge, who reportedly talks about her "royal duties, managing anxiety, and the secret to a happy marriage."

    It probably involves not talking to the tabloids.

    'Ok!'

    The magazine quietly slipped off the newsstands and into the history books this month, becoming the first of the troubled major celebrity glossy magazines to succumb to falling circulation. The rag will now only appear irregularly to offer occasional special issues, though an avatar will endure online. This week, however, there's just a gap on the newsstands where it once sat.

    Onwards and downwards . . .

  • Kamala Backstabs Biden in last week's dubious tabloids

    'National Enquirer'

    "War In The White House!" Screams last week's cover story. "Kamala Stabs Biden In Back!"

    Just in case you hadn't noticed, there's a soap opera's worth of violence, betrayal and scheming going on at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

    Vice President Harris "is at Biden's throat and determined to bring him down," claims the rag, allegedly because the president is "planning to dump her from the 2024 presidential ticket."

    Harris is reportedly "absolutely furious" to have been "saddled with near-impossible tasks" like fixing the Mexican border issue – which should be a breeze after Jared Kushner solved the Middle East crisis – and her staff are allegedly slamming Biden as "a doddering, senile laughingstock."

    Politics as usual.

    "Clooney Goes Loony For Amal's Sexy new Look!"

    Accomplished and independent human rights lawyer Amal Clooney puts on some makeup, has her hair done and wears a body-hugging red dress, and the 'Enquirer' calls it a "$3 million makeover" that has saved their marriage. Right. Because appearance is more important than character.

    "Clown Prince Harry In Hot Water Again!"

    The Prince filmed a YouTube ad for his sustainable travel project Travelyst, that the 'Enquirer' deems a slap in the face to the Royal Family because it's yet another of his and Meghan's "shameless attempts to cash in on their connection to the crown."

    Except while Harry's certainly raising his public profile he's not exactly trying to cash in – Travelyst is a non-profit charity trying to transform the travel industry with more ecologically beneficial vacation planning.

    Harry is also accused of insulting New Zealand's native tribes by using the Maori word "kaupapa" in the video, which apparently means work for public good.

    The Enquirer doesn't even bother quoting any unnamed sources in New Zealand, but simply states that Harry is "exploiting their culture to advance his own PR agenda." Their sources, it turns out, come from British newspaper The Daily Mail quoting unnamed Twitter users.

    "Baby Formula Shortage Puts Kids At Risk!"

    You think?

    "Adele Is Rolling Deep In The Dumps!"

    The singer's boyfriend, sports agent Rich Paul, missed Adele's 34th birthday, instead hanging out with client LeBron James in Miami. The 'Enquirer' says it's a sign she's about to be dumped. Others might say that Paul was working.

    'Globe'

    The magazine has been predicting the divorce of Barack and Michelle Obama for years, so far without success, so you can sense their delight in their latest cover story: "Michelle Falls For Race Car Driver, 37!"

    The former First Lady is photographed hugging race car driver Lewis Hamilton, with a caption that clearly indicates they've been caught red-handed: "Gotcha!"

    But this was no clandestine embrace. They were out in public before hundreds of witnesses at a practice session before the Miami Grand Prix at the Miami International Autodrome.

    The duo had an animated conversation that both appeared to enjoy, but leave it to the 'Globe' to say: "They looked like a loving couple," and claim that the former First Lady "is playing Russian roulette with her shaky marriage."

    "Failing Meghan Erases Her Past!"

    Not exactly.

    Duchess Meghan and Prince Harry's animated series 'Pearl' was cancelled by Netflix while still in development, and the website for her production company Archewell has removed mention of the show.

    That's Meghan erasing her past, according to the 'Globe.'

    "Putin's Greatest Hits!"

    No, the Russian prime minister is not secretly topping the charts with a clandestine singing career, or appearing in the next season of The Masked Singer. It's a catalogue of Russian oligarchs who allegedly "got on the wrong side" of Putin and were "slaughtered under suspicious circumstances."

    "Nicole's Funky Face Freaks Out Fans!"

    Frivolous "Fs" flying furiously freely as the alliteration-loving 'Globe' challenges Nicole Kidman's claim that "she's never gone under the knife," after unnamed fans – perhaps those sitting in the 'Globe' editorial office? – declare her "unrecognizable."

    A cosmetic surgeon who has never treated Kidman explains: "No doubt she has had surgery".

    These words, "no doubt" – I do not think they mean what you think they mean.

    'People'

    After years of Hollywood success (let's not mention 'Cats') without worrying about her weight, Australian comic actress Rebel Wilson's 80-pound slim-down over the past two years makes her this week's cover girl declaring: "It was time to change."

    She explains that it wasn't societal pressure to conform to unrealistic stereotypical cultural body standards that prompted her reduction, but the result of being told by a doctor that it would be harder to conceive a child if she remained overweight.

    Yes, she's living her best life now, as is everyone in 'People' mag. Except she still hasn't had a baby.

    "Hate & Terror in Buffalo – 'This Is Pure Evil.'" Ten people die in a mass shooting, warranting four pages in the mag that devoted six pages to Rebel Wilson, clearly getting its editorial priorities straight.

    Singer Bobby Brown, who lost daughter Bobbi Kristina in 2013 and son Bobby Jr in 2020, sees them laughing in his dreams, and says: "That's enough for a father to feel like God has them."

    Presumably because God is the network programming chief our dreams.

    "Michelle Dockery & Elizabeth McGovern – Downtime With a Downton Duo."

    After playing mother and daughter on TV's 'Downton Abbey' for more than a decade, the two actresses feel like "proper family."

    They adored one another from the first, formed a "quite emotional" friendship, and are both addicted to 'The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills,' they reveal.

    'Us Weekly'

    'Top Gun: Maverick' star Tom Cruise dominates this week's front page: "Inside Tom's Private World – Scientology, Surgery & Turning 60."

    It's yet another cover story without interviewing the subject.

    He has apparently "turned his back on Hollywood for England" because people in the street react to him more positively there, is highly competitive with Brad Pitt and fellow Scientologist John Travolta, and allegedly has "bizarre dating rules," which amount to wanting a romantic partner "in tune with his beliefs and philosophies." How bizarre is that?

    Thankfully we have the crack investigative team at 'Us Weekly' to tell us that Katrina Bowden wore it best (and feel some pity for Rumer Willis, who wore her Rachel Parcell knitted dress like a sack of potatoes and garnered a dismal 4 per cent of readers' sympathy votes), that country singer Trace Adkins thinks "cats are a**holes," and that the stars are just like us: they shop for groceries, eat pizza, go jogging and get their nails done. And are stalked by paparazzi while doing it.

    Elsewhere in the tabloids . . .

    'Life & Style'

    Recently liberated from years under court conservatorships, Britney Spears and Amanda Bynes share this week's cover: "Britney & Amanda – Struggling With Freedom. Nude selfies, drug binges & breakdowns."

    The rag takes its usual sympathetic ands supportive look at the duo.

    "Britney's blowing $80,000 a week," claims the rag. "Cops rush to Amanda's house after 911 call."

    But Spears earned every penny that she's now free to spend. And there was not one 911 call but two from Bynes home, as both she and fiancé Paul Michael both called police as a domestic argument brewed. Hours later the couple were spotted kissing while running errands, suggesting that after accusing one another of drug abuse all had been forgotten and forgiven after Michael's drug test came back clean.

    'In Touch'

    The Kardashian matriarch and momager is this week's cover girl: "Kris Jenner's Dirtiest Secrets Revealed! Robbery, Abuse & A Fatal Car Crash."

    She allegedly "leaked Kim's sex tape for $1 million!", "Demands O.J. & Khloé get DNA test!" and "Tried to stop Kourtney & Travis' Wedding!"

    Because that's what a mother's love looks like.

    Onwards and downwards . . .

  • "Humiliated Meghan" in this week's dubious tabloids

    'National Enquirer'

    The Royal soap opera continues to entertain the tabloids, with this week's 'Enquirer' cover story screaming: "Humiliated Meghan Cancelled By Hollywood! Diva dreams turn total nightmare!"

    Netflix has cancelled the animated series 'Pearl' being developed by Prince Harry and Duchess Meghan as part of their reported $100 million deal with the streaming service, and all their other shows "are facing the chopping block" according to an unnamed insider.

    Netflix has issued a statement emphasising their continued support for the royal couple and their production slate, so that's probably the kiss of death to the entire deal.

    "Johnny & Amber Flunk Lie Tests!"

    No, Johnny Depp and Amber Heard didn't sit down and strap in for a polygraph. The 'Enquirer' ran audio of their libel suit's courtroom testimony through a "DecepTech" lie detector, which sounds like something that might be given away in a pack of cornflakes, but allegedly diagnosed that "both battling exes aren't telling total truth."

    Science at its very best.

    The love life of Rolling Stones frontman Mick Jagger, aged 78, continues to fascinate the 'Enquirer,' which reports: "Mick's Got His Flirt On Again!"

    Jagger is still with his lover of eight years, former ballerina Melanie Hamrick,, aged 35, but a source claims "he still can't resist checking out the chicks!"

    Apparently written by a journalist who last spoke to a breathing female in 1983.

    'Globe'

    Breaking with years of tradition, the 'Globe' appears to have a real story on its cover . . . if it's true.

    "Naomi Judd Suicide Cover-Up Exposed!" Yells the headline. "Country queen, 76, shot herself!"

    That counts as a decent (if invasive) scoop if it's accurate. Judd's suicide after struggling with mental illness has been previously reported, but it was unknown how she took her own life.

    "Monroe's Mortician Tells All."

    Undertaker Allan Abbott reveals that Marilyn Monroe was looking aged, bloated, and the roots of her hair were showing when she turned up on his slab in 1962.

    But he said all this in his memoir, 'Pardon My Hearse,' published in 2015 and widely reported at the time.

    It was also the year that Abbott died, but seven years later he "tells all" to the Globe, apparently from beyond the grave. Have the 'Globe' reporters resorted to doing interview via a Ouija board? Or perhaps the editorial staff has only recently learned to read?

    "Cancer Op For Paranoid Putin."

    You would expect the 'Globe' crack geopolitical reporting team to have the exclusive story on Putin going under the knife for cancer, and the tabloid doesn't disappoint.

    But the rag surprisingly has no idea what form of cancer the Russian president is facing, and admits that he hasn't even had surgery, but merely "agreed to go under the knife in the near future." Right.

    "Did Carrie FIsher's Ghost Doom Dan's Marriage?"

    One can only hope that the answer to that question is a resounding "Yes!"

    'Ghostbusters' star Dan Aykroyd's wife of 39 years Donna has reportedly left him, and the late 'Star Wars' princess is apparently to blame, because she was allegedly "the real love of his life."

    Can't argue with the facts, especially where ghosts and a Ghostbuster are involved.

    'People'

    Actress Selma Blair is this week's cover girl, revealing: "How I Survived Addiction & Abuse."

    As she struggles to live with multiple sclerosis, Blair talks in her new memoir about "drinking from age 7, an eating disorder and sexual abuse."

    It's a wonder she survived, revealing: "I came home from elementary school and more often than not I cracked open a beer before starting my homework."

    Maybe worth trying as an alternative to Adderall.

    She was sexually assaulted by a teacher in high school, and "when I wasn't in class, I drank," and lived "with reckless behavior," she confesses.

    But Blair concludes: "I'm still here . . . and I'm okay," though that may not be everyone's definition of "okay."

    "Marilyn Monroe – Unheard Tapes."

    A cache of vintage interviews "sheds new light on the star's haunting death," claims the mag. But the interviews aren't with Monroe.

    They are chats with more than 650 sources for author Anthony Summers' 1985 book 'Goddess: The Secret Lives of Marilyn Monroe.'

    In other words, the best material in these interviews all came out 37 years ago, and Summers is just trying to cash in on them again, using them as the basis for a new Netflix documentary.

    Repeated are all the ancient allegations: Hollywood private eye Fred Otash claiming that he secretly recorded Monroe and JFK making love; Bobby Kennedy possibly visiting Monroe in her final hours; and sources claiming Monroe's apparent suicide was a murder covered up by powerful forces.

    As ever in the tabloids, what's old is new again.

    'Us Weekly'

    Jennifer Garner dominates this week's cover: "Jen's Engagement Shock – New Ring, Big Trouble!"

    The mag claims that Jennifer Garner is engaged, and that she and ex-husband Ben Affleck are "racing to the altar." Not with each other, of course; they are racing to beat one other to the altar with their respective new loves.

    Garner has been wearing a diamond ring since November, igniting engagement speculation, and nothing has been confirmed since then, but 'Us Weekly' decided to swing for the fences anyway.

    Friends are allegedly "warning her to take it slow."

    Garner should sue over the unflattering cover photo.

    Thankfully we have the crack investigative team at 'Us Weekly' to tell us that Danai Gurira wore it best (a rare defeat for Emily Ratajkowski), that '2 Broke Girls' alum Beth Bears loves "a good fart joke," and that the stars are just like us: they watch live sports, walk their dogs, go shopping and grab coffee to go.

    Elsewhere in the tabloids:

    'Life & Style'

    Kim Kardashian says: "Kanye's Making My Life Hell!" Except she is unlikely to have ever spoken with the rag, and anyone who reads the tabloids has seen this story floated a dozen times over the past six months.

    'In Touch'

    "Johnny & Amber's House of Horrors."

    The most sensational highlights of Depp and Heard's courtroom testimony in their race-to-the-bottom libel lawsuit are regurgitated: "Drugs, Violence & Dungeon' Role-Playing."

    Onwards and downwards . . .

  • Duchess Meghan and Donald Trump battle for the White House in this week's dubious tabloids

    'National Enquirer'

    Combining American politics with British royalty is a tabloid wet dream, and this week the presidential ambitions of two alleged contenders for the White House dominate the 'Enquirer' front page: "Why Trump's Trashing Harry & Meghan!"

    Donald Trump allegedly wants to kill any aspiration that Prince Harry's wife Meghan might have of making herself at home in the Oval Office. He reportedly doesn't want another charismatic rival, after Michelle Obama is also supposedly musing a run for the presidency.

    Trump told British commentator Piers Morgan that Harry had insulted the Queen, and calls him "whipped" by Meghan.

    And the royal couple's hiring of Barack Obama's reelection guru Miranda Barbot is interpreted as an unequivocal indication that Meghan has her sights set on 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

    Hard to argue with facts and logic, especially where Trump is involved.

    "Streep's Addicted – To Housewives!"

    Oscar winner Meryl Streep isn't hooked on crack or cocaine (at least, not that we know of) but apparently she has an insatiable craving for 'The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.' At least she's a functioning addict.

    "VA Stabs Our Heroes In The Back!"

    The 'Enquirer' claims that the Veterans Administration is plagued by "bribery, fraud and shoddy services." Shameful as these allegations might be, they've been levelled against the VA many times over many years. It's what qualifies a public service reporting for the 'Enquirer,' whose opinion obviously holds great sway over the governmental agency.

    'Globe'

    "Bill Clinton, 75, At Death's Door!" reports the cover story.

    Is the former president confined to bed, unable to walk, barely able to breathe?

    No. He was photographed last month at a public event in New York reportedly looking "wasted, weak & struggling to stand."

    Yet photographs show him looking far from "gaunt and emaciated," despite the Globe's claims to the contrary, and he clearly walked to the stage and delivered a speech without needing oxygen bottles, a nurse or a wheelchair

    A doctor who hasn't examined Clinton gave his professional diagnosis: "He looks terrible!"

    Right. Call the undertaker.

    "Gwyn Hiring Guru For Change of Life Sex!"

    Gwyneth Paltrow is allegedly hiring a "mentor" to help her "rebrand" menopause as an exciting "new chapter" in life. Sounds like she needs to hire a marketing guru.

    "MacKenzie: I Bed Mamas & Papas!"

    MacKenzie Phillips claims that she was raped by her father, Mama & Papas singer John Phillips. This might be more shocking if she hadn't previously confessed in 2009 to having had a ten-year consensual sexual relationship with her dad.

    "Hard Times For Harry!"

    The 'Globe' employed a "body language expert" to study Harry and Meghan's interactions at the Invictus Games in The Hague last month, who found Meghan "pitch-perfect" in her affection and excitement toward her husband, which must have come as something of a disappointment to the editorial team.

    But that doesn't stop them from finding the worst in her unspoken gestures.

    Because Meghan hitched up her shoulder to keep a handbag strap in place while shaking hands, the body language expert accuses her of "mimicking the late Princess Diana." Just like every other Diana-copying woman who ever wore a shoulder-bag, one imagines.

    So why does the 'Globe' call it "hard times" for Harry? He was allegedly "unable to hide his inner sadness in the days immediately after meeting his frail granny, Queen Elizabeth".

    Or could it be that he appeared sombre after spending days meeting wounded and disabled former servicemen, while under pressure to produce his coming Netflix series 'Heart of Invictus?'

    "Is This Bigfoot?"

    The 'Globe' asks if a blurred white blob pictured on a thermal camera is a 300-pound Sasquatch romping through a Washington forest. Or could it just have been an overweight hunter? Which is the more likely?

    'People'

    Naomi Judd is this week's cover story: "A Country Queen's Tragic Death." The mag concludes that mental illness sucks.

    "Minnie Driver: What I've Learned."

    It's almost insulting that everything Minnie Driver has learned can be condensed into four short paragraphs. She admits having to "fight really hard for every job I ever got," and that "learning to communicate is the biggest, greatest part about getting older."

    "The Who's Pete Townshend – Confessions of a Rock and Roll Survivor."

    He tried to save Keith Moon from himself, suffered PTS after 11 people died at a Cincinnati concert in 1979, and takes comfort in being sober "one day at a time." At the age of 76, he must frequently reflect on the irony of decades ago writing the lyrics: "Hope I die before I get old."

    'Us Weekly'

    Prince William and Duchess Kate's seven-year-old daughter Princess Charlotte is this week's cover girl, with the dubious headline in quotes: "One Day I'll Be Queen."

    No, she won't. And she never said that.

    Charlotte is fourth in line to the throne, just as Prince Edward once was, and look how well that turned out for him. Is Edward King? Of course not, and Charlotte's chances of ever becoming Queen are slim, as she'd have to orchestrate the deaths of her grandfather Prince Charles, her father Prince William, and her older brother Prince George before she could wear the crown.

    Or is 'Us Weekly' suggesting that the seven-year-old is plotting to kill her way to the throne?

    Her best window of opportunity to push George under a bus will probably arrive when he is aged 16 to 22, before he settles down and starts producing heirs, but once he's married and popping our mini-royals it's game over for Charlotte.

    She's allegedly "top of her class & speaks four languages."

    Right. Perhaps she can say "Let them eat cake in four languages," but is she really fluent in four languages at the age of seven? Incroyable.

    Thankfully we have the crack investigative team at 'Us Weekly' to tell us that Christa B. Allen wore it best, that 'Stargirl' actress Amy Smart has "a huge gong that's tuned to the frequency of Jupiter," and that the stars are just like us: they wear headphones, do yard work, and eat healthy food. Because they live such interesting lives.

    Elsewhere in the tabloids:

    'OK!' magazine

    "Jen Finally Moves On." Seventeen years after what the rag calls her "humiliating divorce" from Brad Pitt, the mag is finally acknowledging that she's over him. Ironic, since 'OK!' Magazine clung to the dream of an Aniston-Pitt reconciliation for years after both actors had given up on that, faced reality and comfortably become old friends.

    'Life & Style'

    But wait a minute! Brad Pitt is still struggling through the nightmare of his divorce from his post-Aniston bride, Angelina Jolie, as the mag's cover story reports: "Heartbroken Brad – I haven't Seen My Kids In 5 Years."

    But that's simply not true. Pitt hasn't been photographed in public with his kids in years, but under court orders he gets to see them in private, away from the cameras, and was reportedly with them as recently as last year.

    'In Touch'

    The British Royal Family is caught in a "Phone Hack Scandal!" screams the front page, displaying photos of Prince Charles and wife Camilla, Prince William and Kate, Prince Harry and Meghan, and Prince Andrew with ex-wife Sarah Ferguson.

    It's like a soap opera extravaganza: "Meghan 'Makes Harry Cry,'" ""Kate 'Traps William,'" "Andrew Calls Fergie 'A Fat Cow.'" And "Charles & Camilla's 'Hot Sex Life.'"

    No doubt accurate and fully fact-checked with the Royal Family.

    Onwards and downwards . . .

  • Joe Biden's "dementia" and alien abductions in last week's dubious tabloids

    'National Enquirer'

    "Joe Biden Dementia Crisis!" screams the 'Enquirer' cover story.

    The President is allegedly suffering "bizarre hallucinations," "shocking memory loss," and is "dazed & easily confused."

    Sounds just like every Republican who hallucinated that the January 6 insurrection never happened, and who don't remember a thing about it when questioned.

    Of course, the 'Enquirer' calls denials of Biden's mental health problems a "White House cover-up."

    "Julia Roberts Trashes Hollywood!"

    No, she doesn't. She simply said in a recent interview she hasn't appeared in a rom-com in 20 years because she couldn't find a script she liked. Though it went unsaid, it's probably also because most rom-com leads are offered to actresses 20 years her junior.

    "Mick's Ex Can't Get No Satisfaction From Al."

    Al Pacino is reportedly failing to satisfy his 28-year-old girlfriend, former Mick Jagger flame Noor Alfallah.

    But there's nothing in the story to say that Alfallah isn't happy with Pacino, aged 82. It's just the 'Enquirer' frowning sanctimoniously at the couple's age difference, and quoting unnamed sources who warn "to not expect things to work out."

    Where's Nostradamus when you really need him?

    "Harry Kicks William & Charles Again."

    It's billed as an "Enquirer Exclusive," which is a bit rich for a story based on quotes taken from Harry's interview with NBC's Today show host Hoda Kotb. Harry claimed to be "protecting" the Queen, which is interpreted as a slap in the face (or a kick) to his father Prince Charles and brother Prince William, who actually do that job full-time.

    "Escort Service Got Phil's Ex Easy Lover."

    I had to read this headline five times before finally figuring out what it was trying to say. Rocker Phil Collins' ex-wife Orianne Cevey allegedly "shopped for her estranged toyboy husband on an escort website" before moving him into Collins' Miami Beach mansion, according to legal documents.

    It all makes sense now.

    "All Foxed Up!"

    I think that's supposed to be a play on words by the literary genius sub-editors at the 'Enquirer.' In a "world exclusive" the rag claims that Fox stars Tucker Carlson, Jesse Watters and Greg Gutfeld are "caught in sex and drugs nightmares."

    How the worm has turned.

    "New Bio-Lab Leak Ravaging China!"

    Residents of Shanghai and other major Chinese cities are under Covid lockdown, but the 'Enquirer,' with its mastery of geopolitical reporting and sources inside the highest levels of the Chinese government, claims that a "weaponised virus is the REAL reason" for the crackdown. Because the 'Enquirer' would know.

    "New Pentagon UFO Cover-Up Exposed!"

    Not exactly. The Pentagon investigates UFOs: unidentified, but not necessarily extra-terrestrial phenomena. This reportedly includes crop circles, alleged alien abductions, an "unaccounted pregnancy" and reports of sexual encounters with aliens.

    While the Pentagon looks into these events, for obvious reasons it doesn't make its findings public – because most are batshit crazy. So when some of these bizarre close encounters of the third kind emerged in a cache of newly released documents from 2007 to 2012, of course the 'Enquirer' blames a government "cover-up."

    Can use expect them to soon offer readers' advice on how to cover their heads with aluminium foil?

    'Globe'

    They've been reporting on the Queen's impending demise for years now, and sooner or later they're bound to get it right – though not necessarily with this week's cover story:'"Frail Queen's Final Farewell."

    Just turned 96, the Queen is reportedly "in seclusion & fighting for life."

    Despite her alleged frailty, Her Royal Highness has also reportedly issued a "stern warning for rebels Harry & Meghan," passed along her "tragic deathbed wish" to Duchess Kate, and revealed "family secrets" to Charles and William.

    Not bad going for a nonagenarian allegedly on her last legs.

    What was the Queen's warning to Harry & Meghan? The 'Globe' never says.

    The Queen's final wish? "To save the monarchy at all costs".

    And the Royal family secret she shared?

    "The dying queen told the future kings forgiveness is the Windsor family's secret for survival."

    Seventy years heading the British Empire, and that's the best she can come up with?

    "Clothes Horse Meghan Puts On The Dog!"

    The Duchess of Sussex, painted as a "woke anti-poverty crusader," reportedly "flaunts $48G wardrobe on three-day trip."

    Because obviously any anti-poverty crusader worth her salt would be living in a cardboard box and wear only sack-cloth and ashes.

    Celebrity brothers are being dumped and dismissed en masse in this week's 'Globe.'

    "Angie Cuts her Brother Dead!" reports the rag, claiming that Angelina Jolie "has now turned her back" on brother James.

    And Sharon Stone's "Stone-Cold Heartbreak!" Is reported, claiming that the actress is making a documentary with her older brother Michael Stone, who "plunged into a nightmare world of drugs and addiction" while she was enjoying "screen stardom." How thoughtless of her.

    "Teen Gorilla Addicted To Smartphone!"

    Who the heck is he calling?

    The 'Globe' claims that 420-pound gorilla Amare at Chicago's Lincoln Park Zoo is "hooked on taking selfies". This is why you should never give your pet its own Instagram page.

    'People'

    Dame Helen Mirren, aged 76, is the cover girl in 'People' magazine's annual "Beautiful Issue." There's page after page of beautiful women of all ages – men have their own issue later in the year, though the mag deems them "sexy" rather than "beautiful" – because what could be more important than a woman's appearance?

    "Don't Call it Beauty, Call it Swagger!" Says Mirren, who 'People' mag proclaim a "Hot Dame!" After ten pages of Mirren readers are treated to "beautiful" women including, but not limited to, Sandra Bullock, Reese Witherspoon, Zendaya, Olivia Rodrigo, Adele, Jung Ho-Yeon, Julia Garner, Zoe Kravitz, Lily James, Viola Davis, Carrie Coon, Andie MacDowell,, Jennifer Connelly, Juno Temple, Selena Gomez, Jessica Chastain . . . and the list goes on and on, through 34 pages of "beautiful" people.

    The mag also features a new photo of the Queen standing between two snow-white Fell ponies at Windsor Castle. Doesn't this woman know she's supposed to be in isolation on her deathbed and incapable of standing unaided? She really needs to get with the program.

    'Us Weekly'

    After the Academy Awards "slap heard around the world," this week's cover story was inevitable:

    "Jada & Will – It's All Falling Apart."

    Following Will Smith's assault on Chris Rock at the Oscars, the Smiths are reportedly "Fighting nonstop & secretly talking divorce."

    Sure they are. Just like 'Us Weekly' has reported time and again over the years.

    "Angelina jolie – Suing the FBI?"

    The rag claims that Jolie has anonymously sued the FBI "to find out why its agents didn't arrest [Brad] Pitt, 58, after they investigated the 2016 plane incident where he allegedly got physical with their son Maddox."

    No bad blood between those exes, apparently. But can one actually sue a government agency anonymously? And can one sue because their investigation failed to lead to criminal charges? It all seems rather dubious, to say the least.

    Thankfully we have the crack investigative team at 'Us Weekly' to tell us that Vanessa Hudgens wore it best, that Drew Barrymore "can pick things up with my toes," and that the stars are just like us: they eat pizza by the slice, enjoy healthy smoothies, soak up the sun, and chat on their cell phones.

    Illuminating, as always.

    Onwards and downwards . . .

  • Disney's "dirty secrets exposed" in last week's dubious tabloids

    'National Enquirer'

    Attacking the threat of liberal woke culture is evidently front page news for the 'Enquirer,' whose cover story declares: "Disney's Dirty Secrets Exposed!"

    Apparently the Disney corporation is pushing a "woke" agenda by pushing back against Florida's "don't say gay" law, and by – shock! horror! – having a same-sex couple kiss in a recent 'Star Wars' outing.

    Disney also allegedly exploits "tragic child stars" who are "used, abused and tossed in there trash," the magazine claims.

    Who are these abused and abandoned child stars who "have been sucked into drug addiction and pornography, or had mental health issues"? The list of victims includes Justin Timberlake, Christina Aguilera, Ryan Gosling, Miley Cyrus, Zac Efron, Selena Gomez and Shia LaBeouf.

    Whatever became of those poor, lost, abandoned and forgotten stars? Where are they now?

    "Bonkers Bigshots Teeter on the Edge!"

    The 'Enquirer' claims that "berserk Oscar thug" Will Smith isn't the only celebrity whose "unhinged behaviour is worrying mental health experts."

    Add Cardi B (allegedly making death threats to fans) and Kanye West (attacking his ex Kim Kardashian and her boyfriend Peter Davidson) to the list.

    Presumably "mental health experts" spend much of their time examining celebrity behaviour by reading the tabloids, and commenting on the medical condition of stars they have never met.

    "Madonna Freaks Fans With Disfigured Face!"

    This is news?

    "Obama Tells Joe: It's Time To Go!"

    Barack Obama visited the White House to celebrate the 12th anniversary of the Affordable Care Act. Or, as the psychic empaths at the 'Enquirer' describe it, Obama went to his former home to "send a pointed message to the embattled current commander in chief," telling President Joe Biden to "abandon his bid for reelection."

    Strange how the lamestream media all missed that exchange.

    "The Prince & The Pervert!"

    Prince Charles' private letters to the late British TV personality and pedophile Jimmy Saville are exposed, proving that Charles was as bad a judge of character as every other member of the British establishment in being unaware of Saville's sick predilections.

    Charles understandably claims he was unaware that Saville was a child molester, but the 'Enquirer,' never shy of little hyperbole, calls his letters "cataclysmic for the already endangered monarchy."

    "Sky's The Limit For Travel-Crazy Congress!"

    Members of Congress allegedly spent $32 million in overseas travel expenses in the last four years, complains the 'Enquirer,' "which appear to be vacations in disguise!"

    Sure, like all those vacations they took to Afghanistan, Iraq, and other conflict zones.

    The 'Enquirer' laments that Californian Rep. David Valadao spent nearly $15,000 on last-minute airfare to fly to Albania to visit Afghan refugees. Sounds like everyone's dream vacation.

    'Globe'

    Another British royal intrigue graces the 'Globe' front page: "Prince Andrew Caught In New Bribe Scandal!"

    It's a hyped-up repeat of recent UK revelations about Andrew and members of his family accepting money from Nabahar Isbilen, the wife of an imprisoned Turkish politician.

    "How Bruce Willis, 67, Will End His Last Days."

    The 'Globe' offers readers a cheery look into the many gruesome ways the actor could die after being diagnosed with aphasia.

    The 'Globe' team of psychic medical experts conclude that Willis's illness "could be Alzheimer's," and that he "may be dead in just FIVE YEARS."

    The rag gleefully reports that patients routinely "lose the ability to do routine bodily functions like eating and bladder and bowel control," and become "bedridden and die of urinary tract infections or pneumonia."

    Trust the 'Globe' to always look on the bright side of life.

    "Beyonce's Perfect Vampire Boobs! Too good to be natural."

    An unnamed source claims the singer "recently had some fat transfer done and perhaps new implants too."

    Perhaps?

    Apparently the "vampire breast lift" is a technique that "rounds and increases boob size with injections of platelet-rich plasma."

    Just the way Nosteratu likes it.

    "Meghan & Harry Get A Spanking!"

    No, there's no BDSM going on in royal quarters (at least, that we know of.) It's just Meghan's dad Thomas Markle complaining that the couple's "unforgivable" absence at Prince Philip's memorial service was a "slap in the face" to the Queen. Maybe, like Will Smith, Harry and Meghan will be banned from the Oscars for the next ten years.

    "What Really Happens At Mortician's School. Gal reveals it's not for the squeamish."

    Well, that's a shock, though it's heartwarming to see the term "gal" rescued from the 1940s.

    "Two UFOs Menace U.S. Warship Again! Navy brass confirms 'they are NOT ours!'"

    So they belong to someone else then? That doesn't necessarily make them alien craft.

    Witnesses on the USS Kearsarge claim to have seen two balls of light about half a mile distant, and anti-drone weaponry failed to down them. So they must be extra-terrestrial?

    'People'

    Actress Viola Davis is the cover girl, proclaiming: "This Is My Survival Story."

    Yes, but it's the same survival story she's told before: "Impoverished, hungry & abused as a child," she learned to forgive "in order to heal."

    The confirmation of Ketanji Brown Jackson to the US Supreme Court gets a full page – but only one short paragraph: a mere 59 words including headline and caption. Maybe that's why they title this momentous event "Making history."

    "Ben Affleck & Jennifer Lopez – Their Perfect Engagement."

    Isn't that what they said the first time round 20 years ago?

    'Us Weekly' is absent this week, apparently gliding on the back of last week's double issue, which they forgot to mark as such. Anxious readers are left wondering who wore it best, and if the stars are really just like us.

    Elsewhere in the tabloids:

    'OK!'

    "Hollywood Divorce Drama!" Screams the cover.

    Justin Timberlake & Jessica Biel, Jessica Simpson and husband Eric, and Will Smith & wife Jada are all in the rag's cross-hairs. The tabloids have been promising for years that this triumvirate are poised to divorce, but it hasn't happened yet.

    'Life & Style'

    "A-Listers Secretly Obsessed With Fame!"

    Sandra Bullock, Nicole Kidman and Angelina Jolie are among those in the firing line.

    Allegedly they alter the paparazzi about their movements, and scream at publicists.

    Bear in mind that it's 'Life & Style' mag claiming the stars are obsessed with fame. Pot, meet kettle.

    'In Touch'

    Prince Andrew's daughter find themselves dragged into the tabloid mire thanks to their father, prompting the cover story: "Eugenie & Beatrice – Destroyed By Greed!"

    It's the "$1 Million Fraud Bombshell" of which neither sister claims to have been aware. Apparently they have their dad to thank for landing them in the scandal-sheets.

    Embarrassing, yes. But destroyed? Seriously?

    Onwards and downwards . . .

  • Will Smith's slap and Angelina Jolie's feet in this week's dubious tabloids

    'National Enquirer'

    There's conflict in Ukraine and civil war in Afghanistan, Ethiopia, Syria and Yemen, and this week's 'National Enquirer' devotes its front page to "TV Anchors At War!"

    But bno, it's not about the TV anchors reporting from the borders of combat zones as if they're risking their lives. It's about the petty personal feuds behind the scenes: "Who hates who!"

    It's Tucker Carlson vs Geraldo Rivera. Keith Olberman vs Rachel Maddow. Don Lemon, Jake Tapper and CNN vs Chris Cuomo.

    It's tired, ancient news, and unenlightening.

    "Harry & Meghan Police Cover-Up! What Scotland Yard was Ordered to Hide."

    Unsurprisingly, not what it seems.

    Prince Harry and Meghan, suing the British government to pay for a protection detail when they visit the UK, asked a judge to seal the court documents – hardly a shocking move in a case involving privacy and personal protection.

    And of course the 'Enquirer' has no idea what Scotland Yard was ordered to hide – because it's under seal.

    That doesn't stop the 'Enquirer' raging: "Harry & Meghan Cover-Up Holds Queen For Ransom!"

    The 'Enquirer' claims that Harry's lawsuit details the cost to taxpayers for protecting other members of the royal family, which if revealed "could be highly embarrassing for Her Majesty."

    Yet Harry is the one asking a court to keep that information private.

    "Jada Spanks Bad Boy Will!"

    Will Smith's "temper has been an issue for years," claims an unnamed insider, who alleges that wife Jada Pinkett-Smith is demanding her slap-happy hubby "attend anger management sessions."

    Couldn't hurt.

    "Alec & Hilaria Shoot The Moon With Baby No.7"

    Alec Baldwin and wife Hilaria are reportedly expecting a child, because he "sought solace in his wife's arms" after accidentally killing cinematographer Halyna Hutchins.

    "Goops!"

    Gwyneth Paltrow's "marriage is in crisis," according to unidentified insiders, who claim her focus on Goop business problems meant "her energy has not been on her marriage." Perhaps she needs to light up a vagina-scented candle and meditate for a day or two?

    'Globe'

    "Epstein Madam Secret plea Deal Exposed!" Proclaims the cover story. "Real reason Maxwell still isn't sentenced!"

    When you're wrong, you're wrong, and the 'Globe' is wonderfully wrong with its prediction that "her conviction will be squashed over a tainted jury claim".

    Wrong. The judge ruled that Maxwell's guilty verdict stands, despite a juror failing to reveal his own past sexual abuse.

    And by the way, convictions are quashed, not squashed.

    The story goes on to claim that "Maxwell has escaped spending the rest of her life behind bars by cutting a secret plea deal to turn state's evidence."

    She is allegedly "spilling her guts" about convicted billionaire paedophile Jeffrey Epstein's playmates Prince Andrew, Bill Clinton, Bill Gates, former Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Barak, and lawyer Alan Dershowitz.

    Except Ghislaine had no reason to say anything to prosecutors as long as she had hope that the judge might throw out her conviction.

    That judge's decision clearly came after the 'Globe' had gone to press. So there is no way that Maxwell could have been spilling her guts, or spilling the beans, or spilling anything while she was hoping for a retrial.

    "Will & Jada $400M Divorce Smackdown."

    It's to be expected: When the 'Enquirer' suggests that Jada Pinkett-Smith wants hubby Will to take anger management sessions, the 'Globe' goes a bridge too far and claims they'll be divorcing, just like they claim every celebrity couple is divorcing whenever there's a bump in the road.

    "Putin, 69, Dying of Cancer!"

    How do they know?

    The medically trained paranormal empaths specially employed by the 'Globe' note that Putin's face is looking "puffy" compared with 20 years ago, and that "in the past we have seen him smile, but in 2022 there are few pictures of him looking happy."

    As any medically trained expert can tell you, a failure to smile is an established indicator of Stage 4 cancer.

    "Queen Thinks Andy Is Dandy! Outrages Charles & William by giving sex creep key role at Philip memorial."

    The Queen's "shocking olive branch" to her favorite son as he walked her into Westminster Abbey for Prince Philip's memorial service allegedly "ripped the royal family apart."

    Strange. Who'd have thought that having an alleged rapist at your side could provoke such a fuss?

    "Health Scare Over Angie's Freaky Feet!"

    No, she doesn't have seven toes or a club foot. Angelina Jolie made the mistake of allowing herself to be photographed wearing sandals, and the medically trained experts at the 'Globe' conclude that her tootsies reveal "the alarmingly scary condition" that "she's developing osteoporosis and even diabetes!"

    Just imagine what these medical experts could do with a stethoscope and a thermometer.

    'People'

    "Heartbreaking News" declares the cover story. "Bruce's Battle & His Family's Love."

    Bruce Willis's extended family gathers around him after his aphasia diagnosis, in a tender story that he probably can't read for himself.

    Yet another Will Smith slap story: "Could Will Lose His Oscar?"

    Only if he leaves in in the back of an Uber. Yet another story proving Betteridge's law of headlines: If it ends in a question mark, then the answer is No.

    'Us Weekly'

    "William's Shock Confession – Why I'll Never Be King," declares the cover story.

    When you're wrong, you're wrong.

    Did 'Us Weekly 'snag an exclusive interview with Prince William?

    Of course not.

    Did he say he'll "never be king"?

    Not even according to the story inside the rag, which quotes unnamed insiders saying that William fears he may never be King "at least not in the conventional sense."

    Right. So maybe he'll be an unconventional King?

    'Us Weekly' claims William was "caught off guard" when the Queen recently announced that Camilla would eventually become Queen Consort once Charles ascends to the throne, because "it was widely believed the queen might pass over Charles" and give the crown to grandson William instead.

    No, it was never widely believed. It wasn't even believed by the tabloid reporters who kept flogging the same dead horse.

    The Settlement Act of 1701 mandates that the crown passes to the monarch's heir – in this case, Prince Charles – and the Queen has zero discretion in naming her successor. As long as he's alive, that's Charles. Get over it.

    "Fears Over Harry's Tell-All."

    Prince Harry is writing a memoir, and the contents have been kept strictly under wraps. Telling us nothing that we don't already know, an insider says: "Harry does talk about all of his family members in the book, but not all of it is negative. He actually even praises some royals, including the queen."

    If this alleged insider actually had any information about what Harry's memoir contains, it wouldn't be this bland bromide.

    Thankfully we have the crack investigative team at 'Us Weekly' to tell us that Anne Hathaway wore it best, that Melissa Rivers"ate chocolate Pop-Tarts for breakfast every day from high school until I was 23," and that the stars are just like us: they eat meals, buy groceries, and shop for plants. Who knew?

    Elsewhere in the tabloids:

    "OK!'

    Shalene Woodley and Aaron Rodgers are this week's cover couple, declaring: "We're Getting Married!"

    But are they really? They only broke up last month, and most sources (with the exception of TMZ) think it premature to talk of a reconciliation, let alone an engagement.

    'Life & Style'

    "Harry & Meghan's Separate Lives! 'It's Why She's In Hiding.'"

    Is Meghan in hiding? Or is she just keeping her life private?

    Allegedly the couple are "arguing over money – and the royal family" and Harry is "sleeping in the guesthouse."

    Thankfully, they are "staying strong for their kids."

    That's nice.

    It's astonishing how much information reporters can unearth about a couple who they claim never leave their home or talk to anyone.

    'InTouch'

    "Bruce Willis' Emotional Goodbye. Inside His heartbreaking Final Days."

    Apparently the rag believes he's dying – something that has gone unmentioned in all other reports – and is "giving his $250 million fortune away."

    Not so easy when you have aphasia. Good luck getting that past the lawyers.

    Onwards and downwards . . .

  • Biden's "crimes" and "henpecked" Harry in this week's dubious tabloids

    'National Enquirer'

    "Joe Biden Criminal Cover-Up Exposed!" screams the cover story. "FBI protected president and crooked son Hunter!"

    It's the same old allegations of Hunter Biden's drug abuse and questionable foreign business deals that we've seen over the past 18 months, but now the 'Enquirer' claims that the FBI knew about Hunter's lost laptop computer in April 2019 and deliberately failed to investigate any of the alleged wrongdoing it contained.

    Yet the FBI has always said that it obtained the laptop in April 2019, and made no secret of this fact.

    When news of the lost laptop went public in October 2020, one month before the presidential election, the FBI claimed it was still trying to ascertain if it had been tampered with.

    This is tantamount to a cover-up according to Texas-based criminal defense lawyer Joe Gutheinz, whose specialty appears to be in hunting lost Moon rocks, which is good enough for the 'Enquirer' to consider him an expert in FBI forensic investigations.

    "Ben Blows Big Dough To Keep J.Lo Happy!"

    The 'Enquirer' objects to Ben Affleck paying for "private jets to Spain and St Tropez, five-star hotels and designer shopping extravaganzas" as he enjoys life and love with Jennifer Lopez.

    Presumably the magazine would like to see the lovebirds flying coach on JetBlue, staying at Holiday Inns, and shopping at Target.

    "Fantastic Beast! Stressed Johnny Depp packing on the pounds."

    The 'Enquirer' proves it's a gender-blind equal-opportunity body-shamer.

    "Miley's Brush With Death! Fears plane trauma may spark self-destruction."

    Miley Cyrus' plane was struck by lightning during a storm and made an emergency landing. The 'Enquirer' conjures up unnamed "friends" who are allegedly "terrified the close encounter will drive the singer back to her hard-partying ways!"

    Right. Because the slightest turbulence could drive her off the rails.

    "Proof Harry's Under Meghan's Thumb!"

    A year late and a dollar short, the 'Enquirer' rolls out a "body language expert" to analyse the royal couple's posture while being interviewed by Oprah Winfrey on TV in March 2021.

    Meghan is seen resting her hand on his, suggesting that she is "in control," while Harry drapes a hand between his legs, in a "self-protective posture."

    The 'Enquirer' concludes: "Shocking photos: Henpecked Harry Has No Chance!" Or could it simply be that seasoned actress Meghan is more comfortable before TV cameras, and that their gestures offer no useful indication of their marital relations?

    "William & Kate Hit Trouble In Paradise!

    "Incredibly, the duchess was royally snubbed by a former beauty queen turned politician".

    Incredibly? Which part of this is incredible? That Duchess Kate was snubbed? That she was snubbed by a former beauty queen – almost royalty herself? Or because they beauty queen became a Jamaican member of parliament?

    Or was it incredible because the alleged "snub" appears to have been imputed from two seconds of video taken out of context, when Jamaican politician Lisa Hanna momentarily turned away from Kate, having spent the rest of her time with the Duchess politely engaged and welcoming?

    'Globe'

    It's like a vintage cat-fight episode of 'Dynasty' in this week's cover story: "Michelle vs Hillary. Brutal Brawl Explodes!"

    The two former First Ladies were caught rolling on the ground clawing at each other's hair, tearing at their clothes and spitting obscenities.

    As if.

    There's no brutal brawl, no "backstabbing," "insults" or "blind ambition" as alleged.

    The 'Globe' claims that the White House ambitions of Michelle Obama and Hillary Clinton, both supposedly vying to become President, have reignited their "festering feud."

    The rag then claims the two women are "waging a furious Cold War" which by definition would preclude a brutal brawl.

    "Jealous Hillary" allegedly also covets Michelle's media success in Hollywood. – as if it's a zero sum game and that if Michelle's Hollywood deals are fruitful, then Hillary is doomed to failure.

    "Nip/Tuck Doc Lifts Veil On A-List Secrecy."

    Dr Ashkan Ghavami, who the 'Globe' dubiously dubs "the self-proclaimed plastic surgeon to the stars," reveals that his staff sign non-disclosure agreements, and that celebrities use "private doors" so that other patients won't see them.

    Wow. That's really lifting the lid off the secrets of Hollywood's cosmetic surgery obsession.

    Dr Ghavami forgot to mention that for the past two years everyone entering a plastic surgeon's office has been barely recognisable behind a mask anyway.

    "Ex-King Edward Exposed As Nazi Spy!"

    It's been widely reported for years that Edward VIII, later the Duke of Windsor after his abdication, was a Nazi sympathizer. Inspecting French troops in 1940 he wrote to a friend about their poor military preparations – letters that were then passed to the Nazis.

    Does this make Edward a spy, or simply naive? The Third Reich certainly had enough real spies and informants telling them that the French Army was in poor shape, making Edward's analysis of limited value.

    Did Edward believe that Hitler would restore him to the British throne as a puppet monarch, as the 'Globe' reports that a new book and documentary claim? It's possible. Never under-estimate the self-destructive abilities of a member of the British royal family.

    'People'

    "Will, Jada & Chris – Shock at the Oscars" dominates the cover.

    The slap, the speech, and everything you've already heard about the incident, repeated without insight.

    "A Night to Make History!"

    'People' mag devotes two short sentences to Ariana DeBose's win as the first openly queer woman of colour, then dives into five pages of Oscar fashions, presumably because that's how women really make history at the awards show. Plus two pages of Oscar attendees sporting fabulous jewels they borrowed for the night, and two pages of men's Oscar fashions. That's bringing history to life!

    "Will & Kate's Last Caribbean Tour? Questions About the Past & The Future."

    After a rocky reception during their three-nation Caribbean tour, Prince William and the Duchess of Cambridge may be thinking twice about booking a Sandals vacation in Jamaica any time soon.

    William is reportedly "thinking about the future." As if there will be a future for the Royals in the West Indies.

    "A Daughter's Desperate Search." Ellie Green's mother disappeared from their Kansas home three years ago, and "it's a mystery she's determined to solve."

    If Ellie Green wasn't a beautiful blonde white 21-year-old woman, would 'People' mag even be running this story?

    'Us Weekly'

    It's the cover story every publication wanted: "Will Smith's Oscar Meltdown – "My Side of the Story. It wasn't staged, it was payback."

    The first sit-down talk with Will Smith after the slap heard around the world . . . and it's not in 'Us Weekly.'

    Naturally, the rag hasn't spoken with the actor, which instead quotes dubious unnamed "insiders" and puts the words in Smith's mouth anyway. Alert the Pulitzer committee.

    "William & Kate's Tour de Force."

    Their Caribbean trip mixed "business with pleasure" as they danced with locals, played drums and scuba dived.

    Oh yes, buried deep in the story is passing mention of "some political friction" but the rag insists the royal duo "enjoyed themselves immensely." The way one does when being repeatedly told to go home and pay restitution for your ancestors' enslavement of abducted Africans forced to labor in sugar plantations.

    Elsewhere in the tabloids . . .

    'OK!'

    "Screen Queens Tell All – How We've Changed. Secrets, Scandals & Sacrifices."

    This cover story promises to reveal Lori Loughlin's "divorce talks," Jennifer Aniston's "serial dating," and Demi Moore's "in love at 60!"

    But is it really a tell-all when none of the trio speaks to the mag?

    'Life & Style'

    Kelly Clarkson reveals: "How I Survived the Divorce From Hell!"

    No doubt by drawing inspirations from the tabloids.

    'In Touch'

    "3 Shocking Tell-Alls – Destroying the Kardashians"

    The cover story features photos of Kim and Khloe Kardashian with momager Kris Jenner – but they're not the ones telling all, apparently.

    It's Kim's ex Kanye West, Kris's ex Caitlyn Jenner and Khloe's ex Tristan Thompson who allegedly "expose 'disgusting' secrets."

    Inspirational journalism at its best.

  • Celebrity blow-up sex dolls and Wayne Newton's face "melting" in this week's dubious tabloids

    'National Enquirer'

    Which famous actor sleeps with blow-up sex dolls?

    Who's is the macho superstar caught giving oral sex to another man?

    Which leading TV actress was gay, who are the married actresses with lovers on the side, and can you name the major male movie producer who routinely wore a bra?

    Don't expect to find the answers in this week's 'Enquirer' cover story: "Celebrity Fixer Breaks Silence! Hollywood A-Listers Panic as Dark Secrets Are Exposed!"

    The time to panic may yet come, but no secrets, dark or light, have yet been revealed.

    Behind these lubricious allegations lies former private investigator to the stars Anthony Pellicano who reportedly claims to be telling all in a memoir that may or may not have yet been written.

    Pellicano, whose former clients included Sylvester Stallone, Michael Jackson, Pamela Anderson, Roseanne Barr and Steven Seagal, presumably knows where some skeletons are buried, but he's not rattling their bones yet.

    Pellicano reportedly teases that his book will expose the identity of all those mystery Hollywood heavyweights indulging in their own private sex lives behind closed doors – but contrary to the headline, he has not yet broken his silence or exposed any dark secrets.

    Pellicano spent 17 years behind bars for racketeering, wiretapping and bribery, so he seems like a reliable source whose word can be trusted.

    "Bob Saget Didn't Have to Die!"

    Apparently if he'd only had someone in his hotel room who could have called an ambulance, he'd still be alive today.

    The moral of the story is: never sleep alone in a hotel room.

    "UFOs Menace America!"

    According to the 'Enquirer' "UFOs Swarm America!" and there have been "550 eyewitness reports since January". What are the odds that they're all 'Enquirer' readers?

    Yet there is no evidence that any of these sightings, most of which are bright lights in the sky, are of extraterrestrial origin.

    Naturally, the 'Enquirer' claims "the government is covering up the terrifying truth."

    The rag reports that "UFOs are closely monitoring America". But if the UFOs are really aliens, is it truly menacing that they're just watching us? Wouldn't it be more menacing if they locked us all alone in hotel rooms?

    The favorite tabloid sport of body shaming continues, with Lady Gaga accused of pumping her face with "fillers and injectables" – "Gaga's Face: It's Larger Than Life!" – while Janet Jackson is photographed in a baggy coat and accused of gaining 80 pounds – "Nasty! Giant Janet Expands Her Base."

    Naturally, no medical experts who treated either singer were involved in either story.

    "Why Harry & Meghan Are Flying The Coop!"

    The renegade royals are reportedly selling their Montetico home in California because of a high property tax bill, and the overpowering stench of bird poop from a nearby refuge, coupled with odor from a nearby marijuana farm.

    "Is Tucker Vlad's Twisted TV Toy?"

    Do they have to ask? Tucker Carlson's fawning support of Russian president Vladimir Putin comes under the rag's insightful geopolitical scrutiny.

    "Fraud Probe Over Epstein's Lost Loot"

    Billionaire pedophile Jeffrey Epstein's fortune was valued at around $656 million when he died in 2019, but executors claim the estate is now worth only $166 million, after paying out some $325 million to victims and for taxes. What happened to the missing money?

    It's an intriguing question, but despite the 'Enquirer' story, there is no probe into Epstein's estate.

    'Globe'

    The Royal soap opera continues: "Cruel Harry Insults Dying Queen, 95!"

    Prince Harry "publicly humiliates own grandmother" by travelling from his California home to Holland to attend the Invictus Games, which he founded and heads, without stopping in England to visit with HRH, the 'Globe' claims.

    Harry finds himself committed to attend the Games because the first major show under his reported $100 million Netflix deal is to produce a series following the journey of several wounded warriors to the Invictus Games, with Harry as our host and guide.

    And there's nothing to stop Harry popping in on granny once the Games are done.

    "Putin Stashes Baby Mom In Swiss Haven!"

    Vladimir Putin's reputed lover, former Russian rhythmic gymnast Alina Kabaeva, branded by the 'Globe' as an "X-rated pin-up queen mistress" and their "four love children" are reportedly holed up in a luxury Swiss chalet while the war with Ukraine rages.

    Where would they rather she was living? In a trailer park in Bakersfield?

    "Epstein Madam's Assassin Terror."

    The 'Globe' tells readers, yet again, that Jeffrey Epstein's right-hand woman Ghislaine Maxwell has long feared she was a target, reportedly keeping "a hand grenade on her desk" – highly unsuitable for close-range protection, when a gun would do the job better and with less collateral damage – "and was fearful of delivery men," which seems reasonable if like Maxwell you're living in a secluded home in the woods and a stranger comes knocking at your door.

    "Wayne Newton's Face Is Melting!"

    No, he's not the Wicked Witch of the West, and no, the singer's face is not melting.

    Newton has allegedly undergone what the 'Globe' considers to be more than the acceptable amount of cosmetic surgery, and must be duly chastised for this transgression.

    He allegedly looks "like his face is thawing and dripping to the floor," says an unidentified source who apparently is neither a doctor nor a cosmetic surgeon, but is an expert in the deliquescence of human flesh.

    'People'

    And the Royal soap opera continues . . . "William and Kate – Royal Tour Controversy."

    Facing protests in the Caribbean, where the royal couple have been blamed for the past evils of colonialism and called to make reparations for slavery, the duo "calmly carry on."

    Sandra Bullock, promoting her new movie 'The Lost City,' is the subject of "Sandra's Big Move – Why She's Stepping Away From Acting."

    Apparently for the same reason that Cameron Diaz hit the cover of 'Us Weekly' last week: to spend more time with her family.

    'Us Weekly'

    "Julia Roberts' 20-Year Marriage – Breaking Point?"

    Rumors of Roberts' divorce from her cinematographer husband Danny Moder have circulated for at least five years, becoming an annual cover story in the tabloids that repeatedly predict an imminent $250 million divorce that so far has failed to materialise. This time the rumours "just WON'T go away" says 'Us Weekly,' claiming that the duo are practically living separate lives.

    Thankfully we have the crack investigative team at 'Us Weekly' to tell us that Celine Dion wore it best, that Mira Sorvino dislikes "cruelty, prejudice and shallowness" (who'd have suspected it?), and that the stars are just like us: they shop at flea markets, eat solo, and bargain hunt at 99 Cents Only stores. Because they're cheapskates, like us?

    Elsewhere in the tabloids . . .

    'Ok!'

    Brad Pitt's daughter Shiloh allegedly proclaims: "My Dad Is Not A Monster."

    The rag picks through court documents from Pitt's divorce from Angelina Jolie, but good luck finding Shiloh's quote among the paperwork.

    'Life & Style'

    "Twins For Kate at 40!"

    Sure. Just like the 'Globe' reported that Duchess Kate was having twins back in July 2016. Whatever happened to them?

    'In Touch'

    "Prince Harry's Secret Double Life! Why he disappeared 6 times in 12 months! Meets up with 22-year-old bombshell! Meghan's devastating ultimatum."

    Harry can't "disappear" when he's one of the world's most recognisable and paparazzi-pursued personalities.

    Meeting people is part of his brand: he needs to be seen to promote himself.

    And since when was "meeting" someone, regardless of their explosive looks and relative youth, considered bad form? An affair, yes. But meeting someone?

    As for Meghan's ultimatum?

    Let's not forget that according to 'In Touch' magazine she's been dealing with this for years. Remember their cover story in December 2020: "Harry & Meghan Divorce Rumours! 10 Signs Marriage Is Cracking!"

    This is the same magazine that was threatened with legal action by Prince William's attorneys for suggesting that he was having an affair in 2019.

    Onwards and downwards . . .

  • Harry and Meghan "over" and Ukraine "despairs" in this week's dubious tabloids

    'National Enquirer'

    The world's long dark midnight of the soul has ended, as the conflict that had us all mesmerised – no, not Russia's attack on Ukraine – has finally come to a close.

    "Harry & Meghan – It's Over!" screams the cover of the 'National Enquirer' " New court papers bare bitter bust-up!"

    But like Vladimir Putin's claim that there's no war in Ukraine, only a "special military operation," so this 'Enquirer' headline couldn't be more misleading if it tried. And it's certainly trying very hard.

    Prince Harry and Duchess Meghan's marriage is not "over," or anywhere near it, at least if the facts in evidence have anything to do with it. The "bitter bust-up" revealed in court papers refers to the defamation lawsuit filed by Meghan's estranged half-sister Samantha Markle, in which Samantha claims that Meghan lied about having little contact with her half-siblings growing up, and endured financial hardships as a child.

    Meghan's lawyers have dismissed the claim, but the 'Enquirer' alleges that Harry is leaving Meghan as a result of their marriage being "torn apart by ugly lies and vicious family feud!"

    The duo still appear to be happily united, but the 'Enquirer' insists: "He's going home to Britain and she's keeping the kids!"

    Right – if they mean that Harry may take a few days off to visit the Royal Family in the UK, while Meghan stays home to care for non-royal spawn Archie and Lilibet. But of course, the 'Enquirer' views such a brief separation as the start of something more permanent.

    An unnamed royal insider allegedly told the 'Enquirer': "Meghan has carefully crafted this victim narrative where Harry can feel like the hero who saved her."

    But that's errant nonsense. Meghan, if she ever needed rescuing, clearly saved herself long before meeting Harry, by emerging from a broken home and constrained finances to forge her own acting career and find modest celebrity on TV series 'Suits.' It's only the 'Enquirer' that perpetuates the myth that Harry "saved" Meghan, whereas the reality might be that it was she who saved him from obscurity and obsoleccence within the Royal Family.

    'Raging Billfold. Lonely sugar daddy De Niro throws money at new honey."

    Movie legend Robert De Niro is criticised by the 'Enquirer' for spending money on his new girlfriend, Tiffany Chen. What's he supposed to do? Make her pay for her meals and split the bill when he gives her gifts?

    "Miley Twerks Her Butt Off!"

    Is that physically possible?

    Singer Miley Cyrus allegedly "fears her flabby rear may leave her younger beau feeling flat" and "wants a Brazilian butt lift," whatever that is, to boost "her droopy derriere."

    The 'Enquirer' helpfully displays a photo of the posterior in question, clad only in a dental floss thong bikini bottom, looking neither flat nor flabby. But who are you going to believe: the cosmetic surgeons quoted by the 'Enquirer' who have never treated Cyrus, or the evidence of your own eyes?

    "Brad Beefs Up On High-End Pigouts."

    After quitting booze last year Brad Pitt is "pigging out on cheese, olives and gourmet foods!" claims the 'Enquirer.' Oh, the humanity.

    "Hollywood's Most Hated TV Stars."

    Four pages of unmitigated vitriol aimed at Whoopi Goldberg, Ellen DeGeneres, Pat Sajak, Dr Phil, Tucker Carlson (perhaps deservedly), Ellen Pompeo, Chris Cuomo, Mark Harmon and Savannah Guthrie. Investigative journalism at its best.

    "Ukraine: Defiance & Despair!"

    One week it's the start of World War III, the next it's a story demoted to the back of the book. But of course what's happening half-way across the world is only important to 'Enquirer' readers if it affects the US of A, so the grammatically-challenged rag reports: "Heroic Americans put lives on line to drive out invaders."

    'Globe'

    At least one of the tabloids has its priorities straight, as the 'Globe' cover story proclaims: "Ukraine War In Photos!"

    Ooohh, photos! We've never seen those before.

    Naturally, the 'Globe' treats the war in Ukraine like a pulp fiction novel: "Bloody combat. Russia's crimes. Refugee horror. Gripping Special Report!"

    And of course, there's the mandatory teaser: "What Putin doesn't want YOU to see!"

    Actually, it's Russian citizens who Putin doesn't want seeing images of Russian soldiers killed and tanks destroyed, and victims of apparent war crimes.

    But the rag pats itself on the back: "Globe is proud to bring you the pictures Putin tried – and failed – to suppress!"

    How exactly did Putin try to suppress photos appearing in an American tabloid? Did he threaten to cancel his subscription?

    "Sally Field, 75, Prowling For A Man!"

    Can we expect to see the Oscar-winner roaming the streets of Hollywood with a large net? She's apparently poised to film a movie with Jane Fonda and Lily Tomlin, so in a bizarre non sequitur an unnamed insider claims "she still believes in marriage and wouldn't be averse to giving it another try".

    But that's not exactly the same as being "on the prowl!"

    "Kanye Is Dangerous!"

    To himself, maybe.

    "Shrink insists kidnap video proves rapper needs HELP!"

    That's according to a forensic psychiatrist who has never treated Kanye West, analysing the singer's claymation video targeting his ex-wife Kim Kardashian's new beau Pete Davidson. Because analysing animated shorts is now an accepted diagnostic tool under American Medical Association guidelines.

    "Prince Andrew On FBI Hot Seat!"

    This story is no more true that it was two years ago when the FBI hoped to interview the reluctant Royal.

    Andrew has paid off his sex abuse accuser Virginia Giuffre, but the FBI still wants to interview him about what he knows of his former friend, billionaire pedophile sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein. Andrew is still declining to sit down for talks with the FBI, so he's no closer to a "hot seat" than before.

    'People'

    "How My Wife Saved My Life" declares the cover story.

    Samuel L. Jackson tells how his marriage to Broadway actress La Tanya Richardson Jackson helped save him from "harrowing addiction" and helped him "become the man I am meant to be."

    'People' mag's Photoshop editors worked overtime on the implausibly flawless smooth and unlined skins of this 73-year-old husband and his 72-year-old wife.

    The secret to their successful marriage?

    "A lot of compromise and a hell of a lot of amnesia," says LaTanya.

    "What the Queen is Really Like."

    A new biography by Robert Hardman, titled Queen of Our Times, reveals: "She really enjoys what she does."

    Well, at 95 it might be a little late for a career change now.

    Apparently HRH is "upbeat and positive" with a "sense of humorr."

    The book reveals how the Queen chose "stillness" amid the mayhem of Princess Diana's death, never lost her cool during 1992's "annus horribilis," privately struggled with the divorces of her children Charles, Andrew and Anne, and wants to be buried near her parents.

    At least she has something to look forward to.

    'Us Weekly'

    "Why Cameron Diaz Disappeared," offers the cover story.

    Apparently "quitting Hollywood saved her life – and her marriage – after heartbreaks, setbacks & botched Botox."

    But would she have died if Diaz had kept working in Hollywood? That's definitely the inference.

    Thankfully now she's become a wife and mother, Diaz is certain to live forever. Right.

    Thankfully we have the crack investigative team at 'us Weekly' to tell us that Katie Hoklmes wore it best, that Miranda Cosgrove ("I can't leave the house without Kind bars"), and that the stars are just like us: they shop at farmers' markets, feed parking meters, and go on coffee runs. Life-affirming news, as always.

    Elsewhere in the tabloids:

    'OK!'

    "Catherine Zeta-Jones & Michael Douglas – It's Over! After 21 Years – $500M At Stake."

    This story has been written so many times over the years, and it's not been right yet. One day perhaps it might be correct. But is this that day . . ?

    'Life & Style'

    "Summer Weddings – The Rings, The Dresses & The Prenups!"

    Pure romance for the stars soon to walk down the aisle, including Katy Perry and Britney Spears.

    'In Touch'

    "Brad & Jen – Living Together In Paris for 6 Months!"

    This "world exclusive" claims the once-married and long-divorced duo are staying in a "$25,000-a-night penthouse!"

    Hasn't Jennifer Aniston heard that Brad Pitt is pigging out on cheese and olives? Perhaps he can carve up some Camembert and Brie while he's in Paris?

    Onwards and downwards . . .

  • Occam's razor and the world's biggest breasts in this week's dubious tabloids

    'National Enquirer'

    Occam's razor posits that the simplest explanation is often the best, but the way the tabloid editors employ this blade they should all have bushy beards of Biblical proportions.

    "Who's Killing Epstein Witnesses?" demands the 'Enquirer' front cover.

    Billionaire pedophile sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein was hanged in his jail cell, an apparent suicide. Now his pal Jean-Luc Brunel has been found hanged in a French jail cell, yet another suicide. And Steve Bing jumped to his death from his 27th floor condo in Los Angeles and left a suicide note, though the 'Enquirer' nonetheless claims he was "pushed off building!"

    All were victims of murder, claims the 'Enquirer,' which now asks: "Ghislaine Maxwell – Is She Next?"

    As if to answer the headline's question as to who is responsible for these clandestine killings, the 'Enquirer' displays headshots of Bill Gates, Bill Clinton and former Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Barak, claiming a "Chilling conspiracy to protect world's most powerful men."

    Expect arrests soon.

    (more…)
  • Queen "skin & bones" and Michelle Obama "running for President" in this week's dubious tabloids

    'National Enquirer'

    Britain's favorite soap opera never fails to entertain the tabloids, and the 'Enquirer' devotes this week's cover to the latest action-packed episode: "Queen Abandons Sex Creep Andrew! Refuses to pay his legal settlement! Takes royal lodge & leaves him homeless! Charles & William ignore pleas for help!"

    This might be a good time for the 'Enquirer' to offer Andrew $1,000 for an interview – it sounds like he needs the money.

    Of course, these 'Enquirer' claims go against multiple reports that, far from being abandoned by his mother the Queen, Andrew's settlement was largely financed by Her Majesty, that he has been making welcome visits to the Queen at Windsor Castle in the evenings, and by all accounts is still very much at home at Royal Lodge in Windsor Great Park.

    Perhaps the 'Enquirer' is unaware that Andrew signed a 75-year lease on Royal Lodge in 2003, so they shouldn't expect to see him living in a tent under a motorway overpass any time soon.

    "Queen, 95, Paralysed By Pain!" declares another 'Enquirer' yarn. "Skin & bones monarch admits 'I can't move.'"

    Well, the Queen only has herself to blame for this story, having told visitors to a recent meeting at Windsor Castle that she was immobilised.

    Yet photos clearly show that she was standing on her own two feet, albeit with the support of a black cane, and wasn't in or anywhere near a wheelchair. Far from being "paralysed," she was simply telling her guests that it would be easier for them to approach her, rather than to make her walk across a room at the age of 95.

    Naturally, an unidentified "royal insider" tells the 'Enquirer': "She faces some of the darkest days of her life." Because living through WWII, the German blitz bombing of London, and the death of her husband were not dark enough?

    "Hello? Adele Needs Help!"

    Apparently the singer's "unhinged behavior has convinced pals an intervention is the only way to stop her downward spiral!"

    Adele had the temerity to have fun indulging in a mock pole dance at a London club – almost fully clothed – and also announced in a British TV interview that she wants to have a baby. Oh, the horror. How unhinged can anyone get?

    This somehow has prompted a deeply panicked unnamed "insider" to say: "Adele is out of control." So is this story.

    "Matt & Gordon Chew The Fat!"

    Blatant fat-shaming for former 'Friends' star Matt LeBlanc and celebrity chef Gordon Ramsay, who the 'Enquirer' claims "have become Hollywood heavyweights" after gaining a few pounds. They evidently made the unforgivable mistake of meeting and "hanging out in Los Angeles last month."

    Don't they know there are rules against people with greater than 5 per cent body fat gathering in public in Hollywood?

    "Snowflake Tucker's $250k Beauty Regimen!"

    You know the rag's love affair with Fox News is over when they brand Tucker Carlson a "snowflake" and claim that "he primps like a woke metrosexual." As if there's anything wrong with that.

    "Bob Saget Cover-Up: Was Comic Murdered?"

    Yet another example of Betteridge's law of headlines: if it ends with a question mark, the answer is always No.

    Comedy star Bob Saget's death was unquestionably mysterious: he was found dead in bed in his Florida hotel room, with a fractured skull consistent with being hit by a baseball bat or a 20-foot fall. But his injuries were also consistent with falling against the marble counter-tops in his hotel bedroom, or falling hard on the marble bathroom floor.

    Saget's body was found in bed, with his hotel room door locked from the inside, so that hotel staff had to cut through the metal security latch on his door before getting in. Which also means that no killer could realistically have been inside his 9th floor room and then escaped after locking Saget inside. Unless the killer was Tom Cruise's 'Mission:Impossible' super spy Ethan Hunt. Mysterious, yes, but there's a reason the police don't believe there was foul play. Or maybe detectives should be checking on Cruise's whereabouts that night?

    'Globe'

    America's former First Lady Mrs. Obama is the subject of this week's cover story: "Michelle Running For Prez! It's Official!"

    The 'Globe' clearly doesn't understand what the word "Official" means.

    "Michelle Giving Joe The Heave-Ho!" declares the headline across two pages inside. "She's already begun recruiting an army of 100,000 volunteers." That's a huge army to hide in plain sight, and yet she's done a remarkable job of covering them up, since nobody's seen any of this army yet.

    "Randy Andy Admits Defeat! Why prince agreed to pay teen who accused him of rape."

    The "sleazeball prince" reached an out-of-court settlement with rape accuser Virginia Giuffre allegedly "because he feared exposing his darkest deeds in a sworn court testimony," according to unnamed sources.

    What dark deeds? The 'Globe' hasn't a clue, and doesn't say, leaving readers to speculate the worst – does Prince Andrew makes shadow animal figures with his hands in darkened rooms? Creepy.

    'People'

    The rag offers readers two alternate cover stories this week, inviting dedicated collectors of first edition magazines to buy both copies.

    "The Queen's Private Pain" dominates one of the front pages.

    But it's hardly private when she's telling visitors that she's in physical discomfort, has been diagnosed with Covid-19, and when the world knows that she's not exactly happy about her sons: Prince Andrew forced to pay off his rape accuser (reportedly with the help of the Queen's cash) and Prince Charles poised to be questioned by police in the ongoing honors-for-cash scandal. Let's be honest: If it's on the front page of 'People' magazine, it's not private.

    "The Killer Next Door" declares the alternate cover on newsstands, though it appears to be a rather general headline, since the elderly couple who live next door to me wouldn't hurt a fly (though I wouldn't be so sure about their driving after dark.)

    The "killer next door" is suburban mom Pamela Hupp from Missouri, charged with murdering her best friend. Isn't it intriguing how 'People' mag became interested in this case after Renée Zellweger decided to play Hupp in a six-part NBC TV mini-series?

    "Bob Saget's Mysterious Death – What Really Happened."

    Yes, his death was mysterious, but what really happened? The magazine hasn't the faintest idea. That's why it's a mystery.

    'Us Weekly'

    A genuine mystery takes center stage on this week's cover: the unlikely romance between two celebrities who seem to have emerged from different planetary systems: "Kim Kardashian, 41, & Pete Davidson, 28 – How We Fell In Love!"

    It's yet another 'Us Weekly' story where neither of the stars actually speaks with the magazine, which instead relies on unnamed "insiders" to speak for the couple.

    So how did they fall in love?

    "No frills, no pressure, & silencing the haters." They reportedly enjoy quiet nights at home together, talk for hours about family, politics, hobbies and travel, and respect each other's work demands. Right. So romantic.

    "Queen Elizabeth – Fight of Her Life." She has Covid, and seems otherwise fine apart from some mobility issues. She's 95 years old – give her a break.

    Thankfully we have the crack investigative team at 'Us Weekly' to tell us that Miranda Kerr wore it best, that if Molly Sims could only eat one food for the rest of her life "it would be brownies," and that the stars are just like us: they work out while photographers watch them, they go jogging while photographers watch them, and they grab a cup of tea while photographers watch them. Just like us.

    Elsewhere in the tabloids:

    'OK!'

    Everyone else seems to think that Prince Harry and Meghan are living their dream life, but 'OK!' magazine sees only disaster looming, with its cover story: "Meghan & Harry – Is It Divorce? Falling Apart After 2 Years."

    The rag promises to reveal "Tears, therapy & what went wrong."

    'Life & Style'

    "Stars' Secret Diet Tips That Work" dominates the front cover. The best diet tip not included in the issue? Get yourself a great Photoshop expert to doctor your photos.

    'In Touch'

    Yet another royal drama in a week overflowing with them: "Kate & William's Family Crisis – Prince George, 8, Bullied By Classmates!' 'Heated' meeting with teachers & parents." The royal couple are reportedly "pulling George from $50,000-a-year school."

    George certainly experienced some cyber-bullying online last year, and was wickedly parodied in HBO's animated satire 'The Prince,' but there has been no suggestion of bullying by his classmates.

    Rather, William and Kate have been seen visiting schools in the Windsor area, fueling speculation that they might be planning a move from their current London home in Kensington Palace, to be closer to the Queen at Windsor Castle.

    Then again, it wouldn't be entirely surprising if Prince George was secretly being tormented, since it's pretty much an established tradition to have members of the British royal family mercilessly bullied at school, as anyone who watches that historical document known as 'The Crown' will know.

    Onwards and downwards . . .

  • Prince Andrew's "sex tape" and Queen Camilla's "revenge" in this week's dubious tabloids

    'National Enquirer'

    Kamala Harris may have her detractors, but in the eyes of the 'National Enquirer' she's #1 in at least one questionable category: "Rated Worst Veep in Modern History!"

    The cover story brands her "Washington's Queen of Mean!" as she has accumulated enemies along her road to the White House.

    Presumably she's the worst Vice President in a history that doesn't include shoot-them-in-the-face Dick Cheney or thick-as-a-brick Dan Quayle, waste-of-space Mike Pence or tricky Richard Nixon.

    Harris certainly has a PR issue, having failed to adequately promote her numerous achievements, but the 'Enquirer' claims: "Everyone hates Veep Kamala's guts!"

    At least she's not being compared with Vice Presidents John C Calhoun or John C Breckinridge.

    "Andrew's Bombshell Sex Tape!"

    We've heard this dubious claim about Prince Andrew before, of course. A former employee of convicted billionaire pedophile Jeffrey Epstein's claimed that she walked in on him and Ghislaine Maxwell watching a video of Andrew with a topless girl, British national newspaper the Sun reported in July 2020.

    London's Daily Mirror reported in January 2015 that cameras were hidden in the walls around Epstein's New York mansion, and sex tapes were likely to have captured Epstein's friends in flagrante delicto.

    Here we are again, with the 'Enquirer' citing self-professed "former jewel thief William Steel" – a reliable source if there ever was one – claiming that Epstein showed him Andrew's sex tape featuring a "very young" girl.

    Coincidentally, Steel has penned a book: 'Ghislaine: Sensational and Impure.' Impure? Is that the best word of condemnation he could come up with for the convicted sex trafficker, or has he lost his Thesaurus?

    "Queen Camilla Is Coming For Harry!"

    The tabloids all seem to think that Camilla is already Queen. Camilla is allegedly set to "retaliate" after Harry and Meghan have demeaned and threatened her husband, Prince Charles. "The Sussexes know their fate is sealed," says an unnamed insider, making Camilla sound like the Terminator ready to hunt down Harry and Meghan until the end of all time.

    "Kanye Too Cracked To See His Own Kids! Kim fears he's off his meds & off his rocker."

    That never stopped him from seeing his kids in the past – why now?

    "Adele's Smother Love Sends Beau Howling!"

    The "clinging" singer allegedly can't bear to be apart from sports agent boyfriend Rich Paul, who is reportedly growing anxious and wants some "time apart." This is the sort of imminent-break-up report that usually precedes an engagement announcement,.

    'Globe'

    "New Queen Camilla's Vicious Revenge!" screams the cover story.

    Do they really think that Camilla is Queen already? Or, more likely, do they just not care about the facts?

    The 'Globe' seems to think that Camilla has turned into the Queen of Hearts, with its headline across a two-page spread: "Off With Their Heads!" Right. Executions all round for anyone who has uttered a bad word about Charles or Camilla.

    "Charles' cruel wife leaves Kate in tears!" claims the rag, putting the case that the Duchess of Cambridge is her first victim.

    Camilla's apparently already taken action as Queen: "Takes away royal jewels! Slashes cash allowances! Imposes humiliating rules!" This all despite the fact that Queen Elizabeth is still alive and (gently) kicking, that Prince Charles has yet to become King, and that when he does eventually take the throne that Camilla will be Queen Consort in name only, with no executive powers, other than her influence over her husband.

    "Kanye West Is A General Pain!"

    This is news?

    "Hunter Sweats Bullets Over Ex's Tell-All!"

    Hunter Biden's own memoir, 'Beautiful Things,' published last September, confessed to his crack addiction, his alcoholism, his affair with his sister-in-law, having guns shoved in his face, and his mother's car-crash death. We've all seen the legal filing by his ex-wife Kathleen Buhle claiming he spent money on prostitutes and strip clubs.

    What can Buhle possibly say now in her alleged "tell-all book" that Hunter hasn't already said about himself?

    "Angelina Arthritis Nightmare. – Hands are becoming scary claws."

    Maybe Angelina Jolie is suffering from arthritis; maybe she isn't. But the photo of her "scary claw" just looks like an ordinary, healthy hand, perhaps a little weathered with age, but hardly something escaped from a Hammer House of Horror movie.

    "Coroner Proves Two Shooters Murdered JFK!"

    When did coroner Dr Cyril Wecht prove that "accused gunman Lee Harvey Oswald didn't act alone!"?

    The claim is made in "an explosive new book," reports the 'Globe.'

    But if you keep reading the story, you discover that Dr Wecht first made this claim more than 43 years ago, in 1978. This is what qualifies as "news" in the 'Globe.' And even back then, Hecht didn't have any "proof," but only conjecture that two gunmen had to have Killed JFK.

    "Do Ya Think It's Scary? Docs say Rod Stewart is riddled with cancer."

    Doctors who have never treated Rod Stewart have been shown a photo of the rocker's face, and conclude that it "shows evidence of skin cancer and radiation scarring." Most doctors who see questionable markings on the skin will request a biopsy, but the 'Globe' medical experts don't need to waste their time with such niceties.

    "That's definitely a skin cancer," says New York internist Dr Stuart Fischer, after examining a photo. Can't argue with medical science.

    'People'

    Former supermodel Linda Evangelista is this week's cover girl, beneath the headline: "My Cosmetic Procedure Nightmare."

    She displays graphic photos of the hardened lumps that have erupted on her neck, thigh and upper torso as a result of cryogenic fat-freezing gone horribly wrong. We've known for some time about her lawsuit against body-contouring therapy CoolSculpting, but these photos make it clear she's not exaggerating when Evangelista claims to have been "brutally disfigured."

    But perhaps she goes too far when she adds: "They said I was unrecognizible, and I didn't disagree." Her figure certainly appears to have become mis-shapen, but there's no mistaking the unique face that graced the cover of 'Vogue' and a thousand fashion runways across the globe.

    "I Survived A Serial Killer – One Woman's Terrifying Ordeal."

    Kara Robinson was 15 when abducted and raped by a killer who had already murdered three girls. She managed to escape and led police to the predator, who killed himself. Now aged 35, she shares her experience with students, assault victims and law enforcement, in the hope of saving future lives.

    'Us Weekly'

    "Prince William on Turning 40," declares the cover story. "Feuds, Family & Making Diana Proud."

    William sits down for an exclusive interview with 'Us Weekly,' opening his heart to the tabloid.

    As if.

    The rag, which has never spoken with the Prince, nonetheless explains: "Why he will never forgive Harry . . . His affair scandal & promise to Kate . . . What he really thinks about Camilla."

    But what's really going on here?

    The article doesn't actually say he'll never forgive Harry; only that "he has yet to forgive his brother."

    On his alleged "affair" with Rose Hanbury: "William emphatically denied those rumours," and supposedly has vowed "that he'd never stray."

    As for Camilla: "William greatly admires Camilla's work ethic and overall dedication to the monarchy." Right. He's probably completely forgiven Camilla for destroying his mother's marriage with an illicit affair.

    "Taylor & Joe – Finally Engaged!"

    It's still being speculated elsewhere, but 'Us Weekly' isn't hedging its bets, definitively stating that Joe Alwyn has put a ring on Taylor Swift's finger. Time will tell.

    Thankfully we have the crack investigative team at 'Us Weekly' to tell us that Cara Delevigne wore it best, that 'Dancing With The Stars' winner and NBA star Iman Shumpert loves Honey Nut Cheerios, tacos, ginger beer and 'Johnny Bravo' cartoons, and that the stars are just like us: they drive electric cars, enjoy theme park rides, and get their food delivered – unless you're one of the millions who can't afford an electric car, theme park ticket prices, or the luxury of food deliveries, in which case the stars are nothing like you after all.

    Elsewhere in the tabloids:

    'OK!'

    "Mila & Ashton – Pregnant and In Love Again! His tearful promise after cheating scandal."

    'Life & Style'

    Pamela Anderson: "Divorce, Drugs & That Sex Tape – I've Made A Lot of Mistakes!"

    After five broken marriages, that's not an unreasonable conclusion.

    'In Touch'

    "Bob Saget's Death – What Really Happened? He Suffered Catastrophic Head Trauma 'Like From a Baseball Bat'"

    What really happened? In Touch doesn't really know, but like any good tabloid they're happy to speculate.

    Onwards and downwards . . .

  • Miss USA "murdered" and an unrelated Biden "cover-up" in this week's dubious tabloids

    'National Enquirer'

    "Biden Grand Jury Cover-Up Exposed!" Screams the front page headline. "Truth about Joe & Hunter buried!"

    Well, not exactly.

    A grand jury's proceedings are, by law, held in secret. There's no cover-up. Only if the grand jury brings an indictment will it then become public.

    A grand jury subpoena was issued 17 months before the 2020 election seeking Hunter Biden's dealings with the Bank of China, a detail recently revealed by the "anti-corruption non-profit group Marco Polo."

    The 'Enquirer' fails to mention that Marco Polo was founded by former Trump administration official Garrett Ziegler, who is doubtless an impartial seeker-of-truth and warrior against corruption.

    "These federal grand jury revelations show how corrupt the Biden family is," says political commentator Naresh Vissa.

    No, they don't. An investigation isn't proof of wrong-doing. That's why they have the grand jury: to make the determination, or find no case to answer. Seventeen months later without an indictment, a casual observer might draw a different conclusion than condemning the Bidens for corruption.

    It's gratifying to see Republicans supporting the US Attorney for Delaware investigating Hunter Biden's tax affairs, no doubt having learned the error of their ways after previously supporting President Trump's refusal to disclose his own taxes.

    "Miss USA Cheslie Was Murdered!"

    No, she wasn't. Police believe Cheslie Kryst committed suicide by jumping from the ninth floor of her New York apartment.

    "Beauty didn't jump – she was pushed," insists the 'Enquirer.'

    No she wasn't, as the 'Enquirer' makes clear in its own story.

    When the rag says she was "pushed," they actually mean that "she was pushed into suicide."

    They may as well have written that she was "poisoned" by sorrows, "run over by a truck" load of mental troubles, "stabbed to death" by pangs of regret, and "eaten by wolves" of worry.

    Getting to the point, the 'Enquirer' claims the 2019 pageant queen "was relentlessly hounded by digital bullies and driven to take her own life!"

    They offer no evidence of this, yet claim that's "the conclusion of top mental health experts consulted by the 'National Enquirer.'"

    Well, they'd know, wouldn't they.

    "Andrew Crushes On Harry & Meghan!"

    The 'Enquirer' inexplicably imagines that Royal outcast Prince Andrew, disgraced by his involvement with convicted paedophile billionaire Jeffrey Epstein, is looking for support in his legal battle against rape accuser Virginia Giuffre from Harry and Meghan – equally royal exiles.

    Why would he do that?

    "If Andrew could team up with Harry and Meghan and pick their brains about law and the way it all works in America, he'd be all over it in a flash," an unnamed source tells the 'Enquirer.'.

    Sure – Andrew is paying America's top defence attorneys over $1,000-an-hour for their expertise and guidance, but his problems would all disappear if only Harry and Meghan would share their legal knowledge. Who comes up with this stuff? Is the 'Enquirer' outsourcing its editorial to preschoolers as part of yet another cost-cutting exercise?

    "Whoopi Ready To Quit Over 'View' Black Eye."

    Is she, though?

    "Gwyn's Vagina Candle Takes A Licking!"

    No, Gwyneth Paltrow is not really licking her vagina-scented candle. She's nibbling at it – and even then, it's only for laughs in a Super Bowl commercial for delivery service Uber Eats. Warning: Do not try this at home – at least, not when the candle is burning.

    'Globe'

    "Palace Spy Ring Caught!" Declares this week's cover story. "Queen's inner circle infiltrated! China's brazen plot to destroy monarchy!"

    Not exactly. And certainly not a plot to destroy Britain's monarchy. A Chinese spy operation was caught by Britain's MI5 allegedly infiltrating the environmental and conservation group FaithInvest, a charity uniting different religions, that was co-founded in 1995 by the Queen's late husband, Prince Philip.

    Alleged Chinese spies did meet once with Philip, in 2017, but they can hardly have expected to use him to buy influence and conduct operations.

    How were they going to "destroy the monarchy"? Lure the then-95-year-old Prince with a honeytrap? Bribe the husband of the world's wealthiest woman?

    Yet readers of the 'Globe' might think it's the end of the road for the royal family.

    "Discovery of the scheme has thrown the palace into chaos," the 'Globe' reports, adding: "everything Queen Elizabeth has worked for could be destroyed."

    Everything? I don't know if the 'Globe' can even spell 'hyperbole,' but they certainly embrace it whole-heartedly.

    "Aqua man Momoa Moves Into Camper."

    Yes, Jason Momoa, newly separated from wife Lisa Bonet, has apparently moved into a luxury RV that costs more than the average American home. Cue the violins.

    "Shirley MacLaine Martini Rampage At 87!"

    You sip one martini and you're an alcoholic. Sip two, and you're on a rampage!

    So it goes in the tabloids, where MacLaine appears to have been caught by paparazzi delicately imbibing a martini while filming a new project: she's in the next season of 'Only Murders In the Building,' and the movie comedy 'American Dreamer.' From the photos it actually looks like she's hard at work, and not on a black-out bender.

    "Dwarfs Cut Dinklage Down To Size."

    How could the 'Globe' resist this headline after several dwarf actors hit back at the 'Game of Thrones' star Peter Dinklage for condemning Disney's coming live-action reboot of 'Snow White.' Evidently little people who hope to be cast in the movie don't take kindly to Dinklage trying to shame Disney into scrapping the project.

    Interesting to note that in the 1937 foreword to 'The Hobbit,' J.R.R. Tolkien wrote: "In English, the only correct plural of 'dwarf' is 'dwarfs.' " Good to see that the 'Globe' wasn't seduced by the lure of "dwarves."

    'People'

    It's Black History month, so 'People' mag celebrates by putting Lionel Richie on its cover with the usual triumph-over-adversity tale: "I Survived It All."

    No, he didn't survive the holocaust, a deadly tsunami, earthquakes or wildfire. He wasn't mugged, beaten, shot, kidnapped or left for dead.

    But "after a divorce, his father's death and nearly losing his voice, the music superstar reveals how he rediscovered joy and found new purpose."

    Why don't celebrities ever get real and put themselves on the cover of 'People' mag when they are depressed, at rock bottom, unloved, refusing to go to rehab, and suicidal?

    Black History month also brings us 'People' profiles on Halle Berry, Danny Glover, Harry Belafonte, Donna Summer, Martin Luther King Jr., Bob Marley, Muhammad Ali, Isaac Hayes, Richard Pryor, Whitney Houston, the Jackson family and many more. One suspects that several of these may not be recent interviews.

    'Us Weekly'

    "Inside Kim Kardashian's House of Horror" promises the cover story.

    But when 'Us Weekly' offers to take you "inside" somewhere, you can be pretty sure you're not going anywhere.

    "Kim changes the locks & hires 24/7 security," adds a headline on the front page. So now we know for certain that we're not going inside Kim's horror home, where Kanye West is locked out along with us.

    "He's forced to deny hiring hitman to kill her," claims the rag.

    Well, he would say that, wouldn't he?

    Thankfully we have the crack investigative team at 'Us Weekly' to tell us that Ciara wore it best (quite an achievement when you're up against Kendall Jenner), that Rick Astley thinks "Rick Rolling is amazing," and that the stars are just like us: they chat on their phones, have pedicures, and go shopping. Who'd have thought it?

    Elsewhere in the tabloids:

    'OK!'

    A famed supermodel and recently retired NFL superstar couple dominate the cover: "Gisele & Tom Brady – $650M Divorce Ultimatum. Fights, Lies & Living Apart! . . . Their amazing lifestyle is a sham!"

    Does that mean he didn't really win seven Super Bowls?

    'Life & Style'

    "Britney's $15 Million Tell-All! Drugs, Affairs & Starting Over" declares the front page.

    I don't think 'Life & Style' paid Britney $15 million for her tell-all, so the story doesn't reveal that much after all.

    'InTouch'

    Royal sex scandals never die, as evidenced by this week's cover story: "Devastated Kate – Showdown WIth William's 'Mistress'. Kate Demanded The Truth, Once And For All! Rose Denies affair is ongoing!"

    "Rose" is Rose Hanbury, the Marchioness of Cholmondleley and Duchess Kate's erstwhile friend. Like Prince William, she has never stopped so low as to comment on the tongue-wagging of the hoi-polloi, and it seems unlikely she has changed her tune now.

    Never a dull moment with the Royal Family.

    Onwards and downwards . . .

  • World War III has broken out (in case you missed it) in this week's dubious tabloids

    'National Enquirer'

    World War III has broken out, and though the lamestream media have clearly missed this epoch-shattering event, the 'National Enquirer' brings it exclusively to their readers – squeezed into a small corner of the front page, naturally edged out by the far more important story: "Hefner Celebrity Blackmail Scandal Explodes! Sex! Drugs! Cheating! Playboy Mansion's Hidden Cameras caught all the action!"

    Because who cares about the Third World War when Hugh Hefner might have made secret celebrity sex tapes?

    But did he?

    "Every place had microphones and little cameras," says Stefan Tetenbaum, Hefner's valet from 1978 to 1981. "Hefner taped everything in his bedroom, and many men – stars and athletes – came into the bedroom and had sex with these girls . . . Can you imagine what power he had over these men?"

    But Hefner's "girlfriends" all claim that the only person Hef filmed having sex was himself. And would the stars have trekked to the Playboy mansion for decades if he had a reputation for blackmailing anyone caught in a compromising situation?

    For 'Enquirer' readers more interested in geopolitics than what went on in the Playboy Mansion grotto, the rag has an important question as World War III rages: "Will the US Win?"

    Absolutely, says the gung-ho 'Enquirer,' bruising to poke the Russian bear.

    "America will easily drive Russia back in a conventional war," says former Army intelligence officer Morgan Lorette, perhaps overlooking the minor detail that Russia's military might is massed in Russia, while America's armaments are mostly in the United States where they're unlikely to push back much of anything. And why should Russia or China feel restricted to conventional warfare?

    Just in case you missed WWIII breaking out, it apparently happened when Russia sent "special-ops warriors" into the Ukraine, and China sent 39 warplanes into Taiwan's airspace.

    "Harry Begs Queen: Let Us Come Home!"

    Prince Harry's "California Dream is Nightmare!" Naturally it's all Duchess Meghan's fault as she "chases her Hollywood dreams." Harry is supposedly begging the Queen and Prince Charles to let him back into the UK, as if he's been exiled – which he hasn't. He can get on a plane and fly home any time he wants.

    "Arnold Lucky To Be Alive!"

    Schwarzenegger was involved in a four-car crash, in which his SUV – built like a tank, and just as big – crushed other cars beneath its wheels. Arnold isn't lucky to be alive. He emerged without a scratch, because he was driving the most intimidating, invulnerable vehicle on the road.

    "Adele Flees Vegas On Verge of Crackup! Pals fear singer is a ticking time bomb."

    Any time a celebrity breaks down in tears, like clockwork the 'Enquirer' finds "pals who fear" that they're having a mental breakdown. This time it's Adele, who tearfully cancelled her planned Las Vegas residency the day before it was to open. The 'Enquirer' quotes only one unnamed "friend," who says in fluent tabloidese: "Her mental health issues were always a ticking time bomb, and now her world is crumbling around her. I don't know if she can recover."

    How is it that tabloid sources all speak as though they learned English by watching 'TMZ' and 'Inside Edition'?

    "Brain Damage Fears For Aging Brady!"

    There are brain damage fears for any long-time NFL professional: it comes with the territory, and Tom Brady is no different, though there's absolutely no reason to believe that he is showing any signs of mental impairment from two decades on the gridiron.

    "Bad News Bears!"

    There's a litany of alliteration in the 'Enquirer' report on increased attacks by bears.

    "Bloodthirsty bears" and "brutal bruins" are staging "ambush attacks" and "rampaging across the country" – look outside your window, you might see one! – as they "claw their way back from the brink of extinction!"

    Or could it be that human development increasingly intrudes on bear habitat? There were six – six!! – bear attacks in America in 2021. Meanwhile an average of 62 Americans die each year from bee stings – perhaps because we're pushing the belicose brawling buzzing beasts toward extinction too.

    "Andrew's Legal Wormhole!"

    Prince Andrew has filed legal papers denying all the "sexual assault and battery" charges leveled against him by Jeffrey Epstein's former sex slave Virginia Giuffre. Fine – but why is that a "wormhole"? Does his legal defense rely on testimony from a breach in the space-time continuum? Or is vermiculture Andrew's best bet for worming his way out of legal trouble?

    'Globe'

    Like a heavyweight boxing match billboard, the 'Globe' cover is dominated by the Fight of the Century: "Hillary vs Trump – 2024 Rematch!"

    What are they smoking over at the 'Globe'? Biden has indicated he's going to run for reelection in 2024, Kamala Harris would be a natural front-runner if Biden decided to step down, and Hillary is toxic even within her own party. And there's no certainty that Trump could secure the Republican nomination.

    Certainly, Biden its't looking his best. As the 'Globe' puts its so eloquently: "Old rivals convinced Prez is dead meat!"

    "Arnold Cheats Death!"

    Schwarzenegger is only lucky he didn't kill anyone else, crushed beneath his behemoth SUV.

    "Bobby Kennedy Marriage on the Rocks!"

    Actress Cheryl Hines publicly disagreed with husband RFK Jr's over-the-top comment comparing mask mandates to Nazi oppression. Certainly the couple have exchanged some heated words on the subject, but she knows who she's married to, and his opinions won't come as a surprise to her.

    "Winter Olympics Spy Ring Exposed!"

    China has allegedly been caught plotting "an evil scheme to bribe judges, snare innocent athletes in so-called 'sex honeytraps' and even cripple competitors with invisible microwave beams" so that their nation "wins the most gold medals and humiliates America," according to unnamed sources.

    Bribing judges is a perilous game risking exposure, and injuring competitors with microwaves seems so complicated when a little salmonella in their food or a dose of coronavirus would do the trick. But honeytraps? Those might work when compromising spies with blackmail material, but for most Olympic athletes that would just be giving them free sex without offering any leverage for blackmail. Who makes this stuff up?

    'People'

    "Jennifer Lopez in Love!" dominates the cover.

    She's happily reunited with Ben Affleck, enjoying life, and says: "I honestly believe that love rules all." Easy to say when you're paid $20 million a movie.

    "Are Brad Pitt & Lykke Li More Than Friends?"

    This follows Betteridge's Law of Headlines: For any headline that ends with a question mark, the answer is invariably: No.

    It's almost Valentine's Day, so 'People' declares this week its "Love Issue," starting with J. Lo & Ben Affleck, and continuing with celebrity couples Lisa Rinna & Harry Hamlin, Nate Berkus & Jeremiah Brent, Allison Holder & Stephen 'Twitch' Boss (stop me if these names are sliding down low on the celebrity recognition scale), non-Hollywood civilians who have romantic tales to tell, and "A Cancer-Stricken Mum's Wish: Date My Daughter."

    Of course there's Rhianna & A$AP Rocky's "baby joy," and "Puppy Love!" which tells of a Moonies-style mass wedding for dogs in Villa Park, Illinois.

    'Us Weekly'

    Ben Affleck's ex Jennifer Garner is this week's cover girl with the story: "A Ring For Jen!"

    Garner is allegedly "racing ex Ben & J. Lo to the altar." Because celebrities see their love lives as a competition, naturally.

    Thankfully we have the crack investigative team at 'Us Weekly' to tell us that Katy Perry wore it best (and still looks like she's wearing a pair of pink satin drapes), that Alyssa Milano confesses "an unhealthy obsession with houseplants" (though she doesn't elaborate on what scandalous activities she might engage in with them), and that the stars are just like us: they take out the trash, go shopping, and eat frozen yogurt. Insightful, as ever.

    Onwards and downwards . . .

  • America in chaos in this week's dubious tabloids

    'National Enquirer'

    "America In Total Chaos!" screams the cover story. Sorry, I must have missed the madness and mayhem – it looks quiet as usual outside my front door.

    "Joe Biden's Inflation Disaster Exposed!"

    Ah, that's the chaos, apparently. Just the sort of in-depth economic analysis 'Enquirer' readers love.

    "Biden blunders blamed for empty food shelves, gas crisis & cash chaos."

    Of course he's blamed for that. Just like President Trump was to blame for empty shelves, shuttered shops and empty restaurants in early 2020. Or could Covid-19 have had something to do with both situations?

    "Demi's Big Fat Problem!"

    Demi Lovato has reportedly gained weight. Enough weight to make the 'Enquirer' sit up and notice, apparently. She's allegedly 181 pounds, and the 'Enquirer' would know because they have a spy camera planted in her bathroom scales, so they couldn't possibly be wrong. Just another sign of the chaos that's plaguing America.

    "Fears Skinny Celine Hanging By a Thread!"

    Maybe Demi and Celine Dion should share their meals, and they'd both be healthier. The perennially-thin singer is apparently still thin, but that worries editors at the 'Enquirer,' who know that America would be less chaotic if everyone were the same healthy weight.

    "Geez Geena! The Lady vanishes."

    The 'Enquirer' is really digging deep into personal attacks on celebrity weight this week. A recent photo of Geena Davis allegedly makes her look "shockingly skeletal." The weight-obsessed rag also tells us this week that "chunky" comic Amy Schumer has allegedly had "liposuction."

    "Harry & Meghan's Cruel Cop-Out!"

    Prince Harry and Duchess Meghan have allegedly "sunk to 'disgusting' emotional blackmail' by refusing to take their two children to England unless the Queen pays for their personal security team. At least they're not too fat or too thin.

    "Prince Andrew Romanced Pervy Ghislaine!"

    Ghislaine Maxwell's former college classmate Euan Rellie says: "I got the sense Prince Andrew and Ghislaine had probably been girlfriend and boyfriend in the past." Apparently having a feeling that something probably happened passes for facts these days.

    "Brad's Shacks Are The Pitts!"

    Brad Pitt's 'Make It Right Foundation' is being criticized for erecting homes for 2005 victims of Hurricane Katrina that are subpar. No good deed goes unpunished.

    "Shock therapy Nightmare For Monaco Prince's Troublesome WIfe."

    Surely that should be "Troubled Wife"? But of course the 'Enquirer' doesn't actually say that Princess Charlene has had electric shock treatment, or is even going too get it. There are just unnamed "sources" who allegedly "fear her playboy hubby, Albert, will okay mind-erasing therapy to protect royal secrets!" Right.

    'Globe'

    His sex trial hasn't even begun, but the 'Globe' already has the verdict with its cover story declaring: "Prince Andrew Guilty!"

    Yes, he is categorically guilty, says the magazine – he's "guilty of breaking his mother's heart," according to an unidentified "high-level staffer."

    It's astonishing how the 'Globe' always finds "senior palace sources" and "high-level courtiers" who speak perfect tabloidese.

    Andrew is facing trial for sexual assault in a civil suit filed by billionaire pedophile Jeffrey Epstein's confessed former sex slave Virginia Giuffre, but the 'Globe' source says that the Queen's "decision to cast him out of the royal circle is the most damning verdict of all".

    "Guilty Andrew Suffers Nervous Breakdown! Screaming rages & bitter tears after clash with queen over rape trial disaster." Is that really any different from his usual behaviour? High-level courtiers want to know.

    Naturally, Andrew's problem "has the monarchy teetering on the brink of disaster," according to "senior palace sources." Sure.

    "Lovelorn Tom Crushing On Angelina!"

    He may be a Scientologist, but surely Tom Cruise isn't really that stupid, is he?

    "High-Handed Harry Demands British Police Protection! Humiliates royals by suing government to get his way." Sounds about right.

    "Lean Remini: Scientology Kept Me Dumb."

    Doesn't that imply that she admits being dumb to begin with, and only blames the cult for keeping her that way?

    "Nicole & Keith Didn't Finish High School!"

    Talk about dumb. Clearly that's what's held back Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban from finding success in life.

    "Ben Affleck Hopelessly Henpecked! Terrified he'll lose bossy J.Lo."

    The 'Globe' seems to think that in any loving relationship where a man does whatever he can to keep his partner happy, he must be suffering under her tongue-lashing.

    "What's Really Wrong With Celine Dion? 100-lb. songbird urged to get rehab after canceling tour."

    Only last April the 'Globe' claimed Dion was down to 95 lbs, so she appears to have gained five pounds since then. Some magazines are never happy.

    'People'

    Courtney Cox dominates the cover, under the headline: "Life, Love & What I've Learned."

    I think 'People' magazine must save a fortune by reusing this headline every other week, and simply changing out the celebrity name each time. "I've always stayed true to myself," Cox says, explaining everything.

    'Us Weekly'

    "Eva Mendes & Ryan Gosling: Under Pressure" declares the cover.

    Well if they weren't under pressure before, they will be once they read this article about "the HUGE decision that could BREAK them." They've sold their Los Angeles home and are reportedly looking for somewhere more rural and private. An unnamed "insider" says: "Everyone's hoping a change of scenery will do them a world of good." Yes, running away always solves every problem.

    "Priyanka & Nick – Why They Kept Baby A Secret."

    Could it be because the surrogate birth of a child to Chopra and Jonas is nobody's business but their own?

    Thankfully we have the crack investigative team at 'Us Weekly' to tell us that Eiza Gonzalez wore it best, that David Arquette owns the rights to "Bozo the Clown," and that the stars are just like us: they buy groceries, flowers and snacks, exercise, play Sudoku, and fire up the BBQ. And clearly have to dress up and put on makeup whenever they go to the supermarket, because they never know when paparazzi may be lurking.

    Elsewhere in the tabloids . . .

    'OK!' Magazine perpetuates the obsession with celebrity avoirdupois, with its cover story: "Princess Kate Hits Back At Weight Shamers – Don't Call Me Skinny!"

    So what does 'OK!' mag do? It reports that Kate "shrinks to 95 lbs!" Good listening skills.

    'InTouch' sticks with royalty for its cover story: "The Queen Reunites William & Harry! Meghan & Harry Flying to London for Platinum Jubilee."

    Really? That would be news to the rest of the Fleet Street royal press pack. And even if Harry and Meghan returned to Britain for the Jubilee – currently up for debate, as Harry demands an armed protection detail that he's no longer entitled to since being stripped of his royal duties – that still wouldn't guarantee that he'd give William the time of day.

    Onwards and downwards . . .

  • Royal scandals, UFOs and Jeffrey Epstein's "murder" in this week's dubious tabloids

    'National Enquirer'

    "Dying Queen's Deathbed Decrees!" screams the cover story. "Charles forced to RETIRE! Frantic final push to save the monarchy!"

    She's a frail 95-year-old, but the Queen is neither dying nor on her deathbed, and the monarchy doesn't need saving, though it could certainly use a better PR agency.

    "Charles forced to RETIRE!"

    The 'Enquirer' claims the 73-year-old prince will only rule until his 80th birthday. As if. Once he's king he can rule for as long as he wants. The Queen can't impose a posthumous retirement age on her heir.

    William WINS the throne!"

    No, he didn't. It's not a game show with the throne as the big prize. The Settlement Act of 1701 still ensures Charles' succession.

    "Harry & Meghan BANNED!"

    Despite the "high ranking royal aide" cited as the story's source, Prince Harry and wife Meghan and their two children have not been "stripped of all royal titles and banished forever!" The Queen has many powers, but they don't include the authority to exile anyone from the UK, much as she might like to.

    "Andrew scores big PAYDAY!"

    The 'Enquirer' claims the Queen is giving her favorite son "$5 million a year, tax free, for life." He should be so lucky. Prince Andrew only received £249,000-a-year (around $334,00) allowance when he was in the Queen's good graces, and while Her Royal Highness is paying Andrew's hefty legal defense bill in his fight against billionaire pedophile Jeffrey Epstein's sex slave accuser Virginia Giuffre, he's not getting anything like this purported massive hand-out from the Queen.

    "Payoff Bombshell Rocks Charles."

    Is there anyone else embroiled in scandals this week, or has the British Royal Family secured a global monopoly?

    Prince Charles' cash-for-titles bribery scandal has "exploded around his jug ears" claims the 'Enquirer,' with a new report that wife Camilla "cavorted" with the Saudi billionaire at the centre of the scandal. Because we all know how bad cavorting can be. And you thought ten Lords a'leaping was bad.

    "Air Force Pilot Tangles WIth Nine UFOs!"

    A US military pilot apparently saw nine lights in the clouds over the South China Sea, and because he couldn't recognise them they are literally unidentified flying objects. That doesn't necessarily make them alien spacecraft – but try telling that to the 'Enquirer.'

    "Denzel's Face Is Collapsing!"

    The 'Enquirer' is shocked that Denzel Washington at the age of 67 doesn't look the same as he did at 25. A plastic surgeon who has never treated Washington has studied photographs of the actor and concluded that he had facial liposuction to appear thinner, and now "his face looks hollower." Hard to argue with a solid medical diagnosis.

    'Globe'

    It's the cover story that's been a year in the making: "Farewell – 117 Legends We Loved & Lost in 2021." That's 13 pages of regurgitated old news.

    "Epstein Was Murdered – Explosive New Proof!"

    This word "proof" does not mean what the 'Globe' thinks it means. The "explosive" documents are papers that include psychological evaluations of Jeffrey Epstein made while he was in jail awaiting trial in 2019, when he apparently displayed no suicidal ideation. The 'Globe' takes that as proof that his jail cell hanging must have been murder, simply because he never said: "I want to kill myself."

    Regular rent-a-quote psychiatrist Dr Carole Lieberman, who never met or analysed Epstein, opines: "The way things unfolded during Epstein's last hours are very suspicious of foul play made to look like suicide." So suddenly she's a forensic expert, as well as a shrink?

    There's a reason that the photo in this week's 'Globe' of Michael Jackson's daughter Paris posing topless with four girlfriends looks familiar – we saw this same story with the same photo months ago in the tabloids.

    Here it is again, as if new, under the headline: "Exorcism For Moonstruck Paris Jackson."

    The 'Globe' claims that because Paris and a few girlfriends partied under a full moon, her family believe she "is possessed by evil spirits and are planning an exorcism to save her soul." Sure – that's just the approach her family of devoted Jehovah's Witnesses would take . . if they converted to Catholicism and embraced the rites of exorcism. But since they haven't converted – forget about it.

    "Vengeful Prince Philip Settled Scores From Beyond The Grave. Cuts worthless Charles, Harry & Andrew out of $60M will."

    Philip's last will and testament is sealed for 90 years, but it has been disclosed that the vast majority of his estate went to his wife, the Queen, and he only made bequests to three key members of his staff. Philip's family wasn't exactly snubbed. Worthless? Well, the 'Globe' may have a point.

    "Lucy & Desi's Sex Secrets Exposed!" That's the claim in a new book, but their marital infidelities are hardly a revelation: Lucille Ball admitted it in her own memoir decades ago, and Hollywood tabloids have been writing about the cheating ways of Desi Arnaz since the 1950s.

    'People'

    It's your typical picture-perfect loving couple wrapped in a warm embrace on this week's cover, all smiles as they sit nestled in a small boat on placid waters. Their hands are entwined, and she leans back into his confident arms, beside the headline "HGTV's Ben & Erin Napier. Marriage, Fame & Our Joyful Family!"

    Could. Not. Care. Less. Who are these people? And why should we be concerned that they are trying to make a "normal" life for daughters Helen, 3, and baby Mae?

    "Olivia & Harry – Why They're Happier Than Ever."

    Actress-director Wilde and singer Styles recently celebrated the one-year mark in their romance, and Olivia told 'Vogue' magazine that she's "happier than I've ever been" because . . . well, she's in love.

    But is Harry happier than ever? 'People' mag has no idea. They haven't spoken to Harry, don't have a single quote from him, and reveal that he's currently on tour, while Wilde has been filming period drama 'Babylon.' For all they know Harry could be miserable – 'People' mag hasn't a clue.

    'Us Weekly'

    British royalty finally steps aside to allow American royalty to take a moment in the celebrity spotlight, with the cover story: "Kim Kardashian – It's All Falling Apart!"

    What's all falling apart? Her face? Her famous derriere? Her business empire? Her marriage to Kanye West (which actually fell apart months ago)?

    Kim is reportedly "humiliated by Kanye's latest public breakdown." He made an open plea for a reconciliation – shock, horror – but he's her ex, that's not her problem, and it's more humiliating for Kanye than for Kim.

    But wait – there's more!

    Apparently she's "crazy for Pete [Davidson] – who just spent the night with Miley [Cyrus]!"

    But did Miley really spend the night with Davidson after a taping of 'Saturday Night Live'? 'Us Weekly' certainly doesn't know, admitting that Miley being spotted at Davidson's Staten Island condo was "leading some to believe that Cyrus spent the night." And presumably some believe she didn't. And even if Cyrus did spend the night with Davidson, does that mean they were making the beast with two backs? Absolutely, if you work for the tabloids. People don't just sit around and talk through the night, do they?

    Worse yet, 'Us Weekly' claims that Kim's "at war with her sisters over storylines & money." So what's new? Isn't that sort of conflict what reality TV thrives on?

    "What a Year!" comments the rag, as it looks back on the events of 2021, and takes only six pages to sum it all up. Bravo!

    Thankfully we have the crack investigative team at 'Us Weekly' to tell us that Kendall Jenner wore it best (someone should tell Amelia Gray Hamlin that body-hugging invariably looks better than loose and crumpled), that social media celebrity-turned-pro boxer Jake Paul confesses: "I secretly love watching cat grooming videos," and that the stars are just like us: they pump gas, buy take-out pizza, shop for fresh produce at farmers' markets, and—like Prince Charles, demoted from Royal to just another "Star"—struggle with their facemasks. At least he has those "jug ears" to keep his mask in place.

    Onwards and downwards . . .

  • Joe Biden's "dementia" and Ghislaine Maxwell's "shocking photos' in this week's dubious tabloids

    'National Enquirer'

    Orgies in the Caribbean! The libidinous rich and famous fornicating on the Lolita Express private jet! Sex slaves delivering XXX-rated massages!

    These are just some of the eye-searing possibilities conjured up by the 'National Enquirer' cover story: "Epstein Madam's Twisted Photo Album Revealed!"

    How twisted can these photographs possibly be of the late convicted billionaire pedophile Jeffrey Epstein and his still-extant right-hand woman Ghislaine Maxwell, currently on trial for sex trafficking?

    Nothing could quite prepare you for this.

    There's a photo of Maxwell with Epstein seated together on his private jet; a photo of the two of them sitting on a bench; another of the pair on a motorbike, and two where Ghislaine shockingly plants a chaste kiss on Epstein's cheek. And then there's a snap where she is fully clothed on Epstein's jet, apparently giving him a foot massage. Oh, the horror!

    Maxwell is certainly "caught on camera," as the 'Enquirer' rejoices, but she's been caught doing nothing worth all this hand-wringing.

    "Party Animal Jen Going To Pot!"

    Jennifer Aniston allegedly consumes marijuana edibles and CBD balms, and on occasions will "smoke a fat joint if the mood suits her." Are we supposed to be shocked (again)? Hasn't the 'Enquirer' heard that marijuana is legal in California?

    "Phil Collins Will Die Laughing!"

    Let's be honest: the singer will probably die gasping for air, clutching his chest.

    But prognostications aside, the 'Enquirer' believes he will be chuckling away at the moment of his passing, cheered because his ex-wife has divorced the "toyboy" who lived with her in Collins's former Miami mansion. The 'Enquirer' assumes that Collins, "riddled with illness," will take pleasure in his ex-wife's misery. At least we know how their editorial mind works.

    "Oh nose! Jackson's Son Obsessed With Plastic Surgery."

    Disgraced pop icon Michael Jackson's oldest son Prince is allegedly addicted to cosmetic surgery, just like his old man. The 'Enquirer' claims – without evidence or confirmation, but simply by studying old photos – that Prince had a "nose job" and "fillers injected into his cheek." Does that make him "obsessed" with cosmetic surgery? The 'Enquirer' hedges, saying: "The fear is he'll become obsessed with surgery and overdo it like his dad". Sounds like the 'Enquirer' that's obsessed.

    "Vengeful Harry Stabs Dad In Back!" No, he didn't. When it was revealed that Prince Harry had accepted money for his charities from the Saudi billionaire at the centre of Princes Charles's "royals for sale" scandal, Harry simply pointed out that he had "expressed concerns" about the donor in 2015, which happened to be a year before Charles became embroiled with the same man. What Harry did not say was: "I thought he was an unsavoury character months before my dad was conned."

    "School Shooter's Parents Are Monsters Too!"

    After 15-year-old Ethan Crumbley was arrested for a recent Michigan school shooting, his parents, who had reportedly been convicted of passing bad checks, went on the run. This is sufficient for the tame 'Enquirer' psychiatrist Dr Carole Lieberman to opine: "The parents are sociopaths". Right. You can't argue with a good clinical diagnosis.

    'Globe'

    "Joe Biden Dementia Crisis!" screams the cover story. "Suffering tragic delusions! Dangerous odd behaviour!"

    Well, Ol' Joe only has himself to blame.

    He recently told a crowd that he used to work as a truck driver, which people assumed meant an 18-wheeler. While he may have briefly driven one, he actually spent a season driving a summer school bus in the mid-1960s. A school bus certainly doesn't qualify as a tractor-trailer, but conflating the two large, heavy and unwieldy vehicles doesn't exactly scream "dementia" or "delusion."

    Biden also spoke recently of being asked to serve as a liaison between Israel and Egypt during the 1967 Six-Day War, when in fact he was a law student at the time. Far from being delusional or demented, Biden was simply confusing his Israeli wars, and meant to refer to the Yom Kippur War of 1973, before which Senator Biden met with Israeli premier Gold Meir for talks.

    He was factually wrong with both statements, but they hardly indicate "delusional recollections," and certainly don't rise to the grand delusion of Donald Trump's "Big Lie."

    Dr Carole Liebjerman, of course, offers her diagnosis that Biden is in "psychiatric decline." Right.

    And what about his "dangerous odd behavior"? That's when Biden allegedly fell asleep at the recent world climate conference in Scotland, though it hasn't been proven that Biden wasn't merely resting his eyes and listening intently to the speeches.

    "Prince William: My War With Depression!"

    William recently confessed to experiencing anguish and depression in 2017 after his work as an air ambulance service pilot took him to the aid of a critically injured young boy. There's no indication that William didn't recover from this period of depression, but the 'Globe' quotes a "high-level courtier" saying that "he's still suffering," which the rag claims is "sparking fears he'll buckle under the pressures of royal life once he gains the throne!"

    Why would that be? As monarch is he expected to attend to a slew of near-fatal car crash scenes?

    "Alec Baldwin Fails Shooting Lie Detector!"

    As far as I can recall, the only person who has ever passed the 'Globe' lie detector tests was – surprise, surprise – President Donald Trump. Baldwin claims the he didn't pull the trigger of the gun that shot cinematographer Halyna Hutchins on the movie 'Rust,' which a voice stress analysis – pseudoscience at its best – allegedly shows was false. Can't argue with the facts.

    'People'

    WIth a typically inspirational 'People' profile designed to tug at the heartstrings by exploiting celebrity tragedy, TV's Nick Cannon reveals in the cover story: "My Heart Is Shattered."

    Cannon talks about "losing my baby to cancer," his grief, and finding strength amid tragedy.

    "Kate at 40! How Her Life Is Changing."

    Duchess Kate, who turns 40 on January 9, "is a focused and professional woman" who is "ready to step into" the Queen's shoes alongside her husband when he becomes King William, according to unnamed sources who all seem to talk in dull bromides.

    Kate's children are now all in school, and she's grown more comfortable making public speeches, apparently. She's wearing more glamorous clothes, and a family friend says she is "definitely fit for being Queen one day." It's yet another Royal story with zero insights and 100 per cent puffery.

    'Us Weekly'

    "Inside Keanu's Private World" reads the cover. "The Pain Behind His Smile."

    Keanu Reeves's baby was stillborn, and his then-girlfriend died in a car crash a year later, the rag reveals, adding: "Reeves was heartbroken over the unthinkable losses."

    But this all happened 22 years ago, in 1999.

    You'd think from the cover headline that Reeves had suffered some recent tragedy that haunts him still, but no. He simply has the fourth instalment of 'The Matrix' coming out on December 22, so it's a good time to recycle the actor's ancient pain, even though he hasn't given 'Us Weekly' a single quote for their cover story.

    Thankfully we have the crack investigative squad at 'Us Weekly' to tell us that Paris Jackson wore it best (not hard when Doja Cat looks like she'd stumbled through a set of satin drapes and pulled the curtains around her in panic), that 'The Real Housewives of New York City' alum Tinsley Mortimer "can't live without Pepperidge Farm Goldfish crackers" and will "only wear Hanky Panky lace thong underwear (two cravings that are hopefully unrelated), and that the stars are just like us: they shop for birthday cards, drink coffee, and hang ornaments on their Christmas tree. Scintillating, as always.

    Elsewhere in the Tabloids:

    Husband and wife team Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively dominate the cover of 'O.K!' Magazine, with the headline: "Under Pressure." They reportedly claim: "We're far from perfect." Well, there's a shock.

    Jennifer Aniston is the cover girl for this week's 'In Touch' magazine, though it's highly unlikely that she ever sat down with them to explain: "Why I Never Had Kids." She recently complained of tabloid coverage of her uterus, saying: "You have no clue what's going on with me personally, medically, why I can't . . . can I have kids? They don't know anything."

    Aniston is simply pointing out that there are myriad reasons why people don't have children it wasn't exactly a confession.

    'Life & Style' mag find commonality among the stars – singer Adele, actress Julianne Hough, and one-woman celebrity empire Kim Kardashian – "Finding Love After Divorce." How heart-warming.

    Onwards and downwards . . .