• New Queen's royal war and Joe Biden's cover-up in this week's dubious tabloids

    'National Enquirer'

    "Cruel Queen Camilla Attacks Kate's Kids!" Screams the cover story. "Males Charlotte cry & humiliates her mum!"

    Camilla allegedly told future queen Kate: "Your brats are a disgrace to the Crown!" and reduced "little Charlotte to tears."

    What did Princess Charlotte and Prince George do to invoke the Queen Consort's wrath?

    George supposedly "pinched his sister" during the Queen's funeral service, "making her go 'Ow!" according to a "high-level palace source."

    Camilla's attack was reportedly a salvo in "an all-out war to humiliate royal rival Princess Kate".

    And why might Camilla wage war against Kate?

    According to the 'Enquirer,' it's "because the craggy-faced consort is jealous of her glam daughter-in-law's youth and popularity, courtiers dish."

    Do they? Really?

    "Princess Charlotte burst into tears, sources reveal," reports the rag.

    But who needs sources when TV cameras clearly captured Charlotte wiping away tears as the queen's funeral ended. Yet she wasn't crying because she had been pinched by her brother, or because she had been berated by Camilla. Charlotte cried as the Queen's casket was lowered into the ground. Naturally the 'Enquirer' doesn't let the facts get in the way of a good story.

    "Harry Sticks It To Pop In Public!"

    It's hard to imagine that Prince Harry would ever call King Charles III "Pop," but nonetheless cameras at the Queen's funeral did catch him, alone among members of the Royal Family, not singing along to the National Anthem newly rededicated to his father, allegedly a "shocking snub" as Harry refused to sing "God Save the King."

    Perhaps he didn't know the lyrics?

    "Sly's Roamin' Holiday Infuriates Flavin!"

    Highlighting the problem of its early print deadline when events outpace its publication date, the 'Enquirer' reports that Sylvester Stallone is "wasting no time chatting up beauties" and "seems to be acting single" after his wife Jennifer Flavin filed for divorce. They might have got away with the story, if only Stallone and Flavin hadn't reconciled days earlier.

    "Olivia Hurries To Get Harry Home. – To L.A."

    Olivia Wilde, branded a "bossy beauty," allegedly "wants pop superstar Harry Styles to put a ring on it," and is demanding that her British boyfriend settle down with her in the US.

    But "tipsters squeal . . . Harry's heart still lies in his native England."

    So maybe she'll move with him to England? Or they'll divide their time between both countries, resolving the issue like adults with large disposable incomes sometimes do?

    "Calista Crushes Ford's Career!"

    Harrison Ford turned 80 in July, and has suffered past injuries performing his own stunts on film sets, ranging from bruised ribs, a torn ACL, herniated disc, and broken ankle, to a shoulder injury while filming his fifth and latest Indiana Jones adventure.

    Ford told the audience at Disney's D23 Expo in mid-September: "That's it. I won't fall for you again," widely interpreted as meaning that he would be doing no more stunts as Indiana Jones.

    The 'Enquirer,' of course, interprets it as Ford quitting acting completely, and then goes further by blaming his wife, Calista Flockhart, for forcing the octogenarian to call it quits, "for fear film stunts will kill him."

    Has the 'Enquirer' never heard of stuntmen?

    It's been four months since a Delaware grand jury's term of duty expired, having probed the activities of President Joe Biden's son Hunter without bringing any indictments.

    The 'Enquirer' naturally claims: "Crafty President Joe Biden is covering up son Hunter's shady foreign business dealings and sketchy financial games by squashing the federal investigation into the recovering crack addict's alleged crimes".

    One suspects that the 'Enquirer' meant to impugn Hunter's "sketchy financial gains," but "games" sounds more playful, as if he was just having fun with various illicit financial dealings, and didn't really mean anything by it.

    There's zero evidence that the White House has exerted any influence on the case, but "critics charge prez is covering for his crooked son." Because that's what critics do.

    "The Skinny on Ben's Manorexia!"

    A healthy, trim and toned Ben Affleck "may be suffering from manorexia!" reports the 'Enquirer,' always at the forefront of neologistic invention. Or maybe he's not.

    'Globe'

    "King Charles' Heart Is Failing!" Declares the front page just days after Charles took the throne.

    Britain's newly-hailed monarch, still months away from his coronation, is a "heartbeat from death," claims the 'Globe.'

    Charles III, aged 73, is "secretly dying from a fatal heart condition, stunned sources reveal!"

    The 'Globe'unveils a "top doctor's devastating diagnosis!"

    Which is that Charles has swollen fingers, which indicate edema, which if a patient has a weak heart – though there's no indication that Charles has any cardiac weakness – could lead to congestive heart failure.

    An unnamed doctor tells the rag: "Swollen hands and feet are both signs of heart failure."

    But swollen fingers could also be a sign of arthritis, or a high salt diet, or of medications taken for blood pressure, or of steroids taken for any number of ailments, none of which put Charles a heartbeat from death.

    Another celebrity allegedly at death's door is a country music legend: "Loretta Lynn, 90," reportedly making her "Brave Farewell!"

    If that sounds familiar, it's because the 'Globe' reported in November 2018: "Loretta Lynn, 86, Goes Home To Die."

    She didn't oblige the 'Globe' then, and she may not now.

    When tabloids reported her imminent death in 2019 Lynn said: "You're kidding me!" Again, she refused to oblige them with a funeral.

    Of course, if the 'Globe' keeps repeating this story every year or two, sooner or later it will be proven correct, and then the rag will doubtless crow that it scooped the world. As if.

    "Adam Sandler Surgery Shocker! Why he's using a cane."

    The comedy star reportedly underwent recent hip replacement surgery, hence the cane. Is that really shocking to anyone?

    "UFOs Monitor Ukraine War!"

    If the 'Globe' means that there are drones above battlefields that the tabloid can't identify, then yes, there are UFOs hovering over the Ukraine. But they are most likely of terrestrial origin, and not as the 'Globe' reports "space invaders" who are "studying Earth's weapons & tactics!"

    'People'

    "Kelly Ripa Tells All!" dominates this week's cover.

    The TV host discusses marriage, sex, kids, Botox and former TV co-star Regis Philbin. It's as scintillating as you'd expect.

    "Why Sylvester Stallone & Jennifer Flavin Called Off Their Divorce."

    Claims an unnamed source: "They love each other."

    As if any relationship is that simple.

    'Us Weekly'

    "Blake Lively's Countdown to Baby," declares the front page. "Pregnant & In Love Again."

    The headline suggests – wrongly – that Lively fell out of love with husband Ryan Reynolds, but thanks to her pregnancy is "in love again." Not even close.

    Naturally, the rag has interviewed neither Lively nor Reynolds.

    "She's absolutely glowing," reveals an unnamed source, who adds: "They just want a healthy baby."

    That's the sort of detail you can only get from true insiders who know the stars' innermost thoughts and secrets.

    "The Real Meghan? Palace Staff Speak Out."

    That's the blurb on the mag's cover, and on page 8 readers are teased again with the promise that Duchess Meghan is "rising above . . .claims she previously bullied palace staffers."

    But the story buried inside the mag is just one brief paragraph, repeating old claims that Meghan has berated employees.

    "Of course it hurts," says an alleged source, "but Meghan will tough it out and try not to let it get to her."

    Sure she will.

    Thankfully we have the crack investigative team at 'Us Weekly' to tell us that Brooke Burke wore it best, that Cheryl Burke (no relation) admits:" It has been a year since I've had sex," and that the stars are just like us: they carry their dry cleaning, try skincare products, shop for a new iPhone, and get coffee to go.Rivetting stuff.

    Elsewhere in the tabloids . . .

    'Life & Style'

    The Kardashian klan klaim the kover story: "What's Wrong With Khloé?"

    The answer, apparently: "Loneliness, Humiliation & Drastic Weight Loss."

    But that's not all. She allegedly "Spent $2 million on plastic surgery."

    Behind it all: Khloé's decision to have a second baby by surrogate with Tristan Thompson, shortly before he cheated on her, fathering a child with another woman.

    "Mom Kris staging intervention!" claims 'Life & Style,' though it seems a little late for that.

    'In Touch'

    "The Palace Finally Tells All!"

    Actually, the Palace – Buckingham or Kensington, you take your pick – tells nothing.

    It's former staffers who allegedly accuse Duchess Meghan of "Bullying, Abuse And Temper Tantrums," according to a new royal tell-all book.

    But if reports of Palace staff's antipathy to Meghan are accurate, the leaked complaints could well have originated from within Palace walls, with tacit Royal approval.

    Maybe Prince Charles will sit down with Oprah Winfrey to spill the tea?

    Onwards and downwards . . .

  • Secrets the Queen took to her grave, in this week's dubious tabloids

    'National Enquirer'

    "Charles Exiles Sex Creep Andrew!" screams the cover story. "Banished to Bahamas with dead queen's dogs! Cut off from royal cash & forced to live on pension! Ingrates Harry & Meghan are next on the hit list!"

    The 'Enquirer' claims that "Andrew will leave Britain when the official period of mourning ends – penniless, stripped of all rank and only taking his mother's corgi dogs, according to palace spies."

    Perhaps time to get new spies. But yes, it appears that Prince Andrew will indeed care for his mother's two corgis. One suspects that won't be all that he inherits.

    "Prince Harry awaits a similar fate," claims the rag, referring to Harry's future in exile, rather than becoming a pet to Prince Andrew.

    Is the 'Enquirer' perhaps unaware that Harry has already departed British shores, and is supporting himself financially (with the aid of wife Meghan) in the former colonies?

    "What Really Killed the Queen!"

    Was it old age? Was it the cancer that the 'Enquirer' has claimed Her Majesty battled for more than a decade, yet has inexplicably stopped mentioning? Could it have been Russian agents, or Al Qaeda?

    No, apparently it was Prince Charles who killed his mother.

    "Charles pulled the plug after devastating stroke," according to a "high-level palace courtier," who apparently talks to the 'Enquirer' but not to any of Britain's other newspapers of record. That seems to be a habit among "palace insiders."

    "It was the worst moment of his life," says the source. Well, it would be, wouldn't it?

    But the 'Enquirer' isn't finished with the royals yet.

    "It's Good To Be King!" proclaims the rag, focusing on King Charles III, looking at the "cranky new ruler's bizarre secret habits." Charles allegedly has valets iron his shoelaces (don't we all?), squeezes "exactly one inch of toothpaste on his brush every morning," demands daily homemade bread, and wants his favourite cheeses pre-warmed. Well, who wants cold cheese?

    For tabloid Royalists there's no lack of commemorative tchotchkes to buy in this week's 'Enquirer': there are ads for rings, earrings and necklaces "honouring the life & legacy of the Queen" with genuine "diamonesk" gemstones, a Diamond Jubilee porcelain figure of the Queen, a limited edition Coronation figurine of the Queen with "dazzling mosaic glass gown and robe," a commemorative plate, and "collector's editions" of magazine specials about Her Majesty. Exactly the sort of treasured memento mori that Prince Charles will undoubtedly be snapping up for display in Buckingham Palace.

    "Oops! Kelly Mistakes Menopause For Pregnancy."

    It's an easy mistake to make. Kelly Ripa reportedly had the facts of life explained to her by husband Mark Consuelos.

    "Chelsea & Ivanka's Blood Feud Erupts!"

    As if the former First Daughters were ever best friends.

    "Fears For Spears! Suicide warning lights flash for Britney after betrayal by her sons."

    Sons Sean and Jayden publicly said they were embarrassed by Spears' naked selfies, and the 'Enquirer' decides that will make the singer suicidal. Right.

    'Globe'

    Britain's royal soap opera naturally dominates this week's cover after recent upheavals among the cast: "New Queen Camilla's Royal Reign of Terror! Abusing power and settling old scores! Reduces Kate to tears! Fires William's friend! Loots family heirlooms!"

    And she kicked the Queen's corgis.

    Okay, Camilla didn't kick the dogs, but the 'Globe' paints her as a Royal version of Cruella de Vil, calling her Britain's new "vengeful Queen" even though she's actually the Queen Consort, evidently bent on a "ruthless rampage."

    And the Queen not yet cold in the ground.

    "She's helped herself to the best of Elizabeth's jewels," the rag rages about Camilla. What part of Charles inheriting his mother's estate does the 'Globe' not understand?

    The rag notes that Prince Andrew has "hung around the palace like a bad smell," but Camilla has decreed that his "sole job will be to clean up after his late mother's beloved corgis and keep the pets happy." Isn't that expecting an awful lot of Andrew, who probably has vassals to clean up the dog poo for him?

    "Grim Secrets Queen Took To The Grave!"

    No, she didn't know where Jimmy Hoffa is buried. She didn't even know who let the dogs out. (Who? Who?)

    But the Queen did allegedly know "who killed Diana," the truth about the "Andrew sex scandal," and the "truth about Meghan!"

    What truth about Meghan? We may never know, because the Queen took that information with her to the grave. How convenient.

    "Matt's Looking Perry Different!"

    Former 'Friends' star Matthew Perry is photographed at the US Open appearing "thinner, neater and healthier" than in the past.

    The 'Globe' suggests he has undergone a "head-to-toe makeover," but it seems more likely that he simply washed and dressed before attending such a public event, rather than being caught unawares sloppily dressed when walking out near his New York home.

    'People'

    No prizes for guessing that it's a Royal cover story. King Charles' sons, Princes William and Harry, dominate this week's front page with their wives Kate and Meghan, as the rag dissects: "Their Private Pain & Fragile Reunion."

    A photographer catches the moment where Meghan turns to Harry with a look of compassion and concern on her face, as they stand a step behind a balding William and stern-faced Kate. Meghan's look seems to say: "Are you going to be that bald in a couple of years?" The answer could be: Yes.

    But that's not what 'People' mag focuses on. Instead, it analyzes the "strain and emotion" that lay beneath the Queen's demise and funeral.

    The mag offers useful insights into the future, such as: "Whatever becomes of the fractured bonds between them, the royal family will carry on, insider say." Well, that's revelatory.

    This week's edition is like three magazines in one. Included is 'People Country,' a bonus section featuring country music stars including Trace Adkins ("I'm lucky to be alive") and Tanya Tucker; a section on the Toronto International Film Festival (Daniel Craig, Kate Hudson, Seth Rogen, Viola Davis, Nicolas Cage); plus another bonus section of "50 Food Faves!" – the "trends and moments that have helped us cook, eat and find inspiration this year." Assuming that you can find inspiration in soup dumplings and grated egg on avocado toast..

    'Us Weekly'

    "Funeral of the Century" takes this week's cover.

    The 21st century is barely one-fifth over, but 'Us Weekly' is calling the winner in the funeral stakes, and its's Queen Elizabeth.

    Against all other royal analysis, the rag claims that Prince Harry has been "offered shock return to royal duty." It's impressive how the rag's royal insiders consistently scoop the rest of the world's media, even if they are rarely proved accurate.

    There's also an alternate cover to this week's edition, which features Hollywood relationships breaking up, and others just beginning, under the headline: "It's Over! – It's On!"

    Allegedly over: Sandra Bullock and Bryan Randall; along with Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen.

    Allegedly on: Leonardo DiCaprio and Gigi Hadid; along with Pete Davidson and Emily Ratajkowski.

    Elsewhere in the tabloids:

    'In Touch'

    DiCaprio's "exes warn Gigi: Don't Date Leo!" The cover story explores the actor's alleged "paranoia, obsession & creepy habits!":

    'Life & Style'

    Jennifer Aniston "Fires Back! Angie Ruined My Life."

    This is after 'Rolling Stone' magazine founder Jann Wenner claimed his his autobiography that it was Angelina Jolie who tipped off his photographers that she and Brad Pitt were secretly holidaying in Africa and told them where to find the couple, knowing that exposing their romance would explode Pitt's marriage to Aniston. All well and good, but it's unlikely that Aniston would have said a word to a reporter from 'Life & Style.'

  • Prince Charles and Joe Biden unfit to lead in last week's dubious tabloids

    'National Enquirer'

    Continuing its relentless coverage of the British Royal Family soap opera, this week's cover story features the Queen's son under the headline: "Unfit to be King! Greedy Charles Took $1.2M Bin Laden Bribe After 9/11 Attack!"

    No, despite the large photo of Osama Bin Laden on the cover, Prince Charles didn't take cash from the Al Qaeda mastermind, but from two of his half-brothers in his extended Bin Laden family.

    And no, it wasn't a bribe to line the price's pockets as the 'Enquirer' suggests, but was a donation to his Prince of Wales Charitable Foundation, which despite the rag's claim does not contribute "to his living expenses."

    Accepting Bin Laden family money may have been tone deaf, but it has not "torpedoed his chance of becoming king," as the 'Enquirer' claims. Shaky as it is, the monarchy is made of sterner stuff.

    "Bottle Blonde! Pals fear Britney's raising one glass too many in toxic plunge into booze."

    Britney Spears, given her independence last year after 13 years under a court-ordered conservatorship, was spotted drinking cocktails – her first time ever visiting a bar in her 40-year lifetime.

    Naturally, the 'Enquirer' claims that one drink in a bar "leads friends to fear she's heading for a crash," according to an unnamed insider who presumably lives in a monastery on an abstemious diet of bread, water and self-flagellation.

    "Cara In Chaos!"

    The tabloid eviscerates Cara Delevigne for having the audacity to leave the house in crumpled shorts and a tank top, proving that the stars are not like us: they have to be immaculately turned out every moment they're in the public eye, or some grubby tabloid hack will think their life is falling apart.

    "Disheveled Delevigne sets off alarm bells," raves the rag, adding that "pals are urging her to get help before it's too late!" Right. Crumpled shorts are just a cry for help. Is there a self-help hotline for a Good Samaritan with a steam iron?

    "Uncle Sam Flushes Your Cash Down The Toilet!"

    The 'Enquirer' highlights questionable government research funding, including grants to study a "smart toilet" that can run a health test on feces; a virtual reality program allowing users to inhabit the world of an Antarctic penguin; a project to "reanimate . . . zombie kittens" (actually an experiment on repairing severed spinal cords); "transgendered monkeys" (actually testing the effects of injecting male monkeys with female hormones); and robot vineyards (actually automation to analyse when best to pick grapes).

    "Dementia Fears For Space-Case Shatner!"

    Star Trek's William Shatner is 91 years old, still acting, writing books and doing commercials for Priceline, but the 'Enquirer' claims "he's getting more disorganized and absentminded."

    Empathetic as ever, the rag quotes an unnamed "insider" as saying: "God forbid it's dementia, but what else are people to think . . ?" Maybe they'll think he's 91?

    'Globe'

    "Biden Too Sick To Run Again!" Screams the cover story.

    The president who turns 80 in November is battling his second bout of coronavirus, which the 'Globe' claims is taking a "terrible toll!" He's also allegedly "losing memory and struggling to walk!"

    The rag throws in claims that "experts see . . .signs of dementia." Of course they do. That's what experts are for.

    With its well-informed sources deep within the Oval Office, the rag reveals that Biden has secretly told aides "he won't run for reelection in 2024." Right. Another 'Globe' worldwide exclusive.

    "Charles Took $1M In Bin Laden Cash!"

    Prince Charles's charity actually took in $1.2 million from the Bin Laden clan – so what happened to the other $200,000? The 'Globe' doesn't say, or perhaps simply forgot to translate British pounds into American dollars. Even though they acknowledge that it was a "gift to his charity" the rag still calls this a "bribery scandal."

    Without any evidence whatsoever, the tabloid gleefully adds that the Bin Laden payment was publicly exposed because "Charles' vengeful son Harry has been squealing about the king-in-waiting's shocking dealings with fat Arabs". As if Harry would have any idea who made private contributions to his father's charities, or would call the media with a hot tip.

    "Putin Paralyzed By Parkinson's!"

    The Russian leader is allegedly "limping and can't move right arm." As evidence of this claim they show a photo of Putin using his left hand to supposedly "swat mosquitoes" on his right cheek, proving that "his nearer right arm appears useless." Can't argue with medical science.

    "Gotcha."

    It's the infamous headline used by UK tabloid The Sun when British forces sunk Argentinian battleship the General Belgrano during the Falklands War in 1982 – a headline that captured the jingoism of the moment, while drawing criticism for its lack of compassion for the many who died in the attack.

    Now "Gotcha!" Is the headline employed by the 'Globe' after a US drone strike killed Osama Bin Laden's successor, Ayman al-Zawahiri. Tasteful as ever.

    'People'

    "Olivia Newton-John" is this week's cover story, which tells of "A Life of Love & Courage."

    The pop singer and 'Grease' star "inspired generations with her strength and joy." 'People' mag does its usual job turning a pop culture figure into an "icon."

    "Anne Heche – Her Shocking Car Crash." Promising "exclusive details," the mag exclusively reveals that the woman whose house Heche ploughed into, Lynne Mischele, "escaped the crash with her two dogs, Bree and Rueban, and turtle Marley."

    Yes, that gives readers an entirely new level of understanding of the true tragedy behind this accident: two dogs and a turtle have been unhoused.

    But even this detail isn't actually exclusive, having been reported online three days earlier.

    'Us Weekly'

    There are two competing covers this week, each equally insightful.

    On one there's Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson, supposedly talking about "Fame, Family, Sacrifices."

    But readers expecting a six-page cover story might be surprised by the meagre three-paragraph story within, which is devoted to promoting Johnson's Teremana brand of tequila

    "I've found it so rewarding hearing from people who love the tequila and drink it with friends and family," he says, apparently having little love for those who drink it with strangers.

    Taylor Swift dominates the alternate cover gracing newsstands, with a story promising to take readers "Inside Taylor's Mysterious World."

    At least she's given four pages inside, beneath the headline: "Where In The World Is Taylor Swift?"

    If that sounds familiar, it may be because you recall the 'Us Weekly' cover story of May 22, 2017: "Taylor Swift – Why She Disappeared."

    Five years later, the same magazine claims the singer has "traded the spotlight for a low-key life".

    And of course, "low-key" means she hasn't spoken with the magazine, and they haven't the faintest idea what she's up to.

    Thankfully we have the crack investigative team at 'Us Weekly' to tell us that Carrie Coon wore it best, that Brazilian model ("and mom of three!") Camila Alves McConaughey's "favorite room in my home is the kitchen," and that the stars are just like us: they eat pizza, search their purses for change, shop at the pharmacy, and go through metal detectors – though few are manic enough to cringe and squirm as if they're being electrocuted while passing through a security screening, as Prince Charles apparently did: a move likely to invite a full body cavity search at most international airports.

    Onwards and downwards . . .

  • Why the Queen hates Meghan, in this week's dubious tabloids

    'National Enquirer'

    What happens in Las Vegas stays in Vegas, but we're supposed to believe that private conversations in Buckingham Palace end up on the front page of the 'National Enquirer,' which this week declares: "The Queen Hates Meghan!"

    The 'Enquirer' claims to reveal "what her majesty says behind closed doors!" Because of course, they'd know. Maybe the Queen phones them with tips, just to keep herself in the news?

    With the mag's trademark journalistic objectivity, calling Meghan "fame-hungry," an "American upstart," "publicity-obsessed" and a "ruthless social climber," the 'Enquirer' quotes a senior courtier – as if – who claims that the Queen views Prince Harry's wife as "a real threat to the monarchy" by hinting that Meghan will "use her title for an ambitious career in politics".

    Right. Because Americans are just begging to elect to public office an actress whose husband is sixth in line to the throne.

    "Diesel Fires Up Crush On Mirren!"

    Vin Diesel had dinner with his 'Fast X' co-star, 77-year-old Dame Helen Mirren, 22 years his senior, while both were on location in Italy, and so the 'Enquirer' declares it a romantic dinner and reckons "he is smitten." The rag notes that Diesel's girlfriend "was nowhere in sight." I'm sure she's worried.

    "Top Gun Tom Tangled In Scientology Dogfight!"

    No he's not.

    Tom Cruise has zero involvement with the rape allegations by three women against Scientology member Danny Masterson, but the 'Enquirer' draws that invisible thread tight, claiming that Cruise could suffer the "backlash in an increasingly woke Hollywood." Right. Because nobody in Hollywood has ever heard a bad word against Scientology in the past, and the shock could end his career.

    "Tattletale Maxwell Stashed In Club Fed!"

    Sex trafficker Ghislaine Maxwell has been moved to a low-security federal prison in Florida, as expected after her conviction, and the 'Enquirer' claims she has "landed in a cushy, country-club-like prison . . . following a secret deal to sell out old party pal Donald Trump and other intimates of billionaire pedophile Jeffrey Epstein."

    Just like all the other inmates there sold out the rich and famous to land behind bars in Tallahassee. Don't hold your breath waiting for the Feds to question Trump or Bill Clinton about anything Maxwell allegedly told them.

    'Globe'

    Like a lover spurned, the 'Globe' turns on two old favorites with its cover story: "Trump vs. Fox News. New Feud Explodes!"

    The former president and the formerly "fair and balanced" network are allegedly "trading shots over slights & betrayals."

    In other words, it's business as usual.

    Cosmetic surgery allegations run riot in the 'Globe,' as Jane Fonda, David Hasselhoff and Michael Douglas are all accused in separate articles of undergoing cosmetic procedures.

    "New Kisser For Born-Again Cougar Jane!"

    "Old Age Is Hassling The Hoff!"

    "Michael's Mug Looks Younger!"

    Not that there's any corroborative evidence for any of these stories, other than the fact that the trio "look" younger.

    "Harry & Meghan's Sell-By Date Expires!"

    You can search their bodies in vain for a barcode or a stamped "sell-by date," but the duo are allegedly "in a desperate dash to cash in on their celebrity as the spotlight begins shifting to his brother."

    As if the Sussexes' media deals with Netflix, Spotify et al are dependent on Harry being the dominant brother. It's safe to say that Netflix is not seriously thinking: "When the Queen dies, maybe we can sign a production deal with William instead?" The 'Globe' might be mistaking the Royal Family for the Kardashians.

    "People are getting turned off by their pushiness and self-promoting proclamations about how wonderful and important they are," claims an unidentified "royal insider," who could also be talking about the Kardashians.

    But isn't that the definition of being a member of the Royal Family?

    'People'

    British royalty continues to dominate with this week's cover story: "The Making of a Queen." It's Kate Middleton, who American tabloid reporters don't seem to understand won't become Queen when Elizabeth II dies, and will still have to wait for Prince Charles to take the throne and possibly reign for another 20 years or more, if he lives as long as his parents. Undeterred, the mag claims that Duchess Kate "is shaping her role for the modern world and modelling herself on the reigning Queen: 'Never complain, never explain'"

    They might have added: . . . and never talk to 'People' magazine.

    'Us Weekly'

    Hollywood royalty takes centre stage on this week's cover: "All About Brad's Hot New Romance!"

    The last time Brad Pitt was seen out in public with a woman the tabloids rang wedding bells, yet she quickly faded from sight. Now Pitt is supposedly dating again, and he "finally gave up on Jen Aniston." Actually, Pitt gave up thoughts of rekindling his romance with ex-wife Aniston years ago, but the tabloids kept clinging to the hope of a fairytale reunion.

    So who is the lucky lady?

    'Us Weekly' hasn't a clue, of course. It's unclear f there even is a woman in Pitt's life: an unnamed source tells the rag: "Brad's not fully committed to anyone just yet".

    Right. That sure sounds like a "hot new romance."

    Thankfully we have the crack investigative team at 'Us Weekly' to tell us that Kaia Gerber wore it best (a rare defeat for Bella Hadid that will be talked about for months), that Lauren Conrad is "excellent at Tetris," and that the stars are just like us: they shop at Target, dine outdoors, and recycle old garbage – just like the tabloids.

    Onwards and downwards . . .

  • America's second civil war erupts in this week's dubious tabloids

    'National Enquirer'

    Just in case you missed it, the 'Enquirer' helpfully tells readers: "America's Second Civil War Erupts!"

    That should prove an interesting side-show to World War III, which the 'Enquirer' told us in April 2021 is "coming," having made the same prediction in April 2017.

    How do we know that America's second Civil War has begun?

    "Mass shootings! Violent mobs! Economic terror!" raves the rag, seemingly forgetting that those disturbing conditions are pretty much America's standard operating procedure."Why NO ONE is safe & democracy's in DANGER!"

    Let's be thankful that we have the 'Enquirer' to fight for democracy, freedom and typographical liberation. We can all sleep a little sounder at night, knowing that any sentence can safely be littered with words in ALL CAPS

    The tabloid weight police are out in force this week, with songbirds in their sights.

    "Oh, Lardy!" laments the 'Enquirer,' after seeing recent photos of singer Pink, claiming that "Porky Pink has packed on an estimated 90 pounds."

    Or she's just wearing a baggy sweater and pants.

    Jessica Simpson suffers the other side of the tabloid's wrath: "Scary Skinny Simpson Takes Our Breath Away!"

    The singer, for many years accused by the tabloids of being overweight, allegedly now looks "stick-thin" in a bikini. Naturally the tab trots out a random doctor to say that gaining and losing weight rapidly "puts her health at extreme risk."

    Celebrities just can't win.

    I's all over for Jennifer Aniston, as the 'Enquirer' declares: "For Jen, Time Is No Friend!"

    According to the rag, the "Bubbly actress has gone flat after years out of limelight."

    That's right: as iif she's a stale Alka Selzer tablet past her sell-by date, she's allegedly lost her effervescence.

    Ignore the fact that Aniston has nine films in development, one in post-production and another poised to begin shooting, plus an Apple TV+ hit with drama series 'The Morning Show' for which she won a best actress Emmy nomination in 2020, is currently Emmy-nominated this year, and had another Emmy nomination in 2021 for producing 'Friends: The Reunion.'

    How's that for going flat?

    "She hasn't changed her look or her hair since about 2000," a "Tinseltown tipster tattles." Right.If that's the standard by which all Hollywood careers should be measured, then Tom Cruise's career flat-lined decades ago.

    "Paralyzed J.Lo Drives Herself To Brink!"

    No, she doesn't.

    Lopez, aged 53, confessed that in her 20s – three decades ago – her relentless work schedule led her to panic attacks that left her barely able to move.

    The 'Enquirer' rolls out a doctor who has never treated J.Lo to claim that those ancient panic attacks could return. She seemed perfectly ambulatory walking down the aisle with Ben Affleck earlier this month, though.

    "Crybaby Prince's Poison Pen Letter!"

    A "bitter letter" penned by Prince Charles 20 years ago complaining about household staff who "exercise their pathetic jealousies and vendettas in public" . . . is made public.

    'Globe'

    "Trump Family Feud Explodes!" screams the cover. "Lies! Betrayal! Insults!"

    The former president who believes he is still president "has turned on his favorite child, Ivanka, over her greedy, self-serving husband Jared Kushner."

    According to the politically astute 'Globe' political team: "Ivanka has been told Jared is no longer welcome in Donald Trump's inner circle."

    It's hard to imagine that Trump is lucid enough to think this clearly, but that's the claim.

    Yet the 'Globe' offers no substantive evidence of Trump souring on Kushner; there's only former senior White House advisor Kellyanne Conway allegedly critiquing Kushner for profiting from his father-in-law's presidency and for not taking responsibility for his part in Trump's 2020 election defeat.

    "Why Harry's Becoming US Citizen!"

    In the battle to control Britain's renegade prince, "Meghan wins!" exalts the mag.

    It would make sense for Harry to become an American citizen for tax purposes – but that's not the reason why, according to the 'Globe,' which intuits a more sinister motivation: to allow Meghan "to pursue power and fame."

    Because as every tabloid reader knows, Meghan wants to be President of the United States.

    But she's currently the Duchess of Sussex, and the 'Globe' explains that Meghan's ambition to run for Congress – the first step on her ladder to the Oval Office – would be thwarted by the US Constitution prohibiting public officials from holding a title bestowed by "King, Prince or foreign State."

    Naturally, "henpecked Harry" would give up his "royal titles & British citizenship" to help Meghan achieve her goal of global domination. At least, that's what the 'Globe'; believes.

    'People'

    South Carolina attorney Alex Murdaugh dominates the cover, after he is "finally charged with gunning down his wife and younger son."

    'People' mag can't get enough of this story, which they have covered in depth before, and once again take readers "Inside a Night of Terror."

    "J.Lo & Ben's Wedding." The mag offers "romantic details" about their surprise Las Vegas nuptials.

    "We did it," is the headline, a quote taken from the "JLo newsletter" posted online for her fans.

    But will she still be "J.Lo" after legally changing her name on their wedding certificate to "Jennifer Lynn Affleck?" Does that make her "J.Aff" now? It doesn't have the same ring to it.

    "Oh hey, Demi!"

    With this strangely unilluminating headline 'People' mag tells readers that as Demi Moore approaches her 60th birthday in November she is launching – and modelling – her new signature swimwear line. No guarantee that other 59-year-olds will look quite as good sporting Moore's bikini sets.

    'Us Weekly'

    Hollywood's newlyweds du jour command this week's cover: "J.Lo & Ben – Just Married In Vegas!"

    Amid its superficial report of the nuptials, 'Us Weekly' claims the couple tied the knot without signing a prenuptial agreement – which seems hard to comprehend given that Lopez is worth an estimated $400 million, almost three times Affleck's estimated $150 million fortune.

    Love can be blind, but since it's her fourth marriage you'd think J.Aff might have learned to protect her fortune by now. Or could 'Us Weekly' have this wrong?

    Thankfully we have the crack investigative team at 'Us Weekly' to tell us that Dakota Johnson wore it best, that comedian Nikki Glaser wants to "start a parrot rescue," and that the stars are just like us: they haul their luggage at airports, sway on swings, and sing along with bands at open air concerts. Celebrity antics at their most revealing.

    Onwards and downwards . . .

  • Ghislaine snitches on Trump in last week's dubious tabloids

    'National Enquirer'

    If Joe Biden ever decides to make a blatantly political abuse of his presidential powers of pardon, he might make this week's 'National Enquirer' cover story a reality.

    Otherwise it's hard to imagine this will o' the wisp yarn becoming corporeal anywhere in the real world: "Maxwell Sells Out Trump! Epstein Madam dealing for pardon from Biden!"

    According to this tabloid of record: "Imprisoned child sex trafficker Ghislaine Maxwell has told authorities she's ready to squeal on party pal Donald Trump in a desperate bid to get out of jail before she dies."

    Presumably because getting out of jail after she dies isn't optimal.

    If Maxwell was going to plea bargain, it would have been before her conviction and sentencing to 20 years imprisonment, not afterwards when she is now relying on a rare presidential pardon or commuted sentence.

    If Biden pardoned Maxwell just to nail Trump, he would be excoriated for making a purely political move that blatantly offers an incentive to Maxwell to potentially lie about the former president to win her freedom.

    Apart from the fact that Maxwell is a convicted criminal whose word can hardly be trusted, how could she prove any allegation she levels against Trump?

    The story isn't even supported by evidence that Maxwell has requested such a deal. The best the 'Enquirer' can come up with is a New York attorney who says: "after hearing her sentence, Ghislaine may have realized she has no other options but to sing."

    Note the "may have" – because it's all wildly speculative.

    "Pitt's Paralyzing Brian Disease!"

    No, Brad Pitt isn't paralyzed, and nor does he suffer a brain disease.

    The actor claimed to have a disorder that causes "face blindness," or difficulty recognising people's faces. It's not, as the 'Enquirer' claims, that Pitt "can't recognise friends & family," but that he can't always place faces.

    Prosopagnosia, as it's known, can be congenital from birth or can be acquired from a head injury, stroke or certain neurodegenerative conditions, but it's rarely a "brain disease."

    Of course, it could just be Pitt's lazy excuse for not remembering the names of studio executives to whom he's expected to genuflect.

    "Charles & Camilla Lead Separate Lives."

    This is what happens when Prince Charles's wife Camilla sits down to tell British Vogue that their lives are so hectic that "sometimes it's like ships passing in the night."

    The 'Enquirer' claims that with this revelation Camilla has "blown the lid off their sham marriage".

    Unsurprisingly, the 'Enquirer' fails to include the rest of Camilla's full quote, or any other part of her interview in which she explained that the royal couple are still close and loving.

    "Sometime it's like ships passing in the night," she said, "but we always sit down together and have a cup of tea and discuss the day. It's lovely to catch up when we have a bit of time."

    "Windsor Clan Is Royal Pain For Taxpayers!"

    The Royal Family is reportedly demanding an additional $33 million to "keep the high-flying Windsor family afloat."

    The 'Enquirer' fails to mention that the extra cash will be spread over the next two years, and that it's been necessitated by a 29 per cent rise in the cost of maintaining royal properties including Buckingham Palace, Windsor Castle and St James's Palace.

    That is the equivalent of every person in the UK paying $1.54 toward the upkeep and feeding of the Royals. At least Prince Harry and Meghan paid the Royals $2.86 million for the refurbishment of their Frogmore Cottage home on the Queen's Windsor estate – yet they are the ones treated like freeloaders.

    "Roswell Crash Aliens Put In Tiny Coffins!"

    What else would they be put in – Ziplock bags?

    The US military allegedly "called on a local undertaker to make child-sized coffins for aliens killed in the notorious UFO crash" claims the rag.

    Undertaker Glen Dennis, who died seven years ago yet is somehow talking now, allegedly told a military police officer that after the mysterious crash in 1947 of an unidentified craft at Roswell, New Mexico, he was contacted and asked to supply small coffins. Dennis naturally assumed that the coffins must be for aliens, because why would the Pentagon want to bury small children? And what else would they do with dead aliens, except bury them. Scientists couldn't possibly want to keep the bodies for study, could they?

    If you're an undertaker asked to make small coffins after a UFO sighting, you just know they're for alien corpses. That's just common sense.

    'Globe'

    It's celebrity marriage mayhem dominating this week's cover: "George & Julia's Secret Romance Revealed! Jealousy! Marriage troubles! Ultimatums!"

    Clooney and Roberts, soon to be seen starring in their new rom-com 'Ticket to Paradise,' are having a "torrid romance" according to the 'Enquirer.'

    Except that nothing in the story supports that claim.

    It only reports that Clooney and Roberts "may have been too close for comfort" and "their continuing coziness and flirting have their spouses seething with jealousy and demanding they knock it off."

    There's no actual claim of an affair. Only the allegation that their significant others – Amal Clooney and Danny Moder – would like them to stop flirting.

    Right.

    "Robot Crabs Eat Tumors!"

    Are robot crabs what cyborgs get after a wild night out with AI sex workers?

    No – they are nanobots created by engineers at Northwestern University that reportedly could one day be used to clear blocked arteries and attack tutors.

    "Kris Jenner's Boozing Over Edge!" claims one headline. "Kris Likes Booze Better Than Sex!" rants another.

    After the Kardashian's momager's eight years with boyfriend Corey Gamble, "their passion has cooled way down," claims an unidentified "insider," who adds: "These days she's all about money, family, food and booze."

    That hardly suggests that her drinking is "over the edge," whatever that might mean.

    'People'

    Septuagenarian sensations are this week's cover boys: "Steve Martin & Martin Short – Our Incredible 36-Year Friendship!"

    Yet with Martin aged 76 and Short aged 72, it's hardly remarkable that either of them might have decades-long friendships.

    The veteran comics say: "Laughter keeps us young."

    Only clichés in the building.

    "Everything's Coming Up Daisy."

    'Where The Crawdads Sing' star Daisy Edgar-Jones shows how to fill four pages without revealing a single thing about yourself.

    "I was quite shy," she says of her childhood, "so acting was a chance to do things that me, myself, would be too shy to do."

    Truly insightful.

    'Us Weekly'

    "Cameron Diaz" is this week's smiling cover girl, revealing her "Baby Joy At 50! She wants a boy after daughter by surrogate."

    Not that she's said a word to the rag, of course.

    This is the same story that was circulating in Hollywood back in March: having successfully had a child by surrogacy in 2019, Diaz allegedly wants a second.

    But there's nothing new to suggest this story is any more accurate than past gossip.

    "What A Prince!"

    'Us Weekly' has unnamed "insiders reveal exclusive details about Prince George's secret world."

    Among the secrets exposed:

    • "He's very protective of Charlotte and Louis."

    • For his 9th birthday party George will have "an outdoor music-festival-themed party" with a "dance floor, candy stations and a food truck".

    • "The children will be starting a new school in the fall".

    • "William and George are like two peas in a pod."

    • George will have a tea party with the Queen at Windsor Castle for his birthday, "just the two of them." (not too be confused with George's music-fest-themed party the same day.)

    • "If George and Charlotte make a mess, they clean up after themselves".

    Revelatory.

    Thankfully we have the crack investigative team at 'Us Weekly,' which now appears to have gone bi-monthly, to tell us that Ariana DuBose wore it best, that 'Misfits' actress Jamie Chung's favorite meal is "Korean hot pot," and that the stars are just like us: they walk barefoot on the beach, ride scooters, apply sunscreen, and launch the Blueberry Council's campaign to benefit No Kid Hungry. Just like everyone else with a blueberry sponsorship deal.

    Elsewhere in the tabloids . . .

    'Star'

    "Meghan's Bullying Report Bombshell – '"It's Worse Than Anyone Knows.' "

    But that's only because nobody really know what's inside the report.

    The rag nonetheless claims to have inside info about Meghan's Palace antics: "The shocking truth about tantrums, berating staffers, demanding royal jewels & secret payoffs!"

    But those alkali sound a lot like ancient allegations we've heard before.

    As if that's not enough, "William begs Queen to strip their royal titles." Of course he does.

    'Life & Style'

    Lindsay Lohan is this week's cover girl: "How She Turned Her Life Around."

    The former wild child actress supposedly says: "Drugs and Fame Ruin Everything."

    Newlywed, she's reportedly "Starting over in Dubai," which makes the magazine's later claim seem strange, when it reports that Lohan is making "Her Big Hollywood Comeback!"

    In Dubai?

    'In Touch'

    It's another week of throwing everything into the blender and hoping that it's edible:

    "Celeb Secrets From Vegas!"

    This hodge-dodge includes singer Adele who allegedly "demands $50,000-a-night suite," country music star Keith Urban who is "not allowed to hang with band," Bruno Mars who allegedly "gambles away millions," and Britney Spears who "fired her entire team."

    What happens in Vegas stays in the tabloids, apparently.

    Onwards and downwards . . .

  • Prince Harry rats out his dad, and Mike Pence's revenge, in this week's dubious tabloids

    'National Enquirer'

    Prince Harry is to blame for pretty much everything, even when he's not involved, as far as the tabloids are concerned.

    That's certainly the case with this week's 'Enquirer' cover story: "Prince Charles Bribe Scandal Explodes! New Palace Nightmare. Vengeful Harry squeals."

    Yes, it was allegedly "Charles' vindictive son Harry" who dumped his dad in deep doo-doo by revealing to investigators that Charles was "caught taking suitcase full of cash!" along with paper bags stuffed with unmarked bills from a Qatari sheikh.

    Harry "blew the whistle" on his dad "after his $10 million royal inheritance was ended!" claims the rag.

    Of course, there is zero evidence implicating Harry as the source of the inquiry into Charles' financial improprieties, or even the suggestion that Harry would have been aware of his father's cash transactions. Why would he be?

    Charles insists that the payments from the controversial sheikh, though unusual in their form of dodgy delivery, were all processed legally as donations to his charity, and were absolutely not bribes, though he is admittedly under investigation for a separate instance of alleged influence peddling for cash.

    Next time Prince Charles wants paper bags stuffed with cash delivered to him perhaps he should use Doordash.

    "Epstein Madam's Grim Death Sentence!"

    No, billionaire pedophile Jeffrey Epstein's right-hand woman Ghislaine Maxwell was only sentenced to 20 years behind bars for sex trafficking, not given the death penalty. But since she is 60 years old the 'Enquirer' predicts: "Maxwell will die in jail."

    Declaring that "There's No Hope For Monster Maxwell!" the mag tells readers "either she'll die from disease, by her own hand or be killed!"

    You'd think that would cover all the angles, but it's notable that they omit to mention the very real possibility of alien abduction.

    "Bennifer Gang Ain't One Big Happy Family!"

    Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez are engaged to wed, but their respective teams of nannies and employees "don't get along," claims the rag, taking a break from its coverage of the Ukraine war and North Korea's plans to ignite WWIII for a long-overdue return to serious journalism.

    "Thor Loser Natalie Gets Leg Up On Flabby Arms."

    After repeatedly recycling news stories that can be decades old, the 'Enquirer' brings us news from the future. Actress Natalie Portman evidently bulked up adding serious muscle to star in her new movie 'Thor: Love and Thunder,' so the 'Enquirer' preemptively warns: "as the Oscar winner's biceps shrink, she could be left with saggy bingo wings!"

    Right, because at the age of 41 she's over the hill and she won't be bothered to work out or maintain a healthy diet, and cannot afford to buy expensive firming creams and treatments.

    All credit to the 'Enquirer,' however, for conjuring up the perfect flabby-armed image with the phrase "bingo wings."

    'Globe'

    Turning politics into a soap opera, the 'Globe' reports on "Mike Pence's Brutal Revenge!"

    No, the former Vice President didn't launch a ninja attack on Mar-a-Lago, but now reportedly "trashes Trump for years of humiliation!"

    Pence is allegedly wreaking his vengeance on the man who believes he is still the US President "by kicking old boss right in the teeth."

    That's a metaphor, however, rather than a factual description.

    Pence is allegedly "secretly feeding damning inside information on corruption, money and the Jan. 6 Capitol Hill Coup to criminal investigators to torpedo Trump's planned 2024 presidential run," according to unnamed sources.

    But Pence hasn't testified before the House January 6 committee, and has reportedly decided not to cooperate with the investigation. WIth a view to his own political future and a possible run at the White House, Pence can't afford to be seen taking sides against Trump, and he insists that his hands were tied by the law when he refused Trump's demand to reject the electoral votes on January 6.

    The tabloids long ago turned on Trump, and now it seems they want to turn Mike Pence into a Charles Bronson-style vigilante.

    "Queen Outwits Harry & Meghan!"

    The 'Globe boasts a "no-nonsense opinion page" (as opposed to the rag's nonsense-filled news pages) which this week praises the Queen for having "outfoxed" Harry and Meghan by refusing to allow them to film their encounters with her and other members of the Royal Family during their recent visit to the UK, robbing them of the chance to cash in on their Netflix reality TV series at the Queen's expense.

    "Hollywood is hard on has-beens," states the 'Globe,' "and the pampered prince and his stuck-up wife are gonna learn that lesson sooner rather than later."

    It's uncanny how closely this resembles the New York Times Op-Ed page.

    "The Big Chill! J.Lo & Ben's ex can't get along."

    One minute it's Ben and Jen's staff who can't get along; now it's Ben's future and ex-wife allegedly at each other's throats..

    J.Lo is reportedly "bitchy and disinterested" in dealing with Jennifer Garner. And when Garner drops Ben's kids off at Affleck's new home "J.Lo doesn't even come down to greet her!" according to the magazine.

    Oh, the horror.

    'People'

    This week's edition is so filled with tragic stories it should come with free a box of Kleenex and a Valium for traumatised readers.

    There are duelling cover stories this week, each vying for space on newsstands:

    Vanessa Bennett was only three years old when an intruder killed her parents and left her for dead in 1984, promoting her cover story headline: "True Crime: A Serial Killer Murdered Her Family. 'I Survived a Monster.'"

    Scarred physically and mentally, Vanessa tried to end her life as a teen before being diagnosed with bipolar disorder and suffering PTSD. She was homeless, living beneath a bridge when police tracked her killer through DNA evidence.

    Having now ditched her heroin habit and living in a home with her third husband, Vanessa says: "I am unbreakable. I am a survivor."

    Another survivor is TV's 'Nashville' star Hayden Panetierre, who dominates this week's rival 'People' cover, talking about "her struggle with addiction and an abusive relationship."

    She reportedly battled with opiates and alcohol, prompting Ukrainian boxing champion Wladimir Klitschko, the father of her eight-year-old daughter, to leave her.

    "He didn't want to be around me," she says. "I didn't want to be around me."

    But the stars rarely talk to 'People' mag when they're at rock bottom, so naturally, things are looking up now that she's been to rehab and has won her first Hollywood role in four years in the sixth 'Scream' instalment, saying: "I feel like I have a second chance."

    But the sad news keeps on coming: "You Can't Take My Daughter."

    Sounding like a made-for-TV movie, Analyn Megison tells how "she stopped her alleged rapist from winning custody" of their daughter.

    And then there's America's Got Talent finalist Jackie Evancho revealing her battle with anorexia, and saying: "I'm Sick Of Living Like This."

    It's as if 'People' magazine gathered together all its depressing stories and jammed them into one big issue this week to get them out of the way.

    Elsewhere in the tabloids . . .

    'Us Weekly'

    Missing again from the newsstands, it's unclear whether the rag has quit its print edition to go digital as 'Ok!' Magazine did recently, or whether it will try to publish bi-monthly.

    Its absence leaves anguished readers wondering who wore it best, and hoping against hope that the stars are still really like us, despite their millions and their gated compounds and their entourages and their personal chefs and private trainers.

    'In Touch'

    "Britney & Sam – Divorcing After 39 Days?"

    Another perfect example of Betteridge's law of headlines: If it ends with a question mark the answer is always 'No.'

    The rag claims "He's Too Controlling – Just Like Her Dad" – but Spears and Asghari were together for five years before recently tying the knot, so this can't be a revelation, even if it's true.

    So what are we to make of the photographs of the newlyweds laughing and smiling on their honeymoon, which appeared in other publications this week? It's all a clever cover-up to hide their split, one imagines.

    'Life & Style'

    It's that time of year when there's little in the way of stories and the tabloids look for an excuse to run endless photos of scantily-clad celebrities, which gives us this week's cover story: "Stars' Real Diet Secrets!"

    Jennifer Aniston, Beyoncé and Kim Kardashian – three celebrities who can all afford personal trainers, personal chefs and costly weight-loss regimens. – all share advice on slimming down.

    The chance that any one of them actually spoke to 'Life & Style'? Slim to none.

    Onwards and downwards . . .

  • Bill Clinton searches Area 51 for aliens in this week's dubious tabloids

    'National Enquirer'

    "Murder!" Screams the cover story. "Kidnapping! Fraud! Sex crimes! Domestic abuse!"

    No, it's not another Johnny Depp story.

    It's "Reality TV's 25 Worst Criminals Exposed!"

    But this six-page feature is not exactly exposing anyone. Instead, it is more of a wrap-up of any reality TV star who has had past criminal allegations against them.

    There's Duane 'Dog' Chapman, who was allegedly convicted of murder 46 years ago and spent two years behind bars, even though he played no role in the killing and was simply waiting in a car for a friend who shot a drug dealer.

    And there's TV's first 'Survivor' winner Richard Hatch, who was jailed 22 years ago for failing to report income to the IRS.

    Old, old news dressed up as new. Yet another quality cover story for the 'Enquirer.'

    "Brit & Sam Wedding: Who's Sorry Now?"

    Britney Spears and new husband Sam Asghari supposedly "fear they may have rushed down the aisle" – even though they were together for five years before tying the knot, which hardly seems like acting precipitously.

    There's no evidence to support this claim, only the allegation that Spears has been clashing with her mother and brother, which is also old news.

    "Bitter Amber's Twisted TV Tales!"

    The 'Enquirer' takes Amber Heard's continued claims of physical abuse by her ex-husband Johnny Depp and runs them through a voice stress analyser – modern science at its best – to claim she was "fibbing."

    Right.

    "Obamas Have Leg Up On Harry & Meghan!"

    Barack and Michelle Obama, having ended their Spotify podcast deal, have reportedly signed a lucrative new deal with Amazon's Audible.

    The 'Enquirer' views this as "tweaking the noses" of Prince Harry and Meghan, who have their own podcast deal with Spotify, as if it's a zero-sum game and the Obamas' success can only come at a cost to the Sussexes.

    The rag paints them as rivals, claiming: "this move is a sign Barack wants to show Harry who the REAL first family of America is!"

    Of course that's what the former president wants. He's not trying to create informative, entertaining and educational content; he's trying to show Harry who's No.1.

    "It's No Joker! Fears Phoenix Batman sequel could spark copycat killings."

    Wait, what?!

    The 'Enquirer' notes "an explosion of gun violence across America," as if this is something new, and somehow enlists an alleged mental health expert to warn that Joaquin Phoenix's return as The Joker on screen "could encourage copycats or inspire mass murders!"

    Can't argue with science. Who can forget the wave of violence that swept across America when Phoenix's first outing as The Joker was screened? Oh, that's right – it never happened.

    'Globe'

    Former president Bill Clinton dominates this week's cover, as he allegedly "breaks 30-year silence" to reveal "The Truth About UFOs & Area 51!"

    This word "truth" . . . I do not think it means what the 'Globe' thinks it means.

    Clinton allegedly "ordered White House staff to find captured aliens!" and the "US military used Roswell crash to harvest secret weapons!"

    The former president recently confessed, during an appearance on 'The Late Late Show With James Corden,' that he sent staff to Area 51 "to make sure there were no aliens."

    The 'Globe' admits that inspectors "found no evidence of aliens living – or being stored – at Area 51."

    But of course the rag has spoken to "experts" who claim Clinton "was being coy and less than honest!"

    And Clinton's brain is probably subject to mind control by the aliens at Area 51 anyway.

    "Royals Blackmail Harry & Meghan!"

    No, the Queen hasn't been cutting up magazine headlines and gluing letters into blackmail notes sent anonymously her grandson.

    Rather, Buckingham Palace concluded its investigation into allegations that Duchess Meghan had bullied staff, reducing them to tears and forcing two to quit, but has kept its findings under wraps. This secrecy, claims the 'Globe' is "part of a royal family plot to blackmail [Harry and Meghan] into silence."

    There's no evidence for this, of course, but it's certainly a compelling narrative if you happen to view Britain's Royal Family like a sprawling soap opera, with Harry and Meghan as its current villains du jour.

    Just wait until the Queen dies, and Prince Charles wakes up to find it's all been a dream.

    "Andrew In New Teen Rape Crisis!"

    The bad times keep on rolling for Prince Andrew, who must wish the past few years were all a horrible dream. The prince is reportedly accused by "another Epstein slave!" Lawyers claim they will subpoena Andrew to testify about the latest accusations that he had sex with another of Epstein's innocent young girls.

    Can the demand for a multi-million dollar pay-off be far behind?

    "Maxwell Death Plot Exposed In Court!"

    Writing about Jeffrey Epstein's former girlfriend and sex trafficker Ghislaine Maxwell before she received her 20-year prison sentence, the 'Globe' details court documents claiming a "murder-for-hire" plot to have her killed in prison.

    Of course, the 'Globe' reported on this several weeks ago, but now it's actually in court papers the mag can hardly believe that it got one right, and so repeats the story with glee.

    'People'

    It's a country music-themed cover story this week, with "Miranda Lambert's Wild Ride."

    The singer "shares what she's learned and how love grounded her."

    Apparently Lambert has learned that she has to talk to the press about how she can be her "best self" if she wants them to wax lyrical about her new line of home goods, like the casserole dish "that's going to make a memory sitting on this table." Because memories are made of casserole dishes.

    "Emma Thompson Wants To Talk About (Good) Sex."

    And she does, intelligently and articulately, while promoting her new Hulu movie 'Good Luck To You, Leo Grande.'

    "Britney Spears – New House, New Haircut . . . Newlywed Life."

    Spears and hubby Sam Asghari are "more than ready to settle into newlywed bliss" – a very different tale from that told by the 'Enquirer.'

    'Us Weekly'

    It must be summer, because this week's cover story is: "Diet Tips That Work!"

    Jennifer Aniston is this week's "Summer" cover girl, while Kate Hudson reveals "cheat-day hacks" and Halle Berry discloses: "How to get those abs!"

    Though if any of these stars actually spoke with the magazine to give diet and exercise advice, it would be a minor miracle.

    "Love On The Rocks."

    'Us Weekly' talks a happy romp through Hollywood marriages it claims are "under pressure" and about to crack: Julia Roberts and Danny Moder; Reese Witherspoon and Jim Toth; Sandra Bullock and Bryan Randall. All supported by years of gossip that has consistently proven wrong.

    Thankfully we have the crack investigative squad at 'Us Weekly' to tell us that Jenna Coleman wore it best, that Idina Menzel has "recurring nightmares that I haven't graduated from college and that my teeth are falling out," and that the stars are just like us: they eat ice cream, chat on the phone, and carry their kids. Scintillating, as ever.

    Elsewhere in the tabloids . . .

    'In Touch'

    Prince Harry's marriage is in trouble according to this week's cover story: "Meghan's Cheating Fears!"

    Promising a tale of "Jealousy, Lies & Harry's Wandering Eye!" the rag claims: ""Everyone's Talking About It!"

    Really? Are we?

    Harry and Meghan allegedly had a "massive fight about 'inappropriate texts'" and "She won't let him travel solo!"

    But since Harry and Meghan have a team of 24-7 bodyguards, being solo is out of the question even when they are apart.

    'Life & Style'

    Bradley Cooper is this week's cover boy, and he allegedly "Tells All – Drugs, Fame & Dark Secrets."

    Cooper reportedly admits: "I Was Addicted to Cocaine and So Lost."

    But "Jennifer Garner and Will Arnett saved his life."

    It's all lifted from Cooper talking candidly about his past substance abuse on Amazon Music and Wondery's SmartLess podcast.

    Okay, so it's lifted from another source, but at least it has the benefit of apparently being true.

    Onwards and downwards . . .

  • Royal rampages and facelifts in this week's dubious tabloids

    "National Enquirer'

    It's been more than three weeks since First Lady Jill Biden told Harper's Bazaar magazine that she and President Joe have "occasional" fights via text messaging, playfully calling it "fexting."

    The 'Globe' ran a story on this two weeks ago, and the 'Enquirer' is finally, belatedly picking it up as the cover story in its trademark understated fashion: "Joe & Jill Biden Marriage Crisis! Nasty White House Fights Exposed!"

    The rag claims that the President and First Lady are living "separate lives!" even though they both live in the White House – unlike former occupants Donald and Melania Trump, who actually did live apart for five months before Melania left New York to join the president in Washington, D.C.

    An unnamed "mole" claims, none too authoritatively: "Word is, they don't ever share the same bedroom."

    Word is. That certainly sounds like a detail that's been fact-checked with at least three sources.

    "Charles & Camilla Save Face WIth Royal Touch-Up!"

    The heir to the British throne and his future Queen Consort have allegedly "paid a king's ransom to spruce up their sagging mugs" with cosmetic surgery and procedures.

    They have also supposedly "been making efforts to ease up on the booze" so that they look younger. With Charles aged 73 and 74-year-old Camilla – a self-proclaimed "old bat" as she described herself to 'Vogue' magazine recently – isn't it a bit late for that?

    Camilla may have had a facelift, work done on her lips and eyes, and laser treatments for her skin, says a plastic surgeon who has never treated her. Because he'd know.

    "Ozzy Beats the Odds!"

    Rocker Ozzy Osbourne was "miraculously saved from life in a wheelchair by risky spinal surgery," and is "on the road to recovery," claims the rag. One imagines that a neurosurgeon who has never treated Ozzy is their irrefutable source.

    "Gay Spin-Off For Downton Abbey?"

    Yet another unnamed source claims that a show starring Downton's Dominic West and Rob James-Collier about two homosexuals in 1920s Hollywood "would make an amazing new show. It practically writes itself!" Which should save a fortune in hiring writers.

    Technology is alive, and it's coming for us, the 'Enquirer' believes, with the headline: "Rise of the Machines!"

    An ousted Google engineer reportedly claims that the company's "main computer is self-aware just like killers in sci-fi thrillers."

    Well, not quite. Computer engineer Blake Lemoine believes that Google's AI is sentient, but hasn't suggested that it's turned into SkyNet and is out to destroy humanity – at least, not yet. Hold off on sending the Terminator back from the future.

    Meanwhile, Chinese-made coffee machines are spying on Americans, according to former Peking University professor Christopher Balding, who reportedly claims the Chinese beverage brewers are harvesting users' names, locations and usage times. How does that help China exactly? Might they be planning a nuclear strike just when most Americans are sitting down for coffee?

    Should DARPA start secretly tracking when the Chinese routinely pause en masse for jasmine tea?

    'Globe'

    A royal renegade runs riot in this week's rag, under the cover story headline: "Toxic Harry's Royal Rampage!"

    But no, Prince Harry didn't take a machine-gun and shoot up the exorbitantly overpriced produce aisle of a Whole Foods near his home in Montecito, California.

    In fact, the story makes no claims of any rampage by Prince Harry whatsoever, not even a verbal rampage.

    After being marginalised while visiting England earlier this month for the Queen's Jubilee, the 'Globe' implausibly claims that "humiliated Prince Harry is demanding an official apology – from Queen Elizabeth herself."

    Right. Like that will happen.

    It's hard to imagine what the Queen is supposed to apologize for, since the Jubilee was clearly centered on her, and Harry and Meghan were invited on the understanding that they would not detract attention from the Queen.

    The 'Globe' quotes an unnamed "insider" saying: "They were cast aside, sidelined and relegated to second-fiddle status," and their "fairy dust is fading," hurting their chances of Hollywood success.

    Isn't that always the trouble with fairy dust?

    Preposterously, the magazine suggests: "an apology from the queen would defuse the situation" and somehow revive their royal status in Hollywood.

    Sure, because Hollywood hangs on every word uttered by the Queen, who is known to green-light tentpole movies and can make or break acting careers with a mere wave of her regal hand.

    "Liz Cheney's Explosive Secret Life!"

    The "anti-Trump crusader is a soccer mum who believes America can torture enemies" claims the rag.

    But that's not exactly evidence of an explosive private life, is it?

    The 'Globe' claims that Liz Cheney once wrecked her father's sports car, and "pushed back against gay marriage" – a stance she has since publicly repudiated.

    Not so much of an explosive bang as a soft and gentle whimper.

    Cheney has clearly put herself in the cross-hairs as a member of the House committee investigating the events of January 6, 2021, and she allegedly has previously defended the use of waterboarding, endorsed by her father, former Vice President Dick Cheney – hence the accusation that she supports torture.

    But unless she waterboards people for fun in the privacy of her own home, it's hard to know how that is explosive.

    "Sex Creep Andrew Twisting in Wind!"

    Beleaguered Prince Andrew is "branded a $2 million deadbeat" with that sum allegedly owed to a couple who have gone to court to freeze the sale of his Swiss chalet.

    Andrew supposedly wants to use the proceeds to repay Prince Charles, who the rag claims loaned him the cash to pay off his child sex abuse accuser Virginia Giuffre. At least it was for a good cause.

    "Jaunty Johnny's Sweet Revenge!"

    Johnny Depp, fresh from his courtroom defamation victory over ex-wife Amber Heard, is allegedly penning a "tell-all book" that will "settle scores with phonies who abandoned him," the 'Globe' proclaims.

    Does Depp really have anything left to tell after spilling his guts in court about his drug and booze abuses? And why would he want to bad-mouth Hollywood "phonies,"unless he's looking forward to being dragged into another defamation trial?

    "Ozzy Osbourne Devastated By Back Operation."

    Just when the 'Enquirer' is reporting that he's making a miraculous recovery, the 'Globe' claims the veteran rocker is "writhing in pain" and faces a "lengthy period of convalescence."

    You pays your money, you takes your choice.

    'People'

    "Justin Bieber's Face Paralysis Ordeal" dominates this week's cover.

    The Biebs believes: "I'm Gonna Get Better." He's apparently coping by "finding strength through faith and his wife, Hailey."

    Because prayer and a strong marriage will always heal a clinically frozen face: that's a medically proven fact.

    "Happy 40th, Prince William!"

    After four decades of appearances in 'People' magazine you'd think the least they could do was give him the cover. But no. William merits two anodyne paragraphs along with 40 photos of him through the years, looking, as the mag might say, great at any age.

    "Kim Kardashian – I'm So Much Happier In My Skin Now."

    Especially now that she's promoting her new skin-care line.

    'Us Weekly'

    "William Cuts Off Harry," screams the cover. "No Way Back."

    Well, there's always a way back. But the rag claims that Prince William is "grieving" over the "total collapse of their relationship," while "Harry crossed the line – and he won't apologize."

    He's probably waiting for the Queen to apologise first.

    Tom Hanks was caught on video with his hand shaking uncontrollably, prompting 'Us Weekly' to ask: "What's Wrong With Tom?"

    Because of course the mag has no idea.

    Thankfully we have the crack investigative team at 'Us Weekly' to tell us that Uzo Aduba wore it best (orange may be the new black, but she's clad entirely in emerald green), that TV personality and 'Real Housewives of Beverly Hills' star Erika Jayne's favorite item in her wardrobe "is my emotional support sweatpants," and that the stars are just like us: they carry a girlfriend's bags, dine in new restaurants, and soak in a bubble bath while chatting on the phone – though who sneaked into Jennifer Lopez's bathroom to snatch a picture of her up to her shoulders in soap bubbles remains open to question. Or does that happen to everyone, with paparazzi sneaking into their bathrooms, just like us?

    Elsewhere in the tabloids . . .

    'Life & Style'

    Is Taylor Swift's romance with Joe Alwyn at an end?

    "Heartbroken Taylor Dumped After Six Years!" claims the cover story, alleging "Fights, Threats & Too Much Drinking!"

    It's a Hollywood tragedy, claims the rag: "She thought he was about to propose."

    Could it be true? Break-up rumours ran rampant in 2021, yet the duo remained together. They just like to keep it on the down-low.

    Cynics might argue that the mag's front page exclusive looks a little shaky considering that it hit newsstands on the same day that paparazzi captured Swift and Alwyn on vacation together in the Bahamas, swimming and indulging in copious quantities of PDA.

    'In Touch'

    Prince William at 40 is this week's cover boy, with the headline: "Lessons I've Learned."

    One of those lessons is undoubtedly not to talk to 'In Touch' magazine, which compiled its story without the assistance of the heir to the heir to the throne.

    Onwards and downwards . . .

  • 100 reasons to love America (and several reasons to hate it) in this week's dubious tabloids

    'National Enquirer'

    When senior members of Britain's Royal Family talk, they talk to the 'National Enquirer.'

    At least, you'd be forgiven for thinking so after reading this week's cover story: "Kate Finally Tells All!"

    The Duchess of Cambridge is planning to dish the royal dirt in "a blockbuster TV interview" which will take readers inside Kate's "nasty war with mean Meghan!" It will also detail "her secret battle with crippling anxiety!" and allegedly reveal "why William will never forgive Harry!"

    As if.

    Even if Kate agreed to sit down for a TV interview, as the future Queen of England she is far too diplomatic, restrained and self-controlled to say anything that would rock the royal boat.

    The 'Enquirer' claims Kate will "finally respond to Meghan and her hubby Prince Harry's explosive American sit-down last year."

    Like hell she will.

    "Tom Cruise & Brad Pitt Blood Feud Explodes."

    No it doesn't.

    Cruise's action blockbuster 'Top Gun: Maverick' is atop the global box office, but Pitt doesn't even have a film out in cinemas, so it's not as if they're in head-to-head competition. There's no suggestion in the story that either actor has said a word against the other's latest successes. It's just wishful thinking.

    "Royal Renegades Run For The Hills!"

    Well, maybe they didn't run for the hills, but Harry and Meghan did prematurely depart the UK before the Queen's Jubilee celebrations had concluded, raising eyebrows. Or as the 'Enquirer' delicately puts it: "fame-hungry Prince Harry" and Meghan "fled . . . with their tails between their legs".

    Which is actually an improvement for Meghan, whose name is often accompanied in the tabloids by such descriptive terms as "evil" and "diva".

    The tabloid's ever-vigilant weight police have been out in force again, and this time caught Fox News host Tucker Carlson allegedly putting on the pounds.

    "Terrified Tucker Smashes The Scales!" Screams the headline above a story branding the conservative firebrand "Tubby Tucker" and claiming that the "pudgy and doughy" talk show tyrant weighs over 200 pounds and "looks awful".

    That sounds like an expression of those First Amendment rights that Carlson is so keen to protect.

    'Globe'

    How the worm has turned. The rag that once slavishly kissed Donald Trump's presidential posterior now rants as "explosive TV hearings expose betrayal, lies & treachery!" with the cover story headline "Trump's Insane Capitol Hill Coup!"

    But despite the sensational headlines, the 'Globe' can't help feeling that Trump was embroiled in a riot not of his own making.

    Trump is allegedly "outraged over being linked" to the January 6 insurrection, and the House Select Committee supposedly "plopped him into the center of a coup attempt" rather than Trump placing himself there by his own actions.

    Then the 'Globe' returns to programming as usual, getting a Baltimore psychiatrist who has never met with or treated Trump to declare that the president was already "clearly delusional" in the weeks after losing the 2020 election. And, he might as well have added, for the four years preceding the election.

    "Queen Refuses To Step Aside For Charles!"

    That's hardly surprising, after the Royal Family was still hasn't recovered from the horror of the 1936 abdication of Edward VIII. Relinquishing the throne is unthinkable to Queen Elizabeth, raised think of an abdication of responsibility as anathema.

    The 'Globe' claims that the Queen has been "told to call it quits" supposedly "amid fears" she is "suffering from the early stages of dementia."

    Does appearing in a video opposite a fictional bear count as one of the first signs of dementia? Or is talking with a CGI Paddington Bear, as Her Majesty did during her recent Jubilee celebrations, considered normal behavior?

    "Second Fiddles Harry & Meghan Frozen Out!"

    They're more like third violins, but that seems like a minor quibble over the 'Globe' report on the royal renegades' shabby treatment from senior Royals during their Jubilee visit to the UK.

    "If they were lepers, they couldn't have been shunned more," says an alleged "royal inside" who clearly hasn't visited a leper colony lately.

    "Space Aliens Will Pulverise Putin Nukes!"

    Of course they will. What sane person doesn't believe that extra-terrestrials will "stop Putin from pressing the button" if he tries to launch any nuclear missiles.

    These are the alleged thoughts of veteran psychic Uri Geller, who clearly knows a thing or two about alien thought processes.

    And who wouldn't take military defense advice from a man who can bend spoons with his mind?

    'People'

    Readers get a trio of skinny young men with questionable looks sharing this week's cover: "Jonas Brothers – Burnin' Up the Summer!"

    What does that even mean? Are they tag-teaming arsonists?

    The three bros talk about fame, family and career, as poster boys for 'People' magazine's special issue: "100 Reasons to Love America," presumably because July 4th is just arounds the corner.

    If the Jonas Brothers are #1 among 100 reasons to love America, you might want to seriously think about emigrating.

    Among the Top 100 are such natural wonders as the Grand Canyon and Niagara Falls, Callifornia's Monarch Sanctuary and Florida's Everglades.

    And then there are the wonders you'd naturally expect: "McDonald's Secret Menu," "Rosie, the uplifting penguin," White House tabby cat Willow, roller-skating at the Rockefeller Center, the centenary of Wright Brand bacon, and "the thrill of ghost-hunting."

    Can't argue with such patriotic choices.

    Newlyweds "Britney Spears & Sam Asghari" get ample coverage, but surprisingly don't merit the cover story – surely a sign of shifting readership demographics.

    No, they're not one of the 100 reasons to love America (though the populist revival of Britney, Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan does make the list!) but 'People' mag takes readers inside "Their Fairy-Tale I Do's!"

    Britney arrived for the wedding at her Los Angeles-area home in a "Cinderella-esque horse-drawn carriage" but forgot to wear glass slippers. She wore a custom Versace gown with a train longer than a freight locomotive, and killed several orchards of rose bushes to cover her home and garden in blooms.

    'People'mags #96 in the list of 100 reasons we love America is "celebrity wedding crashers," such as actors Tom Hanks and Simon Rex who have unexpectedly turned up at strangers' nuptials. For some reason the magazine doesn't mention Britney Spears' first husband Jason Alexander, who was arrested trying to crash her latest wedding, earning him a restraining order in the process. Is that the sort of behaviour that makes us love the US of A?

    'Us Weekly'

    The magazine that routinely gives us 100 reasons to hate America, or at least what passes for its fourth estate, this week devotes its cover to a question on the minds of absolutely no-one: "Is Britney Living A Lie?"

    Perhaps a better question might be: Is Britney Spears living her own truth? Or is that too zen?

    Apparently miffed at losing out on Spears' wedding photos to 'People' mag, 'Us Weekly' quotes an unnamed "insider" claiming that despite Brit-Brit's seemingly happy outward appearance, "some of her loved ones are worried she's living a lie."

    Those "loved ones" are actually Spears' unloved ones: her estranged parents and her sister Jamie Lynn, all of whom have been cut from the singer's life, naturally making them completely impartial and fair-minded judges of Spears' honesty and integrity.

    Thankfully we have the crack investigative squad at 'Us Weekly' to tell us that Lily James wore it best, that interior designer Jeff Lewis (who says they're running out of celebrities to interview?) believes "I'm going through menopause," and that the stars are just like us: they shop for food, pick out paint swatches, check in at airports, read in bed, and – if you're James Van Der Beek – get manicures from their four-year-old daughter. Just like us: I have Van Der Beek's daughter do my nails every two weeks.

    Onwards and downwards . . .

  • Bidens fexting (not sexting) in this week's dubious tabloids

    National Enquirer

    A week late and several dollars shot, the 'Enquirer' front page declares: "Johnny Beats Lying Amber!"

    It's a crude double entendre, subliminally suggesting that Depp "beats" his ex-wife Heard, as well as emerging victorious in his defamation suit.

    The subtlety continues with the inside spread headline: "Whatta Slap In The Face!" And it goes on with another two-page spread of photos of the duo displaying their various bruises, under the headline: "Johnny & Amber's Greatest Hits."

    Journalism at its best.

    The 'Enquirer' promises readers the "Untold story behind Depp's $10.3M revenge!"

    The rag fails to deliver, however, except to offer the anodyne observation: "The untold story of the trial is how Johnny's legal eagles outmanoeuvred Amber's team . . . Johnny's charisma and acting talents also likely helped his case."

    Well that certainly merits the front page.

    "Texas Schoolkids Didn't Have To Die!"

    Pulling no punches, the rag blames "coward cops" who "saved [their] own hides" and hid behind "evil lies".

    Why won't the 'Enquirer' tell us what it really thinks of the police action in Uvalde. Texas?

    "Travolta Trying To Cure Willis!"

    Sure, that will work.

    'Saturday Night Fever' star John Travolta allegedly "Believes Scientology superpowers can zap pal's brain disorder." Bruce Willis has aphasia, losing his cognitive abilities and struggling with speech, but that doesn't mean he's lost his mind and will let his 'Look Who's Talking' and 'Pulp Fiction' co-star mess with his head.

    "Partying Meghan Snubs Ailing Dad!"

    For once it's hard to argue with the 'Enquirer' when it notes that Duchess Meghan, AKA "Prince Harry's coldhearted wife," flew to England to celebrate the Queen's Jubilee, rather than visit the hospital bedside of her 77-year-old father Thomas Markle, who had just suffered a stroke.

    Let's hope she at least mailed him a "Get Well" card.

    "An astonishingly lifelike tribute to Britain's beloved queen."

    No, that's not the 'Enquirer' description of the Queen's Jubilee celebrations.

    It's the promise in a slightly unnerving full-page ad for a "Queen Elizabeth II 95th Birthday Commemorative Doll," which makes Her Majesty look somewhat like Donald Trump in drag – but certainly life-like.

    "Jada Breaks The Bank!"

    Will Smith reportedly "can't stop wife from spending like there's no tomorrow."

    That's what happens when you let paparazzi snap you shopping in Beverly Hills. Jada Pinkett-Smith allegedly "spends a fortune" on beauty products, masseurs, trainers and fine dining.

    Her husband reportedly complains about this, despite his penchant for his Rolls Royce Ghost, Bentley Azure, and Mercedes-Maybach, the 'Enquirer' notes.

    "What Killed Ray Liotta?"

    The 'Enquirer' has no idea, which naturally leads them to declare an "autopsy cover-up!" How long before they declare that Liotta was murdered, and didn't have to die?

    'Globe'

    The Obamas are this week's cover couple: "Barack & Michelle's Marriage Explodes! Jealousy, accusations and screaming rages!"

    This from the rag that told readers the Obamas were divorcing in 2009, and through the years has repeatedly claimed they were divorcing. In September 2019 the couple reportedly faced a "$150 million divorce showdown," and in 2020 the 'Globe' claimed that the duo had already exchanged divorce papers.

    Yet they're still married, and the best that the rag can come up with now is that they're having arguments? Whatever happened to those divorce papers?

    Evidently their latest rows are because Michelle Obama plans to have cosmetic surgery "to turn back time" so that she can pursue younger lovers. Right.

    "Battling Bidens' Secret Text Wars!"

    President Joe Biden and First Lady Jill Biden reportedly "hide their fights from bodyguards" by texting one another. They allegedly call their fight-texts "fexting," and even though such an on-trend neologism seems beyond the septuagenarians' likely capabilities, the story emanated from a good source: Jill Biden herself.

    Of course, the First Lady didn't tell that to the 'Globe,' but rather to Harper's Bazaar, whose story has been dutifully copied by the tabloid.

    "Meghan Mimics Kim Kardashian!"

    While it's true that the Duchess of Sussex and husband Prince Harry are filming a reality series about their lives, which has superficial similarities to the manufactured reality TV series Keeping Up With The Kardashians, it seems a stretch to suggest that Meghan is mimicking Kim because she recently wore an all-white ensemble (like Kim), appeared on Ellen DeGeneres's' chat show (like Kim) and has sat on a beach (like Kim and 700 million other people.) If the fact that they're both friends with Serena Williams doesn't convince you that Meghan is copying Kim, then this will: they both live in mansions!

    You can't argue with imperial evidence like that.

    "Epstein Madam Cheats Death!"

    Billionaire pedophile Jeffrey Epstein's convicted enabler and friend Ghislaine Maxwell was allegedly attacked in her cell by two inmates with a shiv in a "vicious attempt to kill her."

    Maxwell, awaiting sentencing for child sex trafficking, was reportedly "stabbed at her side with a shank knife," and has been "targeted for death in prison."

    But Maxwell reportedly fought back, and was treated for only "superficial wounds," which makes it sound like someone doesn't know how to use a shiv properly.

    This is according to a "jailhouse snitch," an unnamed source behind bars, whose veracity and accuracy are doubtless unimpeachable.

    'People'

    Robin Roberts is this week's cover girl, telling of "Love, Faith & Breaking Barriers."

    It's 'People' mag's gay pride issue, so the 'Good Morning America' anchor talks about coming out, surviving cancer, and caring for her partner as she fights the same disease.

    "All The Jubilee Tea!"

    Dishing the dirt on the Royal Jubilee celebrations, 'People' mag discloses that "Prince Louis went off script, Meghan and Harry made a rare royal appearance, and the woman of the hour, Queen Elizabeth, felt the love". Yawn.

    "Johnny Depp & Amber Heard – Facing Their Futures."

    But not together.

    An unnamed Hollywood agent says: "Years of building up reputations have been torn down on both sides in a couple of weeks Nobody truly won."

    Except maybe Court TV. And both actors' teams of attorneys. And all the media outlets reporting on the trial.

    'Us Weekly'

    It's yet another royal cover story: "Kate & Meghan – What Really Happened."

    The world's press was locked out of Buckingham Palace, reduced to peeking through windows, but 'Us Weekly' reveals what happened with the "ticking time bomb waiting to explode" when the Duchess of Cambridge went up against the Duchess of Sussex, and the "frail queen . . . begged them to keep the peace".

    Calling it the "Point of No Return," 'Us Weekly' claims that relations between the sisters-in-law "remain frosty after a tense showdown."

    But what showdown? Kate and Meghan were never seen meeting face-to-face during Jubilee celebrations last week, and were some considerable distance apart at events they both attended. They were only seen in the same room together during a service at St Paul's Cathedral, when Meghan may (or may not) have turned her head away when Kate entered.

    "Putting On An Act."

    Kim Kardashian and Pete Davidson's eight-month romance may seem to be going strong, but the rag claims that "behind the scenes things are cooling off."

    Never saw that coming.

    Thankfully we have the crack investigative squad at 'Us Weekly' to tell us that Olivia Culpo wore it best (let's face it, she would still look great in a black plastic trash bag), that actor Cheyenne Jackson cooks "a killer waffle," and that the stars are just like us: they attend ice hockey games, pick up packages, and drink healthy smoothies.

    Enlightening, as ever.

    Elsewhere in this week's tabloids:

    'OK!'

    The long dark nightmare of our souls continues as 'OK!' mag is absent from newsstands for yet another week.

    'Life & Style'

    "Summer Brides! Shedding for the Wedding!" Alleged bridal dieters include Kate Hudson, Katy Perry, and Jennifer Lopez.

    'In Touch'

    The Royal Family supposedly got together for a bite to ea while the 95-year-old monarch is on her last legst, experiencing "Joy, Drama, & Naming The Next King!"

    Spoiler alert: It will be Charles.

    Onwards and downwards . . .

  • Monkeypox is a Chinese bioweapon in this week's dubious tabloids

    'National Enquirer'

    "Hollywood's Fakest Boobs & Bottoms Exposed!" screams this week's cover story, with the promise of "Implants! Lifts! Nip/tucks!"

    Doing what it does best – ogling vast expanses of female cleavage and protuberant posteriors, while pouring scorn on their owners – the 'Enquirer' has a team of six cosmetic surgeons review photos of celebrities and declare, without a physical examination, whether they are real or fake.

    Among those with body parts deemed fraudulent: Kim Kardashian, Kylie Jenner, Nicki Minaj, Iggy Azalea, Madonna, Cardi B, Salma Hayek, Megan Fox and Amber Rose. Some might argue with their inclusion on this list, while others have freely admitted to getting assistance: Dolly Parton, of course, and former 'Teen Mom' Farrah Abraham, who posted photos of her receiving "butt-boosting injections" on Instagram.

    Those who the 'Enquirer' deems are the "real deal"? It's a very short list: Jennifer Lopez and Halle Berry.

    "Cruise's Mission: Hayley! Pressure on Tom to try again after Gaga flameout."

    Ignoring for a moment the fact that Tom Cruise and Lady Gaga were never, ever going to be a couple, the 'Enquirer' claims that the 'Top Gun: Maverick' star is being "urged by friends" to rekindle his romance with his 'Mission: Impossible' co-star Hayley Atwell. As if any "friend" of Cruise would ever dare tell him what to do.

    "Cash-strapped royal renegades" Prince Harry and Duchess Meghan hope to "turn themselves into the next Kardashians" with a reality TV series, claims the 'Enquirer.'

    The couple have announced a Netflix docuseries being filmed by cameras following them around, But don't expect to see Kanye West, Travis Barker or Pete Davidson adding to the Sussexes' celebrity quotient. The 'Enquirer' envisions it as "Keeping Up With The Sussexes," with Meghan waking to Tibetan wind chimes, enjoying sunrise primal scream therapy, and breakfasting on tofu and "whole-wheat, organic, locally sourced, sustainable rice crackers."

    Someone should politely tell the 'Enquirer' that rice is unlikely to be whole wheat, or indeed to contain any wheat at all.

    "China unleashes New Bioweapon – Deadly Monkeypox!"

    China naturally gets the blame for a virus first identified in monkeys – where else? – in 1953, and first found in humans in the Congo in 1970. The latest outbreak originated in a British traveller newly returned from Nigeria, which no doubt shows how cunning are the Chinese military, with their ability to plant the disease in West Africa to divert attention away from Chinese biolabs as the source. Thank goodness that the 'Enquirer' team of crack investigators wasn't fooled by that elaborate cover-up.

    Monkeypox was conveniently weaponised at the same Wuhan laboratory where Covid-19 allegedly escaped, according to 'Enquirer' source Dr Jim Garrow, who the rag explains "has business interests in China," which sounds like the perfect qualification for obtaining inside information on what happens behind the closed doors of a secret bioweapons lab.

    Interestingly, Garrow is credited as the founder of English-immersion schools in China: he has a teaching degree, but admits his doctorate is honorary. In the past the 'Enquirer' has variously called Garrow an "Asia expert," "an expert on Chinese spy and terror tactics," an "international terror expert," and "international affairs expert," all of which are debatable for what appears to be a rent-a-quote.

    This is the same Dr Garrow who in 2016 alleged that Barack Obama was an Indonesian citizen educated in a school for Imams, and put in place by the Saudis to bring down America. You can't argue with that level of international affairs expertise.

    'Globe'

    "Clinton Moneyman Murdered In Epstein Cover-Up!" declares the cover story.

    Mark Middleton, formerly President Bill Clinton's special advisor and campaign finance director, who was also linked to billionaire pedophile Jeffrey Epstein – because what campaign fund-raiser wouldn't want to know deep-pocketed Epstein? – was found dead last month, an apparent suicide.

    Middleton ran a heating and air conditioning company in Little Rock, AK, and was found hanging from a tree in the woods, having apparently put a noose around his neck and then shot himself with a shotgun, the rag reports.

    But the 'Globe' suspects it's murder and "yet another staged suicide" to cover up Epstein's links with the rich and powerful.

    It's been almost two years since Jeffrey Epstein was found hanging in his New York jail cell. So who does the 'Globe' think is killing people in this cover-up? They're not saying.

    "Putin's Secret Cancer Surgery."

    It's so secret that only the 'Globe' knows about it. Are they going to have enough shelf space for all the Pulitzer Prizes they'll be hauling in?

    "Meghan's Minions Abandoning Ship!"

    The Duchess of Sussex is yet again accused of being "an abusive bully" as she sees the resignation of her 12th senior employee in the past four years: PR director Toya Holness. Well, maybe you should expect bad publicity when you fire your PR director.

    "Queen Elizabeth's Bizarre Secret Life."

    Russian cosmonaut Yuri Gagarin allegedly stroked the Queen's thigh, and the Duke of Rutland Charles Manners "made a bold pass" at her, according to royal biographer Andrew Morton. Both events took place more than 50 years ago, which counts as breaking news in the 'Globe.'

    "TV Chef Gordon In Arthritis Hell!"

    Gordon Ramsay is suffering "crippling arthritis" which inexplicably has those closest to him terrified, as "friends fear he's headed for an explosive crash!"

    No, not a car crash or plane crash. He works 12 hours a day and then exercises for another two hours (the way that people do when "crippled" by arthritis) and friends are allegedly concerned that "he's taking on so much." Right.

    "Hunchback Ozzy's Crazy Back Train! Stooped rocker, 73, facing wheelchair if he doesn't slow down."

    Osbourne has been walking with the aid of a cane for years, and despite what the 'Globe' thinks, staying active is probably keeping him out of a wheelchair, not putting him into one. As a doctor who hasn't treated Osbourne tells the rag: "Inactivity will exacerbate his health problems". Of course it would. Do the 'Globe' reporters even read their own stories?

    'People'

    "21 Lives" dominates this week's cover. "Stories of Love & Anguish From Uvalde, Texas."

    It's a special report on the horrific school shooting that stunned a nation and that 'People' magazine hopes will sell more copies than putting 'Star Wars' alums Ewan McGregor and Hayden Christensen on the cover. Instead the duo are feeling "the force" on the inside pages, discussing their new 'Obi Wan Kenobi' series.

    "Elle Fanning Knows Exactly What She's Doing."

    If that's true, she's the only one in Hollywood who does.

    "Hunter Biden's Ex Tells Her Story."

    Kathleen Buhle has been through the wringer: "Her husband's addiction shredded her sanity; his affair with his brother's widow shattered her family." Five years later she has found forgiveness, and is marketing it in her new memoir, 'If We Break.' But what more is there to tell when Hunter has already done such a good job of self-evisceration?

    'Us Weekly'

    There are duelling covers of the mag on the newsstands this week:

    In one, Prince Harry is branded "A Prince Under Pressure," as the rag explores the "mystery behind missing $20M memoir."

    Well, Harry's memoir isn't so much missing, as it is delayed, now expected to be published in 2023 instead of later this year. The rag assumes it's because he hasn't dished enough dirt on the Royal Family, and is being asked to come back from the Queen's Jubilee celebrations in England this month with a new chapter or two of family conflict and angst.

    In the rival cover story, Heidi Montag is "Pregnant & In Love AGAIN!" In one of rare occasions when the celebrity subject actually appears to have spoken to the magazine. What a concept.

    "Why Brad Vanished. – 4 Months in Hiding."

    Did anyone even notice that Brad Pitt had disappeared off the face of the Earth? Have they searched the International Space Station for him?

    But no, Pitt hasn't "vanished." He's still enjoying life in the privacy of his own homes, and happily hanging out at his art studio. But because he hasn't been seen by the paparazzi for four months, 'Us Weekly' concludes that he "is becoming increasingly reclusive" and living in a "lonely world." Right.

    Meanwhile his ex-wife Angelina Jolie is "out & about" at red carpet events, engaging in charitable endeavours, running errands, and posting on social media. So she must be winning!.

    Elsewhere in the tabloids:

    'Star'

    Married celebrity couple Gwen Stefani and Blake Shelton may be surprised at this week's cover headline: "Gwen & Blake – Shock Split!"

    Stefani and Shelton were allegedly seen arguing in Los Angeles, and as anyone knows that means the marriage is over. Call the divorce lawyers!

    Or, as 'Star' magazine phrases it: "Is one of them cheating with a hot co-worker?"

    What other possible reason could there be for a couple of argue?

    'Life & Style'

    When absolutely nothing scandalous is happening in Hollywood, the rag dives into photos of the homes of stars to bring us: "25 Most Expensive e Celeb Homes!" The catalogue of old at-home photoshoots includes Adele, Adam Levine, Mark Wahlberg and ("celebrity"?) Ivanka Trump.

    'In Touch'

    Harry Styles, ahed 28, and his 38-year-old girlfriend Olivia Wilde, are having a "Wedding & A Baby!" the rag claims.

    Styles and Wilde may be the last to know.

    The couple allegedly say: "We'd love to have a girl" and are planning a "$2 million Italian ceremony."

    I'll believe it when I see it.

    Onwards and downwards . . .

  • Hollywood's "most hated woman" in this week's dubious tabloids

    'National Enquirer'

    Johnny Depp's libel suit against his ex-wife continues to dominate Enquiring minds, giving us this week's cover story: "Amber Heard: Most Hated Woman In Hollywood!"

    So much for lending a sympathetic ear to every woman accusing a man of abuse.

    The rag claims that Heard is "Shunned by A-listers! . . . Trashed as toxic liar! . . . Cut from film projects."

    Showing their usual flair for fair and balanced reporting, the 'Enquirer' calls her "haughty," a "bitchy blonde," "greedy gold-digger," and "huffy hottie."

    "Zombie Pete Obeys Kim's Commands!"

    The magazine routinely calls Prince Harry "henpecked," but Pete Davidson is allegedly the helpless voodoo slave of girlfriend Kim Kardashian, who has "truly got her claws into him now and is totally running his life," according to an unnamed insider.

    Sources say "pals worry the funnyman may even give up his lucrative 'SNL' gig, which would put him fully under the sway of Kim and her controlling clan!"

    As if that could ever happen. Oh, wait . . . Davidson quit SNL on the day the 'Enquirer' went to press.

    The tabloid has Haitian spiritual magic on its mind, claiming that Kim's sister Kourtney Kardashian and her Blink-182 rocker husband Travis Barker – kindly described by the rag as a "tattooed scarecrow" – want a "voodoo wedding redo!"

    WIth little in the way of corroborating evidence, the story claims the couple want a "voodoo-style marriage blessing". Perhaps it's not so far-fetched for the couple who reportedly sealed their engagement in January by drinking one another's blood.

    "Meghan's Desperate Makeover!"

    The Duchess of Sussex allegedly "primps, preens and slims down to impress royals," but sadly they only "look away."

    "Manipulative Meghan is pulling out all the stops to make a glam impression while she's in the UK," reports the 'Enquirer,' even though she hasn't even embarked on the trip to Britain yet. What do they expect her to wear: Dollar Store discount bin rejects and off-the-rack fashions from Ross ("Dress for Less!)?

    Will Smith admitted in his 2021 memoir that as a 20-year-old Philadelphia rapper worth $1 million "the only people who can afford to hang with you are other rappers, professional athletes, or drug dealers. I picked drug dealers."

    That leads to this week's "Enquirer Special Investigation," which claims: "Will Smith's Ugly Gang Ties Exposed!"

    But there's no suggestion that slap-happy Smith was part of any criminal street gang, let alone an "affiliate" as the 'Enquirer' claims. The rag reports that charges against Smith for an alleged 1989 assault were dropped after gang members kidnapped his victim's 13-year-old son.

    The 'Enquirer' adds that "there is no suggestion that Will personally knew" about the kidnapping. Why would he?

    'Globe'

    This week's cover is dedicated to a country music legend's sad demise: "Naomi Judd – Autopsy Secrets!"

    Credit where it's due: The 'Globe' did break the story that Judd had taken her own life with a gun. But the fact that Tennessee's Williamson County Sheriff's department has chosen not to release 911 tapes, police reports or witness statements does not necessarily mean that there's a "cover-up" as the 'Globe' claims, but could mean they are simply respecting the family's privacy.

    The 'Globe' further moans that "the family is keeping the location of Naomi's grave . . . under wraps," which is perhaps understandable since the rag's reporters would be trampling all over her final resting place if they could find it.

    "Trump's Hairdo Secret Revealed!"

    It's been revealed before, but the 'Globe' is happy to repeat it years later, claiming that the former president's coif is a combination of "scalp reduction surgery, plenty of hairspray & Just for Men color."

    "Britney Meltdown After Losing Baby."

    What? They expect Britney Spears to be out partying every night after suffering a miscarriage?

    "Harry & Meghan's Silly Sour Grapes"

    Not invited to join the rest of the royal family on the Buckingham Palace balcony while celebrating the Queen's Jubilee next month, Harry and Meghan reportedly insist that their "humiliating absence" from the famed balcony "was their idea."

    Says an unnamed royal insider: "This is sheer nonsense – a laughable attempt to save face." They may have a point.

    The 'Globe' has a regular editorial opinion page, which actually amounts to a weekly spot for celebrity character assassination. This week's target is "Pompous Prince Harry" under the headline: "Whatta joke! No Sweat Harry Fears Burnout!"

    The prince recently expressed his concern that he might "burn out" while fighting to improve the world – he actively campaigns for environmental and mental health issues – but the 'Globe' hits out: "You have to work hard to burn out – and have an actual job instead of playing polo!"

    Oh, those wags.

    'People'

    Hollywood veteran Jeff Bridges is this week's cover story, telling of his health crisis: "Covid During Chemo . . . I Was Close to Dying."

    Diagnosed with cancer and weakened by chemotherapy, the actor nearly died of coronavirus before pulling through, embracing life, and saying: "Love is the deal."

    Of course. There's no point going through a life-changing experience if you can't come out the other end offering 'People' mag some life-affirming aphorism dripping with positivity.

    Bridges apparently recovered from covid thanks to "convalescent plasma," using blood from people who have already recovered from the virus.

    And the tabs think Kourtney Kardashian and Travis Barker are crazy for drinking each other's blood?

    'Us Weekly'

    Julianne Hough is this week's midriff-baring cover girl, revealing: "My Best Body!"

    Her best body is, unsurprisingly, the same one she's had for the past 33 years. She's the face of the rag's annual summer "diet and workout tips" issue, offering advice from stars including Beyoncé, Lily James, Megan Fox, J. Lo, Jessica Biel, Megan Thee Stallion, Shawn Mendes, Halle Berry, Jennifer Aniston, David Beckham and Kim Kardashian – and the chances are that not a single one of them actually spoke with the magazine.

    Thankfully we have the crack investigative team at 'Us Weekly' to tell us that Kelsea Ballerini wore it best, that Bethenny Frankel makes "superb scrambled eggs," and that the stars are just like us: they chat on their phones, get food to go, and paddleboard with their siblings. It's practically designed to make you feel bad about yourself if you haven't paddleboarded with a sibling lately.

    Elsewhere in the tabs . . .

    'In Touch'

    Kourtney Kardashian and Travis Barker's "Wedding Joy and Drama" takes the cover, telling how their "'Magical' Weekend Almost Goes Horribly Wrong."

    Sister Khloé Kardashian allegedly broke down and fled the wedding reception, while family matriarch and 'momager' Kris Jenner reportedly got "wasted."

    'Life & Style'

    "Princess Kate" is this week's cover girl, which should already tip you off that this isn't strictly kosher, since Kate isn't a princess at all, but only a Duchess.

    Nevertheless, she is apparently telling her favorite tabloid: "Lessons I learned From the Queen." I'm sure the 'Life & Style' staff had a great sit-down interview with the Duchess of Cambridge, who reportedly talks about her "royal duties, managing anxiety, and the secret to a happy marriage."

    It probably involves not talking to the tabloids.

    'Ok!'

    The magazine quietly slipped off the newsstands and into the history books this month, becoming the first of the troubled major celebrity glossy magazines to succumb to falling circulation. The rag will now only appear irregularly to offer occasional special issues, though an avatar will endure online. This week, however, there's just a gap on the newsstands where it once sat.

    Onwards and downwards . . .

  • Kamala Backstabs Biden in last week's dubious tabloids

    'National Enquirer'

    "War In The White House!" Screams last week's cover story. "Kamala Stabs Biden In Back!"

    Just in case you hadn't noticed, there's a soap opera's worth of violence, betrayal and scheming going on at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

    Vice President Harris "is at Biden's throat and determined to bring him down," claims the rag, allegedly because the president is "planning to dump her from the 2024 presidential ticket."

    Harris is reportedly "absolutely furious" to have been "saddled with near-impossible tasks" like fixing the Mexican border issue – which should be a breeze after Jared Kushner solved the Middle East crisis – and her staff are allegedly slamming Biden as "a doddering, senile laughingstock."

    Politics as usual.

    "Clooney Goes Loony For Amal's Sexy new Look!"

    Accomplished and independent human rights lawyer Amal Clooney puts on some makeup, has her hair done and wears a body-hugging red dress, and the 'Enquirer' calls it a "$3 million makeover" that has saved their marriage. Right. Because appearance is more important than character.

    "Clown Prince Harry In Hot Water Again!"

    The Prince filmed a YouTube ad for his sustainable travel project Travelyst, that the 'Enquirer' deems a slap in the face to the Royal Family because it's yet another of his and Meghan's "shameless attempts to cash in on their connection to the crown."

    Except while Harry's certainly raising his public profile he's not exactly trying to cash in – Travelyst is a non-profit charity trying to transform the travel industry with more ecologically beneficial vacation planning.

    Harry is also accused of insulting New Zealand's native tribes by using the Maori word "kaupapa" in the video, which apparently means work for public good.

    The Enquirer doesn't even bother quoting any unnamed sources in New Zealand, but simply states that Harry is "exploiting their culture to advance his own PR agenda." Their sources, it turns out, come from British newspaper The Daily Mail quoting unnamed Twitter users.

    "Baby Formula Shortage Puts Kids At Risk!"

    You think?

    "Adele Is Rolling Deep In The Dumps!"

    The singer's boyfriend, sports agent Rich Paul, missed Adele's 34th birthday, instead hanging out with client LeBron James in Miami. The 'Enquirer' says it's a sign she's about to be dumped. Others might say that Paul was working.

    'Globe'

    The magazine has been predicting the divorce of Barack and Michelle Obama for years, so far without success, so you can sense their delight in their latest cover story: "Michelle Falls For Race Car Driver, 37!"

    The former First Lady is photographed hugging race car driver Lewis Hamilton, with a caption that clearly indicates they've been caught red-handed: "Gotcha!"

    But this was no clandestine embrace. They were out in public before hundreds of witnesses at a practice session before the Miami Grand Prix at the Miami International Autodrome.

    The duo had an animated conversation that both appeared to enjoy, but leave it to the 'Globe' to say: "They looked like a loving couple," and claim that the former First Lady "is playing Russian roulette with her shaky marriage."

    "Failing Meghan Erases Her Past!"

    Not exactly.

    Duchess Meghan and Prince Harry's animated series 'Pearl' was cancelled by Netflix while still in development, and the website for her production company Archewell has removed mention of the show.

    That's Meghan erasing her past, according to the 'Globe.'

    "Putin's Greatest Hits!"

    No, the Russian prime minister is not secretly topping the charts with a clandestine singing career, or appearing in the next season of The Masked Singer. It's a catalogue of Russian oligarchs who allegedly "got on the wrong side" of Putin and were "slaughtered under suspicious circumstances."

    "Nicole's Funky Face Freaks Out Fans!"

    Frivolous "Fs" flying furiously freely as the alliteration-loving 'Globe' challenges Nicole Kidman's claim that "she's never gone under the knife," after unnamed fans – perhaps those sitting in the 'Globe' editorial office? – declare her "unrecognizable."

    A cosmetic surgeon who has never treated Kidman explains: "No doubt she has had surgery".

    These words, "no doubt" – I do not think they mean what you think they mean.

    'People'

    After years of Hollywood success (let's not mention 'Cats') without worrying about her weight, Australian comic actress Rebel Wilson's 80-pound slim-down over the past two years makes her this week's cover girl declaring: "It was time to change."

    She explains that it wasn't societal pressure to conform to unrealistic stereotypical cultural body standards that prompted her reduction, but the result of being told by a doctor that it would be harder to conceive a child if she remained overweight.

    Yes, she's living her best life now, as is everyone in 'People' mag. Except she still hasn't had a baby.

    "Hate & Terror in Buffalo – 'This Is Pure Evil.'" Ten people die in a mass shooting, warranting four pages in the mag that devoted six pages to Rebel Wilson, clearly getting its editorial priorities straight.

    Singer Bobby Brown, who lost daughter Bobbi Kristina in 2013 and son Bobby Jr in 2020, sees them laughing in his dreams, and says: "That's enough for a father to feel like God has them."

    Presumably because God is the network programming chief our dreams.

    "Michelle Dockery & Elizabeth McGovern – Downtime With a Downton Duo."

    After playing mother and daughter on TV's 'Downton Abbey' for more than a decade, the two actresses feel like "proper family."

    They adored one another from the first, formed a "quite emotional" friendship, and are both addicted to 'The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills,' they reveal.

    'Us Weekly'

    'Top Gun: Maverick' star Tom Cruise dominates this week's front page: "Inside Tom's Private World – Scientology, Surgery & Turning 60."

    It's yet another cover story without interviewing the subject.

    He has apparently "turned his back on Hollywood for England" because people in the street react to him more positively there, is highly competitive with Brad Pitt and fellow Scientologist John Travolta, and allegedly has "bizarre dating rules," which amount to wanting a romantic partner "in tune with his beliefs and philosophies." How bizarre is that?

    Thankfully we have the crack investigative team at 'Us Weekly' to tell us that Katrina Bowden wore it best (and feel some pity for Rumer Willis, who wore her Rachel Parcell knitted dress like a sack of potatoes and garnered a dismal 4 per cent of readers' sympathy votes), that country singer Trace Adkins thinks "cats are a**holes," and that the stars are just like us: they shop for groceries, eat pizza, go jogging and get their nails done. And are stalked by paparazzi while doing it.

    Elsewhere in the tabloids . . .

    'Life & Style'

    Recently liberated from years under court conservatorships, Britney Spears and Amanda Bynes share this week's cover: "Britney & Amanda – Struggling With Freedom. Nude selfies, drug binges & breakdowns."

    The rag takes its usual sympathetic ands supportive look at the duo.

    "Britney's blowing $80,000 a week," claims the rag. "Cops rush to Amanda's house after 911 call."

    But Spears earned every penny that she's now free to spend. And there was not one 911 call but two from Bynes home, as both she and fiancé Paul Michael both called police as a domestic argument brewed. Hours later the couple were spotted kissing while running errands, suggesting that after accusing one another of drug abuse all had been forgotten and forgiven after Michael's drug test came back clean.

    'In Touch'

    The Kardashian matriarch and momager is this week's cover girl: "Kris Jenner's Dirtiest Secrets Revealed! Robbery, Abuse & A Fatal Car Crash."

    She allegedly "leaked Kim's sex tape for $1 million!", "Demands O.J. & Khloé get DNA test!" and "Tried to stop Kourtney & Travis' Wedding!"

    Because that's what a mother's love looks like.

    Onwards and downwards . . .

  • "Humiliated Meghan" in this week's dubious tabloids

    'National Enquirer'

    The Royal soap opera continues to entertain the tabloids, with this week's 'Enquirer' cover story screaming: "Humiliated Meghan Cancelled By Hollywood! Diva dreams turn total nightmare!"

    Netflix has cancelled the animated series 'Pearl' being developed by Prince Harry and Duchess Meghan as part of their reported $100 million deal with the streaming service, and all their other shows "are facing the chopping block" according to an unnamed insider.

    Netflix has issued a statement emphasising their continued support for the royal couple and their production slate, so that's probably the kiss of death to the entire deal.

    "Johnny & Amber Flunk Lie Tests!"

    No, Johnny Depp and Amber Heard didn't sit down and strap in for a polygraph. The 'Enquirer' ran audio of their libel suit's courtroom testimony through a "DecepTech" lie detector, which sounds like something that might be given away in a pack of cornflakes, but allegedly diagnosed that "both battling exes aren't telling total truth."

    Science at its very best.

    The love life of Rolling Stones frontman Mick Jagger, aged 78, continues to fascinate the 'Enquirer,' which reports: "Mick's Got His Flirt On Again!"

    Jagger is still with his lover of eight years, former ballerina Melanie Hamrick,, aged 35, but a source claims "he still can't resist checking out the chicks!"

    Apparently written by a journalist who last spoke to a breathing female in 1983.

    'Globe'

    Breaking with years of tradition, the 'Globe' appears to have a real story on its cover . . . if it's true.

    "Naomi Judd Suicide Cover-Up Exposed!" Yells the headline. "Country queen, 76, shot herself!"

    That counts as a decent (if invasive) scoop if it's accurate. Judd's suicide after struggling with mental illness has been previously reported, but it was unknown how she took her own life.

    "Monroe's Mortician Tells All."

    Undertaker Allan Abbott reveals that Marilyn Monroe was looking aged, bloated, and the roots of her hair were showing when she turned up on his slab in 1962.

    But he said all this in his memoir, 'Pardon My Hearse,' published in 2015 and widely reported at the time.

    It was also the year that Abbott died, but seven years later he "tells all" to the Globe, apparently from beyond the grave. Have the 'Globe' reporters resorted to doing interview via a Ouija board? Or perhaps the editorial staff has only recently learned to read?

    "Cancer Op For Paranoid Putin."

    You would expect the 'Globe' crack geopolitical reporting team to have the exclusive story on Putin going under the knife for cancer, and the tabloid doesn't disappoint.

    But the rag surprisingly has no idea what form of cancer the Russian president is facing, and admits that he hasn't even had surgery, but merely "agreed to go under the knife in the near future." Right.

    "Did Carrie FIsher's Ghost Doom Dan's Marriage?"

    One can only hope that the answer to that question is a resounding "Yes!"

    'Ghostbusters' star Dan Aykroyd's wife of 39 years Donna has reportedly left him, and the late 'Star Wars' princess is apparently to blame, because she was allegedly "the real love of his life."

    Can't argue with the facts, especially where ghosts and a Ghostbuster are involved.

    'People'

    Actress Selma Blair is this week's cover girl, revealing: "How I Survived Addiction & Abuse."

    As she struggles to live with multiple sclerosis, Blair talks in her new memoir about "drinking from age 7, an eating disorder and sexual abuse."

    It's a wonder she survived, revealing: "I came home from elementary school and more often than not I cracked open a beer before starting my homework."

    Maybe worth trying as an alternative to Adderall.

    She was sexually assaulted by a teacher in high school, and "when I wasn't in class, I drank," and lived "with reckless behavior," she confesses.

    But Blair concludes: "I'm still here . . . and I'm okay," though that may not be everyone's definition of "okay."

    "Marilyn Monroe – Unheard Tapes."

    A cache of vintage interviews "sheds new light on the star's haunting death," claims the mag. But the interviews aren't with Monroe.

    They are chats with more than 650 sources for author Anthony Summers' 1985 book 'Goddess: The Secret Lives of Marilyn Monroe.'

    In other words, the best material in these interviews all came out 37 years ago, and Summers is just trying to cash in on them again, using them as the basis for a new Netflix documentary.

    Repeated are all the ancient allegations: Hollywood private eye Fred Otash claiming that he secretly recorded Monroe and JFK making love; Bobby Kennedy possibly visiting Monroe in her final hours; and sources claiming Monroe's apparent suicide was a murder covered up by powerful forces.

    As ever in the tabloids, what's old is new again.

    'Us Weekly'

    Jennifer Garner dominates this week's cover: "Jen's Engagement Shock – New Ring, Big Trouble!"

    The mag claims that Jennifer Garner is engaged, and that she and ex-husband Ben Affleck are "racing to the altar." Not with each other, of course; they are racing to beat one other to the altar with their respective new loves.

    Garner has been wearing a diamond ring since November, igniting engagement speculation, and nothing has been confirmed since then, but 'Us Weekly' decided to swing for the fences anyway.

    Friends are allegedly "warning her to take it slow."

    Garner should sue over the unflattering cover photo.

    Thankfully we have the crack investigative team at 'Us Weekly' to tell us that Danai Gurira wore it best (a rare defeat for Emily Ratajkowski), that '2 Broke Girls' alum Beth Bears loves "a good fart joke," and that the stars are just like us: they watch live sports, walk their dogs, go shopping and grab coffee to go.

    Elsewhere in the tabloids:

    'Life & Style'

    Kim Kardashian says: "Kanye's Making My Life Hell!" Except she is unlikely to have ever spoken with the rag, and anyone who reads the tabloids has seen this story floated a dozen times over the past six months.

    'In Touch'

    "Johnny & Amber's House of Horrors."

    The most sensational highlights of Depp and Heard's courtroom testimony in their race-to-the-bottom libel lawsuit are regurgitated: "Drugs, Violence & Dungeon' Role-Playing."

    Onwards and downwards . . .

  • Duchess Meghan and Donald Trump battle for the White House in this week's dubious tabloids

    'National Enquirer'

    Combining American politics with British royalty is a tabloid wet dream, and this week the presidential ambitions of two alleged contenders for the White House dominate the 'Enquirer' front page: "Why Trump's Trashing Harry & Meghan!"

    Donald Trump allegedly wants to kill any aspiration that Prince Harry's wife Meghan might have of making herself at home in the Oval Office. He reportedly doesn't want another charismatic rival, after Michelle Obama is also supposedly musing a run for the presidency.

    Trump told British commentator Piers Morgan that Harry had insulted the Queen, and calls him "whipped" by Meghan.

    And the royal couple's hiring of Barack Obama's reelection guru Miranda Barbot is interpreted as an unequivocal indication that Meghan has her sights set on 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

    Hard to argue with facts and logic, especially where Trump is involved.

    "Streep's Addicted – To Housewives!"

    Oscar winner Meryl Streep isn't hooked on crack or cocaine (at least, not that we know of) but apparently she has an insatiable craving for 'The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.' At least she's a functioning addict.

    "VA Stabs Our Heroes In The Back!"

    The 'Enquirer' claims that the Veterans Administration is plagued by "bribery, fraud and shoddy services." Shameful as these allegations might be, they've been levelled against the VA many times over many years. It's what qualifies a public service reporting for the 'Enquirer,' whose opinion obviously holds great sway over the governmental agency.

    'Globe'

    "Bill Clinton, 75, At Death's Door!" reports the cover story.

    Is the former president confined to bed, unable to walk, barely able to breathe?

    No. He was photographed last month at a public event in New York reportedly looking "wasted, weak & struggling to stand."

    Yet photographs show him looking far from "gaunt and emaciated," despite the Globe's claims to the contrary, and he clearly walked to the stage and delivered a speech without needing oxygen bottles, a nurse or a wheelchair

    A doctor who hasn't examined Clinton gave his professional diagnosis: "He looks terrible!"

    Right. Call the undertaker.

    "Gwyn Hiring Guru For Change of Life Sex!"

    Gwyneth Paltrow is allegedly hiring a "mentor" to help her "rebrand" menopause as an exciting "new chapter" in life. Sounds like she needs to hire a marketing guru.

    "MacKenzie: I Bed Mamas & Papas!"

    MacKenzie Phillips claims that she was raped by her father, Mama & Papas singer John Phillips. This might be more shocking if she hadn't previously confessed in 2009 to having had a ten-year consensual sexual relationship with her dad.

    "Hard Times For Harry!"

    The 'Globe' employed a "body language expert" to study Harry and Meghan's interactions at the Invictus Games in The Hague last month, who found Meghan "pitch-perfect" in her affection and excitement toward her husband, which must have come as something of a disappointment to the editorial team.

    But that doesn't stop them from finding the worst in her unspoken gestures.

    Because Meghan hitched up her shoulder to keep a handbag strap in place while shaking hands, the body language expert accuses her of "mimicking the late Princess Diana." Just like every other Diana-copying woman who ever wore a shoulder-bag, one imagines.

    So why does the 'Globe' call it "hard times" for Harry? He was allegedly "unable to hide his inner sadness in the days immediately after meeting his frail granny, Queen Elizabeth".

    Or could it be that he appeared sombre after spending days meeting wounded and disabled former servicemen, while under pressure to produce his coming Netflix series 'Heart of Invictus?'

    "Is This Bigfoot?"

    The 'Globe' asks if a blurred white blob pictured on a thermal camera is a 300-pound Sasquatch romping through a Washington forest. Or could it just have been an overweight hunter? Which is the more likely?

    'People'

    Naomi Judd is this week's cover story: "A Country Queen's Tragic Death." The mag concludes that mental illness sucks.

    "Minnie Driver: What I've Learned."

    It's almost insulting that everything Minnie Driver has learned can be condensed into four short paragraphs. She admits having to "fight really hard for every job I ever got," and that "learning to communicate is the biggest, greatest part about getting older."

    "The Who's Pete Townshend – Confessions of a Rock and Roll Survivor."

    He tried to save Keith Moon from himself, suffered PTS after 11 people died at a Cincinnati concert in 1979, and takes comfort in being sober "one day at a time." At the age of 76, he must frequently reflect on the irony of decades ago writing the lyrics: "Hope I die before I get old."

    'Us Weekly'

    Prince William and Duchess Kate's seven-year-old daughter Princess Charlotte is this week's cover girl, with the dubious headline in quotes: "One Day I'll Be Queen."

    No, she won't. And she never said that.

    Charlotte is fourth in line to the throne, just as Prince Edward once was, and look how well that turned out for him. Is Edward King? Of course not, and Charlotte's chances of ever becoming Queen are slim, as she'd have to orchestrate the deaths of her grandfather Prince Charles, her father Prince William, and her older brother Prince George before she could wear the crown.

    Or is 'Us Weekly' suggesting that the seven-year-old is plotting to kill her way to the throne?

    Her best window of opportunity to push George under a bus will probably arrive when he is aged 16 to 22, before he settles down and starts producing heirs, but once he's married and popping our mini-royals it's game over for Charlotte.

    She's allegedly "top of her class & speaks four languages."

    Right. Perhaps she can say "Let them eat cake in four languages," but is she really fluent in four languages at the age of seven? Incroyable.

    Thankfully we have the crack investigative team at 'Us Weekly' to tell us that Christa B. Allen wore it best, that 'Stargirl' actress Amy Smart has "a huge gong that's tuned to the frequency of Jupiter," and that the stars are just like us: they wear headphones, do yard work, and eat healthy food. Because they live such interesting lives.

    Elsewhere in the tabloids:

    'OK!' magazine

    "Jen Finally Moves On." Seventeen years after what the rag calls her "humiliating divorce" from Brad Pitt, the mag is finally acknowledging that she's over him. Ironic, since 'OK!' Magazine clung to the dream of an Aniston-Pitt reconciliation for years after both actors had given up on that, faced reality and comfortably become old friends.

    'Life & Style'

    But wait a minute! Brad Pitt is still struggling through the nightmare of his divorce from his post-Aniston bride, Angelina Jolie, as the mag's cover story reports: "Heartbroken Brad – I haven't Seen My Kids In 5 Years."

    But that's simply not true. Pitt hasn't been photographed in public with his kids in years, but under court orders he gets to see them in private, away from the cameras, and was reportedly with them as recently as last year.

    'In Touch'

    The British Royal Family is caught in a "Phone Hack Scandal!" screams the front page, displaying photos of Prince Charles and wife Camilla, Prince William and Kate, Prince Harry and Meghan, and Prince Andrew with ex-wife Sarah Ferguson.

    It's like a soap opera extravaganza: "Meghan 'Makes Harry Cry,'" ""Kate 'Traps William,'" "Andrew Calls Fergie 'A Fat Cow.'" And "Charles & Camilla's 'Hot Sex Life.'"

    No doubt accurate and fully fact-checked with the Royal Family.

    Onwards and downwards . . .

  • Joe Biden's "dementia" and alien abductions in last week's dubious tabloids

    'National Enquirer'

    "Joe Biden Dementia Crisis!" screams the 'Enquirer' cover story.

    The President is allegedly suffering "bizarre hallucinations," "shocking memory loss," and is "dazed & easily confused."

    Sounds just like every Republican who hallucinated that the January 6 insurrection never happened, and who don't remember a thing about it when questioned.

    Of course, the 'Enquirer' calls denials of Biden's mental health problems a "White House cover-up."

    "Julia Roberts Trashes Hollywood!"

    No, she doesn't. She simply said in a recent interview she hasn't appeared in a rom-com in 20 years because she couldn't find a script she liked. Though it went unsaid, it's probably also because most rom-com leads are offered to actresses 20 years her junior.

    "Mick's Ex Can't Get No Satisfaction From Al."

    Al Pacino is reportedly failing to satisfy his 28-year-old girlfriend, former Mick Jagger flame Noor Alfallah.

    But there's nothing in the story to say that Alfallah isn't happy with Pacino, aged 82. It's just the 'Enquirer' frowning sanctimoniously at the couple's age difference, and quoting unnamed sources who warn "to not expect things to work out."

    Where's Nostradamus when you really need him?

    "Harry Kicks William & Charles Again."

    It's billed as an "Enquirer Exclusive," which is a bit rich for a story based on quotes taken from Harry's interview with NBC's Today show host Hoda Kotb. Harry claimed to be "protecting" the Queen, which is interpreted as a slap in the face (or a kick) to his father Prince Charles and brother Prince William, who actually do that job full-time.

    "Escort Service Got Phil's Ex Easy Lover."

    I had to read this headline five times before finally figuring out what it was trying to say. Rocker Phil Collins' ex-wife Orianne Cevey allegedly "shopped for her estranged toyboy husband on an escort website" before moving him into Collins' Miami Beach mansion, according to legal documents.

    It all makes sense now.

    "All Foxed Up!"

    I think that's supposed to be a play on words by the literary genius sub-editors at the 'Enquirer.' In a "world exclusive" the rag claims that Fox stars Tucker Carlson, Jesse Watters and Greg Gutfeld are "caught in sex and drugs nightmares."

    How the worm has turned.

    "New Bio-Lab Leak Ravaging China!"

    Residents of Shanghai and other major Chinese cities are under Covid lockdown, but the 'Enquirer,' with its mastery of geopolitical reporting and sources inside the highest levels of the Chinese government, claims that a "weaponised virus is the REAL reason" for the crackdown. Because the 'Enquirer' would know.

    "New Pentagon UFO Cover-Up Exposed!"

    Not exactly. The Pentagon investigates UFOs: unidentified, but not necessarily extra-terrestrial phenomena. This reportedly includes crop circles, alleged alien abductions, an "unaccounted pregnancy" and reports of sexual encounters with aliens.

    While the Pentagon looks into these events, for obvious reasons it doesn't make its findings public – because most are batshit crazy. So when some of these bizarre close encounters of the third kind emerged in a cache of newly released documents from 2007 to 2012, of course the 'Enquirer' blames a government "cover-up."

    Can use expect them to soon offer readers' advice on how to cover their heads with aluminium foil?

    'Globe'

    They've been reporting on the Queen's impending demise for years now, and sooner or later they're bound to get it right – though not necessarily with this week's cover story:'"Frail Queen's Final Farewell."

    Just turned 96, the Queen is reportedly "in seclusion & fighting for life."

    Despite her alleged frailty, Her Royal Highness has also reportedly issued a "stern warning for rebels Harry & Meghan," passed along her "tragic deathbed wish" to Duchess Kate, and revealed "family secrets" to Charles and William.

    Not bad going for a nonagenarian allegedly on her last legs.

    What was the Queen's warning to Harry & Meghan? The 'Globe' never says.

    The Queen's final wish? "To save the monarchy at all costs".

    And the Royal family secret she shared?

    "The dying queen told the future kings forgiveness is the Windsor family's secret for survival."

    Seventy years heading the British Empire, and that's the best she can come up with?

    "Clothes Horse Meghan Puts On The Dog!"

    The Duchess of Sussex, painted as a "woke anti-poverty crusader," reportedly "flaunts $48G wardrobe on three-day trip."

    Because obviously any anti-poverty crusader worth her salt would be living in a cardboard box and wear only sack-cloth and ashes.

    Celebrity brothers are being dumped and dismissed en masse in this week's 'Globe.'

    "Angie Cuts her Brother Dead!" reports the rag, claiming that Angelina Jolie "has now turned her back" on brother James.

    And Sharon Stone's "Stone-Cold Heartbreak!" Is reported, claiming that the actress is making a documentary with her older brother Michael Stone, who "plunged into a nightmare world of drugs and addiction" while she was enjoying "screen stardom." How thoughtless of her.

    "Teen Gorilla Addicted To Smartphone!"

    Who the heck is he calling?

    The 'Globe' claims that 420-pound gorilla Amare at Chicago's Lincoln Park Zoo is "hooked on taking selfies". This is why you should never give your pet its own Instagram page.

    'People'

    Dame Helen Mirren, aged 76, is the cover girl in 'People' magazine's annual "Beautiful Issue." There's page after page of beautiful women of all ages – men have their own issue later in the year, though the mag deems them "sexy" rather than "beautiful" – because what could be more important than a woman's appearance?

    "Don't Call it Beauty, Call it Swagger!" Says Mirren, who 'People' mag proclaim a "Hot Dame!" After ten pages of Mirren readers are treated to "beautiful" women including, but not limited to, Sandra Bullock, Reese Witherspoon, Zendaya, Olivia Rodrigo, Adele, Jung Ho-Yeon, Julia Garner, Zoe Kravitz, Lily James, Viola Davis, Carrie Coon, Andie MacDowell,, Jennifer Connelly, Juno Temple, Selena Gomez, Jessica Chastain . . . and the list goes on and on, through 34 pages of "beautiful" people.

    The mag also features a new photo of the Queen standing between two snow-white Fell ponies at Windsor Castle. Doesn't this woman know she's supposed to be in isolation on her deathbed and incapable of standing unaided? She really needs to get with the program.

    'Us Weekly'

    After the Academy Awards "slap heard around the world," this week's cover story was inevitable:

    "Jada & Will – It's All Falling Apart."

    Following Will Smith's assault on Chris Rock at the Oscars, the Smiths are reportedly "Fighting nonstop & secretly talking divorce."

    Sure they are. Just like 'Us Weekly' has reported time and again over the years.

    "Angelina jolie – Suing the FBI?"

    The rag claims that Jolie has anonymously sued the FBI "to find out why its agents didn't arrest [Brad] Pitt, 58, after they investigated the 2016 plane incident where he allegedly got physical with their son Maddox."

    No bad blood between those exes, apparently. But can one actually sue a government agency anonymously? And can one sue because their investigation failed to lead to criminal charges? It all seems rather dubious, to say the least.

    Thankfully we have the crack investigative team at 'Us Weekly' to tell us that Vanessa Hudgens wore it best, that Drew Barrymore "can pick things up with my toes," and that the stars are just like us: they eat pizza by the slice, enjoy healthy smoothies, soak up the sun, and chat on their cell phones.

    Illuminating, as always.

    Onwards and downwards . . .

  • Disney's "dirty secrets exposed" in last week's dubious tabloids

    'National Enquirer'

    Attacking the threat of liberal woke culture is evidently front page news for the 'Enquirer,' whose cover story declares: "Disney's Dirty Secrets Exposed!"

    Apparently the Disney corporation is pushing a "woke" agenda by pushing back against Florida's "don't say gay" law, and by – shock! horror! – having a same-sex couple kiss in a recent 'Star Wars' outing.

    Disney also allegedly exploits "tragic child stars" who are "used, abused and tossed in there trash," the magazine claims.

    Who are these abused and abandoned child stars who "have been sucked into drug addiction and pornography, or had mental health issues"? The list of victims includes Justin Timberlake, Christina Aguilera, Ryan Gosling, Miley Cyrus, Zac Efron, Selena Gomez and Shia LaBeouf.

    Whatever became of those poor, lost, abandoned and forgotten stars? Where are they now?

    "Bonkers Bigshots Teeter on the Edge!"

    The 'Enquirer' claims that "berserk Oscar thug" Will Smith isn't the only celebrity whose "unhinged behaviour is worrying mental health experts."

    Add Cardi B (allegedly making death threats to fans) and Kanye West (attacking his ex Kim Kardashian and her boyfriend Peter Davidson) to the list.

    Presumably "mental health experts" spend much of their time examining celebrity behaviour by reading the tabloids, and commenting on the medical condition of stars they have never met.

    "Madonna Freaks Fans With Disfigured Face!"

    This is news?

    "Obama Tells Joe: It's Time To Go!"

    Barack Obama visited the White House to celebrate the 12th anniversary of the Affordable Care Act. Or, as the psychic empaths at the 'Enquirer' describe it, Obama went to his former home to "send a pointed message to the embattled current commander in chief," telling President Joe Biden to "abandon his bid for reelection."

    Strange how the lamestream media all missed that exchange.

    "The Prince & The Pervert!"

    Prince Charles' private letters to the late British TV personality and pedophile Jimmy Saville are exposed, proving that Charles was as bad a judge of character as every other member of the British establishment in being unaware of Saville's sick predilections.

    Charles understandably claims he was unaware that Saville was a child molester, but the 'Enquirer,' never shy of little hyperbole, calls his letters "cataclysmic for the already endangered monarchy."

    "Sky's The Limit For Travel-Crazy Congress!"

    Members of Congress allegedly spent $32 million in overseas travel expenses in the last four years, complains the 'Enquirer,' "which appear to be vacations in disguise!"

    Sure, like all those vacations they took to Afghanistan, Iraq, and other conflict zones.

    The 'Enquirer' laments that Californian Rep. David Valadao spent nearly $15,000 on last-minute airfare to fly to Albania to visit Afghan refugees. Sounds like everyone's dream vacation.

    'Globe'

    Another British royal intrigue graces the 'Globe' front page: "Prince Andrew Caught In New Bribe Scandal!"

    It's a hyped-up repeat of recent UK revelations about Andrew and members of his family accepting money from Nabahar Isbilen, the wife of an imprisoned Turkish politician.

    "How Bruce Willis, 67, Will End His Last Days."

    The 'Globe' offers readers a cheery look into the many gruesome ways the actor could die after being diagnosed with aphasia.

    The 'Globe' team of psychic medical experts conclude that Willis's illness "could be Alzheimer's," and that he "may be dead in just FIVE YEARS."

    The rag gleefully reports that patients routinely "lose the ability to do routine bodily functions like eating and bladder and bowel control," and become "bedridden and die of urinary tract infections or pneumonia."

    Trust the 'Globe' to always look on the bright side of life.

    "Beyonce's Perfect Vampire Boobs! Too good to be natural."

    An unnamed source claims the singer "recently had some fat transfer done and perhaps new implants too."

    Perhaps?

    Apparently the "vampire breast lift" is a technique that "rounds and increases boob size with injections of platelet-rich plasma."

    Just the way Nosteratu likes it.

    "Meghan & Harry Get A Spanking!"

    No, there's no BDSM going on in royal quarters (at least, that we know of.) It's just Meghan's dad Thomas Markle complaining that the couple's "unforgivable" absence at Prince Philip's memorial service was a "slap in the face" to the Queen. Maybe, like Will Smith, Harry and Meghan will be banned from the Oscars for the next ten years.

    "What Really Happens At Mortician's School. Gal reveals it's not for the squeamish."

    Well, that's a shock, though it's heartwarming to see the term "gal" rescued from the 1940s.

    "Two UFOs Menace U.S. Warship Again! Navy brass confirms 'they are NOT ours!'"

    So they belong to someone else then? That doesn't necessarily make them alien craft.

    Witnesses on the USS Kearsarge claim to have seen two balls of light about half a mile distant, and anti-drone weaponry failed to down them. So they must be extra-terrestrial?

    'People'

    Actress Viola Davis is the cover girl, proclaiming: "This Is My Survival Story."

    Yes, but it's the same survival story she's told before: "Impoverished, hungry & abused as a child," she learned to forgive "in order to heal."

    The confirmation of Ketanji Brown Jackson to the US Supreme Court gets a full page – but only one short paragraph: a mere 59 words including headline and caption. Maybe that's why they title this momentous event "Making history."

    "Ben Affleck & Jennifer Lopez – Their Perfect Engagement."

    Isn't that what they said the first time round 20 years ago?

    'Us Weekly' is absent this week, apparently gliding on the back of last week's double issue, which they forgot to mark as such. Anxious readers are left wondering who wore it best, and if the stars are really just like us.

    Elsewhere in the tabloids:

    'OK!'

    "Hollywood Divorce Drama!" Screams the cover.

    Justin Timberlake & Jessica Biel, Jessica Simpson and husband Eric, and Will Smith & wife Jada are all in the rag's cross-hairs. The tabloids have been promising for years that this triumvirate are poised to divorce, but it hasn't happened yet.

    'Life & Style'

    "A-Listers Secretly Obsessed With Fame!"

    Sandra Bullock, Nicole Kidman and Angelina Jolie are among those in the firing line.

    Allegedly they alter the paparazzi about their movements, and scream at publicists.

    Bear in mind that it's 'Life & Style' mag claiming the stars are obsessed with fame. Pot, meet kettle.

    'In Touch'

    Prince Andrew's daughter find themselves dragged into the tabloid mire thanks to their father, prompting the cover story: "Eugenie & Beatrice – Destroyed By Greed!"

    It's the "$1 Million Fraud Bombshell" of which neither sister claims to have been aware. Apparently they have their dad to thank for landing them in the scandal-sheets.

    Embarrassing, yes. But destroyed? Seriously?

    Onwards and downwards . . .

  • Will Smith's slap and Angelina Jolie's feet in this week's dubious tabloids

    'National Enquirer'

    There's conflict in Ukraine and civil war in Afghanistan, Ethiopia, Syria and Yemen, and this week's 'National Enquirer' devotes its front page to "TV Anchors At War!"

    But bno, it's not about the TV anchors reporting from the borders of combat zones as if they're risking their lives. It's about the petty personal feuds behind the scenes: "Who hates who!"

    It's Tucker Carlson vs Geraldo Rivera. Keith Olberman vs Rachel Maddow. Don Lemon, Jake Tapper and CNN vs Chris Cuomo.

    It's tired, ancient news, and unenlightening.

    "Harry & Meghan Police Cover-Up! What Scotland Yard was Ordered to Hide."

    Unsurprisingly, not what it seems.

    Prince Harry and Meghan, suing the British government to pay for a protection detail when they visit the UK, asked a judge to seal the court documents – hardly a shocking move in a case involving privacy and personal protection.

    And of course the 'Enquirer' has no idea what Scotland Yard was ordered to hide – because it's under seal.

    That doesn't stop the 'Enquirer' raging: "Harry & Meghan Cover-Up Holds Queen For Ransom!"

    The 'Enquirer' claims that Harry's lawsuit details the cost to taxpayers for protecting other members of the royal family, which if revealed "could be highly embarrassing for Her Majesty."

    Yet Harry is the one asking a court to keep that information private.

    "Jada Spanks Bad Boy Will!"

    Will Smith's "temper has been an issue for years," claims an unnamed insider, who alleges that wife Jada Pinkett-Smith is demanding her slap-happy hubby "attend anger management sessions."

    Couldn't hurt.

    "Alec & Hilaria Shoot The Moon With Baby No.7"

    Alec Baldwin and wife Hilaria are reportedly expecting a child, because he "sought solace in his wife's arms" after accidentally killing cinematographer Halyna Hutchins.

    "Goops!"

    Gwyneth Paltrow's "marriage is in crisis," according to unidentified insiders, who claim her focus on Goop business problems meant "her energy has not been on her marriage." Perhaps she needs to light up a vagina-scented candle and meditate for a day or two?

    'Globe'

    "Epstein Madam Secret plea Deal Exposed!" Proclaims the cover story. "Real reason Maxwell still isn't sentenced!"

    When you're wrong, you're wrong, and the 'Globe' is wonderfully wrong with its prediction that "her conviction will be squashed over a tainted jury claim".

    Wrong. The judge ruled that Maxwell's guilty verdict stands, despite a juror failing to reveal his own past sexual abuse.

    And by the way, convictions are quashed, not squashed.

    The story goes on to claim that "Maxwell has escaped spending the rest of her life behind bars by cutting a secret plea deal to turn state's evidence."

    She is allegedly "spilling her guts" about convicted billionaire paedophile Jeffrey Epstein's playmates Prince Andrew, Bill Clinton, Bill Gates, former Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Barak, and lawyer Alan Dershowitz.

    Except Ghislaine had no reason to say anything to prosecutors as long as she had hope that the judge might throw out her conviction.

    That judge's decision clearly came after the 'Globe' had gone to press. So there is no way that Maxwell could have been spilling her guts, or spilling the beans, or spilling anything while she was hoping for a retrial.

    "Will & Jada $400M Divorce Smackdown."

    It's to be expected: When the 'Enquirer' suggests that Jada Pinkett-Smith wants hubby Will to take anger management sessions, the 'Globe' goes a bridge too far and claims they'll be divorcing, just like they claim every celebrity couple is divorcing whenever there's a bump in the road.

    "Putin, 69, Dying of Cancer!"

    How do they know?

    The medically trained paranormal empaths specially employed by the 'Globe' note that Putin's face is looking "puffy" compared with 20 years ago, and that "in the past we have seen him smile, but in 2022 there are few pictures of him looking happy."

    As any medically trained expert can tell you, a failure to smile is an established indicator of Stage 4 cancer.

    "Queen Thinks Andy Is Dandy! Outrages Charles & William by giving sex creep key role at Philip memorial."

    The Queen's "shocking olive branch" to her favorite son as he walked her into Westminster Abbey for Prince Philip's memorial service allegedly "ripped the royal family apart."

    Strange. Who'd have thought that having an alleged rapist at your side could provoke such a fuss?

    "Health Scare Over Angie's Freaky Feet!"

    No, she doesn't have seven toes or a club foot. Angelina Jolie made the mistake of allowing herself to be photographed wearing sandals, and the medically trained experts at the 'Globe' conclude that her tootsies reveal "the alarmingly scary condition" that "she's developing osteoporosis and even diabetes!"

    Just imagine what these medical experts could do with a stethoscope and a thermometer.

    'People'

    "Heartbreaking News" declares the cover story. "Bruce's Battle & His Family's Love."

    Bruce Willis's extended family gathers around him after his aphasia diagnosis, in a tender story that he probably can't read for himself.

    Yet another Will Smith slap story: "Could Will Lose His Oscar?"

    Only if he leaves in in the back of an Uber. Yet another story proving Betteridge's law of headlines: If it ends in a question mark, then the answer is No.

    'Us Weekly'

    "William's Shock Confession – Why I'll Never Be King," declares the cover story.

    When you're wrong, you're wrong.

    Did 'Us Weekly 'snag an exclusive interview with Prince William?

    Of course not.

    Did he say he'll "never be king"?

    Not even according to the story inside the rag, which quotes unnamed insiders saying that William fears he may never be King "at least not in the conventional sense."

    Right. So maybe he'll be an unconventional King?

    'Us Weekly' claims William was "caught off guard" when the Queen recently announced that Camilla would eventually become Queen Consort once Charles ascends to the throne, because "it was widely believed the queen might pass over Charles" and give the crown to grandson William instead.

    No, it was never widely believed. It wasn't even believed by the tabloid reporters who kept flogging the same dead horse.

    The Settlement Act of 1701 mandates that the crown passes to the monarch's heir – in this case, Prince Charles – and the Queen has zero discretion in naming her successor. As long as he's alive, that's Charles. Get over it.

    "Fears Over Harry's Tell-All."

    Prince Harry is writing a memoir, and the contents have been kept strictly under wraps. Telling us nothing that we don't already know, an insider says: "Harry does talk about all of his family members in the book, but not all of it is negative. He actually even praises some royals, including the queen."

    If this alleged insider actually had any information about what Harry's memoir contains, it wouldn't be this bland bromide.

    Thankfully we have the crack investigative team at 'Us Weekly' to tell us that Anne Hathaway wore it best, that Melissa Rivers"ate chocolate Pop-Tarts for breakfast every day from high school until I was 23," and that the stars are just like us: they eat meals, buy groceries, and shop for plants. Who knew?

    Elsewhere in the tabloids:

    "OK!'

    Shalene Woodley and Aaron Rodgers are this week's cover couple, declaring: "We're Getting Married!"

    But are they really? They only broke up last month, and most sources (with the exception of TMZ) think it premature to talk of a reconciliation, let alone an engagement.

    'Life & Style'

    "Harry & Meghan's Separate Lives! 'It's Why She's In Hiding.'"

    Is Meghan in hiding? Or is she just keeping her life private?

    Allegedly the couple are "arguing over money – and the royal family" and Harry is "sleeping in the guesthouse."

    Thankfully, they are "staying strong for their kids."

    That's nice.

    It's astonishing how much information reporters can unearth about a couple who they claim never leave their home or talk to anyone.

    'InTouch'

    "Bruce Willis' Emotional Goodbye. Inside His heartbreaking Final Days."

    Apparently the rag believes he's dying – something that has gone unmentioned in all other reports – and is "giving his $250 million fortune away."

    Not so easy when you have aphasia. Good luck getting that past the lawyers.

    Onwards and downwards . . .

  • Biden's "crimes" and "henpecked" Harry in this week's dubious tabloids

    'National Enquirer'

    "Joe Biden Criminal Cover-Up Exposed!" screams the cover story. "FBI protected president and crooked son Hunter!"

    It's the same old allegations of Hunter Biden's drug abuse and questionable foreign business deals that we've seen over the past 18 months, but now the 'Enquirer' claims that the FBI knew about Hunter's lost laptop computer in April 2019 and deliberately failed to investigate any of the alleged wrongdoing it contained.

    Yet the FBI has always said that it obtained the laptop in April 2019, and made no secret of this fact.

    When news of the lost laptop went public in October 2020, one month before the presidential election, the FBI claimed it was still trying to ascertain if it had been tampered with.

    This is tantamount to a cover-up according to Texas-based criminal defense lawyer Joe Gutheinz, whose specialty appears to be in hunting lost Moon rocks, which is good enough for the 'Enquirer' to consider him an expert in FBI forensic investigations.

    "Ben Blows Big Dough To Keep J.Lo Happy!"

    The 'Enquirer' objects to Ben Affleck paying for "private jets to Spain and St Tropez, five-star hotels and designer shopping extravaganzas" as he enjoys life and love with Jennifer Lopez.

    Presumably the magazine would like to see the lovebirds flying coach on JetBlue, staying at Holiday Inns, and shopping at Target.

    "Fantastic Beast! Stressed Johnny Depp packing on the pounds."

    The 'Enquirer' proves it's a gender-blind equal-opportunity body-shamer.

    "Miley's Brush With Death! Fears plane trauma may spark self-destruction."

    Miley Cyrus' plane was struck by lightning during a storm and made an emergency landing. The 'Enquirer' conjures up unnamed "friends" who are allegedly "terrified the close encounter will drive the singer back to her hard-partying ways!"

    Right. Because the slightest turbulence could drive her off the rails.

    "Proof Harry's Under Meghan's Thumb!"

    A year late and a dollar short, the 'Enquirer' rolls out a "body language expert" to analyse the royal couple's posture while being interviewed by Oprah Winfrey on TV in March 2021.

    Meghan is seen resting her hand on his, suggesting that she is "in control," while Harry drapes a hand between his legs, in a "self-protective posture."

    The 'Enquirer' concludes: "Shocking photos: Henpecked Harry Has No Chance!" Or could it simply be that seasoned actress Meghan is more comfortable before TV cameras, and that their gestures offer no useful indication of their marital relations?

    "William & Kate Hit Trouble In Paradise!

    "Incredibly, the duchess was royally snubbed by a former beauty queen turned politician".

    Incredibly? Which part of this is incredible? That Duchess Kate was snubbed? That she was snubbed by a former beauty queen – almost royalty herself? Or because they beauty queen became a Jamaican member of parliament?

    Or was it incredible because the alleged "snub" appears to have been imputed from two seconds of video taken out of context, when Jamaican politician Lisa Hanna momentarily turned away from Kate, having spent the rest of her time with the Duchess politely engaged and welcoming?

    'Globe'

    It's like a vintage cat-fight episode of 'Dynasty' in this week's cover story: "Michelle vs Hillary. Brutal Brawl Explodes!"

    The two former First Ladies were caught rolling on the ground clawing at each other's hair, tearing at their clothes and spitting obscenities.

    As if.

    There's no brutal brawl, no "backstabbing," "insults" or "blind ambition" as alleged.

    The 'Globe' claims that the White House ambitions of Michelle Obama and Hillary Clinton, both supposedly vying to become President, have reignited their "festering feud."

    The rag then claims the two women are "waging a furious Cold War" which by definition would preclude a brutal brawl.

    "Jealous Hillary" allegedly also covets Michelle's media success in Hollywood. – as if it's a zero sum game and that if Michelle's Hollywood deals are fruitful, then Hillary is doomed to failure.

    "Nip/Tuck Doc Lifts Veil On A-List Secrecy."

    Dr Ashkan Ghavami, who the 'Globe' dubiously dubs "the self-proclaimed plastic surgeon to the stars," reveals that his staff sign non-disclosure agreements, and that celebrities use "private doors" so that other patients won't see them.

    Wow. That's really lifting the lid off the secrets of Hollywood's cosmetic surgery obsession.

    Dr Ghavami forgot to mention that for the past two years everyone entering a plastic surgeon's office has been barely recognisable behind a mask anyway.

    "Ex-King Edward Exposed As Nazi Spy!"

    It's been widely reported for years that Edward VIII, later the Duke of Windsor after his abdication, was a Nazi sympathizer. Inspecting French troops in 1940 he wrote to a friend about their poor military preparations – letters that were then passed to the Nazis.

    Does this make Edward a spy, or simply naive? The Third Reich certainly had enough real spies and informants telling them that the French Army was in poor shape, making Edward's analysis of limited value.

    Did Edward believe that Hitler would restore him to the British throne as a puppet monarch, as the 'Globe' reports that a new book and documentary claim? It's possible. Never under-estimate the self-destructive abilities of a member of the British royal family.

    'People'

    "Will, Jada & Chris – Shock at the Oscars" dominates the cover.

    The slap, the speech, and everything you've already heard about the incident, repeated without insight.

    "A Night to Make History!"

    'People' mag devotes two short sentences to Ariana DeBose's win as the first openly queer woman of colour, then dives into five pages of Oscar fashions, presumably because that's how women really make history at the awards show. Plus two pages of Oscar attendees sporting fabulous jewels they borrowed for the night, and two pages of men's Oscar fashions. That's bringing history to life!

    "Will & Kate's Last Caribbean Tour? Questions About the Past & The Future."

    After a rocky reception during their three-nation Caribbean tour, Prince William and the Duchess of Cambridge may be thinking twice about booking a Sandals vacation in Jamaica any time soon.

    William is reportedly "thinking about the future." As if there will be a future for the Royals in the West Indies.

    "A Daughter's Desperate Search." Ellie Green's mother disappeared from their Kansas home three years ago, and "it's a mystery she's determined to solve."

    If Ellie Green wasn't a beautiful blonde white 21-year-old woman, would 'People' mag even be running this story?

    'Us Weekly'

    It's the cover story every publication wanted: "Will Smith's Oscar Meltdown – "My Side of the Story. It wasn't staged, it was payback."

    The first sit-down talk with Will Smith after the slap heard around the world . . . and it's not in 'Us Weekly.'

    Naturally, the rag hasn't spoken with the actor, which instead quotes dubious unnamed "insiders" and puts the words in Smith's mouth anyway. Alert the Pulitzer committee.

    "William & Kate's Tour de Force."

    Their Caribbean trip mixed "business with pleasure" as they danced with locals, played drums and scuba dived.

    Oh yes, buried deep in the story is passing mention of "some political friction" but the rag insists the royal duo "enjoyed themselves immensely." The way one does when being repeatedly told to go home and pay restitution for your ancestors' enslavement of abducted Africans forced to labor in sugar plantations.

    Elsewhere in the tabloids . . .

    'OK!'

    "Screen Queens Tell All – How We've Changed. Secrets, Scandals & Sacrifices."

    This cover story promises to reveal Lori Loughlin's "divorce talks," Jennifer Aniston's "serial dating," and Demi Moore's "in love at 60!"

    But is it really a tell-all when none of the trio speaks to the mag?

    'Life & Style'

    Kelly Clarkson reveals: "How I Survived the Divorce From Hell!"

    No doubt by drawing inspirations from the tabloids.

    'In Touch'

    "3 Shocking Tell-Alls – Destroying the Kardashians"

    The cover story features photos of Kim and Khloe Kardashian with momager Kris Jenner – but they're not the ones telling all, apparently.

    It's Kim's ex Kanye West, Kris's ex Caitlyn Jenner and Khloe's ex Tristan Thompson who allegedly "expose 'disgusting' secrets."

    Inspirational journalism at its best.