Bulletproof "anti-terrorist" bed with air-supply, toilet

This appears not to be a joke: the Quantum Sleeper is a bed that hermetically seals itself as you sleep to protect you from "Bio-Chemical terrorist attack," "natural disaster," "kidnappers/stalkers" (only those who don't possess a forklift, surely) and affords "Bulletproof 'Saferoom' protection."

1.25" Polycarbonate Bulletproof Plating/Shielding
Bio-Chemical Filtered Ventilation
Control Panel Mode Selection (i.e., Basic System Ops., Intruder Setting, Energy Status, Lock Down, etc.)
Cover & Door Actuators w/ Emergency Release
One way see through head cover (reflective mirror on 2 sides and front)
Safety Features (Proximity Sensor, O2 Sensor, Smoke Det., Motion Det. Ect,)
Emergency Communication system (Cellular, Short-wave Radio, CB ect.)
Audio Amplifier (Amplify sound from out side unit)

Air/Water Tight Sealing
External Override Key Pad & Remote Control
Battery Backup Power
Toiletry system

Ect! Link (via Warren Ellis)

See also: Creepy bed doubles a safe room


  1. Doesn’t polycarbonate BURN?

    So, uhm, can’t I just go down go into the kitchen and grab something to eat, go into the basement and find something highly flammable, come back upstairs, pour the flammable stuff all over the bed, light it, and then sit back and eat your food until you open the thing up instead of being roasted alive?

    Did I miss something?

  2. The happy couple pictured is clearly looking forward to their first safe sex ever. Little do they know about polycarbonate burning, terrorists eating their brie and so forth. Fragile human aspirations.

  3. ..it still wouldn’t keep your 3 year from climbing in bed with you 3 minutes before you want to have sex with the wifey though..

  4. Why didn’t I think of that?

    That bed totally beats my bulletproof, airtight, rebreathing, polycarbonate, armored toilet.

  5. And it’s soooo attractive too.

    I was going to say that this is another sign of the apocalypse, but that’s what these people are clearly looking for.

    I hope they didn’t make it rapture-proof.

  6. Toiletry system, eh? I guess that happy photo was taken before they were sealed in.

    “Oh God… honey, I shouldn’t have had that Taco Bell…”

    Terror indeed.

  7. I would think the child market for this would be tremendous. No bed monsters could possibly get at you in this thing. No more sleeping with your head under the covers!

  8. Why not just rig up something that will kill you before they get there, thus robbing them of the satisfaction?

    That would teach them, brother.

  9. What a nice casket for two. I don’t think it would be so hard to turn it into a End of the World Death Bed, just use a little CO.

  10. It seems uniquely targeted for those with delusions of being Egyptian Pharoahs …

    Abu Raubu Simbu Tu!

  11. Dang! That thing is sweet! NOBODY would ever wake you up again!

    “I’m sleeping in, and there’s NOTHING you can do about it! Hahahahahahaha!”

  12. I was thinking, if you’re locked inside this thing, you want to have some sort of remote-control armed robot to take out would-be arsonists, looters and other assorted riff-raff.

    But we know where that would lead, don’t we?

    “Hey, iBot, looks like our Quantum Sleeper activated by mistake, but gosh darn it, the release controls aren’t working. Punch in that override, won’t you, little buddy?”

    “…um, little buddy? iBot? Are you out there?”


  13. Holy cow, did anybody notice how much they intend to CHARGE for this absurdity?? From their page on the “Quantum Lite Sleeper” (which would “only” be 1/2 – 1/8th the price): The average cost of the Quantum Sleeper is estimated at about $160,000.00

    Sometimes the phrase “more money than brains” just doesn’t even begin to cover it …

  14. AIRSUPPLY??? You’d have to listen to airsupply? i’d imagine that the living would envy the dead.

  15. Just FYI, you guys covered this back in 2004 when everyone else did.

    Ex-Fed, isn’t it also possible that the couple appear in a series of stock “happy couple” photos which were used by both The Onion and the people who put this web site together? You can also tell that the photo-illustration is pieced together by the fact that the couple appear to be about 8 feet tall, if they’re on the same scale as the bed, but poor image assembly isn’t the same thing as a hoax. For one thing, the patent is real . . .

  16. Holy cow, did anybody notice how much they intend to CHARGE for this absurdity?? From their page on the “Quantum Lite Sleeper” (which would “only” be 1/2 – 1/8th the price): The average cost of the Quantum Sleeper is estimated at about $160,000.00 …

    I think that might be a new buisness model. Think up crazy-ass products, post a press-release and photoshop up some mockups for your website – and give it an insanely high price.

    On the odd chance that anyone is both that rich and stupid to actually buy the thing, you hire someone to throw one together and keep the difference. Otherwise, you just sit back and laugh not having invested anything more than an afternoons worth of work.

  17. I’d like to note that this find comes courtesy of my college friend Sarah Becan, one of the amazingly talented cartoonists under the Shortpants Press minicomic publishing umbrella.

    Also, @ #25 Ex-Fed: Just because the couple is stock photo clip art, which The Onion frequently employs to great effect, doesn’t mean the bed is bunk. (Bunk bed?) I can’t tell you how many “legitimate” ads I see on TV which recycle the same stock video for everything from energy drinks to life insurance.

  18. They lost me on the toilet – I spent the first 5 years of my life and the last 5 years as a senior citizen trying not to pee in my bed.

    This product must be geared for Republicans – they are the only ones scared enough to pee their pjs.

  19. The name is pure gold: the *Quantum* Sleeper. It reminds me of Schroedinger’s cat: you won’t know whether you’re alive or dead until you open your bed!

  20. Makes a great coffin when dangerous situations don’t manage to dissipate in a timely fashion!

  21. For some reason, “Panic Bed”, the sequel to 2002’s “Panic Room” starring Jodie Foster, was not a major box office success.

  22. What a lovely, high-tech coffin you have! Does that come in Pulverized by a Tornado red, or Drowned in Your Own Septic Tank green?

  23. Laugh if you like, but I can actually see this being of some use. Though it seems to be marketed to paranoid American suburban-types who aren’t in any real danger, I can imagine residents of what passes for posh neighborhoods in Mexico City or Bogata getting good use out of something like this. If you regularly sleep in a neighborhood that regularly experiences gunfire–such places do exist, even in American cities–it might well be worth the investment.

    I can even imagine a good use for the internal air-supply. I live in close proximity to both a coal-fired power plant and an ethanol refinery. Both stink to high heaven, and when the wind blows just so, closing the windows isn’t sufficient to keep it out. It doesn’t actually hurt to breathe, but it’s really hard on the eyes. I can’t count the number of times this made it hard to sleep, and I know people around here who would be willing to pay a not-insignificant amount of money to be able to sleep in a sealed environment.

  24. On a related note, I just posted MP3s of an ad campaign for Survive-All Fallout Shelters over at Dinosaur Gardens:


    “The international struggles of our world may lead to… (ka-boom) NUCLEAR HOLOCAUST!”

    Nothing lends itself better to a fear-based advertising campaign than your family’s radioactive death. So when the Mort Kridel Advertising Agency was asked to create a radio ad campaign for Survive-All Fallout Shelters, they did their PR-darnedest to scare the Wonder Bread crap out of nuclear families everywhere. Tense horn stabs and canned explosions bracket sales pitches like:

    Radioactive fallout, that deadly by-product of a nuclear attack, will kill literally millions of unprotected families in the event of an atomic attack. Is YOUR family protected? Do YOU have a fallout shelter?

    Each Civil defense approved, basement-type, Do-It-Yourself fallout shelter includes: A complete fully-stocked first aid kit! Extra strength saran and rayon bunks! A radiation meter and individual dosimeters!

    Civil defense approved, FHA approved, no money down, five years to pay!

    Economical… but Priceless!

    – TradeMark G.

  25. Why didn’t they just build a safe room, that was actually… a room?

    Granted, this “safe room” bed could be installed in a trailer park more easily. Or it could be handy if your survivalist cult’s armed compound changes location often to avoid the IRS.

  26. Obviously the last bed was too small and the 1.25″ Polycarbonate Bulletproof Plating/Shielding surgically removed both her arms.. poor gal.

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