Turning cheeks or bearing arms? Did Jesus really endorse gun ownership?

I have no idea how widespread this kind of mentality is, but it never ceases to shock me when I come across it. A website called Free Thinking Ministries has a piece from a few years ago entitled: "Jesus Endorsed Armed Self-Defense"

This may seem like an Onion headline but I assure you it's not satire. At least I don't think it's satire. This brilliant religious scholar goes on to illuminate us:

The world has always been a difficult and dangerous place. Jesus was keenly aware of this fact, so he instructed his disciples to make necessary preparations for their earthly needs to be met. One of these preparations involved arming themselves for self-defense. What application does this have for us today? 

The contemporary equivalent of a sword is of course a firearm. Much like swords, firearms make it possible to put up an effective fight by enhancing one's ability to defend himself and others. The reasoning behind Jesus's instruction to buy swords can therefore be extrapolated to gun ownership.

I get it — they like guns. But why do they have to use Jesus, the original peacenik, to justify their weird obsession? This dude must have been at the gun range the day they taught the Sermon on the Mount in Sunday school:

"…you have heard that it was said, 'Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.' But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also."

Cue Max Von Sydow in Hannah and Her Sisters: "If Jesus came back and saw everything that was being done in his name, he'd never stop throwing up." 

This certainly makes me want to pray to the porcelain god.

See also: Gubernatorial candidate slogan is "Jesus Guns Babies"