Murdoch apologizes


This statement, purportedly Rupert Murdoch's forthcoming apology for crimes committed at one of his London newspapers, is doing the rounds on Twitter. It's not terribly convincing! It reads to me kind of like this:




      1. When the pixels align,
        you’ll see patterns combine,
        That’s a moiré

        (I’ll get my coat)

  1. We know you’re sorry, Rupert! How can we stay mad at you for long?
    *Sniff Sniff Sob Sob* *Ppprrrrttt* (blowing nose in hankie sound)

  2. Blood in the water . . . sharks circling . . . federal investigations on two continents . . . lovely.

  3. It seems likely that it was written by a non-American, as the Brits and Aussies, etc. use “s” where we use “z”, such as in realize vs. realise.

    1. Sounds like it was written by an Australian? So the signature of an Australian at the bottom doesn’t give it away?

  4. “a free and open press should be a positive force in society”

    List of words Rupert Murdoch defines very differently from me:

  5. It’s a sad sad world when we only have 5 major media companies. Assuming the absolute worse, that this causes News corp to sinks, does that mean we go down to 4? Way too much power in very few hands….

  6. Written like a true tabloid journalist; i.e. with a preposterously enormous font for a headline. Gross.

  7. Nice work Rob. I must say though, you need to work on your typography. Your letter spacing is all over the place.

  8. Clever remix or Rupert Murdoch’s apology … An excellent example of how satire can reveal factual information with a broader reach than classic journalism. This fake remix seems much closer to the truth than the original. Will it teach them a lesson? Fat chance … But it may lead some of us to become more engaged and better informed as citizens.

  9. Using the passive voice in an apology, as in “we are sorry for the wrongdoing that occurred”, is tantamount to not apologizing at all. It needs to say “we did” not “that occurred”.

  10. And here I thought I was being original until I found this:

    When the moon hits your eye,
    Like a big pizza pie,
    That’s amore.

    When an eel bites your hand,
    And that’s not what you planned,
    That’s a moray.

    When our habits are strange,
    And our customs deranged,
    That’s our mores.

    When your horse munches straw,
    And the bales total four,
    That’s some more hay.

    When Othello’s poor wife,
    Becomes stabbed with a knife,
    That’s a Moor, eh?

    When a Japanese knight,
    Uses his sword in a fight,
    That’s Samurai.

    When your sheep go to graze,
    In a damp marshy place,
    That’s a moor, eh?

    When your boat comes home fine,
    And you tie up her line,
    That’s a moor, eh?

    When you ace your last tests,
    Like you did all the rest,
    That’s some more “A”s!

    When on Mt. Cook you see,
    An aborigine,
    That’s a Maori.

    Alley Oop’s homeland has,
    A space gun with pizzazz,
    That’s a Moo ray…

    A comedian ham,
    With the name Amsterdam,
    That’s a Morey.

    When your chocolate graham,
    Is so full and so crammed,
    That smore, eh.

    When you’ve had quite enough,
    Of this dumb rhyming stuff,
    That’s “No more!”, eh?

    1. When an eel bites your hand, And that’s not what you planned, That’s a moray.

      When I first took up scuba I heard that one as “When you stick your hand in a crack, And you don’t get it back, That’s a moray.”

    2. Or, more culturally current…

      When you’re hit with a jug
      in a south Auckland pub
      That’s Maori

  11. “We are sorry for the serious wrongdoing that occurred.”

    Notice how this wrongdoing just “occurred”, but he never admits culpability?

    “We regret not acting faster to sort things out.”

    Sort WHAT out? The wrongdoing, or the apology? Again, it’s like the hacking was a force of nature that just “happened” and they wish they could have stopped it, when in fact THEY were the ones perpetrating it.

    Classic non-apology.

  12. From another Murdoch entity:
    Homer: “But Marge, I swear to you – I never thought you’d find out!”

  13. “We are sorry for the wrongdoing that occurred.” is something one could easily say to someone who has the flu. You haven’t done anything. They’re the ones not functioning properly today.

    1. Don’t forget that Murdoch is an adoring fan of the guy who popularized “mistakes were made.”

  14. Sorry my ass! This scumbag should lose it all! Fair and balanced Fox News hasn’t uttered a peep regarding Murdoch’s troubles.

  15. The editor of The Sun (another Murdoch rag) made a similar grovelling apology around 2004 for his papers outright lies about fan behaviour at the Hillsborough stadium disaster (he falsely accused fans of robbing and sexually molesting corpses as well as urinating on emergency workers, nice man) he retracted his apology some time later, while still working for the paper.

    I saw videos of NoTW workers leaving after the final edition and felt pangs of pity but I am beginning to realise that if you decide to work for scum like this you can’t expect sympathy.

  16. I find myself terribly reminded of the fictitious statement made by Terry Partchett’s Creature, Reacher Gilt in his great discworld novel “Going Postal”.

    No faults apply. At least until we find the weasel bigger than ourselves that allowed us to be dragged into the spotlight…

  17. I love the resignation statement by Rebekah Brooks: “However my desire to remain on the bridge has made me a focal point of the debate.” – the bridge of the Titanic!!!

  18. Let me try to spin this for the FOX News crowd.

    As a flock of sheep gang banging a defenseless wolf, the Socialist Statists will stop at nothing to rape our Galtian overlords.

  19. Wow. In my haste to read Murdoch’s post, I hit the spacebar and skipped right to the “translation”. I read that, as though it had been written by Murdoch and Co., and I remained slackjawed from start to finish.
    “It’s almost like they’re kind of apologizing, and then they mention their lawyers at the end…now I’m confused.” Thanks for tweaking my brain, Rob–I enjoyed the moments where I thought they were being honest-ish. Ah, parody–you got me again.

  20. I really don’t care if Murdoch says he’s sorry. I say he should be fined 75% of his net worth; then he might actually FEEL sorry.

  21. Rupert Murdoch wasted too much ink.

    “We Are Only Sorry
    That We Got Caught.

    Rupert Murdoch”

    Short and more accurate.

  22. sor·ry adjective In a poor or pitiful state or condition

    If that’s what he means, I agree.

  23. So, where’s Murdoch’s apology for the ferocious buggering Fox News has given the body politic?

  24. Anon @ 2.16am 16 July, noooo. He sloughed off his Aussie citizenship so he could rape and pillage the US media.

    We don’t want him back!!!

  25. Who cares about anything connected w/ fux news, any way? Good riddance. I read REAAL newspapers, not this garbage.

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