Recording artist Moby says he talked to friends who work in Washington DC and revealed to him five pieces of secret information about the Trump administration.
Recording artist Moby says he talked to friends who work in Washington DC and revealed to him five pieces of secret information about the Trump administration.
What do Charles Manson and O.J. Simpson have in common? Both plan to come back from the dead, according to this week's fact-challenged tabloids.
Mass killer Manson is "using voodoo to live again and get revenge" claims the 'Globe.' Inspired by allegations that Manson has been sticking pins in voodoo dolls of his enemies, the 'Globe' alleges that "Manson's most chilling plan is to use voodoo to turn himself into a zombie, a walking dead man, after his demise, so he could continue taking revenge on the world!"
O.J. Simpson evidently plans a more exulted route to life after incarceration. "Tell them to expect me like they're expecting Jesus to come back - because I'm coming," reports the 'National Enquirer.'
One thing is certain: If both men get to walk the Earth again it won't be long before Ryan Seacrest Productions combines them for one hell of a reality TV show. Or maybe 'Lifestyles of the Undead & Famous?'
I really need to tell any tabloid Editors out there: This word "Exclusive" - You keep using that word. It does not mean what you think it means.
Just look at that blurred, fuzzy photo purporting to be Charles Manson in a hospital bed, beneath the headline "Another Enquirer Exclusive - The Photo That No Other Publication In The World Could Get!"
It's not such a singular sensation when the 'Globe' publishes the same photo on its cover, beneath the headline "World Exclusive."
Or how about the 'Globe' offering its "Exclusive Interview & Photos" of actress Shelley Duvall living in what appears to be reduced circumstances on a ranch in Texas? Read the rest
You pays your money and you takes your choice with this week's tabloids.
"Crooked Hillary Will Die in Jail!" screams the 'Globe' cover, with a two-page exclusive inside predicting "Hillary's Prison Death Sentence!" You have to admire the Photoshopped picture of an ashen-faced Hillary, dark bags around her eyes, care-worn face furrowed with wrinkles, clad in an orange jumpsuit behind grey metal prison bars. It's harder to be impressed by the "new evidence that will put her away!" which supposedly will be supplied by former president Bill Clinton when he testifies before the Eastern District of New York grand jury investigating the Clinton Foundation -- testimony which he may never give. And that "death sentence"? That's simply the 'Globe' anticipating that "Bill's testimony sends her away for 20 years," and with her "killer medical ailments, even a 10-year stretch would be a death sentence."
But if you believe the 'National Enquirer' -- and who wouldn't? -- the future looks rosy for Hillary Clinton, who it forecasts could be the next Mayor of New York City. It "Could Happen" assures the 'Enquirer,' which calls her mayoral election "easy pickings."
Singer George Michael "turned to booze and drugs" after his voice was "destroyed" by pneumonia in 2011, leading to his tragic demise, reports the 'Globe.'
Or you can believe the 'Enquirer,' which insists: "Blackmail Demands Drove George To Suicide!" Supposedly Michael was "driven to suicide by sinister blackmail threats from a train of male lovers in his life." It's a typically homophobic allegation that makes little sense for a man who was openly and proudly gay, and had little to fear from exposure. Read the rest
How is “fake news” constructed? This week's ‘National Enquirer’ gives us a shining example of how it’s done.
Filling its cover is a somber photo of the late George Michael in repose, eyes closed, finally at peace.
“George Michael - The Last Photo!” screams the headline, below the shocking revelation: “Pop Icon’s Suicide Note Found."
Those are two great exclusives. If only they were true.
The photo of the singer apparently lying in his casket was actually taken two months before his death. In the original photo he was standing, but the ‘Enquirer’ simply turned the image on its side. George Michael was blinking when the picture was taken - an image that would normally be discarded, but useful in this instance to give the impression that he was at his final rest.
As for his “suicide note,” it doesn’t exist.
“I’m going insane, and I know there’s another way to do this,” the ‘Enquirer’ claims he wrote in his alleged suicide note. “I swear to God it was like I had a curse on me.”
The first line is actually an old quote made by the singer recalling his sadness after the death of his lover Anselmo Feleppa from an Aids-related illness, and then his beloved mother’s demise, between 1994 to 1997.
In the same breath, Michael had said back then: “I’d have to be seriously mentally disturbed to even consider suicide because of what it would do to the people who were already devastated from losing my mother.”
Michael’s quote about feeling that he was laboring under a “curse” came from an interview he gave to ‘The Guardian’ in 2005 - not a suicide note as the ‘Enquirer’ claims. Read the rest
It’s that time of year when we look back on those we’ve loved and lost in 2016, but for the tabloids, it’s worth remembering those we haven’t lost - the stars we were promised had just days to live, yet who refuse to play the game and are still with us.
Nick Nolte, Cher, Jerry Lewis, Valerie Harper - all were given just weeks to live, yet defy the highly trained medical reporting teams of America's best tabloids.
For one moment set aside thoughts of David Bowie, Prince, George Michael and Carrie Fisher. Let’s take a break from mourning Zsa Zsa Gabor, the inspiration for celebutantes from Kim Kardashian to Paris Hilton, taken before her prime at the age of 99, with so much left to live for. Instead, let’s spare a moment of compassion for those poor tabloid hacks who wonder why their predictions of celebrity demise have proven so wrong. “Michael Douglas - The End!” screamed the ‘National Enquirer’ cover on March 28, 2016. He’s still with us.
“Michael J Fox - The End!” yelled the ‘Globe' front page on April 4. Also still with us.
With their expert medical knowledge and years of psychic training, tabloid reporters can often predict to the day how long an ailing celebrity has left.
‘Valerie Harper - 2 Months To Live!” reported the ‘Globe’ on its cover of February 1. It’s been almost ten months, and she’s still here.
“Michael Douglas Cancer Relapse - 3 Months To Live!” stated the cover of the ‘Enquirer’ on February 8. Read the rest
What happens when the tabloids hit bottom? We find out this week, when the ‘Globe’ brings us five photo-filled pages of the “worst butts in showbiz,” along with some of the worst picture captions and most labored puns accompanying celebrity derrieres..
Heidi Klum’s posterior is “frolicking at the crack of dawn,” Blac Chyna has “all the junk in that trunk,” Halle Berry’s rear “deserves a SAG award,” Amber Rose has a “caboose on the loose,” and singer Kesha needs help “to stop her wide load from expanding.”
Such deathless prose is matched for ineptitude by the magazine’s far-fetched “world exclusive” cover screaming: “Charles on trial for Diana’s Murder!” and the ensuing story claiming: “Prince Charles has been arrested by military police for the murder of Princess Diana.” The ‘Globe’ reports that “a top-secret tribunal” has been convened by Charles’ mother, the Queen. It’s a great story, except for the small detail that the Queen cannot convene military tribunals, that such a tribunal would have no reason to arrest Charles on criminal charges when that’s the job of the regular police, and a 2013 Scotland Yard investigation into allegations that a member of the British Armed Forces played a role in Diana’s death failed to inspire any charges.
The British Royal Family stay in the tabloid cross-hairs in the ‘National Enquirer,’ which reports that photos of actress Meghan Markle “caught topless on a beach with another man” could destroy her blossoming romance with Prince Harry and “could make Queen blow her top.” The bare-breasted photo was taken in 2005, however, 11 years before Markle met Harry, and it’s not as if we’ve never seen Royals scantily clad before. Read the rest
The election may be over, but this week's tabloids see it as their constitutional duty to continue slinging political mud. Donald Trump has taken charge, Malia Obama is in rehab, and Bill Clinton is ravaged by cancer, proclaims this week’s Trump mouthpiece the ‘National Enquirer,' for good measure adding that actor Alec Baldwin only dislikes Trump because his ex-wife Kim Basinger had a crush on the president-elect. How happy is the ‘Enquirer’ with its past year’s political coverage? "The Enquirer forged into the political arena in a way we had never done before, influencing the election with scoop after groundbreaking scoop,” writes ‘Enquirer’ editor-in-chief Dylan Howard in a self-congratulatory op ed, no doubt referring to such classics as the magazine's unsubstantiated claims that Ted Cruz’s father aided Lee Harvey Oswald’s assassination of President John F. Kennedy, Hillary Clinton is suffering an array of potentially lethal illnesses including a “time bomb” brain aneurysm, and Bill Clinton has Alzheimer’s disease. “Mainstream media is the Real Fake News!” writes “the most feared voice in politics," former White House advisor Dick Morris, in the ‘Enquirer,’ which may be the embodiment of Orwellian Newspeak, when the birthplace of fake news dares to claim that it is the only purveyor of truth. ‘Enquirer’ stablemate the ‘Globe’ refuses to be left out of the fun, with its cover revealing “Hillary’s Nervous Breakdown on Election Night!” As Trump’s improbable victory became clear on election day, Hillary “became more and more unhinged and ‘started belting back booze to numb her shock’,” until she was “weeping and incoherent,” according to an unnamed source. Read the rest
Fidel Castro confessed on his deathbed to killing JFK, Prince Harry has impregnated his American actress girlfriend, Priscilla Presley has six months to live, and President Donald Trump will save 25 million jobs.
Those are the headlines in this week’s tabloids, and it’s salutary to see Trump’s wild imaginings promulgated alongside equally fact-challenged celebrity “news.”
Does the ‘National Enquirer’ really have an unnamed “American intelligence source” with inside information about the Cuban dictator’s supposedly whispered final words? There’s about as much chance as the ‘Globe’ having a Buckingham Palace mole revealing that Prince Harry has impregnated Meghan Markle, or that Prince Charles urged his youngest son “to come to his senses and buy off the bimbo.”
Any why does Priscilla Presley have only six months to live? She’s being killed by a “toxic facelift,” claims the ‘Globe,’ inspired by photographs analyzed by its crack team of medically-trained psychic reporters. Yes, facial fillers can sometimes spark infections that in rare cases prove fatal, but saying that Presley is dying simply because she may have had cosmetic procedures is like saying that someone is dying of cancer simply because they once smoked a cigarette. And Priscilla Presley shouldn’t be allowed to die while we’re still waiting for Nick Nolte to pass away, having outlived his ‘Enquirer’ predicted demise by four months, and Cher’s promised shuffling off of her mortal coil before the New Year.
It’s that time of year when the tabloids just say WTF and fill pages with retrospectives of the past 12 months, because it’s easier than making up new stories. Read the rest
We may be living in a "post-truth” culture where feelings trump facts (and Trump ignores facts) but the tabloids have been living there for years, and this week’s tabloid flights of fantasy are no different.
“Drugs tearing Keith & Nicole Apart,” claims the ‘National Enquirer’ in an exposé about Nicole Kidman and husband Keith Urban - except the story is about an alleged former drug dealer’s “fears” that Urban is “teetering on the brink of a devastating relapse.” In other words Kieth is still straight and sober as far as the Enquirer knows, and a dubious source who admits not seeing Urban for 15 years is worried. Post-truthism at its finest.
As is the ‘Enquirer’ exclusive proclaiming: “Prince Harry Cross-Dressing Disaster!” Has Britain’s most politically incorrect Royal taken to fishnets and stilettos? No such luck. Though the ‘Enquirer’ claims that Harry is “caught in a shocking cross-dressing scandal,” actually it’s his girlfriend, American actress Meghan Markle, whose “brother" is revealed in photos wearing a dress and fake breasts. Actually it’s Markle’s mustachioed half-brother, and the photo clearly shows he’s wearing the dress for a lark, not as some lifestyle statement. There’s no scandal, and no way that Prince Harry is somehow entangled in it.
“Drugs Driving Kanye Insane!” screams another ‘Enquirer’ headline, claiming that the singer's hospitalization for “exhaustion” was sparked when “sky-high on booze and a cocktail of drugs.” Based on what? A source claims: “He’s got big problems!” True, but that doesn’t necessarily make his breakdown drug-related. Where are the facts? Read the rest
What are we coming to when the ‘National Enquirer’ accurately reports Donald Trump’s speech promising reforms in his “first 100 days” in office? They even add, in giant print on the front page, "in his own words” - because they know how rare it is for anyone quoted in the ‘Enquirer’ to actually be quoted correctly.
Of course, the Trump-supporting rag can’t resist gloating, putting it all beneath the cover headline: “We Told You So!”
How long can it be before the New York Times is reporting on Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie’s divorce, or Prince Harry’s latest girlfriend? Oh wait -- they’ve already done that.
But the ‘Enquirer’ can’t maintain its facade of accuracy for long, plunging headlong into a series of highly dubious fact-free zones. Princes Harry’s girlfriend, American actress Meghan Markle, is reportedly enduing a “Nude Photo Horror!” But it’s typical ‘Enquirer’ wishful thinking. Markle evidently told a humorous anecdote about skinny-dipping in a New Zealand lake one day in 2012, only to find that pranksters had stolen her clothes. “She’s panicked that the photos will be published,” raves the mag. Except there are no photos. Never were. There’s no suggestion that a single photo was snapped. No nude photo horror. No panic.
Actress Jennifer Garner is saving her troubled marriage to Ben Affleck by having a baby, reports the ‘Enquirer,’ for at least the second time this year. This is based on a photo that shows Garner is a loose-fitting shirt. Just like the photos of her six months ago in a loose sweater, when they also swore she was pregnant. Read the rest
Now that all that election nonsense is behind us, let’s get back to what really matters in the world: Prince Charles has seized the British throne in a palace coup, Michael Jackson is having his first grandchild, Tom Cruise has a "$1 billion Doomsday bunker,” and U.S. Special Forces have killed a 15-ft tall red-haired giant in Afghanistan.
It’s business as usual in this week’s factually-challenged tabloids, getting back to the truly important world issues: the love lives of the stars. As the nation draws together in a spirit of post-electoral reconciliation, so the tabloids are hoping that shattered celebrity couples will reunite: The ‘National Enquirer’ claims that Gwyneth Paltrow wants to “get back with rocker ex” Chris Martin, and also that Drew Barrymore “pleads with her ex to come back.” Love is clearly in the air, as the ‘Enquirer’ reports that Madonna’s son Rocco is picking a new mate for his material mother, Prince Harry wants to show American actress girlfriend Meghan Markle his mother’s grave because it is his “most cherished place on Earth” (and what girl can resist a romantic trip to a cemetery?) and singer Mariah Carey is recovering after being dumped by fiancé James Packer by partying all over town with a “new boy toy” - though at 33 years old, dancer Bryan Tanaka may not take kindly to such a characterization.
And let’s remember: The ‘Enquirer’ was one of the most vocal supporters of Donald Trump, so if they got that right then maybe the rest of their stories aren’t the vacuous drivel they at first appear. Read the rest
As Country Joe and the Fish once sang: “There ain’t no time to wonder why, whoopee, we’re all going to die.”
That’s the cheering message at the heart of yet another week of dispassionate, balanced and fair political reporting from the ‘Globe.' “World War 3,” thunders its cover. “Doomsday if Hillary wins the White House.”
Better duck and cover if you plan to vote for Mrs. Clinton, warns the mag.
“Russian nukes ready to launch,” a headline screams. But hang on a sec - Russian nuclear weapons have been ready to launch for decades. Nothing new there. Oh, but there is, says the ‘Globe’ - “Clinton gave Putin Nuke That Can Wipe Out Texas!” As if she had a spare H-bomb laying around, and handed to Putin on a visit to Moscow while he gave her a set of nesting dolls and a bottle of vodka. The worst deal ever, as Donald Trump might say. Russia had enough nuclear weapons to wipe out Texas and the rest of the nation long before Clinton approved the sale of a U.S. uranium mining company, giving Russia access to 20 per cent of the uranium mined in America. And Clinton was only one part of the approving committee, which included the Secretaries of Defense, Homeland Security, Commerce, Energy and the Treasury. And Clinton could not have stopped the sale if she wanted to - only the President could make that decision, while she was merely Secretary of State. But as far as the ‘Globe’ is concerned, Hillary Clinton is responsible for all the world’s evils, and gleefully reports: “Clueless Hillary would trigger World War 3 if she wins presidency.”
What’s the solution, you wonder? Read the rest
We’ve come to a pretty pass when the ‘National Examiner’ report that “Frozen Zombie Killers Coming to Life” is actually one of the more accurate stories in this week’s tabloids.
Never letting the facts get in the way of a good story, the ‘Globe’ cover hails its “world exclusive” story: “Whitney Houston Exhumed!” Hardly surprising it’s a world exclusive, since the late singer has not been exhumed, as we learn inside the ‘Globe,’ under its pleading headline: “Dig Up Whitney’s Body!” Evidently “legal experts” are calling for her exhumation to prove that Houston’s 2012 drowning death was murder. Except their “legal expert” is actually a tame “Hollywood private eye."
Rachel Ray now reportedly weighs 277 pounds and has been ordered by doctors: “Diet or Die!” according to the serial fat-shaming ‘Globe,’ whose cover screams that she is “Eating Herself to Death!” At least she’s a celebrity TV chef, so she should have fun doing it. Did the ‘Globe’ team of highly-trained medical reporters put her on a scale, or hack her latest cholesterol test? Of course not. They simply eyeballed it, like “I Guess Your Weight” hucksters at a county fair. And they found a doctor "who has not treated her” to warn: “The excess pounds she’s now carrying bring the definite possibility of high cholesterol, diabetes, heart failure or even cancer.” What about hypertension, stroke, gallbladder disease, osteoarthritis, breathing difficulties, infertility and sleep apnea? Why not throw the whole medical dictionary at Rachel Ray, because she’s no longer rail thin? Read the rest
“Fight off the zombie hordes!” cries a full-page ad in this week’s ‘National Enquirer,’ featuring a hand-crafted and hand-painted shattered human skull with a bloody axe embedded in its cranium.
It’s a Halloween decoration that makes a pleasant change from the truly frightening usual ads offering ceramic angels, silver pendants to show how much you love your granddaughter, and life-like Princess Diana figurines.
But it’s also the perfect gift for ‘Enquirer’ readers who by now may be fearing a zombie invasion as the inevitable outcome of this year’s presidential election if “crooked Hillary Clinton” wins the Oval Office, having been fed a diet of panicked warnings by the magazine. This week the ‘Enquirer’ does its bit to ramp up the fear level with “the explosive story that will change the election,” bringing us ten pages exposing “24 years of cover-ups and crimes” by Hillary. A “hitman” for Hillary tells the ‘Enquirer’ how he was allegedly ordered to destroy Bill Clinton’s sex victims, bribe reporters to hide the truth, hide her sleazy affairs and pay hush money to hookers. Alas, none of the allegations is backed by anything that rises to the level of proof, or has corroboration from any additional sources than its unnamed “Mr. Fit-It."
“Hillary’s Plot to Kill Monica!” is a great headline spread over two pages, but the article includes not one mention of a plot to assassinate former White House intern Monica Lewinsky. Claims that the White House was doing its own investigation on Lewinsky are hardly new or surprising. Read the rest
Michelle Obama is exposing Hillary Clinton’s secret sex life and financial dealings, Bill Clinton plans to live in Arkansas “to study young interns,” Prince Charles’ wife Camilla has branded William and Kate “lousy parents,” Playboy magnate Hugh Hefner is a dying recluse, Goldie Hawn “needs rehab to survive,” and Angelina Jolie “lusts for lesbian love - and drugs!”
What do these lurid stories in this week’s tabloids have in common? They cling to the barest gossamer thread of reality - a thread that grows more frayed with each week’s reports.
“Backstabbing Obama destroy Hillary,” screams the Trump-loving ‘Globe’ cover story, ignoring the small detail that the Clintons’ finances have been dissected in numerous public investigations and public tax filings, and allegations of her sexual proclivities have been long ago and repeatedly aired in depth. There’s little dirt that the Obamas could offer the Republicans - as if they’d want to - that hasn’t already been revealed.
If Hillary wins the White House, husband Bill plans to live in a “Little Rock love shack” - actually, his Presidential Library - where he has transformed his apartment into “a Hugh Hefner-style playboy penthouse” where he aims to seduce women, claims former Republican political strategist Dick Morris in the ‘National Enquirer.’ Bill reportedly plans “to build a swimming pool on the roof of his library . . . to have naked pool parties the way JFK did at the White House.” Seems like fair and balanced reporting to me, despite the complete absence of supporting facts. Read the rest
The latest news - from decades past - seems to be the theme of this week’s tabloids.
“Trump’s Tax Returns Revealed” screams the 'National Enquirer' cover, promising that “Hillary’s ugly smear campaign falls apart!” But The ‘Enquirer’ has only obtained the Republican presidential candidate’s tax returns for 1975 to 1977, almost three decades out of date. To learn that he paid an average of $23,977 in federal taxes over those three years is scarcely relevant to the questions hanging over Trump today. But for the ‘Enquirer,’ that’s good enough to exonerate Trump of any question of tax avoidance.
The “sinister plot” behind the famed meeting between President Richard Nixon and Elvis Presley a staggering 46 years ago is “revealed” by the ‘Globe.’ If they had bothered to read Nixon aide Egil ‘Bud’ Krough’s 1994 book ‘The Day Elvis Met Nixon,’ however, they would have read the same story: that Elvis wanted the US government to condemn The Beatles. As Krough said: “Presley indicated that he thought the Beatles had been a real force for anti-American spirit.” It’s sweet to see a vaguely accurate story in the Globe for once, even if it’s four decades late.
The ‘Globe' continues digging into history by declaring (for the umpteenth time) that it has “proof” that Prince Charles “murdered Diana!” Having already decided that the Queen ordered Diana’s body exhumed and demanded a new autopsy - demonstrably false - the publication now reports on details of the non-existent coroner’s report, allegedly proving that Charles had his wife assassinated. Read the rest
What do crystal bracelets inspired by Michelle Obama, a John Wayne commemorative beer stein, a viagra substitute, a Life Alert alarm, and mustache hair remover - for women - have in common?
They’re all ads in this week’s 'National Enquirer,' whose demographic appears to be aging frail bearded Democratic women and alcoholic men with erectile dysfunction. That might begin to explain the tabloid’s dubious connection to reality, and why Donald Trump is reportedly “very close” to ‘Enquirer' chief executive David Pecker, even writing several pieces for the rag during his presidential campaign: they share an equally tenuous relationship with the truth.
Angelina Jolie’s divorce from Brad Pitt dominates this week’s tabloids, but only the ‘Enquirer’ boasts “world exclusive first photos” of Brad entering a hotel just weeks ago with ex-wife Jennifer Aniston, exposing their “secret rendezvous.” But look hard at the “world exclusive” photo - single, not plural as the ‘Enquirer' promises - and you’ll see in tiny print the words: “Photo Recreation.” In other words, the Enquirer has a world exclusive photo of two lookalikes shown from the rear entering a hotel, and no photos of Pitt and Aniston together anywhere. Because it probably never happened.
Trump’s pal Pecker is also CEO of the ‘Globe’ tabloid, which this week carries ads for a ‘Granddaughter, I Love You’ “heirloom” music box (though it won’t become an heirloom until you pass it down to your beloved granddaughter), Count Cat-ula figurine (a vampire cat, of course), and portable oxygen tank “that will never weigh you down.” The ‘Globe’ shares the same scant relationship with the truth as the ‘Enquirer.' Its cover revisits the 20-year-old murder of infant pageant queen JonBenet Ramsey, in headlines screaming: “JonBenet Dad’s Confession to Cops!” Did John Ramsey really confess to killing his daughter? Read the rest