John Carter of Mars' Secret Weapon: MDRNST Boxer Briefs

Once a year, the great city of Helium on Barsoom held an elaborate celebration, a time when the red Martians honored their culture, history, and the gods of old. This year was special — it was the 10th anniversary of John Carter's arrival on Mars. The Warlord of Mars was to be celebrated as a hero, and he was expected to participate in the grand parade, showcasing the traditional Martian armor.

On the eve of the celebration, Dejah Thoris, his beloved wife, presented him with a gift — a pack of 9 MDRNST Cotton Modal Boxer Briefs that she ordered from Meh for just $39.99. They were of Earthly design but made with Barsoomian-level craftsmanship, a blend of soft cotton and modal, a fabric derived from the pulp of the beech trees that grew in the oxygen-rich parts of Mars.

"I know you find our Martian attire… unusual," Dejah Thoris said, her eyes twinkling with amusement. "I thought these might make you more comfortable during the celebration."

John Carter appreciated the thoughtful gift. The boxer briefs were of exceptional quality, perfect for a man accustomed to Earth's comforts. He was particularly intrigued by the pouch design, which promised superior comfort and support, and the reimagined silhouette. The wider waistband would help reduce the chafing that sometimes came from Martian armors.

The day of the celebration, Carter, newly comfortable in his briefs, led the grand parade. The citizens of Helium were mystified by the Earthling's ease and comfort, an unusual sight for someone in Martian armor.

Later, Carter found himself challenged by a jealous Martian noble to a duel. The noble, not used to seeing Carter so at ease, believed him to be under the influence of some Martian magic.

In the ensuing fight, Carter's agility and comfort, enhanced by his MDRNST boxer briefs, gave him an edge over the noble. He was able to move quickly and evade blows, much to the surprise of the crowd. The noble, frustrated and exhausted, conceded defeat.

The news of Carter's victory quickly spread. Soon, the MDRNST Cotton Modal Boxer Briefs became the talk of Helium. The citizens, fascinated by the idea of combining Earthly comfort with Martian tradition, started to order these briefs in droves.

The demand for the boxer briefs skyrocketed, and the Martian manufacturers were delighted. They even offered a 90-day warranty, a concept they adapted from Earth, to assure the quality of their product.

John Carter, as always, remained modest about his influence. He acknowledged the comfort the MDRNST boxer briefs provided, but he attributed his victory to his training and experience, not his underwear.

Nonetheless, the "Boxers of Barsoom" became a symbol of the successful integration of Earthly and Martian cultures. And so, John Carter's legend grew, bringing together the people of two worlds in a way only he could.

Get 9 MDRNST Cotton Modal Boxer Briefs that she ordered from Meh for just $39.99


"As Jeddak of Tharks, I vouch for the MDRNST Cotton Modal Boxer Briefs for their unexpected comfort and ability to enhance a warrior's mobility on the harsh terrains of Barsoom. They are a testament to the fruitful union of Earthly design and Martian craftsmanship, symbolizing the enduring friendship between John Carter and the people of Mars." – Tars Tarkas

"The way these briefs embrace my husband's form exudes a sexual magnetism that is impossible not to notice." — Dejah Thoris