Police in Oban, Scotland, charged a man with assault after he allegedly grabbed two live seagulls and attacked someone in the street outside the railway station there. The incident took place in Queens Park Place on Saturday, June 27, but the circumstances of the assault haven't been reported. The Oban Times posts that the man was not arrested at the scene but was instead "conveyed home while further enquiries were carried out" and only later charged.
A spokesperson for Police Scotland said: "A man was charged in connection with an assault on Queen's Park Place in Oban which was reported to police around 5pm on Saturday June 27, 2026. A report will be submitted to the Procurator Fiscal."
There is no word on the wellbeing of the victim, but the seagulls were said to be uninjured. Lately in the news for shitting on King Charles, the seagulls of Britain and Ireland offer ubiquitous if often unwelcome companionship to anyone near the sea. But they usually assail humans under their own agency, not as improvised weaponry.
If you are contending with seagulls, experts recommend issuing commands in stern, loud voice: Seagulls stealing your chips? Have you tried shouting at them? Research shows that physical violence is not necessary, and as they are wildlife, harming them is unlawful. If there is an established defense methodology against seabirds wielded as melee weapons, though, it's yet to surface in search results and I find nothing cromulent in Gatling and Svinth's Martial Arts of the World. Aikido seems the most obvious choice, but throwing chips on the ground like ninja caltrops as you flee is a technique available to anyone.
