Murdoch apologizes

This statement, purportedly Rupert Murdoch's forthcoming apology for crimes committed at one of his London newspapers, is doing the rounds on Twitter. It's not terribly convincing! It reads to me kind of like this:

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Fnarf

Using the passive voice in an apology, as in “we are sorry for the wrongdoing that occurred”, is tantamount to not apologizing at all. It needs to say “we did” not “that occurred”.
Cook!EMonstA

When an eel from the sea bites a-you on the knee… That’s a Moray!
Kosmoid

And here I thought I was being original until I found this:

http://www.pctechnician.com/amore.html

When the moon hits your eye,
Like a big pizza pie,
That’s amore.

When an eel bites your hand,
And that’s not what you planned,
That’s a moray.

When our habits are strange,
And our customs deranged,
That’s our mores.

When your horse munches straw,
And the bales total four,
That’s some more hay.

When Othello’s poor wife,
Becomes stabbed with a knife,
That’s a Moor, eh?

When a Japanese knight,
Uses his sword in a fight,
That’s Samurai.

When your sheep go to graze,
In a damp marshy place,
That’s a moor, eh?

When your boat comes home fine,
And you tie up her line,
That’s a moor, eh?

When you ace your last tests,
Like you did all the rest,
That’s some more “A”s!

When on Mt. Cook you see,
An aborigine,
That’s a Maori.

Alley Oop’s homeland has,
A space gun with pizzazz,
That’s a Moo ray…

A comedian ham,
With the name Amsterdam,
That’s a Morey.

When your chocolate graham,
Is so full and so crammed,
That smore, eh.

When you’ve had quite enough,
Of this dumb rhyming stuff,
That’s “No more!”, eh?
- Brainspore
  
  When an eel bites your hand, And that’s not what you planned, That’s a moray.
  
  When I first took up scuba I heard that one as “When you stick your hand in a crack, And you don’t get it back, That’s a moray.”
- invictus
  
  Or, more culturally current…
  
  When you’re hit with a jug
  in a south Auckland pub
  That’s Maori
ill lich

“We are sorry for the serious wrongdoing that occurred.”

Notice how this wrongdoing just “occurred”, but he never admits culpability?

“We regret not acting faster to sort things out.”

Sort WHAT out? The wrongdoing, or the apology? Again, it’s like the hacking was a force of nature that just “happened” and they wish they could have stopped it, when in fact THEY were the ones perpetrating it.

Classic non-apology.
Narmitaj

From another Murdoch entity:
Homer: “But Marge, I swear to you – I never thought you’d find out!”
afs97209

“We are sorry for the wrongdoing that occurred.” is something one could easily say to someone who has the flu. You haven’t done anything. They’re the ones not functioning properly today.
- Brainspore
  
  Don’t forget that Murdoch is an adoring fan of the guy who popularized “mistakes were made.”
Anonymous

Sorry my ass! This scumbag should lose it all! Fair and balanced Fox News hasn’t uttered a peep regarding Murdoch’s troubles.
Bubba

The editor of The Sun (another Murdoch rag) made a similar grovelling apology around 2004 for his papers outright lies about fan behaviour at the Hillsborough stadium disaster (he falsely accused fans of robbing and sexually molesting corpses as well as urinating on emergency workers, nice man) he retracted his apology some time later, while still working for the paper.

I saw videos of NoTW workers leaving after the final edition and felt pangs of pity but I am beginning to realise that if you decide to work for scum like this you can’t expect sympathy.
lecti

Crocodile tears.
bunaen

So, where’s Murdoch’s apology for the ferocious buggering Fox News has given the body politic?
TharkLord

I really don’t care if Murdoch says he’s sorry. I say he should be fined 75% of his net worth; then he might actually FEEL sorry.
LX

I find myself terribly reminded of the fictitious statement made by Terry Partchett’s Creature, Reacher Gilt in his great discworld novel “Going Postal”.

No faults apply. At least until we find the weasel bigger than ourselves that allowed us to be dragged into the spotlight…
Vanwall

I love the resignation statement by Rebekah Brooks: “However my desire to remain on the bridge has made me a focal point of the debate.” – the bridge of the Titanic!!!
Anonymous

Who cares about anything connected w/ fux news, any way? Good riddance. I read REAAL newspapers, not this garbage.
Anonymous

Anon @ 2.16am 16 July, noooo. He sloughed off his Aussie citizenship so he could rape and pillage the US media.

We don’t want him back!!!
Brainspore

[Message printed with corrections on page A17 under yesterday's lottery numbers.]
- Kosmoid
  
  That’s a moirÃ©.
  - Dr Wadd
    
    When the pixels align,
    you’ll see patterns combine,
    That’s a moirÃ©
    
    (I’ll get my coat)
    - Anonymous
      
      Not a moray?
      
      http://cheezburger.com/View/4976765952
    - Michael
      
      *slow clap*
  - MooseDesign
    
    “We are moirÃ©”?
  - halfpress
    
    “â€¦ like a big pizza pieâ€¦ that’s a moirÃ©”
Anonymous

We know you’re sorry, Rupert! How can we stay mad at you for long?
*Sniff Sniff Sob Sob* *Ppprrrrttt* (blowing nose in hankie sound)
CognitiveDissident

Rupert Murdoch wasted too much ink.

“We Are Only Sorry
That We Got Caught.

Rupert Murdoch”

Short and more accurate.
axleworthington

“Sorry I’m a TOTAL DOUCHE.”
Tdawwg

Blood in the water . . . sharks circling . . . federal investigations on two continents . . . lovely.
- Anonymous
  
  (Dances with joy.)
chgoliz

It seems likely that it was written by a non-American, as the Brits and Aussies, etc. use “s” where we use “z”, such as in realize vs. realise.
- Anonymous
  
  Sounds like it was written by an Australian? So the signature of an Australian at the bottom doesn’t give it away?
artaxerxes

Spot on. Bravo!
Anonymous

“a free and open press should be a positive force in society”

List of words Rupert Murdoch defines very differently from me:
free
open
press
positive
society
should
Melted Crayons

Murdoch’s statement is a lie as long as Fox News remains as it has been.
bjacques

It would be more convincing in Comic Sans font.
- Cynical
  
  Everything is more convincing in Comic Sans!!1
  http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07052007
Anonymous

reads to me like the south park episode involving the bp oilcrisis

samurai kat kowboy
Race Bannon

What they need to do is to offer to the public an effort to change the law that they help inact that gives the media the right to not tell the truth when doing reporting as in the RBGH case.
http://www.philly2philly.com/politics_community/politics_community_articles/2009/6/29/4854/fox_news_wins_lawsuit_misinform_public
in a show of good journalism practices.
Anonymous

“… we will take further concrete steps…”

Oh, goody! Seppuku!
AMathmagician

My first thought was of this video.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6oeSFAIKaX4
- Anonymous
  
  good one!
GreenJello

It’s a sad sad world when we only have 5 major media companies. Assuming the absolute worse, that this causes News corp to sinks, does that mean we go down to 4? Way too much power in very few hands….
abinocoe

Written like a true tabloid journalist; i.e. with a preposterously enormous font for a headline. Gross.
Anonymous

Concrete steps? The pier is over there.
MrJM

sorÂ·ry adjective In a poor or pitiful state or condition

If that’s what he means, I agree.
Art

Good work, Rob. A perfect translation.
Coin

Reminds me of a similar lackluster apology.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BeP6CpUnfc0
sirkowski

Let me try to spin this for the FOX News crowd.

As a flock of sheep gang banging a defenseless wolf, the Socialist Statists will stop at nothing to rape our Galtian overlords.
emmdeeaych

I would be satisfied with a concrete dismantling of his empire.
jackt

Fuck Murdoch and his Fox news
IronEdithKidd

Spot on translation.
seyo

Nice work Rob. I must say though, you need to work on your typography. Your letter spacing is all over the place.
ponto

In a related story: Satan issues statement – still has faith in Murdoch, News Corps.
Anonymous

Clever remix or Rupert Murdoch’s apology … An excellent example of how satire can reveal factual information with a broader reach than classic journalism. This fake remix seems much closer to the truth than the original. Will it teach them a lesson? Fat chance … But it may lead some of us to become more engaged and better informed as citizens.
wrecksdart

Wow. In my haste to read Murdoch’s post, I hit the spacebar and skipped right to the “translation”. I read that, as though it had been written by Murdoch and Co., and I remained slackjawed from start to finish.
“It’s almost like they’re kind of apologizing, and then they mention their lawyers at the end…now I’m confused.” Thanks for tweaking my brain, Rob–I enjoyed the moments where I thought they were being honest-ish. Ah, parody–you got me again.
Anonymous

Kind of similar to this relatively recent South Park clip…http://www.southparkstudios.com/clips/360436/were-sorry